My "whine moment today." What's yours?

in my mothers last several hours of life i felt an extreme sense of loss but i also felt relief for her because life just didnt have any more comfortable or enjoyable moments for her .
right now my aunt confirms this notion to me often . she is in great spirits but bemoans her lack of challenges and triumphs . i will feel relief for edna when shes gone -- its what she wants .. a persons sense of purpose can be gone long before they reach the end of life .
ednas words to me at different occasions ; " i wish i could just go to sleep and not wake up , ill be glad when this is over , i wish i could just lay down out there in the grass and go " . why would i want anything different for her ? those are her heartfelt wishes ..

My thoughts and prayers are with all my friends who are actively loosing or have recently lost their loved ones. I see my heart attack as a blessing because it forced me to place Mom, and she is doing quite well. I could never deal with what you hero's are dealing with. Hold their hands, whisper words of love, sing to them softly and remember that earths pain is temporary. Rejoice when they reach the Kingdom and know you will see them again, whole and pain free. God Bless you all.

Jeanette, I agree that the lingering is so rough to see...all this is more difficult on us caregivers than on the dying person. When my Dad passed he had a very peaceful, wonderous look in his eyes right after...like he was seeing something so phenomenal on the other side that we here cannot even imagine. This is something we are not supposed to see until it is our time, but our loved ones are already partially over on the other side in their journey. While it may look distressing to us, I believe that someone is also taking care of them on the other side that we cannot see.

With my dad I was a bit of both CM Iput it off for what seemed like forever then did it all in a weekend well except for his dressing gown and his tools - we still have them - sticky plaster slow peel on those

Horrible, yes, I'm afraid. Like the old sticking plaster problem, you'll have to discover whether you're a rip it off quickly person or an easy easy bit by bit person. But don't think about it for now, and when you have to get your brothers in to help. Hugs.

CM, I have been thinking of you going through your mothers belongins.... heartbreaking right? I'm dreading that as well.

Jude, I love you attitude :)

Yes, my dog would have been euthanized long ago.

Clicked too soon. Sigh

Pamz, I remember your father going through this as well as Gershuns mom. Her mouth scrunches up when I moisten them as well, her hands were so swollen last night, oh, I've also noticed the urine output even though there is no input. From what I've read and been told by her nurse, her feet will turn purplish/mottled which is a big sign that it's almost time...

Veronica, thank you for spending such time on a heartfelt post. Mom would have loved your posts and especially your witty sense of humor... she was witty like that :) and a bit scandalous witty at times ;) There is someone from hospice in this house at least 5 times a week. Her nurse comes 3 x's a week, thank GOD she is coming tomorrow even though they all have the day off. She lives in our small town not too far from us... she's taken a special place in her heart for us, they all have. I do love our hospice girls. Her nurse has depacted her twice now... mom lost the urge to push awhile ago, heck I have even done that for her. Sigh. My brothers were here all day today and they have their phones glued to their side. They are still working nights but will do the best they can to be here. Mom's carer, Lisa has spent the last few evenings here... she wants to be here for mom and me. She will be the one helping me prepare mom. No, I won't rush calling the funeral home, not this time. I did with dad and later felt horrible about it, back then though, I didn't know anything about death. Yes! My old girl Daphne doesn't leave her side? She lays on a comforter underneath moms hospital bed as well as very whiney and clingy. My big girl pibble let's me hug/snuggle and cry into her fur as long as I want to...

I Pray she feels a sense of euphoria and morphine like feelings added to already morphine, I couldn't bare the thought that deep inside she's suffering Meh, I really can't bare the thought of any of this...

Susan, I hope your mother is more settled now, my heart is heavy for her also... and so many more loved ones dealing with this.

I'm gonna try and find a comfy spot on the couch ( need to kick off a few dogs first) and close my eyes, they hurt.... mom is quietly/slowly snoring so at least I can here she's alive.... (((hugs))) to all of you as well.

Nothing to forgive Jeanette. Odd isn't it that we treat our pets better than we treat our relatives when it comes to end of life care

Thank you lovely carers...

Katie, I am just as scared as you are right now. Honestly I want/need it to end. No human being should be allowed to suffer and linger on like this. Forgive me for wishing your mother for a speedy transition to her new pain/delirium free life

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Jeanette I know exactly how your are feeling right now.The last few days with my Mom were exactly as you describe. Once they stopped IV fluids in the hospital they just had her on oxygen. She lingered for 6 days without fluid. The nurses kept coming in and exclaiming "I can't believe her urine output still' I noticed that her mouth would scrunch up when I would put water on her mouth. I thought this was a sign that she was still aware and upset me a lot. The doctor assured me it was a natural response that babies do as well.

I feel for you Jeanette. Its been two weeks since my Mom passed and I still relive those moments. I have been told repeatedly that my Mom did not know I was there but I held her hand and spoke to her anyways. I was also told that people in this state are euphoric and I hope that this is true.

I will be praying for you Jeanette.

Jeanette this is the hardest part. The first thoughts are tube feeding or IVs but hospice does not do either of those for a very good reason. If you start artifically feeding at this stage of the journey you actually add to the suffering. Dehydration is said to release endorphins that are very calming. if you artificially feeding you put undue stress on the heart kidneys etc when they are trying to just keep the body ticking over as the end nears. The best thing you can do for Mom's comfort is just to swab her mouth to keep it moist. Trying to get her to drink anything is very dangerous because if it goes into her lungs she will get pneumonia. Do not try and give any medications except for pain or anxiety. if you have not started a little liquid morphine now would be the time if you think she is in pain. If she can't tell you she may screw up her face or moan or maybe draw up her legs. I think you already have a catheter so expect urine output to lessen and get very dark and eventually stop. Ask the hospice nurse about giving an enema if he has not pooped for several days. Constipation can lead to a lot of discomfort and morphine causes that. the nurse should do a rectal examination and decide if she needs the enema and then give it. You may notice her breaking pattern changes and she may stop for up to a minute then resume with a big sigh. her hands and feet may feel cold to the touch and turn blue. the skin on the side she is lying on may also look like a huge bruise when the blood is pooling. this is because the heart is getting weaker and is not strong enough to keep the circulation going. She will probably get sleepier and sleepier and eventually slip into unconsciousness and hopefully just slip away in peace. remember that hearing is the last thing to go so keep talking to her and keep the surroundings as normal as possible. Don't whisper or tiptoe around. turn on the TV if you usually have it on. you may find the old dog goes back to her side for the last couple of days and refuse to leave, wont eat go out etc and may want to climb into the bed again. it is OK to do that, comforting for both of them. don't be afraid to sleep if you can or leave the room, she may want to be alone, some people do. your hospice nurse and the social worker should explain all these things to you. Do you have anyone who can keep you company even if they are just asleep in the house. When she passes you can take your time calling hospice, this is not an emergency sit with her for as long as you want. The nurse will come and call the funeral home for you and get her ready to go. you don't need to do any of that if you don't want to. depending how far away the funeral home is they are usually pretty quick. They will bring a stretcher into the house and wheel her out. Walk out with her if you want or go to another room if you can't bear to watch. hospice will arrange for all the equipment to be picked up so you don't need to worry about that. You can do it Jeanette you have been so strong through all of this. Many Hugs and Blessings.

Jeanette, this was the last stage for my father also, he lost the ability t swallow anything, and it was heartbreaking. I feel so bad for you both,, hugs here for you.

Jeanette, You and your Mom are in my thoughts and prayers. Have any of the hospice people been in? We are all here for you too.

It really does seem like a surreal nitemare at times...like one is underwater or that this is a bad dream and cannot really be happening. My Mom has been having agitated delirium in the nursing home the past couple days. She is very restless ... They have done all kinds of tests and see nothing but the UTI for which she is being treated. I am feeling really sad and frightened tonite ....frightened it might end, yet frightened that it will go on and the suffering will continue. I never would have believed that aging could be so very rough.

Seriously, is this it? Is there nothing else I should be doing than just sitting with her? Should I attempt water periodically or ensure? I can't... just can't. My heart is just shredded. All of this seems like such a surreal nightmare...situations like this just should not be allowed to happen to human beings.

FF - just pictured you sitting behind the wheel applying mascara with the brush between your toes

Veronica, LOL thanks for the laugh about grocery shopping one armed, I needed that :)

I have learned to zip up my purse using my teeth, and have gotten better at picking up small items that fall on the floor using my toes. Haven't mastered putting on eyeliner, yet :P

Oh Jeanette...I'm so sorry. This is the toughest part for all of us. It's horrible to feel that they may be suffering and not be able to do anything about it.

Jeanette darling huge hugs - this torment must seem endless. Is there anyone who can step in and give you a breather sweetheart. Perhaps someone from the church who could come and sit with you and talk to you. You are clearly starting to grieve for what will inevitably come to us all. Is there nothing a doctor cam do at this stage? God knows I moan but I am dreading coming to this point and you are all so brave you Jeanette have my admiration for being so so strong xxxxxxx

Hey all, hope everyone is doing as well as could be....

Susan, I really am happy your mother was able to come home sooner vs later.

Veronica, although it hasn't frosted it's been colder than normal and not much. I plated a few weeks ago when it was in the high 70's, well 4 days later it started getting colder and rainy. Sigh.

It's been an awful few days for me and it will not get better. Mom has reached the point where she can't swallow. I almost choked her using a tiny syringe to get some liquids in her. I don't know what to do anymore.... do I just stop trying? Am I really supposed to sit here and watch her die like that? How in Gods name am I to do that?? Even swabbing her mouth out, the tiny bit of water on the sponge isn't wanting to go down.... I don't think I can do this, watch her die like this...the cruelties of this disease never seem to end, even with her death it won't end, not for me...I will never be the same again

Shilo - she is on Aminodarone, which is an antiarrhythmic, but I don't see where it has any affect on blood pressure, so I'm wondering about the d/c of her Atenolol. I'm going to call and talk to a nurse as soon as one is available to see what happened there. I don't want to give it to her until I know it's safe, but I don't want to wait too long, either.

LOL Veronica the trouble is that is EXACTLY what they expect poor FF to do - FF take no notice of Veronica darling the big nasty lady (said in my best imitation of a baby voice) is just trying to tease you. Your Mum and Dad on the other hand probably mean it because they cant recognise the issue bless em. Grins love it Veronica ...having been one handed for a short period once even getting your damned card out of your purse can be darned awkward so even shopping on line is still time consuming

FF you really are a big baby. Why can't you drive with one hand? Use one of those handy dandy electric carts. Put that bunch of bananas between your knees and pull one off with your good hand. If you look pitiful enough the bagger may carry your stuff out to the car for you. Your poor parents they raised you to be resourceful. Dad will probably bring the wheelbarrow down to the car to get the stuff inside - no wait he's a fall risk so you will have to make several trips up to the house with bags in your good hand and a couple between your teeth. Mom of course will be totally oblivious because she can't see but she will soon notice you forgot the 20lb bag of kitty litter on the list. Don't have a cat well it's best to keep some in the house in case the car gets stuck in the driveway next winter. and as you stagger back to your car (Dad still won't have a handrail put on the steps) Mom calls after you "Don't forget to take the bag of clothes for the thrift store." very very bad four letter words are allowed at this time. Maybe SO can supply some Yiddish ones, they always sound better in another language. Hope you have a peaceful week end.

p.s. especially one more suited for controlling A-fib.

Susan - It could be since she had the pacemaker put in she doesn't need all the medicines or they change them to something better suited for her. Are there any other blood pressure medicines on the list?

Ugh....Finally got all the meds sorted out (now mom takes 4 additional pills each day, quite a cocktail of drugs going on there) - but she was on Atenolol for her blood pressure and Lisinopril for her heart, and now neither is included on her medicine sheet from the nursnig home, so I'm trying to figure out who d/c'd them and when. No one told me anything about it, and apparently she wasn't getting either one in the NH, so now I'm left wondering what the heck is going on there. I'm not giving them to her until I talk to someone because I have no idea why they aren't on the sheet and if there may be an interaction or reason they were d/c'd.

re: Xarelto, they have to use known celebrities to advertise their product. Have you ever seen the commercials luring people who have used Xarelto and have had bleeding issues, etc. to call because they may be entitled to a claim against the company? The company needs the positive promotion from the celebrities to offset the negative advertisement.

Trying to do the weekly grocery order for my parents... on their list are "in store" items they don't want me to order on-line..... earth to parent, ever try to grocery shop using one arm? [I have a broken shoulder]... ever try to guide a grocery cart with one arm, you'll be going around in circles.... ever try to tear off bananas from a bunch with one arm?... etc.... oh wait... I can't drive... never mind.

Why can't my parents roll with this temporary medical issue that I have for a few weeks? And no, my sig other can't take you to the store, that is defeating the purpose of the on-line delivery. Oh well, my Mom comes from the generation where the wives went grocery shopping 3 to 4 times a week. That's not me, I use to go once every two weeks.... [sigh]

We have soft fluffy type bags that you can put over pots like that Veronica - Its a while since I bought them but I think they are called fleece jackets but when I use them I use straw round the top of the pot just to protect the roots - the trouble is if the jacket touches the tomatoes it may still gets frosted if it gets very cold xxx

Just a little whine. We had a frost last night and although I put covers on everything the tomatoes got frosted. I had them in big pots on the deck and they were growing nicely. should have known better than to plant my garden before Memorial Day. Hope everyone has a peaceful week end.