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I left my life in California 5 yrs ago to return home to Oregon to be closer to her since she's not in good health.


She has an arthritic knee and diabetes and she's 75.....but an OLD 75. She chose to skip doctor's appointments so she could go "fishing" and to fly tying expos with her ex husband. She refused to stop smoking so she could have her knee surgery so now she sits in a wheelchair and refuses to walk. After her strokes, her husband tried to get her to stop smoking and she fought him every step of the way. He couldn't care for her anymore because his own health was bad and she did nothing for herself. We begged her to take care of herself or at least try and she refused. She'd sit in a pissy diaper all day and smoke. She refused to bathe, wouldn't take her pills and was a fall risk.


Every weekend I would make a 50 mile round trip to come and arrange her meds for the week because he couldn't do it and she wouldn't do it.


She is on her second facility now. The first one was "assisted living" and she made it very hard on the employees. Constantly b*tching about the food and the care. They would call me when she started acting out and I would have to come down there to deal with the problem. She got to where she would tell me lies about "abuse" and I would call the state, the ombudsman and anyone else I needed to call....all this after I found out she was lying to me just to get me all worked up. I told her it was "assisted living" not "we do everything for you living." She refused physical therapy and was generally uncooperative and pig headed. I do have a 48 year old brother but he's just like her...a martyr. He lost part of his leg due to his negligent actions with his diabetes and is pretty worthless. His dream is to have someone just take care of him. He's been "helpless" all his life tho. Always had Mom or Dad or some girlfriend to take care of him.


The anger and resentment I feel towards the both of them is staggering.


My father was eaten by his pigs in 2012 and I was the one who had to deal with his estate. My father abused me sexually and physically. My brother was too cracked out on drugs and wallowing in his own misery to help me and Mom had already had 2 strokes at this time. Mind you....I had to deal with the estate from a distance because I was still in California.


She's in this new place since November of 18 and she has deteriorated. She's always complaining about the food, the care and she puts on a show for me and me only. Aunts, uncles, my brother and her husband have come to see her and they don't understand why she's in hospice. She's talkative and is happy to see them. When I'm there, its another story...the helpless act, no eye contact, making sure she lets me know she's lost weight and she says to me, "I don't want to leave behind a fat corpse."


I tell you, I've done everything I can and this may be a terrible thing to say but there is no way I'm taking her to my house to care for her there...I know that's what she ultimately wants but it's not going to happen. I'd probably be dead before she died!


I needed to vent...bigtime. There's a lot more to this horror story I call life but not enough characters left.

Unfortunately that is so often the case. I am sorry that she doesn't have enough sense to not add insult to injury.

Thank you for your service. I live in a free country because people like you are willing to stand out front and do whatever it takes to ensure that we are safe. Thank you.

Yes, it is really difficult watching the slow decline and even more so when it could be dealt with in a way that would keep it from being so bad.

Glad to hear you have support to help you through this difficult journey.
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So thankful for all of the great encouragement. I am a disabled veteran and i am in counseling and that truly helps. At times, i feel like I'm alone in my situation but I'm glad to hear from others who are experiencing the same negativity as I am. Makes me feel not so alone even tho i do not wish this kind of heartache on anyone. Its so hard to watch a parent go downhill. I always thought she was the good guy and my Dad was the bad guy but since being home and hearing stories (some even from her) i have realized she was part of the abuse I endured.
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BB, one of the things that drove me to disgust with my dad was the same thing you are experiencing with your mom.

Barfing all the ugly lies on you and everything is hunky dory with everyone else. It is nothing but manipulation. This is her way of making sure you don't enjoy your life while she is living with the shambles she created.

When I would go visit I would stand out of site and watch, he was happy and having a good time, until he saw me. This allowed me to cut visits short when he stated any complaints, oh my look at the time, gotta go bye! Nothing stopped me heading for my truck. Maybe if he fell out of his wheelchair I would have slowed down and told a nurse, I was pretty used up by all the games and I didn't have much sympathy for him. He had cried wolf one time to many.

I hope you are able to create boundaries and enforce them, you will feel better.
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Thank you all for your encouraging words! Its so good to chat with people who understand where I'm coming from.
God Bless ♡
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My father had paranoid personality disorder (PPD)and although he tried to be a good father and was never deliberately abusive in any way, he still hurt me emotionally on several occasions during my childhood. My mother did her best to shield and minimize the impact but I remember her explaining that my father didn't have a "normal" childhood and didn't have the right view point on some things. As an adult I came to realize Dad had PPD and intellectually understood how he had his own problems and had no intention of hurting me. But that didn't really emotionally help with the pain and anger. I didn't feel I could "confront" Dad about it either; he couldn't help what he did then and he probably couldn't understand the impact and make amends. Shortly afterwards, he was diagnosised with vascular dementia and PPD. I felt the door to talking with him was forever closed.

I know your situation is entirely different. Both your parents have chosen to deliberately hurt you and your wounds are so much worse than mine. But what is the same is you didn't deserve those wounds and confronting the people who hurt you is impossible or unlikely to give you any peace. You need to forgive them, not because they deserve forgiveness but because YOU deserve the peace that forgiveness can provide you. Before forgiveness you need to acknowledge all the unfair, undeserving ways your parents have hurt you. I wrote letters that were never mailed. I set Dad's picture in a chair and yelled at the photo. Maybe that could work for you. Maybe you find some other way to release your pain and anger. Forgive them. Walk away from that anger. Walk away from your mother. Her behaviors will not emotionally damage facility care givers the way they do you. Don't let the past be a primary driving force in your future.
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Crikey.

Um. It does sound as if you have quite a lot to feel angry and resentful about. And given that your mother is content with the decisions that she is making for herself, and she is in safe hands... Time to concentrate on you?

How have things worked out for you in Oregon, setting aside the caregiving commitments? Are you waiting to get back to your "real life" or have you successfully transplanted it?
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Why don't you do the total vent to us? It might do you good! You need to get well out of the horror story of your earlier life, and sometimes unloading is the way to go. Look after yourself, please.
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She is a home, she is taken care of. You are OUT.. that is how it needs to be. Just say no.. and mean it. It dosent sound like they are kicking her out.. so kick yourself out and get some distance..
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I had to read your post several times to get it.

Your father died a 'justice' death.

Your mother deserves nothing from you. Nothing. Mine allowed abuse to me by an older brother and turned a blind eye. When he died, she said "Well, I hope you're happy NOW".

No mom, it doesn't work that way.

Your mother has chosen her life. Young as she is, doesn't matter. I would cut all ties and live my life. Nobody would fault you for that.
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Blackbenz, do you even get how beautiful your dads demise was/is. Any male that would hurt his daughter deserves the same fate, poetic justice.

You are completely justified in saying no to your mom moving in on your life.

I, personally, would stop visiting. No one deserves to have their mind and heart screwed with and that is what she is doing. You can walk away and have nothing to feel guilty about.

It is good she is losing weight it makes her diabetes easier to manage. I would point that out to her.

You can not care more about her than she cares for herself, it is a losing endeavor. It will bite you every time. She is faced with the consequences of her choices, since her choices were awful so are the consequences.

Time for you to follow your dreams and happiness, she is being cared for and is safe. Give her the ombudsman's phone number and tell her that is who can help her sort out her problems with the facility, so call them when she has a problem.

Hugs! You matter and so does your life. Go have a happy one.
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It sounds like you have good reason to be so upset. It's not right that you were mistreated. It's difficult to imagine what you endured. Is there some way you can limit the time you have with your mother? Do you think that would help? I might consider a counselor. Sometimes, it helps to get tips on coping skills. In person support groups are good, as well as the support we can get online with sites this one. I hope it helps.
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Yes, I hope that you WILL NOT take her into your home. It is time to live your own life now and make it as quality as you are able. The problem with these people is the manner in which they pull family in to them, the children living as martyrs hoping for that one moment that is movie-like, flooded with light and the parent saying "I understand now how much you have done for me, and I love you so very much". Guess what? That isn't going to happen. I am sure there is a lot more to the horror movie. It isn't going to end with a Lifetime love story. Move on now to your own life and leave them to the life they have made for themselves. You have known from childhood that there was nothing here for you. Please get help so you can live the remainder of your life with some joy. I am so sorry for all you have gone through, and are going through. Please get some help, and make moves for yourself.
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