I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
dee.... LOL!!!!! Now that is too funny! Mom and I do the same d*mn thing!! I did read as they progress further in their disease the bowels stop working as normal as they used to. Even with stool softeners it's hard for mom to go. Haha, I have sat there with her and told her to just push that baby out and she'll feel better and forget all about it :) It's cute when they get silly and witty... like asking who the hell is that wrinkled old lady is in the mirror?... Uhm, you mom, and she replies, oh the hell it is!, I'm younger than you are!
I've been pondering this whole alone thing... I've not ever been alone either, this is about as alone as it's ever been for me. I truly think one can grow spiritually, physically and mentally living alone for however long suits them. Once we learn how to be happy with just ourselves true happiness will always be with you/
Well, the visit has ended and it went ok, as usual, didn't go anywhere, as usual, one reason is my car is acting up and the last thing I want to do is get stranded or have my engine blow up on me. My truck is also on the fritz..why do they always go at the same time. Brother did check out the car and it appears to be some sort of sensor related to the fan...
Jeanette...pack those bags, we will be off to New Zealand one day...I love traveling with a friend or alone..I don't need a man to complete me either...Most of my friends always seem to go nuts when they find themselves without something to do..Not me, because I can find or invent something to do. Even as babies, Mama told me my brother and I were very different...he required all her time, constantly, always fussy, always crying, sick a lot...on the other hand she said I was perfectly happy lying in my crib looking at my hands and feet for hours....haha...she used to tell me she was thankful I was such a joyful little soul because my brother required so much of her time...so I think it's kind of fascinating how that turned into a lifetime thing...he has always required a lot of attention and such from everyone..I have always been a loner...and I love it....
Now that the company has gone, Mama is napping and I am about to get my blanket and grab a furtot and enjoy some good tv....it is starting to cloud over a bit so I might even live it up and take a nap....so happy with the smile I got from Mama...that is what I needed...exactly!!
Assandache, I can't get over my sibling's selfishness either!! I have to learn to let it go, however , as it does tend to drain some of my much needed energy! I need to stay focused on the good things...I'm so lucky to still have my 93 year old mom, who is relatively healthy most of the time. Despite her dementia, she still knows who I am and loves me to pieces. They are the ones who are missing out!!
Sis just informed me yesterday that she can't take Mom out of the house for a ride anymore, because she's not comfortable driving our van, Mom isn't comfortable riding in *her* van, and I won't let her irresponsible husband drive ours, either (Mom doesn't like him and I know she won't want him driving the van, so I won't even ask). There goes one more chance for a break, short of me hiring a caregiver so I can leave the state for a few days to see my son. Looks like that's going to be the only break I can get from here on out. I'm grateful for it, because I know others don't even have *that* opportunity, but darn it - it shouldn't be so hard to get a break when family lives so close.
This emotional state of compassion fatigue takes place not only to caregivers but also to people in the various helping professions.
I'm afraid that while some find ways to deal with this, get recharged and become more seasoned, there are others who become hardened. I had a therapist once ages ago before I got really into being in therapy who pointed out that I needed to learn how to be seasoned without becoming hardened, but I did not stick with him very long.
I noticed on college that some of the professors who taught courses for those studying various helping professions were sometimes hardened individuals who were very emotionally insulated and had gone into teaching following their experience of compassion fatigue. Back then, I wondered why they were so distant and impersonal, but now I think I have an idea why.
I wish everyone well in dealing with compassion fatigue.
"Fifty Shades of Nay"!!! bwahahahahaha!!!! FUNNY!! and so TRUE! haha, I remember a few years ago I posted about having a caregivers dating site. How naive I was a few years ago. LOL I barely feel like brushing my hair, NEVER wear make-up and all my cute clothes no longer fit.... there will be no dating for me for quite some time, if ever. It would be so much more fun traveling to New Zealand with hope!!
Got a text from my oldest brother... he was asking what time I wanted him to come by and sit with mom, now normally I would just text him back but for some reason I decided to call him. He sounded so nasally... I asked him if he just woke up or if he was sick, well.... he's got a cold and I had to tell him he could not come over here if he wasn't feeling well. Seems his wife had been really sick, then my other brother got it and now the oldest. There is no way I am taking any sort of chances with mom.
Nojoy3, I like what you said.... there is a fear of commitment, which I believe is brought on by this experience. Time will tell though.
Just wish the sun would come out for a little while... that would recharge some of my batteries :)
There are a few references to it that can be searched for in the search site box in the upper right hand corner.
I also feel so removed from what is going on in the World today a lot of the time. Like I am outside of a bubble looking in at other's lives. I am disappointed too in some people for running away. They act like ageing or caregiving is contageous. Just a visit for a quick coffee seems to make some people act like a deer caught in the headlights. Heck, it isn't like I am going to make them change Mom's briefs or anything like that! Hold onto your dreams for the future and just take things one day at a time....that is all we can do. We are all so great for doing this, even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes.
Hope you may never find or want romance but if it is in God's plan it will find you. I see great things in the future for both you and Book
I am so baffled and emotionally exhausted. Mama has been back in one of her downhill slumps the last few days..her eyes also look very weak...In my heart it feels like every time she does this I lose her a little more and a little more...this morning I was trying to clean her nose and she raised her hand like she was trying to hit me...for her to raise that hand took a lot of strength so I know how much she hates it...I had joyfully found one of those little trimmer things that is so absolutely awesome...it helps me keep her groomed perfectly as she was always such a prim and proper little lady. I want her to be like that now as long as it is comfortable for her. but if she could have I think she might have swatted me this morning....
Jessie...I don't think it's not that you're not treasuring your time...I feel sure you are...quite honestly, I have a lot of moments like that too, even this past Friday, Mama was not doing well at all...for some reason, people think I should call the hospice folks every time something looks different or off. But as long as I have been through this with Mama, I pretty much know exactly what they are going to check and do for her and I can now do all of that as well, so aside from something I don't know is going on, in which case I would definitely call them, what are we going to do??? No more surgery, no more heroic measures...I want life to be as peaceful and painfree for Mama as possible...and Friday, while very scary in a lot of ways for me...I just sat there and held her hand, and prayed while I watched her...I had given her that little dose of Morphine that helps her relax and breathe easily, and she started resting and finally drifted off to sleep, but it's not that i want to lose her, but it hurts so much to see her like this...I see a smile less frequently...I think maybe if she could smile she would, she is just maybe not able anymore...and I feel dead inside...completely dead. Not because I don't love her....but because I love her so much and I know there is nothing else I can do but what I am doing and so I am trying to emulate Mama, be strong, be a lady, know that God alone has control of these situations and let her have her dignity.....My heart hurts so much and no one understands in my family...well, I think my two aunts...Mama's baby sisters do...but I don't have anyone to talk to other than Hospice, and I do that too, but doing that seems to bring about a flurry of activity and I don't want that and Mama doesn't want it..so I got long winded again, but I totally understrand where you are coming from Jessie....(((hugs)))