Unless your parent pimped you out as a kid. Sexually abused you. Chained you in a closet. With held food. Ect ECT ECT. Some of of you need to get a grip. The responsibility for an aging parent is horrific. Unpleasant. Inconvenient. If you can't do it personally, make arrangements. Yes, it is time consuming. But do it.

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The OP isn’t a narcissist. This post is a month old and was written during a very difficult time.

Maybe the OP is narcissistic. They have absolutely no capacity to have empathy and therefore are incapable of understanding what it is to walk in others' shoes.

Yes, several of us boomers already need help and like me will need help in the future. Plus my wife and I are on disability and she is 3 years older than me.

I prepared for my days, but my wife didn't. Her hopes are in the money she hopes to get from the trust fund that is still being set up over a year following her mother's death.

The downfall is that her mom let her finances and as her will states out of anger that her 2 daughters got married allowed things to be such that the total value is loosing 45%.

The money is being split between the two daughters with the other one getting more because she was there to help her mom. It is assumed that her mother was a millionaire, but how much

On the other hand, my pension and investments equal a very nice amount to live on for the next 30 years since I'm 62 and my dad lived to 93. I inherited some from my parents, but not all that much and really a drop in the bucket compared to what I already had. It's really not wise to not prepare for old age and depend on inheritance.

It's not just Boomers trying to care for aging parents. GenX and even Millennials are entering this arena in greater numbers. I personally am a GenX/Millennial cusp (I'm one or the other depending on which article you read). My father is the Boomer. I did my best to take care of him for nearly 5 years, but eventually have sent him to ALF on Medicaid. He didn't plan for his future, and often complained that I had too many kids because now in "his time of need" I was too busy for his liking. I'm trying to raise my GenZ of whom is leaving home in a year. My dad could live for a great many more years. I'm trying to live my life...plan for my future so that I don't burden my children so they can live theirs. I didn't have my kids so they could care for me in old age, I had children to be able to nurture and grow into great humans. I think *some* Boomer generation folks don't understand this difference.

Just to add, ironically I see many Boomers, those who've experienced sometimes severe abuse, sometimes not, who are stepping up to the plate to help out their parents. Neither of my parents cared for their own parents, despite both mothers needing a great deal of care, my paternal grandmother languished for decades without my father showing the least interest. She doted on him and adored him
as did his sister, she died broken hearted by his callousness.

My maternal grandmother likewise received almost no care from my mother. I've seen similar callousness towards caregiving from the "greatest" generation, while
quite a few "me generation" Boomers are working themselves ragged helping out
their parents at the expense of their own families and their own retirement.

Another irony, I often see that the scapegoats and black sheep of the family are
the most caring and loyal. Despite years of hardship and abuse from siblings and
parents, they are often the ones to step in and help when their parent is in greatest need.

I am so tired of these inaccurate toxic cliches, victim blaming and refusal to see
how many Boomers are acting selflessly despite great hardship. Those
Waltonesque good ole days were not as rosy as some would like to think.

Finally, it's high time to quit lumping good enough, or even well intentioned but
negligent or unintentionally hurtful or inept parents with those who willfully and
repeatedly abused their children with intent to harm. If I drive over your mailbox
accidentally once, or even twice "everyone makes mistakes" is a reasonable,
and generous, tact to take.

However, if I intentionally rent a bulldozer and raze your entire house to the ground
"everyone makes mistakes" would be a fairly delusional response on your part.
Intentionality and degree of harm absolutely must be a factor. Some mistakes
cannot be brushed off with the let bygones be bygones approach, without submitting oneself foolishly to continuing harm.

We must consider the world as it is, not as we wish it to be. And make our plans accordingly with everyone's best interests in mind, not just the well being of one
or a few.

My mother was never mean but she made mistakes like all mothers do. She was often naive, and sadly unaware of the ulterior and sometimes nefarious motives of others, including her own siblings. Sometimes I felt unprotected because of this and would have to spell things out for her because she didn't pick up on things quickly, particularly over the summer months when we shared a home with her siblings and their children. All parents make mistakes, none are perfect.

Emotional and verbal abuse can be devastating to young children and are quite a bit more common than the made for TV extremes you mention. Survivors of physical abuse often mention that the verbal/emotional abuse was worse to endure. Often "lesser" forms of abuse are used to either threaten or are precursor
to more extreme behavior. All of this has devastating effect.

When these types of abusive and/or chaotic people age, their behavior rarely changes and often, with the help of individuals that share your outlook, they coerce their barely or not at all recovered adult children to step in and deal with years,
often decades of irresponsibility and poor health, etc. This burden often comes packaged with continuing verbal, emotional abuse, manipulation and often sweet
as pie demeanor to onlookers who take a callous view to the now overwhelmed
and heart broken yet again, adult child.

And yes, I've met people who just "moved on" like you say. Without a large amount of support, they've either succumbed to addiction, including workaholism, codependent behaviors, mental illness and worse personality disorders, becoming abusers themselves. There might be exceptions to the rule, yes, but the rarity of
those coming out of this unscathed rather proves the rule, than discounts it.

It is the callous, "get over it", quite your whining attitude on part of some unaffected bystanders that ironically keep the victims of abuse stuck for years questioning themselves and exposing themselves needlessly to added years of mistreatment. Fastest way to heal and move on, ironically, is to recognize the toxicity for what it is, realize the harm it causes to body and soul, and to cut ties completely. Then and only then can you heal from the damage.

If you're not convinced that verbal abuse is toxic and capable of causing lasting
damage Segoline, I suggest you spend time around verbally abusive people for an extended period, say several months. Do for them and expect nothing in
return but contempt, rage, humiliation, and manipulation. Have your efforts discounted and criticized. Receive little to no praise and stand by and watch others who have done little to nothing be lavished with kindness and gratitude,
while you are chided and ridiculed. Work yourself into exhaustion attempting to keep up with their demands that brook no negotiation, after all they're sick and old and you're not, and then ask yourself at the end, how's your quality of life?

Now imagine yourself at the age of three in a similar situation and think about how'd you'd fare? Any tearful request for help or mercy met with ridicule both within and without the home. A tiny glimpse into the reality some people with personality disordered, mentally ill, addicted parents face. It's hard enough dealing with such people as an adult, it is devastating to deal with them as a child.

The lasting effects are very very real and resurface again when the abusive elder,
with their poorly planned retirements, etc, descend once again to feed upon and
dump upon their never loved, never cared for, thoroughly exploited adult children.

It is precisely your perspective that keeps this travesty enduring through the
generations. Abuse for the children, veneration for the adults. An entrenched
system of hierarchical bullying that favors those who have unfair advantage over
the young, the weak, the poor, and the loving. It breeds callousness, abuse,
and exploitation.

Your comment causes me to wonder what kind of childhood you had. I think this is called reaction formation.

Segoline, most people including myself found this forum by doing an online search for answers.
At some point in our lives we have found ourselves dealing with something most are not equipped to take on and that is care taking for an elderly parent or spouse. Since this is all new to many of us we are looking for answers of what is the best way to go about this monumental task assigned to us and possibly some support from others that are also facing (or have faced) the same issues.
I'm surpised that you can't seem to see the underlying anxiety/fear in many of the posts on here and that sometimes people just need to be able to vent.
Sometimes just sometimes during a venting session constructive suggestions come up and it's a Godsend for that person that is having a stressful time.

My take on this thread is that Segoline is one of those financially conservative people who don't believe in public benefits like Medicaid because they cost taxpayer money. The statement that "it ends up being more expensive for all of us" is a clue to that type of thinking. The theory is that each family should be a self-sufficient unit and not burden the members of other families with their needs or problems.

Personally, I don't agree with the idea of extending "personal" responsibility beyond the individual. I'm responsible for myself, and my family members, including parents, are responsible for themselves. I would also rather pay taxes to make sure all needy elderly get care than impose the responsibility on family members, who may or may not be able or willing to provide it.

My mother also was not eligible for public benefits (income a bit too high, health issues not quite dire enough) and ended up dying at home. And I did take care of her until the end. I wish I'd had the option of only taking care of her "at" the end and having the freedom to live my own life up until that point. But she did not plan well either, became increasingly disabled over a period of years, and needed help with everyday tasks like driving, shopping, meals, laundry, etc. And did not have money for paid help or assisted living. I don't think that's the ideal, and I wouldn't wish it on anybody else, let alone claim that it's their responsibility.

My mother treated us okay but not great when we were kids. I hesitate to add that because I really think it's beside the point.

I truly wish I could do a better job, or had money to hire help, but I'm the only one. Three of my friends have died since 2016, & my restaurant closed in 2017. There's not much to my life now, except what mother needs. It's like the perfect shitstorm. I was doing ok caring for her from 2013-2017, but I have my own medical issues now & am also very tired of having no friends & no job. It would be great to talk to someone cheerful, about something other than their bowel movements. Just sayin'. Thanks for reading this. M.

Mine wasn't. But I have heard the same thing from many different people. More importantly, what's with the rudeness that sometimes goes on here? People getting so angry and text yelling, and attacking?
I don't get it

Hey Segoline -
Once, when my father was pointing a gun at my mother - she grabbed me and held me in front of her as her “human shield”. Does that count?

Or do I just need to “get a grip”?

Even though your post doesn’t deserve a comment, I feel compelled to say my peace.
I grew up as the only child of 2 alcoholics. Mother was also narcissistic. They divorced when I was 5. Mom remarried 2 years later, dad had a live-in girlfriend. Both continued to drink.
I was not “pimped out”, sexually abused, chained to a closet or had food withheld. But I did have a lot of the ETC., ETC., ETC. That involved cleaning up puke, putting passed out parents to bed, lying to telephone callers, being demeaned, called a whore (at 10 yrs. old), told I’d wind up barefoot and pregnant, and more ETC., ETC., ETC.

I wound up taking care of both these “model” parents until they died. And, much to their surprise, I actually graduated from college (nurse), something that neither of them did.

You don’t have to have been severely mistreated to suffer mental anguish. I was not severely mistreated but my childhood was traumatic by some psychologists estimations. By the grace of God, I overcame my parents ignorance and even tended to them in their years of need.

Your call to “buck up” is ridiculous. Mental scars can be more devastating than physical scars. But, because some can not do physical caregiving, doesn’t mean they have failed. Each person can (and should only do) what they can tolerate.

Tolerance. I suggest you look up that word in the dictionary. It’s the modern way to get along, while respecting everyone’s rights.

Sometimes we simply feel invisible. No matter what any of us decide to do for our elderly parents, sometimes we just need to sound off. Sometimes I feel that life is slipping away from me because I am a care-giver. And, sometimes, I look at my mother and feel so blessed to have her around at all in my life. That is what this group is for, to sound off, to share with others who are going through what you are going through, to know that you are not forgotten. Sometimes, we just need someone to see us, to understand us, to not feel guilty when we are just tired or angry. We are here for each other, and if you aren't here for sharing and caring, then please leave this group.

Your welcome Myownlife. I just don't think anybody has the right to judge anybody! We all have been through one thing or another and we need to know we are not alone; we go through enough in a day the last thing we need is someone telling us what we should do or shouldn't do. I bet every one of us looks back in our lives or the decisions we have made wishing we did at least one thing different. No one has all the answers; we do the best we can with what we have.

I hope your day went or goes well! God bless you:)


Thank you! Everyone here needs help or validation or something, or else none of us would be here. I have received so much comfort from others' postings, most everyone... but then now and then there is someone who thinks we should just suck it up and take anything life passes our way .... and I'd be willing to bet that most who come here have been through a lot before seeking support. Anyway, it's mostly been a better day today.


I could not have said that any better than you. Way-to-go!

There is not a day goes by that I wish I would have moved out of my mother's home, but like you, who would have taken care of her or her house? Plus, I was afraid of my brother moving himself and his junky friends in and verbally, financially, and physically abusing my mother. My mother use to tell me "you can get out of my house when ever you like. I don't need your help!" Me, "Really, because you are not paying the taxes, can't keep up on the house, scared to be here at night (the house was broken into 2 times 8 yrs ago), & some much more, and you don't want to move." However, she has finally quit saying those things. I hope your mom comes to realize she should be thankful for your help and all that you do.


The way I see it? We're spending our time on this site because we have found ourselves in a 'situation' and each of us are just trying to deal with it in the best way we can. Seems to me it's like support, suggestions and some level of understanding, as we all have some kind of strive in this. Maybe what works for one person may not work for another. And that's ok. But it's nothing but helpful to hear how others are dealing with all of this. It's ok if what one person does would not work for us. We're all just trying to do the best we can to manage an uncontrollable situation.

Segoline, UNLESS you have walked in the shoes of each person here, HOW DARE YOU suggest it is "OUR" responsibility !!!!!!! IT WAS THE PARENTS' responsibility to be a good parent...... not to be so nasty all the time and continued into old age and expect the adult "CHILD" to take care of them. MINE just said AGAIN last night "IF I AM TOO MUCH TROUBLE, I'LL GO BACK TO MY HOME!" REALLY ????????? This is like the at least the 10th time every month for the last 2 years that she has lived with me. And just who is going to take you to the doctor, to the lab, get food for you, take care of your 2 dogs, pay bills, etc. etc. etc. !!!!! IFFF she wasn't 90+ and could do all of these things, believe me, I would have her packed and drop her off as soon as it was possible!!!!! SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT HERSELF !!!!!! I just am trying to provide for her until she one day naturally dies, but as with my father 15 yrs ago, she will probably not die until long after me. I am so sick of her complaining and threatening to run away.

HOW DARE YOU decide for each one of us what to do !!!!!!!!


WOW! It must be so awesome to have the solution to everyone's problem here on this forum.

Not everybody can be a hands on caregiver at the same point not everybody can put a LO in a AL or a NH. Everybodys situation is different.

Some people have small kids to take care of, so what are they to do? Sacrifice their lives, their kids lives to take care of a LO, and pray they don't lose their homes, their kids don't get screwed up in the process? For others, like myself there is no money for AL or the LO doesn't meet the criteria for a NH.

I am so sick and tired of people telling other people what 'They' should do or don't do in this matter.

We have a few people here telling others "put your LO in a NH," or "kick them out of your life," or like you, telling people "you should take care of your LO at home." Who are you to judge anybody here for their decisions on a situation that you know nothing about?

Don't even get me started with good parents vs bad parents bull crap, because again "No body has the right to judge anybody about the pain and/or abuse they went through."

You are all up in people's kool aid and don't even know the flavor!!!

You really shouldn't be on this forum. I read your posts, and you are always trying to stir up something or trying to make conversation and when you don't get whatever it is your looking for then you do this. It has become a pattern!

I see you!!

It is simply a matter of opinion that “boomers” want to outsource the responsibility.

as a matter of fact, it’s simply a matter of opinion that it’s their responsibility in the first place.

did it occur to anyone that times have change drastically? It’s not just about boomers and their aging parents. Many “boomers” are in need of care and financial help themselves and failed to plan for one reason or another. The fact is, many of them simply couldn’t afford to. Gone are the days where a mans income was enough to provide a comfortable life & women stayed home. No, today and for a very long time, it’s been necessary to have a double income in order to survive.

there are only 20 years between my husband and his father. Our children are under 12, as are my BIL and SILs children. My FIL is spending the rest of his life in a nursing home. Judge away, I really don’t give a damn. His children aren’t outsourcing their responsibility by any means. They EACH have young families and must work in order to keep a roof of their heads and food on the table. My FIL requires 24 hour care, he’s on oxygen, has a catheter and a chest tube and is bedbound. Can’t do a damn thing for himself anymore. His kids are not qualified to provide the care he needs. And people like you think his children should enslave themselves to him!!! Gimme a freakin break! For one of them to take him in, it would require leaving their job and sacrificing an income they can’t afford to lose. His piddly social security check (because he didn’t plan for old age) wouldn’t come close to making up for that loss of income. And to think, people out there really believe they are horrible and cast judgement on them for outsourcing their responsibility. Why does it even matter? Why doesn’t it matter to people, that these people are being well cared for by qualified people?

who are you, me or anyone else to decide what our responsibilities as children are anyway? No one gets to sit here and tell others how to live their lives and then judge them choosing to live differently.


So many of us "boomer kids" are families in which both spouses MUST work. We sometimes have adult children who are suffering in this "gig economy" and need economic help.

Some people here have NOT sweet parents, parents who are mentally ill or merely mean and manipulative.

When my mom became ill and frail, there was no one who was able to stay at home and care for her. Nor would that have been a good thing for her; she got better care, more socialization and oversight than she would have at home. Fortunately, she had the funds to pay privately, but if she had run out, yes, she would have become a Medicaid patient.

I'm starting to resent the fact that you think that you've cornered the market on righteousness. Some of us have spent YEARS arranging the care of numerous relatives, not just one parent. Even if one is not doing hands on care, the stress and worry is constant. You never really get over the "jump" when the phone rings. Or at least I haven't, after nearly two years.

We all try to be supportive of each other here.

Loopyloo, interesting your post given your screen name. I mean this in the most southern context: well bless your heart.

I have spoken with the state. Medicaid in case you want to,know. Biz director of MC facility. Hospice peeps. So many boomer kids want to outsource this responsibility. And here's the thing. By doing so, it ends up being more expensive for all of us.

Our mom is going to pass away before state aid is needed. Many are not. My post was emotional, most likely.

Just be aware. Should you outsource to a ' professional guardian' .... Once the money runs out, it does come back to you.

Make your choices wisely.

Um, that's setting the bar for 'care' pretty low.

If your parent didn't do all that to you, you had a good life? Um, no.

I'm a parent and did none of those things to my kids. Sadly, we get a really skewed vision of parents on this site. It's where we come to say the things that people with healthy relationships would pass out over----if I had only my daddy and no mother, I wouldn't be here, spilling my guts.

Yes, caregiving for the elderly ( esp grumpy, angry one) is awful. If you can't deal with it, better get some help. But not everyone can afford that and have to do the best they can with what they have.


I think it may have been the "would you do this again" thread that NeedHelp (?) just started.

Well said Barb!

Segoline, I'm not sure what is behind your post. Is one of your siblings being difficult or are you responding to something written on another thread?

Most folks on the board are either doing hands on care or arranging for help for their parents.

Often, the parent is resistant to having "help". Refuses to leave their hoarded up house. Gives money away to ne'er do well children. Insists that senior citizen child do the physical labor of maintaining the home.

In those situations, many of us advise the person who posts a question here to "stop propping up this false independence". A healthy parent/child relationship is one in which the adult child has become independent of the parents' financial support and can say yes or no to requests.

It’s ETC, as in the Latin ‘et cetera’.

Not ECT, as in Electro Convulsive Therapy. Which it kinda sounds like you might need.

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