I feel so bad because my patience is so short!

The comment 3hrs ago that permeates this thread that Caregivers are a bunch of self-centered middle-aged whiners........ How is being a Caregiver self-centered ? When everything a Caregiver does is for other people. The brothers, sisters and other family members that don't help out. Some of us here are in this thing alone.

Everyone, I read through the thread and it is really so mild. Pretty much everyone is saying they wish they had more patience, but have a hard time with it. I think any caregiver can understand this. I couldn't find anything that merited a moral correction. Maybe other people can find such a post here. I think we have a GOAT amongst us. So don't worry, be happy.

Thomashreid, I doubt many of us when we were younger knew we were going to be Caregivers in our middle age. I knew nothing about caregiving because my parents never took care of their own parents, and none of my friends parents did either. This was foreign territory for me.... it's like being put into a job where you have zero experience and no training.

My parents were professional people who always had their life planned out, and I assume they would have had the where for all to plan into their later years. So I didn't pay attention as they always took care of themselves.

For me, I thought when you became real elderly and couldn't care for yourself at home, that you moved into a place that would take really good care of you. Even now I am so surprised how many people have to take care of their parents either in their own home or in their parent(s) home.

Let's have some compassion for those of us who are having difficulty in doing caregiving.... not every can be a caregiver, just like not everyone can be brain surgeon, a teacher, a farmer, a police officer, etc.

Thomas, the biggest problem most people have is that you came in criticizing without even introducing yourself. We don't know what you're facing, and you don't know a thing about the people you and zen-ing. You probably don't realize that this is a site where people are free to vent what is going on in their lives, and that this helps relieve some of the tension of caregiving.

We get some trolls here who come in doing what you did and make their wall private, which you did. They tell us little of themselves, then talk to try to stir trouble. If that is what you are doing, you need a new course in life. If it's not, then start a thread to talk about taking care of your father. We know nothing about him or you.

ladeeM, seriously? Feel free to wallow in the 'we didn't ask to be born' swill that permeates this little thread. I pretty much dropped that approach in high school. I thought this was for adults. First I said, love them, and was shot down for being too 'Kung Fu'. If you aren't up to the responsibility, it's time to start writing checks. Sounds like that would solve most of your problems. And seems like what most of you would prefer if you had the cash. Idiots. I feel sorry for your parents. Apparently they didn't do a very good job raising responsible children now did they?

I hear you kathyt1. I'm up around 5am everyday and workout from 6am to 7am, before my Mom wakes up for the day.

I find getting up early and taking a walk followed by 20 minutes of meditation helps immensely.

Well thank you Thomas for being so patient and understanding of US.... pfttttttt!

This thread sounds like a bunch of self-centered middle-aged whiners... "YEAH, but bla, bla, bla." Bad relationships and poor planning cannot be cured on an Internet forum. No-one knew their parents were getting old? Suddenly it's a giant inconvenience that just when you thought you could be carefree you have to care for your only parents and it's too much for you to digest? Give me a break. What did you think was going to happen? This has been going on since the beginning of time. People who have no respect for the elderly are morally bankrupt. Look in the mirror and get serious about your responsibilities. They ARE your responsibility. Get over it. Change. Become better. Stop whinning. Figure it out. You have no choice but to be an adult.

I like your comment freqflyer. It is sad seeing our parent(s) this way. Remember, sons and daughters did not ask to be brought into this world, that is the parents choice. I do not recall while grade school saying to myself, hey I want to be a Caregiver when I grow up. Even though I feel I'm very good at it and it makes me feel good at times knowing I'm making difference I my Moms life, but there is no difference in my life just the same thing over and over.

I posted earlier but just wanted to add. Imagine being a Son trying to dress his Mother everyday, who has Parkinson's Disease with the movements. Patience ? ..... yeah right. I pray for it also.

Yes, out parents helped us when we were little, but were our parents in their 60's and 70's when we were young? No, they were decades younger with a lot of energy, and a lot more patience. Don't forget, children eventually learn to do things for themselves... that isn't the case with some aging parents who can finding they can do less and less for themselves.

It's sad seeing our parent(s) this way.... and as we were growing up and wanting to go out in the world, I doubt that our parent(s) were thinking "ah, some day I hope he/she becomes a Caregiver with no life of their own".

GayleV, what's your deal? Seems like you think it's your role on this forum to critique everyone else's advice. It isn't. People are giving their honest advice for what has worked for them. Can't you just leave it alone? No one likes the bully...

It wasn't until I stopped thinking why are THEY like that and shifted to why am I like this that I experienced an endless well of patience with my aged parents. They did it for me when I was little and helpless and they deserve that I find a way to make their end-days the smoothest they can be. I love them. Blaming them for their state helps no one. The answer to our problems lies within ourselves. Our world won't change until we do. No matter how hard you stomp your feet.

I cannot ever imagine my daughter doing what I am doing right now. She just does not have the caregiver personality and we would both be miserable so I must die before that happens - haha.

I've been through the same kinds of things. There is a person inside of me that I don't like very much, but I try to keep her out of the house. Feel sorry for the public! Actually, I am working on being a kinder person. Lately it is a little easier to show compassion because my mother has just been so sick and so afraid. I pray every day that I die before I reach a time in life where I have to go through what she's going through. When I compare it to what would happen if I'm ever subjected to living with my daughter, I think I'm an angel.

I think there are times when all of our patience is worn down. Today was one of those days for me. My mother really tried my patience today. One of the worst problems I have is she won't accept it when I say no. She keeps on and on until I either cave to get rid of her or leave. When I tell her no, it is with good cause, but she will launch into how mean I am and enumerate all my lifelong character flaws. And she won't put it down. If I'm in my room, she'll keep coming to the door.

I'm glad every day is not like today. I finally had to tell her to leave me alone this evening. I felt bad doing that, but also knew that I had been pushed to the point. Even the most docile pet will react if you poke it with a stick enough times. I didn't have an ounce of patience left in me.

Great post. I pray for patience every night when I go to bed and hear dear old Mums wandering about the house, checking the locks for the hundredth time. This is probably my most challenging problem besides the constant staring and following me about the house. Not really sure what the answer is. Some days I am pretty good with listening to the same old tired stories or the new spins she has on events that never happened. I too have given up correcting my Mom. Just a waste of breath-her reality is her reality even if no one else shares it. I wonder how many children had to sacrifice their own lives to take care of the 116 y/o? Quantity does not equal quality.

Gayle, Thomas's message kind of vexed me, too, until I saw it was the first post. I got this Kung Fu vision of the teacher saying, "Grasshopper, learn and accept that this is the final lesson your mother has to teach you."

Hello Thomashreid, I just can't get into your answer. I think you're way off the mark. The only way that my Dad's behavior can be a lesson in how to "be old", is that it is showing me how I NEVER, EVER want to behave ! All I see is that these old people are completely self centered, unreasonable PIAs. Love him for being a PIA ? who's needs and demands are overwhelming, and obliterating everything good in my life ? Not a chance. Appreciate his last days? OMG if only they were. My father has been making me insane for over fifteen years. When is it ever going to end ! The stress of this already gives me chest pains. There's no way I'll ever survive if he lives as long as Shala9's mom. And as I told my husband, just a few days ago, if I ever found out, I was going to turn out like my parents, and destroy my children's lives like this, I'd take every pill in my medicine chest, ensure that doesn't happen. I refuse to do this to my kids !

Learn and accept that this is the final lesson your mother has to teach you. Srsly. You know what it's like to have been young and to be midddle aged. SHE knows how to be those and be old, and beyond that, old-old. Appreciate what she's actually experienceing and you'll have no need for your elusive 'patience'. Appreciate that you're simply with her in her last days as she tells you the story for the fourth time this afternoon. Love her for who she is right now and be with her in the moment. Stop wishing she was differant. Once you change, your relationship will change. It's you. It's not her.

RAISIN2012 and all. Have you tried music? Find out their favorites and play them. If you don't like it get some headphones and let them listen. Music is a great soothing thing to do. Libraries carry old movies too. Only get funny ones or something calming.
Thanking all who comment and participate in this site. You help us all.

I hear you, I too have no patience with my father. I try to be nice, but it gets old hearing the same stories and the same complaints, especially when they do nothing to help with the complaints. My dad is supposed to stay well hydrated or he has episodes of syncope or his BP gets too low. He gets mad because I nag him to drink water. I have watermelon, every drink you can think of, flavor drops for the water, etc. I don't have a solution for the patience except come here to this site and vent. I go out every day for a few hours, which I know I am lucky to do, even if what I am doing is errands for my dad or the house. My family is sick of listening to me about it, so I am grateful to be able to talk here. Hang in there and know you're not alone!

I am wondering if our elders talk so much about pain is because they aren't doing anything else new in their life to talk about? Wished my parents would have moved into a 55+ retirement community.... all the new friends they could have made, all the different activities, plus indoor swimming and a gym, etc. OMG something brand new to talk about !!

New conversation with Dad.... Dad is now trying gluten-free products as he read that the wheat being grown now [yep, different from the wheat we had a few years ago] could be causing arthritic pain.... so he's trying the gluten-free stuff, and his aches and pains have lessen.... not sure if it is really the wheat or mind over matter, but if he feels better that is a huge plus. Less conversations about Aspercreme, pain pills, heat wraps, etc :)

I lost my patience many times also, but I can't help it and feel bad about it. I quickly say I'm sorry and it is what it is. I am the live in Caregiver for my Mom who has Parkinson's ( and a recent broken hip but that's another story on its own). My Mom did not ask for Parkinson's and I take pride in and like helping her. There are times (sure you all can relate) when it drains the life out of you.

I hear about my mom's pain 7 days a week/365 and several times in a day. She thinks no one's pain is as great as hers and never will be. I know she is suffering but I tell her talking about it all the time just makes it worse. I've gotten everything in the world to distract her but as soon as I sit down and talk with her for a minute, the distraction is gone and she starts complaining again. Mom is also a noise maker to let it be known she's in pain...moaning, whimpering. The house sounds haunted with all that carrying on but as soon as I leave the room it stops. I think she forget that she talks about her pain all the time because she says she doesn't do that.

I can relate. Every night I pray to God for more patience with my husband's dementia.I was doing fine this morning until he brought up for the 100th time that he needs to go the bank again about his money that they are keeping from him and that last time "that woman" went with him and didn't help. Of course I am "that woman" and find myself getting so angry with him and losing patience. I am trying very hard just to let things go without making comments but so far am failing but still trusting somehow I will learn to do it. Getting mad is bad for my health so I am not doing myself any favors. Also notice that lately he is making up stories and basically lying about things to other people which I assume may get worse :(

Hello, this patience deal is my greatest stumbling block. I know exactly how you all feel. From the moment I enter Mom's room I feel patience just slip away. I tell myself Mom didn't sign up for this either. She depends on me as I always did too growing up. I tell myself it's a season and one day I will have my life back. Previous to taking Mom into my home after a horrible UTI I had a job outside my home. Now I look back,and of course that was a cake walk compared to my current one. At times it seems everyone else can just carry on as I can feel my life is just frozen here. I have a pottery class I try hard not to miss once a week. Even if I'm pooped out I go anyway. Once I'm there all thoughts slip away. I have books I read in between. I found a book The Caregivers Compass that's a great one. On how to keep an emotional balance. Really that's a big one " our emotions" just gets the best of us. Bless all of you on this most difficult journey. Don't beat yourself up too bad on those down days. We are only human. I'm with you.

Daughter - Oh my God I remember all that guilt. I turned into a different person. Have you talked to her doctor about this. There might be something real about her pain. Mom was in pain a lot for a while and then she started telling me that she needed a x-ray on her back. they found arthritis in her back. PT gave her exercises to do in bed and no more pain. I agree with everyone else here. Do not hurt yourself. You have to take care of you. Contact your council on aging in your area and see if there are classes somewhere that can teach you how to handle your mom safer. Please take care of YOU!!!

OMG, living to be 116.... part of me says that is so awesome as all the inventions she got to see, items we all take for granted.... then another part of me is thinking, hopefully her oldest child [if she has any] isn't doing all the Caregiving because that child could be 96 years old !!