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Yes, it is about being able to be comfortable in our own skins, isn't it? Thanks for the reminder!
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cm, I feel you on the food preparation. Their taste buds sure do change and their dislikes far outweigh their likes. This is exactly why I started making batches of "shakes" for mom. It's mostly ALL vieggies and fruit so it's sweet and you know the elderly love sweets. Just add a nutrition shake to the mix and you've got a mighty fine meal. If you get really lucky, they'll eat some regular food to go with it. Hmph, this has me thinking now.... after all this I may resort to never cooking again.

dee.... LOL!!!!! Now that is too funny! Mom and I do the same d*mn thing!! I did read as they progress further in their disease the bowels stop working as normal as they used to. Even with stool softeners it's hard for mom to go. Haha, I have sat there with her and told her to just push that baby out and she'll feel better and forget all about it :) It's cute when they get silly and witty... like asking who the hell is that wrinkled old lady is in the mirror?... Uhm, you mom, and she replies, oh the hell it is!, I'm younger than you are!

I've been pondering this whole alone thing... I've not ever been alone either, this is about as alone as it's ever been for me. I truly think one can grow spiritually, physically and mentally living alone for however long suits them. Once we learn how to be happy with just ourselves true happiness will always be with you/
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LOL! Mom's on a roll. Asked me if she was pg, i said no. She asked if she was ever going to have kids and i said you have 7 kids, ma. She replied 7?! What did i do THAT for? She's such a riot sometimes.
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My mom struggles with chronic constipation. Sometimes she will think she has had a baby instead of a bowel movement. Tonight she said well, what did I have? A boy or a girl? I said you had a bm. Without batting an eye she quipped - must have been a boy! Haha! I love it when her old sarcastically witted side comes out!
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Got my mom up and showered, manicure and pedicure. Got the brilliant idea to run the self-cleaning oven since it's 40 degrees here today and I thought I would take advantage of the heat wave, throw open some windows and get some fresh air in here. Forgot how bad oven smells when cleaning. And that it always sets the smoke alarm off and scares the furkids. But it's almost done and i made lasagna with homemade sauce so supper's all set. Still have to clean and finish laundry but I'm obviously not rushing it.
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Hope, I got the next best thing to a smile - an appetite at suppertime :) - so I know what you mean about the morale-boosting. I can't quite stretch to saying it makes it all worth it, but it certainly beats trudging back to the kitchen with an untouched supper tray and my heart in my boots.
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I got to see my Mama smile at long last again towards the late morning...That alone gave me what I need to keep going for a while longer....Compassion fatigue, sounds about right...looking back through my life, I have also been in "helping" roles forever it seems.. Animal abuse issues, homeless programs, volunteering, volunteering, volunteering....it's just part of who I am...I think it is part of who we all are or else we would not be here doing this...I hope I do not become hardened. And as dee said, it is actually quite nice to appreciate being alone...I have been alone pretty much all my adult life anyway and I actually enjoyed it...I'm not a people hater or anything but I just enjoy my solitude..I also don't have a lot of patience with folks who dwell so much on things that don't matter in the long run...appearances, position in society, etc....I'm just one of those who enjoys the most simple of things and as boring as I guess it is to most folks I thrive on it because I can always entertain myself...

Well, the visit has ended and it went ok, as usual, didn't go anywhere, as usual, one reason is my car is acting up and the last thing I want to do is get stranded or have my engine blow up on me. My truck is also on the fritz..why do they always go at the same time. Brother did check out the car and it appears to be some sort of sensor related to the fan...

Jeanette...pack those bags, we will be off to New Zealand one day...I love traveling with a friend or alone..I don't need a man to complete me either...Most of my friends always seem to go nuts when they find themselves without something to do..Not me, because I can find or invent something to do. Even as babies, Mama told me my brother and I were very different...he required all her time, constantly, always fussy, always crying, sick a lot...on the other hand she said I was perfectly happy lying in my crib looking at my hands and feet for hours....haha...she used to tell me she was thankful I was such a joyful little soul because my brother required so much of her time...so I think it's kind of fascinating how that turned into a lifetime thing...he has always required a lot of attention and such from everyone..I have always been a loner...and I love it....

Now that the company has gone, Mama is napping and I am about to get my blanket and grab a furtot and enjoy some good tv....it is starting to cloud over a bit so I might even live it up and take a nap....so happy with the smile I got from Mama...that is what I needed...exactly!!
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cmagnum, I just had an ah-ha moment when I read "they were so distant and impersonal" regarding compassion fatigue. That could explain why my sig other acts the way he does, especially at times when I really need him when dealing with an illness of my own. He tends to be very angry with me. He's has had a lot of deaths in his immediate family. Now that also explain probably why his late wife had hid how really ill she was.
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Jeanette, it was very smart of you to tell your brother to stay home. It's not worth your mom getting sick!! Take that from someone who just spent three days in the hospital with my mom because she caught a cold! There is alot of stuff going around out there now and when the elderly get sick, it can be deadly!!
Assandache, I can't get over my sibling's selfishness either!! I have to learn to let it go, however , as it does tend to drain some of my much needed energy! I need to stay focused on the good things...I'm so lucky to still have my 93 year old mom, who is relatively healthy most of the time. Despite her dementia, she still knows who I am and loves me to pieces. They are the ones who are missing out!!
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Seriously needing my caregiver helmet today. Told mom she should get up and go for a walk into the kitchen (it's the only exercise she gets, and if I don't tell her to do it, she won't - unless I'm sleeping and she sneaks in there to get something to eat). I gave her an orange about an hour ago, and when I told her to get up and walk, she headed in there and grabbed another one. I asked if she was hungry, because I could fix her some lunch. Her response: "No. I'm not hungry, I just want an orange." Um...ok. (sigh) I *really* don't want to go to the point of hiding food...but this is getting ridiculous. She won't eat unless I prepare it, but if I *offer* to prepare it, no, she's not hungry, but she's going to eat something anyway. Talk about convoluted thinking.
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My whine of the day is my extended family's persistent belief that the reason we haven't got more help coming in is that we can't/won't spend the money. Aaaaarrrggghhh. Mother is not rich, no, but she has plenty enough cash for that sitting idle in a bank account. The problem is supply of caregivers for hire, not cash flow (and that's not a whine, that's a full-blooded rant which I intend to take up with any politician foolish enough to approach me prior to this year's General Election). I have abruptly stopped being polite when people 'helpfully' suggest that my POA siblings need to get their finger out and hire more care. God knows I'm free enough with my criticisms of my dear brother and sister, but that isn't one of them.
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As much as I try to keep emotions at bay I am my Mom's caregiver because I am a "caring" person...and even when I try to ignore all morons (siblings) I somehow can't shake their selfishness..
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Jessie - your comment about emotional detachment was spot on. I think some of it is trauma related - at least in my case. I've been through so much in my life that now, I just try to keep emotions at bay, because if I let myself "feel" things, I'm likely to become a basket case.
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So funny - I feel the same way. After caregiving is over, I refuse to be responsible for anyone but ME. I have never, ever lived alone in my life - ever. I lived with my parents, then immediately had a family right out of high school, and even after divorce, my kids were always with me except for short visits to their dad's. I've never had more than a month by myself in 44 years. Some days, I can't wait to be completely alone, and then I kick myself for feeling that way, because I know being completely alone means mom being gone. I'm not rushing that by any means, but some days the "caregiving days" seem to stretch out endlessly before me, with no end in sight.

Sis just informed me yesterday that she can't take Mom out of the house for a ride anymore, because she's not comfortable driving our van, Mom isn't comfortable riding in *her* van, and I won't let her irresponsible husband drive ours, either (Mom doesn't like him and I know she won't want him driving the van, so I won't even ask). There goes one more chance for a break, short of me hiring a caregiver so I can leave the state for a few days to see my son. Looks like that's going to be the only break I can get from here on out. I'm grateful for it, because I know others don't even have *that* opportunity, but darn it - it shouldn't be so hard to get a break when family lives so close.
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dee, I'm glad reading about compassion fatigue made you feel better about yourself.

This emotional state of compassion fatigue takes place not only to caregivers but also to people in the various helping professions.

I'm afraid that while some find ways to deal with this, get recharged and become more seasoned, there are others who become hardened. I had a therapist once ages ago before I got really into being in therapy who pointed out that I needed to learn how to be seasoned without becoming hardened, but I did not stick with him very long.

I noticed on college that some of the professors who taught courses for those studying various helping professions were sometimes hardened individuals who were very emotionally insulated and had gone into teaching following their experience of compassion fatigue. Back then, I wondered why they were so distant and impersonal, but now I think I have an idea why.

I wish everyone well in dealing with compassion fatigue.
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dee, you nailed it!! Actually all the post's this morning are spot one the mark!
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I was reading a bit on caregiving and came across a few articles that likened it to PTSD. It's also been mentioned on this website, the feeling or better yet, the lack of feelings and PTSD. Yep, I too have the lack of emotions. Almost like being in a robotic mode all of the time.

"Fifty Shades of Nay"!!! bwahahahahaha!!!! FUNNY!! and so TRUE! haha, I remember a few years ago I posted about having a caregivers dating site. How naive I was a few years ago. LOL I barely feel like brushing my hair, NEVER wear make-up and all my cute clothes no longer fit.... there will be no dating for me for quite some time, if ever. It would be so much more fun traveling to New Zealand with hope!!

Got a text from my oldest brother... he was asking what time I wanted him to come by and sit with mom, now normally I would just text him back but for some reason I decided to call him. He sounded so nasally... I asked him if he just woke up or if he was sick, well.... he's got a cold and I had to tell him he could not come over here if he wasn't feeling well. Seems his wife had been really sick, then my other brother got it and now the oldest. There is no way I am taking any sort of chances with mom.

Nojoy3, I like what you said.... there is a fear of commitment, which I believe is brought on by this experience. Time will tell though.

Just wish the sun would come out for a little while... that would recharge some of my batteries :)
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I for one have been feeling the same way. It is very hard to admit it though. What a blessing this site is to me. Some place I can go where people really do get it. Hope, I raised my kids alone and now they are through graduate school and beginning their professional careers. At 51 I am very content being by myself. I do have my sweet puppy, and my 3 grand pups. My favorite thing is going for a walk with them. They don't ask for much but they give so much in return. I too find it hard to relate to other people these days, present readers excluded. I have been forever changed taking care of my mom for the past six and a half years. I have no interest in watching the news as it just depresses me. I like the old black and white movies and baseball and football.and I love gardening and reading, spending time with my kids, my mom and the furkids. This is all I need in my life. Funny how when I was younger I always thought I needed a man to complete me. Had a very rough childhood followed by several rough relationships. As a child I liked to spend a lot of time by myself. Funny how that has come full circle. Now I realize I am meant to be alone and I am perfectly okay with that! It is wonderful how freeing that is. I think what I have learned is to be my own best friend. I don't have to be everything to everyone and I do not need anyone else's approval for anything.I have realized what matters and what doesn't. What a relief it is to finally settle in to myself, accept myself, and live with some sense of peace.I did read the compassion fatigue article and it was very good. Makes me feel like I'm not such a bad person after all haha.
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Big hugs (((((Sally))))). I know that my own problems are small when compared with other people. I don't know how well I would cope in your situation. I don't think I could.
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I am sad to say that I feel the same way. I just don't think I have it in me to care for anyone like I have been with my mom, again. Someone wrote something the other day about going thru HELL with her mom and then her mom passed away. Then, her sister came to her with MS. A sister who never helped her when she could have. Someone got upset with her and called her selfish for not wanting to help her sister. I don't think she was being selfish at all. I totally understood how she felt. I have a brother with schizophrenia who lives here with us and has made my life a living hell on top of trying to care for my mom. He is very nasty, tries to cause trouble for me in every way he can. I know he is sick, but I am done with it. I have had a lifetime of him. My biggest worry was that my mom would pass away and I would be here , caring for him. There is no way that that is going to happen. I will leave that job to my other brother and my sister, who have done nothing to help me. I don't feel one bit selfish for it either.
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Hope: I'm with you. After this caregiving is over I'm going solo! It's not that I dislike people but commitment to anyone equals the possibility of getting stuck in the caregiving role again and once has been enough for me. I don't think I have anything left to do it again. Like you I feel I have been forever changed by this experience.
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Jessie, and freqflyer, I think what you are describing is called compassion fatigue. I hope you can find some ways to recharge your emotional batteries.

There are a few references to it that can be searched for in the search site box in the upper right hand corner.
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Hope, "Fifty Shades of Nay" !!! That is great! Heehee...
I also feel so removed from what is going on in the World today a lot of the time. Like I am outside of a bubble looking in at other's lives. I am disappointed too in some people for running away. They act like ageing or caregiving is contageous. Just a visit for a quick coffee seems to make some people act like a deer caught in the headlights. Heck, it isn't like I am going to make them change Mom's briefs or anything like that! Hold onto your dreams for the future and just take things one day at a time....that is all we can do. We are all so great for doing this, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
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I think that there is a protective mechanism that comes into play when people are in stressful situations as in caregive. I was going to say a brick wall comes up but it really is a glass screen so that nothing can't get through and hurt. It is the only way to survive in the present. you are a kind of spectater to your own life. As sally say the future will take care of itself and the emotions will return even if they are painful at first.
Hope you may never find or want romance but if it is in God's plan it will find you. I see great things in the future for both you and Book
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Thanks Sally...I know that's true for sure...and I know I'll be ok but I think in some ways I have been forever changed by all this. I don't think it will be in a bad way though...I hope I never stop caring about other people and I do care about them, and yet it is going to be really hard to ever let anyone inside my "cone of silence".....I can count on one hand with three fingers removed how many people I trust these days.... :)
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Oh Hope, I know how you are feeling! It's very hard to have any energy left over for friends or romance these days. Don't be hard on yourself! This is what you are doing NOW...you are there for your mom and that is HUGE!!! I'm sure that you won't always feel the way you do now and one day you will feel like having friends and maybe even romance in your life. I think that caregiving for our moms who we love so much, just takes so much out of us. Especially when our siblings won't help and we have no one to talk to who understands what we are going through. Friends and people who are not going through this just don't get it. Pat yourself on the back many times because what you are doing for your mom is amazing!!! The future will take care of itself. Hugs!!!!
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last last post sounded mean spirited...I'm sorry friends...I am just really missing my Mama this morning....and dreading the visit from my brother...because he just doesn't get it....
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Another note, I have lost absolutely ALL interest in anything remotely associated to dating, romance, etc. The few people who visit will comment about how I still have a life ahead of me and I know that is true, God willing of course, but they seem to think it is going to involve a romantic involvement....NOPE...nada, nein, ne pas un, ningun. I am so not into this Fifty Shade of Grey deal that is such a huge topic right now... meh...nope.......more like Fifty Shades of Nay for me.......while I hope to one day travel up the east coast, down to the Florida Keys, maybe even New Zealand...those will be solo trips for me.... I'm amazed at how badly people bug me these days...I guess all this time of just wishing a friend would call and talk ...even on the phone....let alone come and visit and have coffee and yet nothing from any of them....I am almost in shock...and yet sadly, because I have seen it happen to so many people in this situation, I have learned that a huge segment of our population is just self serving, greedy and incompassionate...period.... again....meh
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Oh no, don't leave your cat Jeanette!!! Hopefully you won't have to leave at all, but I know you would not leave your furtots...and you're right, they might block me completely if I got going on them...they are truly my "kids" to me...

I am so baffled and emotionally exhausted. Mama has been back in one of her downhill slumps the last few days..her eyes also look very weak...In my heart it feels like every time she does this I lose her a little more and a little more...this morning I was trying to clean her nose and she raised her hand like she was trying to hit me...for her to raise that hand took a lot of strength so I know how much she hates it...I had joyfully found one of those little trimmer things that is so absolutely awesome...it helps me keep her groomed perfectly as she was always such a prim and proper little lady. I want her to be like that now as long as it is comfortable for her. but if she could have I think she might have swatted me this morning....

Jessie...I don't think it's not that you're not treasuring your time...I feel sure you are...quite honestly, I have a lot of moments like that too, even this past Friday, Mama was not doing well at all...for some reason, people think I should call the hospice folks every time something looks different or off. But as long as I have been through this with Mama, I pretty much know exactly what they are going to check and do for her and I can now do all of that as well, so aside from something I don't know is going on, in which case I would definitely call them, what are we going to do??? No more surgery, no more heroic measures...I want life to be as peaceful and painfree for Mama as possible...and Friday, while very scary in a lot of ways for me...I just sat there and held her hand, and prayed while I watched her...I had given her that little dose of Morphine that helps her relax and breathe easily, and she started resting and finally drifted off to sleep, but it's not that i want to lose her, but it hurts so much to see her like this...I see a smile less frequently...I think maybe if she could smile she would, she is just maybe not able anymore...and I feel dead inside...completely dead. Not because I don't love her....but because I love her so much and I know there is nothing else I can do but what I am doing and so I am trying to emulate Mama, be strong, be a lady, know that God alone has control of these situations and let her have her dignity.....My heart hurts so much and no one understands in my family...well, I think my two aunts...Mama's baby sisters do...but I don't have anyone to talk to other than Hospice, and I do that too, but doing that seems to bring about a flurry of activity and I don't want that and Mama doesn't want it..so I got long winded again, but I totally understrand where you are coming from Jessie....(((hugs)))
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Jessie, I have noticed the same thing about me, it's like my emotions have packed up and left for awhile. It's pretty much *whatever*, until something causes a meltdown... maybe it gets all bottled up. It doesn't make for a happy home life with sig other as I can't connect with people anymore :(
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