I feel so bad because my patience is so short!

I think there are times when all of our patience is worn down. Today was one of those days for me. My mother really tried my patience today. One of the worst problems I have is she won't accept it when I say no. She keeps on and on until I either cave to get rid of her or leave. When I tell her no, it is with good cause, but she will launch into how mean I am and enumerate all my lifelong character flaws. And she won't put it down. If I'm in my room, she'll keep coming to the door.

I'm glad every day is not like today. I finally had to tell her to leave me alone this evening. I felt bad doing that, but also knew that I had been pushed to the point. Even the most docile pet will react if you poke it with a stick enough times. I didn't have an ounce of patience left in me.

I've been through the same kinds of things. There is a person inside of me that I don't like very much, but I try to keep her out of the house. Feel sorry for the public! Actually, I am working on being a kinder person. Lately it is a little easier to show compassion because my mother has just been so sick and so afraid. I pray every day that I die before I reach a time in life where I have to go through what she's going through. When I compare it to what would happen if I'm ever subjected to living with my daughter, I think I'm an angel.

I cannot ever imagine my daughter doing what I am doing right now. She just does not have the caregiver personality and we would both be miserable so I must die before that happens - haha.

It wasn't until I stopped thinking why are THEY like that and shifted to why am I like this that I experienced an endless well of patience with my aged parents. They did it for me when I was little and helpless and they deserve that I find a way to make their end-days the smoothest they can be. I love them. Blaming them for their state helps no one. The answer to our problems lies within ourselves. Our world won't change until we do. No matter how hard you stomp your feet.

GayleV, what's your deal? Seems like you think it's your role on this forum to critique everyone else's advice. It isn't. People are giving their honest advice for what has worked for them. Can't you just leave it alone? No one likes the bully...

Yes, out parents helped us when we were little, but were our parents in their 60's and 70's when we were young? No, they were decades younger with a lot of energy, and a lot more patience. Don't forget, children eventually learn to do things for themselves... that isn't the case with some aging parents who can finding they can do less and less for themselves.

It's sad seeing our parent(s) this way.... and as we were growing up and wanting to go out in the world, I doubt that our parent(s) were thinking "ah, some day I hope he/she becomes a Caregiver with no life of their own".

I posted earlier but just wanted to add. Imagine being a Son trying to dress his Mother everyday, who has Parkinson's Disease with the movements. Patience ? ..... yeah right. I pray for it also.

I like your comment freqflyer. It is sad seeing our parent(s) this way. Remember, sons and daughters did not ask to be brought into this world, that is the parents choice. I do not recall while grade school saying to myself, hey I want to be a Caregiver when I grow up. Even though I feel I'm very good at it and it makes me feel good at times knowing I'm making difference I my Moms life, but there is no difference in my life just the same thing over and over.

This thread sounds like a bunch of self-centered middle-aged whiners... "YEAH, but bla, bla, bla." Bad relationships and poor planning cannot be cured on an Internet forum. No-one knew their parents were getting old? Suddenly it's a giant inconvenience that just when you thought you could be carefree you have to care for your only parents and it's too much for you to digest? Give me a break. What did you think was going to happen? This has been going on since the beginning of time. People who have no respect for the elderly are morally bankrupt. Look in the mirror and get serious about your responsibilities. They ARE your responsibility. Get over it. Change. Become better. Stop whinning. Figure it out. You have no choice but to be an adult.

Well thank you Thomas for being so patient and understanding of US.... pfttttttt!

I find getting up early and taking a walk followed by 20 minutes of meditation helps immensely.

I hear you kathyt1. I'm up around 5am everyday and workout from 6am to 7am, before my Mom wakes up for the day.

ladeeM, seriously? Feel free to wallow in the 'we didn't ask to be born' swill that permeates this little thread. I pretty much dropped that approach in high school. I thought this was for adults. First I said, love them, and was shot down for being too 'Kung Fu'. If you aren't up to the responsibility, it's time to start writing checks. Sounds like that would solve most of your problems. And seems like what most of you would prefer if you had the cash. Idiots. I feel sorry for your parents. Apparently they didn't do a very good job raising responsible children now did they?

Thomas, the biggest problem most people have is that you came in criticizing without even introducing yourself. We don't know what you're facing, and you don't know a thing about the people you and zen-ing. You probably don't realize that this is a site where people are free to vent what is going on in their lives, and that this helps relieve some of the tension of caregiving.

We get some trolls here who come in doing what you did and make their wall private, which you did. They tell us little of themselves, then talk to try to stir trouble. If that is what you are doing, you need a new course in life. If it's not, then start a thread to talk about taking care of your father. We know nothing about him or you.

Thomashreid, I doubt many of us when we were younger knew we were going to be Caregivers in our middle age. I knew nothing about caregiving because my parents never took care of their own parents, and none of my friends parents did either. This was foreign territory for me.... it's like being put into a job where you have zero experience and no training.

My parents were professional people who always had their life planned out, and I assume they would have had the where for all to plan into their later years. So I didn't pay attention as they always took care of themselves.

For me, I thought when you became real elderly and couldn't care for yourself at home, that you moved into a place that would take really good care of you. Even now I am so surprised how many people have to take care of their parents either in their own home or in their parent(s) home.

Let's have some compassion for those of us who are having difficulty in doing caregiving.... not every can be a caregiver, just like not everyone can be brain surgeon, a teacher, a farmer, a police officer, etc.

Everyone, I read through the thread and it is really so mild. Pretty much everyone is saying they wish they had more patience, but have a hard time with it. I think any caregiver can understand this. I couldn't find anything that merited a moral correction. Maybe other people can find such a post here. I think we have a GOAT amongst us. So don't worry, be happy.

The comment 3hrs ago that permeates this thread that Caregivers are a bunch of self-centered middle-aged whiners........ How is being a Caregiver self-centered ? When everything a Caregiver does is for other people. The brothers, sisters and other family members that don't help out. Some of us here are in this thing alone.

Sounds like we all have the same problem. I, too, lose patience with my mother, with her lies, her imaginings, having to repeat everything 5 times, etc. I have never had a lot of patience to begin with, and she frustrates me. I wish I knew the answer. I find as I age, I am much more irritable and intolerant myself and I don't know what to do about it.

Just read an article about how SEALS deal with stress. It's 4x4x4. 4 deep breaths, 4 slow breaths out,4 times each. Also, change your thoughts to focus on you can learn from what you are going through instead of thinking why it's happening to you.

Thomas, this is supposed to be a forum for people to support each other not a bashing session. We are all tired, fed up and over the top with responsibilities. None of us bought into the deal that we would be the one and only one while siblings, grandchildren, and the ilk are out foot loose and fancy free. For God sake at least we can commiserate!!! How many years have you been caring for your elder and under what kinds of circumstances?

Thomashreid, you should really be ashamed. If our parents didn't raise us right, NONE of us would be on this site. We would instead be off living the high life like our siblings, too busy being selfish to even SEEK help anywhere. None of us, I am certain, expected to be caring for our parents however, here we all are, doing the right thing every single minute of every single day, so if you want advice or help, feel free to stay, otherwise, we all have enough to deal with and do not need your evil commentary.

GayleV I hear you. Much of my dads behavior is the same as it has been the last ten years or so, some of it his entire life. I never had to deal with it much before, but am finding out more and more daily. He gets sad if no one calls or visits, but when someone does call, he acts impatient and wants to get off the phone in a hurry! I tell him maybe this is why no one visits. It's hard, because you don't want them to be hurt but then they never tried to change and people think they are jerks and don't come around any longer. It's just hard all around and it can't be fixed, just endured.

I'm sorry. I offered my honest opinion on how I cope with my role as a caregiver. That comment was immediated pounced upon. (Re-read the string in sequence) Funny thing is I learned to accept this final lesson my parents are teaching me on one of these email forums. It has changed my relationship with my elderly (87 & 89) parents. I honesty can tell you I now have infinate patience with my parents, whom I formerly did not.

We are at our greatest when we are turned outward, and our smallest when we are turned inward and focusing on ourselves. It seems to me, at least, that many of the posters really resent the fact they are in caregiver role. My advice is to cross that line and see the world through the eyes of the elderly, not your own eyes. Seriously, they need you. My final comment on this topic is, as Zig Ziglar has said, 'People need love the most, when they deserve it the least." Take your parents into your heart, or admit it is beyond you and hire someone who can. But please, for your own good and the good of your parents, stop this 'why me' business. It helps no one. - Thom Reid

Thom, the biggest problem was simply one of old-fashioned netiquette. You entered the board with no introduction, then went to the podium. No one knew or still knows who you are. We don't know if you live with your father or how ill he is. We do not know your experience. You were invited to introduce yourself, but didn't. And you responded without any patience when people took exception to what you wrote. None of us really have the "best way" to do things. What we have learned from the group is that something that works for a gentle parent will not work for a violent, angry one. I hope you will stay and learn a bit more. You may find some of the words help you.

Thomashreid, one thing we all learn that that no two cases are the same. We aren't all in the same rubber stamp situation. But we are human, and we all thinking differently. But one thing most of us have in common is that we are just plain tired, mentally and physically.

JessieBelle, I can only speak from my own experience, which I did. I never implied that I had all the answers. Never, in my time on the Internet, have I had to introduce myself in order to post in a forum. You don't have to know me. A thought works for you or it doesn't. It's nice that you have reached out as a spokesperson for this site. However I believe it's not necessary. As I look at this string, it appears commiserating is the purpose of it all. I understand. Commiserate with all your might. However nothing changes until you do, check with the experts, don't take my opinion for it. Sometimes you have to hear what you don't want to hear. Wether you like it or not. They are not the problem, you are. You're not a dog on a leash. You always have a choice. Take a step back and look at your situation. And when you tell yourself you don't know what to do, ask yourself 'if I did know, what would I do'. I recommend not bailing out, but figuring it out.

And no, I'm not going away. You go away if you can't face your own shortcomings. Look in the mirror, my friend. It starts and ends with you. Help your parents wether you like them or not. You owe it to them. They did it for you, no matter how inconvenient it is. You wouldn't believe what I've been through with my parents. And it's none of your business. So don't give me your BS about how hard you have it and how nobody understands. Feeling sorry for yourself never really works. I tried once. Now I take responsibility for the quality of my own experience. R-E-S-P-O-N-C-B-I-T-Y. Look it up...

Thomashreid, just curious why you are even on this forum.

With your heavy handiness way of posting, is there an underline issue that you don't wish to discuss but still want to vent?

What a nasty poster you are, Thomashreid. Have you perhaps been posting here before, under a different name?

You claim to have "infinite" patience with your parents. But you exhibit none for your fellow caregivers. What a pity.

I'm just wondering when I did all the things I am accused of. I don't think I've discussed how hard I've had it or how no one understands. I don't think I've ever uttered those words in my life. I don't even remember thinking them. And spokesperson for the group would be a couple of other people here. (BTW, this is said calmly and very zen. Online words don't ruffle me much.)

Asking you to face yourself is hardly nasty. That's the weakness of the written word. All I'm saying is get on the side of loving them. Is that really so hard? Or so wrong for me to suggest? "POOR ME", how does that help your situation Honestly? How? I didn't come here for disruption. I came here to offer a simple, very simple, honest opinion. I feel you all are who's vicious. I'll get pounced upon for saying so, however I feel men are not welcome here.