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Today's whine... hang on cuz I am TIRED

So....Mom's birthday is tomorrow which is also Mother's Day. I've been putting together this semi big deal as this is probably the last she'll recognize. Bought her a lovely outfit, did her hair, some make-up....she looks damn good for 79 BUT it's been non-stop complain complain complain about everything....I'm so tired right now I don't even want to go out....but I've 16 other people who have been great...wait, make that 12 other people as my siblings and their spouses don't count!! Grrr!!

Now she's threatening to stay home because she doesn't like all the wrinkles on her face. Sigh.... I cannot fix that, but I damn sure when all is said and done gonna try and fix all the wrinkles she's giving me!!!

Please please please mom, just go and have FUN and stop complaining already
(4)
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Ok as it looks as if I won't get to bed tonight I thought I'd share a little "whine" with you all.Mother has sciatica.She's overly sensitive to "anticipated" pain even when then is none.Now she really has pain, has a terrible time getting in and out bed ( which she absolutely insists on doing) but when I try to help her she screams like a banshee before I even touch her. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm torturing her. They've asked about her more frequently, have taken to "looking in" on her and look at me funny. Part of this problem lies with me.I'm so exhausted all the time I laugh at inappropriate times. For instance: Mom also screams when she notices us. We can be talking with/at her and she drifts into neverland, turns and see's us then lets out a blood curdling scream. Lately it sends me into fits of laughter.
Soooo..the neighbors hear screams then maniacal laughter.
In addition to this Mother keeps her room dark. As soon as I open the curtains, she closes them. All winter she has lived like a bat. She's fair skinned anyway and now extremely pale from lack of sun. Lately, she has decided to sit with our dog on the porch. Great!! I thought... but....she goes into her own world, doesn't move for an hour and looks dead. It suddenly occurred to me that my neighbors may think I've done the old girl in and prop her up from time to time in order to collect her check(again maniacal laughter).
Last whine: Mother thinks she can still clean herself after toileting.Sometimes her efforts are good, other times not so much.A few days ago the stink that followed her drove my dog into the "I didn't do it" position.When I mentioned it to mom she became very indignant and despite the fact that my hubby was within a few feet of her,she dropped her pants and protective underwear to prove she was clean.Again I laughed.I couldn't stop, it made the situation worse.
When she dropped her drawers not only was she covered with poop skids but bits of toilet paper from crack to thighs..AND...she had a long piece of toilet paper hanging from her bottom like a tail. It wasn't funny but I couldn't stop laughing.Hubby running from the room didn't help either. Then to prove she had problems she made me show her in a mirror. It was hand mirror and not easily positioned to give her a look. As she moved the paper tail swayed from side to side. I am sure I'm going to h*ll for falling back onto her bed laughing uncontrollably. Sometimes I think of these episodes in bed before passing out and start giggling. My hubby looks at me funny too lately. Maybe I'm just paranoid or losing it completely? Maybe I lost my mind and didn't know it?
It can happen. It happened to poor old mother didn't it? Oh well, nite, nite fellow
inmates.
(8)
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Oh dear your having a rough time never mind the noisy neighbors but maybe let them know whats going on and if they are really concern ask them would shay like to help? Next time they come over or look at you. I laugh at silly sad situations also it's normal when we are under lots of stress and just dealing with this kind of situation. Hang in there maybe get some extra help and have a nurse come in so she can see whats going on before a noisy neighbor comes over again.
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Actually I'm in very good shape though it's nice to have a sympathetic ear.
My sense of humor is a bit twisted but it has saved me from the demons that torture others.
The one thing that does bother me though is the lack of support for caregivers.For instance, an elderly person living with family is unable (in my state) to take advantage of home health care services.In order to have help with bathing or other they must be bedridden or living on their own.
If the elderly person is reasonably good health they will not be admitted to hospital even if they have the flu. (my mom is 94 and doc said he could not "justify" admitting her under the current law.
As she suffers from dementia and my hubby and I are in our 60's we were advised to look into placement for her.Her income is very low(factory worker all her life) no assets, but decent insurance.What is open to her are shared room accommodations in a setting that caters to a population with all disabilities.
I've worked in these settings and it's less than ideal (to say nothing of understaffing).
Many caregivers are struck.There is no way out.There is no cavalry coming to share the burden.Our parents and grandparents are forced to move in with us at a time of life when most are struggling with their own health issues, financial problems or lack of training available only through books or coarses that few can afford.
Most are physically and mentally unprepared for what they are facing.The worse of which is facing your own mortality.Seeing every day what you might become or face in the not so distant future. A truly frightening thought for a youth driven society.
Aging Care is one of the few sites that offers practical hands on experience advice and support.It's a least a place to feel you belong when all desert you.
Thank you all for being here for me, for us and for those that follow us.
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Olmaandme - your post about the toilet paper tail sent me into a giggling fit!

My whine moment today is about my own intolerances or "ew" issues that I just can't tolerate, but have to, because I'm the only one caring for mom.

I have a serious issue touching other people's feet. Not little baby "I'm gonna num num num kiss kiss kiss those itty bitty piggies" feet. We're talking about adult feet - specifically MOM'S feet. Cutting her nails, putting her socks & shoes on, etc - it's enough to send me into a shuddering fit, and I have to wash my hands when I'm done, because her feet just gross me out. I know it's a little nuts, but I just can't deal with them.

Today, it's Mom's cricket-like habit of rubbing her feet and legs together when she's laying down and the sound of her feet/legs rubbing together that's getting to me. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I know when she hasn't taken her pills, because her legs are so restless that she can't lay still - which was the case today. She laid down before taking the pills, and I think she was trying to play a symphony on her feet/legs.

I work from home, and Mom refuses to sleep anywhere but the living room, which is where my desk is. If I try to work from another room, she gets upset and says she's lonely. I'm seriously considering moving my desk into the kitchen, at least, so I can have some semblance of a professional working environment -one without someone snoring, farting, and rubbing her legs together while I'm trying to work....(sigh).

The challenges we face...I tell ya.....
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Susan if mom is mobile Medicare will pay for a podiatrist visit every 12 weeks. if you can bear to touch the feet and legs give them a good going over with lotion every day which might reduce the sandpaper sound.
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Thanks, Veronica - I'll check into that. 12 weeks is a little long for her to go without her toenails cut, though. I mean, I cut mine once a week...so....
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Thats what I thought too but the podiatrist cut mine really short and they do last. They may get a little raggy and just need tidying up. In case you haven't noticed everything slows down with age!!!!!!!!!!!!
When she's sleeping she might be uncomfortable so try a very small pillow under her knees or each leg on a soft pillow. She might have "restless legs" which is very annoying for the sufferer. It does not usually happen all the time but it gives you a strong desire to constantly move the legs. They take on a life of their own.
Ask her Dr about that. Sorry I can't help with the snoring or farting. lying on the side would help with snoring if she'd do that.
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The silent creeping drives me out of my mind...my mother barely lifts her feet when she walks and we have carpet everywhere...when I am on the couch with my iPad and she comes up to me yelling my name I get startled ..it's worse when I fall asleep and she does this...then I'm scared out of my mind as she is so noiseless..even my dogs can't hear her coming and they bark like crazy when they finally notice her...when you can spook a dog...wow
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Maybe put alarms under the carpet that will scare HER
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My mother is obsessed lately with how long it takes to get somewhere. They truly are like kids. She will ask "are we there yet? " We were going a mile away from home to the store. "It takes a long time to get to dialysis! " (It takes 15 or 20 minutes depending on traffic)

I can't have her go to the store with me anymore. Why you may ask? She will put 12 cans of tuna, 6 boxes of oatmeal, 4 boxes of denture cream, and 4 boxes of wine and then she will put that all back. She will forget all that and start over again. I can't do my own shopping because I have to supervise. It took us almost 2 hours to grocery shop for 6 items one day. The repeating stuff still is making me nutty.
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I haven't whined in quite awhile. I think I am due...

Mom has been declining at an alarming pace? Either that or I've been really blind.... the hallucinations started a few weeks ago. Up all hours of the night wandering the house thinking there is people in there trying to kill her.... running telling the police men ( they know she's got AZ) that I beat her... oh man...

Today she had her Neurologist appt. GOOD GOD you'd thought I was committing her!... no Ma, just a check up to make sure the patch is doing its thing. Nope, she sat there, arms folded, eyes in death slits... told the Neurologist I was just trying to get her committed and I was lying about everything. The Dr just smiled and told her that I was just trying to keep her safe. Prescribed her Seroquel ... sigh. It would be easier to have a private consult with the doc vs. describing all that goes on in front of her. SHE FORGETS!! 20 minute drive to docs, 40 questions about where we are going. 40 answers all the same. YET, I never told her.
I took her to the little mall afterwards so we could walk around and window shop and have a nice lunch. NOPE! She wouldn't get out of the car.... after much persuasion she managed to get out...but then walked ten feet behind me. Every time I stopped, she stopped and glared. If I came close to her, she'd make that hissing noise. really? She hasn't spoke to me all day (whew)

So... my whine is; why do I get so mistreated for doing my best for her and my brothers get all the Disney Dad Glory?

Mom IS going to daycare 3 times a week.... after the seroquel kicks in.

Bedtime yet?
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Wow I feel for you must be hard dealing with all that extra stress on top of everything maybe with your cell phone record all the questions she needs to ask the Doctor before you go then just play them so they can be answered as for her accusing you of beating her that must be tough to go through and getting up at night with bizarre thoughts, I can't imagine. Maybe record her when she comes up with these outrageous delusions. Lots of love your way god bless you for being such a tenderhearted person.
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Will she ever stop asking
Do I have my purse?
Did I forget something? Always thinking about the purse
Where is my purse?
Arrgghhh
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Keep in mind, this is just a "whine" topic. It is hard dealing with this, but, it's not any harder than what others are dealing with. I am happy y'all understand and not judge. Not berating or being mean.. just saying...wow....I try so hard and she is a PISS ANT!

Mom told the Neurologist off today... why? Well, when we left I said "she's a feisty old lady ain't she"? The doc laughed.......... OMG You are taking up for HER and not listening to me!!! Sigh....

Lots of love to all of us dealing with this... it is not easy.

She is now full of love and does not remember being a nasty cranky old feisty b*tch

double sigh
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These stories help me so much as I am full time care of Mom no relatives no help. Hospice started and that helps a lot. Will be with my mom till the end, no more hospitals. I love her so very much and it is so hard for me seeing her like this.

yup got the guilts,the tears, the hopefuls then the not hopefuls, emotional roller coaster is an understatement..Thank you all for sharing.

Linda
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crying...couldn't have said it better myself...today has been one of "those" days.....the ultimate cruel roller coaster for sure
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My whine moment......dad is getting worse. Has copd severe with sluggish heart. Partlycuz he take his albuterol nebulizer then heads right out to the garage to smoke! What the heck? He was told in January to quit smoking and no salt or processed foods. He eats tuna w/crackers, pkged meats, salami, French bread w/margarine and diet pepsi! He complains I don't cook enough red meat & potatoes w/gravy. Well he's unhealthy and I try to health him up but get so much complaints that sometimes I let him eat whatever!. He naps twice a day and when he gets up at 8 or 9 pm its a big bowl of ice cream w/choc syrup. Or he eats choc bars like they were crackers! No matter what I do to help, he does the opposite. I am tired of being treated like a teenager at 58 and tired of being told what I can and cannot do! Told him today that I don't know why mom stayed with him when he is so overbearing. She passed in 1993 of lung cancer and u think he wouldn't want to have the same happen to him and be more careful? Nope. He always says "I've ate this or that or did this for the past 80 years...blah blahblah" and I try to tell him that certain things are making his health worse. We're moving 1200 miles away to a better climate and I am now wondering if he can even make the trip! I have no one to send him to so I can make the drive with our things so he has to go along for the ride. Hospice is helping now getting us the 02 he'll need and meds but they say "good luck". His feet are swollen even with Lasix and he has looked so tired and worn these past 2 wks and I've been doing all the packing!! Not to mention taking care of him and his meds, meals, laundry, dishes and working part time! I am beyond stressed and I am just hoping he goes soon as I cant do this any more! Its like a liver transplant patient having a few shots to celebrate the new liver! Whats the point? Hes 85, 40% kidney function, 25% 02 saturation in blood, bp of 102/52, HR of 42 and has lost 15 lbs in 2 months. He can barely walk due to swollen feet and can only make pots of coffee, pour drinks and slice French bread. He doesn't pick up cans, or plates or cups and waits for me to do it. His life is meds and Fox news (hate that) and naps. I don't take him anywhere anymore cuz he wont wear his 02 and his levels drop so fast that its not worth it. Thankful so much we have Hospice!! No more doc appts or going anywhere. This is worse than when I raised twins alone!!! So thts my whine for today. I cold go on but it stresses me to even talk about it anymore. I just need a break for a week or so and that doesn't look promising. Pray that I can handle this and not be so angry with him. Trying but it isn't working so well. Anyone want to give me a 2 wk vacation all expenses paid? LOL! Hope everyone understands. I don't and am aging more quickly than I had anticipated. God bless us all!!
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Yeah... I think it is harder for daughters to tend to our fathers. They do treat us daughters differently. We adore them differently. Least I did :) Before my father passed, he worked my a** off trying to make him comfortable to pass into the other life. Shhh... take your time. If dad is on hospice it means ....well,, you know. My dad agreed to hospice 2 days before he passed. I was sleeping with him by that time to help his demons. Things a daughter is not supposed to see.

HEY!! I lived. It is ok. The Hospice peeps called it "furniture skiing" Who Knew?

A two week vacation? Oh Yea! I'm down...who is parent sitting?

.
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ARRRGHHH. I have been trying *very* hard to remain upbeat lately, but when my workload increases, the dishes pile up (because the workload increased), the laundry piles up, the dog bugging to be let out 10 times a day, the cat bugging me for treats, and then MOM having this uncanny ability to either want something or wake up from a nap and need something at the very moment I've just sat down and settled into work....EEEEEEEK! My temper is *very* short today and I'm really wanting to just lock myself in my room with my laptop so I can get some work done! (That would work, but then I'd be staring at the pile of laundry, because I sleep in the spare bedroom/laundry room.)

(sigh) ok. Rant over. Time to put on my headphones, turn on some music and try to make a dent in this pile of work. Oh wait...what's that smell....darn. Oh gee...it's Mom...again. Shower day was yesterday, and she still hasn't showered and resists all gentle nudging by me to do so. Time to play the bad guy again - which I HATE - and tell her the smell is bad in the house and she is the source. :-( It's effective - usually gets her to shower and she exclaims how much better she feels afterwards - but just getting her to do it...ugh.
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Showers are a real problem here too. My husband grew up with a sister who monopolized the only bathroom. Mom and Grandma used the kitchen and the three males in the family used a makeshift garden hose shower and the laundry tubs in the basement.

Not too much incentive for the guys to be too particular. Thus, my husband never really liked a shower and used the hand bowl for most of his cleanliness. Now, I can just barely get him to do that. And a bath or shower - heaven forbid. "I haven't done anything to get dirty - why a shower so often (like once a week, at most?)

I am responsible for keeping the nether regions clean due to lack of control and poor balance, but a complete bath with shampoo - never without complaint. It's gotta' be today - putting my foot down! There! Now, I'm committed....
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To all the ranters and ravers out there! I SO HEAR YOU ALL!! I feel guilty when I get upset with dad due to not showering, always wanting something just as I have to go to work or am in the middle of something. I am so sick of Fox news all day long or the old westerns he watches and when I find something I like he talks thru the entire program! Told him he will have a room w/tv, fridge and all the necesseties so I can have some semblance of life also. He is dying and once we get to our new place I think he will give up. I'm sure he sees how hard I work and feels he's a burden..he is but its what I have to do and its really not as bad as it sounds sometimes. I am overly stressed, need ME time and some sort of outside fun because this is so frustrating to watch someone who is so sick smoke & drink & not eat well though there is plenty of good food around. He is lazy & chauvinistic...always has been. But my pity side is with him and I try to do the best I can. Would go outside & scream but neighbors would come running!! LOL! So, its ok to complain and feel burdened but its not ok to ignore their needs and that's what makes it frustrating because they are sooooo needy and incapacitated to care for themselves. I will be sad when hes gone but will be grateful I was able to be here when no one else would. Its such a 2 sided thing this caregiving. Told my kids to put me in a home or if I get that bad just know I will go out into the woods and end it, saving everyone a lot of pain & frustration. Hang in there everyone cuz one day we will miss them terribly! Love and Hugs to all!!
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I don't want to go to work tomorrow.
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I am starting to feel like a prisoner keeping a diary...

Day 4
Captor refuses to shower. House reeks of b.o. and urine, and whenever she moves (which is rarely), the intense odor increases, causing me to nearly gag. I try to open windows to increase ventilation - she counters this move by demanding I close them and turn the heat up, thereby stifling me in this odorous, closed-in space. She sees my discomfort but says nothing - heartless. She constantly increases the volume on the television, making it impossible to concentrate on anything - and when I am able to gain control of the remote and turn it down (or off) when she's sleeping, she wakes up and insists I turn it back on - or that I turn it back up - and then goes back to sleep! Torture. There must be a law against this sort of treatment.

She sleeps...but wakes immediately upon my having completed a task and returned to my seat to begin my work....and demands that I get back up and retrieve something for her from the next room, or make her a snack - things she could easily do herself, but requires of me instead.

I must escape. But how? I have no allies, no confidants who will come to my aid. They abandoned me when I entered this place, saying they had lives of their own and couldn't help me. I cannot even count on my government to intervene on my behalf.

I must remain strong. I will.
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(while the above was written in jest, I'm sure you get the picture. )
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Susan - Love it! Hilarious and well written!........and I feel your pain.

My whine for today.....getting called at 2:00 AM not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES in a row (our hellos never got a response) as hubs and I are scrambling to wake up, get dressed (more or less), grab the car keys, run out to the car in the dark of night and race over to MIL's....adrenaline pumping....questions racing through out minds - did she fall out of bed? Is she hurt?....only to get there and find her lying peacefully, calmly in her bed. What's wrong? hubs asks her. "My TV went off. I can't get it turned back on again." REALLY??!!!

I confess...I lost it a little. I'll appologize to her later, but her HHA comes to wash and dress her this morning so for now I'm going to just sit here and enjoy my coffee (and my rant) and attempt to collect myself.

Then maybe later, after I apologize, I'll post it as my "Accomplishment" for today on Captain's thread.
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OH my goodness, yaya! That must be maddening.

Thanks for the compliment. I'm a frustrated writer with no time to write. LOL I have a million stories inside my head just clamoring for release, but no time to put them down. One of these days...

Amazingly, I have 2 accomplishments to post to Captain's thread today. Immediately after I posted my whine above, 2 amazing things happened. I'll have to share them later.
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Susan, can't wait to read those amazing 2 accomplishments!! Your writing is awesome. Really, I love reading your posts! If only I could get my thoughts out into words....mine seem to stay as brilliant thoughts in my head and confused jumbling when I try and write it out.

Yaya, how far does MIL live? I bet you can find some sort of remote control App that can be installed and then you'd just have to push a button and voila' TV is on again...all from the comfort of your own bed!!
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Thank you so much, Jeanette! I have so many stories to tell, but finding the time is the problem. If I ever find the time, I'll probably be too old to remember them.

Guess I better start writing soon.
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