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I've raised my children, helped raise the grandchildren, trained many dogs and cats, so what do I get? Mom peed the couch again today. "Sigh"...:-/
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Kazaa I stopped taking my Mom out to restaurants over a year ago after she kept going on loudly about "the fat women"! I grimace thru it only own her birthday..
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Everyone on this site are angles and saints. We should all have medals for what we put up with. Life and people can be cruel at times. Thankfully we have each other here to lean on and have others who understand. I lift a glass to you all :)
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My whine today is.. i think even though im experiencing alot with mum the last few years today was a very bad day and i think ive seen this illness at its worst well so far? mum and i went to eye doc ive noticed now that shes shouting and couldnt careless who hears her? there was quite a large female nurse and mum kept going on about how big she was i told her to keep her voice down but she wouldnt and her language is foul. Stupidly we went out to dinner and luckily we sat downstairs where there was noone but the waiter could hear everything mum was saying loud and using the "f" word alot i was mortified and wonder if i could ever take her out again. constantly telling someone to watch thier language and to stop shouting just drained me and made me see this "madness" for what it really is. How do you cope with this behaviour? Is she starting to get worse now? she seems to give out alot more about anything and dosnt care who is around her i actually dont want to be out with her anymore if she is going to behave like this. Gosh i must tell my sister to bring her EVERYTWHERE!!
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Lois that is funny... Thanks for the laugh..
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Veronica, didn't somebody mention a week or two back that Mercury is going retrograde? Well, there you are then. Proof at last that astrology is not entertaining hokum, eh?

Actually I think Mercury's been busy sorting out my internet connection - it's still not great but at least it hasn't made me cry for a whole week.
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No, no angel here - I do my share of griping. Somehow it helps. Our kids do appreciate that I am doing an OK job with their Dad and express that often.. And the lucky part goes both ways, believe me!

Thanks for your angelic expression, assandache (interesting is there an explanation besides the almost obvious one..?)

Is this a good place to post a funny paragraph? This really made me laugh this AM - from our DIL:

Nine thoughts to Ponder...

Number 9-
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8-
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7-
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6-
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5-
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4-
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3-
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2-
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1-
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your a** tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

Have fun out there...
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My whine moment for the day is trying to set up appointments - for myself. I tried radiology at one hospital and I got a recorded message asking me which records I would like. Next same hopital's main number was allways busy. Tried another hospital and the switchboard just put me through to a number that just rang Finally got the appointment but they forgot to tell me the department had moved a mile down the road. Next tried for a PT evaluation. Their computer was down and apparently still is because I haven't had a call back yet. Tried a different office and found they were out of business and had joined the first one. How do real old people manage. I am only 75
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Lois your are an angel... Your family is lucky to have you..
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At least you are trying - taking her out for some fun things.. Would it work to take along a healthy snack, if there is one she likes? Or even a sandwich, etc..

'Sounds to me like you are doing a great job! Hugs..
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Just to mention yesterday....Sunday...was a pretty good day with family coming over to swim. I was hoping to give Mom a day to visit the babies and family. It started out fun as we all walked to the pool (which is not far). But when we got to the pool mom starts her "I'm hungry, I need something to eat" crap. (Just a note: mom is constantly eating). It's really her fidgety thing she does when we go somewhere. I try to distract her for a bit because she has just eaten breakfast and snacked. But she will still start the complaining about something--especially food. It's not so much that she does it because I am used to that. It's how she does it---interrupting me while I am speaking with someone else or doing something else and she blurts it out loudly/rudely. She threatens to walk back home (even though we just got there) and get her own lunch. Now on the weekends, I am the one who furnishes her meals (not Meals on Wheels). This means if I let her go back alone, she will eat ice cream or whatever snacky thing she can find instead of a good lunch and then sit down and watch tv. True, I could have let her do that but I was trying to get her to socialize a little.
So now...I decide to walk home and fix lunch for her and bring it back because I can do it quicker. I know that if I don't, she will either keep hounding or walk home anyway. Now I am trying not to be annoyed but I am. I am trying to get over the fact that she is behaving self-centeredly and childish and just do it.
Sometimes I just think I shouldn't bother taking her anywhere because it becomes such a hassle.
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Over the past year My husband (vascular dementia - 90 yo) has been pestering me to allow him to go to our lower level where he has a desk and his 'important' papers on building our retirement home - 25 years ago. He thinks that there is information in his old records that will prove who his wife is, really!

He cannot manage the stairs anymore and I have agreed to drive him around on the lawn to go in from the lower ground level. He refuses that since it is 'drastic'. He, one day, wanted to call our son to come over and move his 'file' upstairs so he could examine his old records. I resisted this, even though he had gone into the attached garage to find a good space for the file cabinet, etc. This dispute often got so loud that our black lab ran and hid!

Yesterday (for the second time in 6 months) I went down and pulled all the files and spread them out on the dining room table. Oh, he was so happy... Now, once and for all he could prove that I am not the girl he married 70 years ago!

He pulled out his glasses and went through the top several files and came up to me, saying that he forgot what he was looking for and I could return the files to 'his' file cabinet now.

Without the advice of many here, I most likely would have continued to resist in this matter, since I had already presented out marriage license and Living Trust papers. It is sooo much easier to just give in and do the ridiculous than insist on the assumption that you can change his mind!

I am now going to put together a special cardboard box and place these important, to him, files where he can find them at any time - here upstairs - mostly to save me the effort and energy and time to retrieve them again soon, since he will have forgotten this latest examination.

Argument is totally worthless - but it is difficult to understand how he can mistake his actual wife as some stranger who is the only one who "does anything around here.. My wife should not let you do all this work!" If only...

I still could have it so much worse. Our children and grandchildren are so understanding, though busy; he is not violent - yet - just confused and depressed cause he cannot do 'anything' and wishes to die, stating this often.

Looking back, I have had a great life, mostly loving husband, and wonderful, normal children - four - who will appear whenever I give up and ask for help. My wish is that all of you without this good luck will prosper and gain insight and strength as time goes on and continue to whine when necessary to keep your sanity!

Blessings to all!
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Looloo… sigh. What can you say.

And why, exactly, would you want to 'reach out'?

Because your brother will help sugar the pill for your mother? - nope.
Because your brother will offer support and sympathy for you? - nope.
Because your brother is entitled to know what is going on with his mother? - well arguably, but hey he can always express an interest if he wants to know, can't he? - why would you want to make the running?
Because… er I can't think of any other reasons.

So oddly, no, I don't suppose you did especially want to hear that, did you? On account of it's complete bollocks. Dear darling husband. In the words of my mother's most damning faint praise: "he ***means*** well, darling."
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Sorry for the multiple posts - the discussion about sibling involvement, or lack of it, was one of the things that I go through, and my husband, meaning well, just pushed my buttons big time last week. Warning -- this is a long post, sorry again!
My family was very dysfunctional growing up. My brother and I were probably close until the age of about 4, and then the difficulties started, and got progressively worse. He had alcohol, drug problems, spent time in jail, and we saw each other maybe 6 times at most throughout our 20's, 30's, and 40's. He has been sober for decades now, which is great, but he is still not good at coping with his own life, let alone the problems of others. My parents continued to give him money over the years, and although he's not the worst person imaginable, I suspect he remains minimally 'in the picture' because he's always relied on them for money for each crisis in his life.
W/in the past several weeks, he called me this time, hitting me up for money that he assumed was rightfully his (he asked me if our father had left him anything in his will). I explained that our dad's will left everything to our mother, so, no, there is no money of his that hasn't been given to him. He then asked me, since I'm POA, if I would give him money. I explained that I couldn't, but then suggested he talk to our mother (who isn't 100% addled yet). He didn't do that (probably because he's not a sociopath, which is lovely -- and also because he probably doesn't want her to know about his latest financial troubles).
I was furious, because we don't have a relationship. Plain and simple. There's no "How are YOU doing?" And absolutely no offers of real assistance, because he has no coping skills. He just falls off the radar, unless HE needs something. So, after dealing with my own sense of disappointment, lonliness (this is my family!!???), etc., I decided to stop contacting him. I don't want to try to involve him, I don't want to try to keep him informed, and I certainly don't want the obligation of sending him birthday and holiday emails w/stupid gift cards.
SO -- what really chapped my hide last week? When dealing w/the latest issue of my mother's (her driving privileges being revoked), my husband says to me, "You're not going to want to hear this, but I really think you should reach out to your brother, and let him know what's going on." AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!
No, I will not.
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Just wanted to add a p.s. to my earlier post this morning -- when I mentioned getting bad advice, I meant from the people I work with, and my husband actually! You folks are literally a life-saver for me! I've gotten such sound advice from you all, such great insight, such loving support. Thank you, thank you, I really mean it! :)
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Veronica91...you make a valid point...and I have wondered about that. I know my brother was not raised to ignore his parents..and growing up, while the usual sibling aggravation was present, he was a pretty good brother..but once he married and he married two doozies.....(not at same time of course..haha....) but I often wonder if one reason he does as he does because of "other" issues and he doens't want us figuring it out because it's too embarrassing to him...I don't know...I know I have a very strange dynamic in my sibling situation. This weekend was much better and Mama enjoyed herself, but as glad said...sometimes it is easier when they don't come at all....but then when he doesn't she starts eventually wondering about that too...and it is strange as with the dementia one might think she would kind forget but when it comes to him, she surely does not....but one thing I think we can all agree on, until you've done this...you just can't really imagine...
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I guess I had it easy as I was never my mother's caregiver.She used to write to me and expect to recieve a letter in return the same day. If she did not get one I would recieve one that started out." Hope everything is alright I looked for your letter yesterday...." fortunately she never had a phone so I used to have to send her a telegram which had to start "everything is OK phone me" That was in the dark ages when I was home with three little ones and there was talk of being able to send letters over the phone!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't know why I just wrote all that but it got me wondering if those uncaring siblings don't contact the aging parent as they actually don't want the parent to know what is really going on in their lives. I know that was the case with me, I just could not share anything with her and closely guarded any emotions. It's just a thought maybe because it is breakfast time and i am reluctant to start the day.
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Sallie same here. For me though it is easier on me when mom does not hear from siblings. When they do contact her many times she will start the worrying about her little girls. I have resolved for myself to realizethere is nothing I can do to change my siblings attitude about my mom and her illness, absolutely nothing. It is such a waste of energy for me to get upset about sibs not being in touch. I need energy for other things.
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Siblings who don't do the caregiving have no clue what it's like. I wish they would all look at these site's to see just how stressful it really is. It's made even more stressful with their ignorance and unhelpful ways! My mom went another week without a single phone call from my 4 siblings. One sister text her every morning with a set text of ( "how's everything") When my mom text " everything's ok" she receives a set text of " ok, I'll call u later" . There is rarely a call later!
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57twin, the next time your sister accuses you of abandoning your father, look in the calendar for a long 3-day weekend. When sis gets in your case, pull out your calendar and tell her these dates, and that She Too must not abandon their father just because she lives 1000 miles away. There is the train, the airplane or something. Offer your place as a free place to stay so that she cannot complain about the expenses. And tell her that when she comes, she needs to visit father several hours EACH day. That he is not only your father, but also hers.

Also tell her that since she lives 1000 miles, the least SHE can do is call him daily (just like she expects you to call him daily.) And not just a quick 'hello. how are you doing?" If she calls, to make it worth it, then try to stay on the phone for atleast 10-15 minutes. Do her daughterly duty of alleviating his lonesomeness. I wonder how long that would last????
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57twin, I've had one of those weeks, where I got all the wrong feedback from people. I've been pretty stressed out, and hearing their opinions and comments was extremely irritating and unhelpful. Your sister has no idea what is really going on, or what is best, and her comments reflect it. It's yet another thing we have to handle, and some days I handle it better than others.
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Oops living here since March.
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So my sister asked me if I am going to have dad over for dinner every week once we get him moved into AL. She lives 1000 miles away and only sees parents, now just dad 2-3 times/year.
I told her I don't know as he is going to have an adjustment period and I do not want to confuse him by coming back to my house where he has been living since June. She said you aren't just going to dump him there! again she sees hardly ever. I told her I will be stopping in 2-3 times a week but the visits will be brief. Getting frustrated with her comments.
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Well JB im still waiting to have family experience her "tantrums". My friend told me to ask my "angels" and hers to show my sister when she arrives just how mad she can get as they have never seen this side to her! and yes she uses dreadful language! right now shes making noises upstairs like moving furniture she lost her "teeth" and is probably searching the room for them.
Mm? i think thats about the 5th time this week she has lost them i wonder if you can get something to tie them around her neck like a necklace with her teeth on it??
Its 1.30am here and i have to listen to this moving stuff around now for hours until she gets tired i suppose? What a life? meanwhile the couple nextdoor have gone to Italy!!!!
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Oh theres no point in fighting as they dont know how bad they are. I just leave the room! I know its not her fault but yep gross!
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Yes Kazaa they got to witness it firsthand today.........BUT, they have friends with relatives with AD. Not as if they didn't know. Denial.
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My mom does that too or she pulls them out and picks stuff out of them with her longest fingernail and eats it again soooooo gross we got into our one and only fight about it.
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Sitting here TRYING to watch tv mum is sucking her teeth a new disgusting habit shes doing now............ id love to just run and keep running!
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Oh JB that sounds awful but at least your brothers get to see what shes like!
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Welcome Somedaysmile ...Since you've reading this site for 6 months you realize by now that you're not alone and it is not your fault. So many wise people here... tired, lonely, depressed but very wise loving caring people.

Seems like aggressive argumentative foul mouth dementia loved ones is in the air this lovely (ha) Sunday.

Mom slept in which was lovely.... but oh my did she turn into a raging accusatory bitch shortly thereafter. Just so happens both my older brothers stopped by to finally witness what I go through... she cussed them out, told them if they liked me then she hated them. She was ridiculous.... on and on about people trying to kill her, kill the dogs.... she told them they could just go and F themselves... needless to say they didn't stay long. They did try and appease her but there is NO appeasing a raging demented person. I just sat there wide eyed, teary and tired.... no matter how much I do, how I try and initiate activities with her, keep her involved.. none of it ever matters ....sigh
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