I take her to doctors, take care of all her bills, set up a bank account where I deposit money for her.... everything. But she has no boundaries. According to her, there shouldn’t be any “privacy” in a loving close family. It is cultural - she is Eastern European and moved here in 2010.

The other day she shows up (without a call or text of course). I opened the door and told her that I had people over and made it clear that now wasn’t a good time. She pushed her way past me, went to the kitchen to got what she needed and then stormed out. So since Monday she is upset and calls me ungrateful and that I “didn’t let my mother into my house and tried to turn her away”, and that she isn’t welcome in her own daughter’s house any more.

She is rude to my husband by not returning his “hi” and tells my daughter that she was so much better to her parents than I am to her. When I went and tried to talk to her, she told me that “talking things through” is an American concept that doesn’t work and how would it possibly work when her own daughter is rejecting her.

I guess i am I am just venting because I have no idea if I can do anything. But if anyone has an advice, please let me know.

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Hi! Thank you for the response. To answer your questions - she wanted a bottle of water from the kitchen. And yes, it is typical of her. She collects hurts and perceived offenses in her head and then explodes and threatens to go back and never talk to anyone again. She is Russian. While yelling at me she brought up an event when she asked me to call her former rental office in the building she lived in. I was busy so asked her if she could just stop by there herself - it is on the first floor of the building where she lived at the time! So she has been keeping this in her head for 7 years and brought it up on Monday and one of examples of why I am a horrible daughter.

Well. She's got a proper bee in her bonnet, hasn't she.

What sort of bee, though..?

It could be that something you don't know about had already upset her, and the barging into the kitchen incident happened when she wanted help and sympathy, and now she's transferred her upsetness about the original problem onto you and is angry with you, and with husband, in a guilt by association kind of way. What did she want from the kitchen, just out of interest?

Or it could be, that this is out of proportion altogether and there is something really wrong.

Key question: is this normal for her, or getting noticeably worse? Any known health problems?

What sort of Eastern European, if you don't mind my asking? There's quite a range!

Thank you so much for your responses. She met few older ladies like her but every time they suggest going anywhere or doing anything she says no. She puts on this victim persona on and tells me how she had a hard life and now is too tired and warn out to do anything. And how all she wants is just be near us. I keep telling her that social life is important but she just says “I am going to die soon anyway...”. BTW, she is 75 and super healthy.

And in terms of what’s normal in the “old country”... yes, parents meddle. But parents also support their kids until they are adult and married. I came here by myself as a teenager and build my entire life from scratch. I brought her here and started supporting. So maybe if your parents support you financially and you live in THEIR home, they get to meddle. But our situation is so different.

I like what Alva said but I have a few questions.

She has been here 9 years. In that time has she made friends? Go to her place of worship? Is your family "it" for her socialization?

You realize that this is going to get harder as Mom ages. Your life will not be your own. So you need to set Boundries now. Your Mom was rude. She should have called first to see if it was OK to "stop in". Child or not.
Respect goes both ways. Tell her she is a "part" of your life and on the whole u don't mind sharing it with her. But there are "parts" of it that are just for you.

The cultural thing is a big problem. Is this something all parents would do in her country, or is this jusy a "Mom" thing. We do have Moms born and raised in the US that are like this.

Early in my marriage, my MIL (She was English so not sure if this is n English thing) would stop in early in the morning. I am not a morning person. This one time it was a Sunday. I was getting my small daughter ready for my Mom to pick her up for Sunday school. I waited till the morning to give her a bath. A knock on my door, my MIL. I told her I couldn't visit because I was getting R ready for SS. "Can I help" she asked. I said no thanks. And I went a head doing what I was doing. She ended up leaving. Later she told me that she had gone to a friends just before (people she got to my house about nine) and the friend had told her she was busy. Aft my house she went home crying. I apologized, but told her that mornings are not good for me or her son, who worked till 1am. Just not a good time to visit. It was always a tug of war with this woman. She was passive-aggressive. I would say no thank you and she would go ahead and do what she wanted, then get mad when I didn't appreciate it. TG she moved to FLA. I am in NJ.

I would simply play her game. Tell her that you are so sorry that you are not up to being as "good" and as "adequate" as she was to her own parents. Tell her that you are so sorry that you are limited in your abilities, but that it is a fact. Tell her that you will do the best you can for her, but, given your inadequacies you will not be able to do things to her satisfaction, and you understand and accept that. Tell her that the two of you are different. That you must have boundaries for the people in your life, and that you will be setting these boundaries NOW. Then SET THEM. Tell her you are sorry, and you are certain she thinks you are a meanie, but that this is the way it is. If you need help there are many good books on boundaries, and just looking up the word on will get you some ideas. You may need the help of a few visits to a psychologist to get ideas on how to set boundaries. Above all, remember, it is not an argument and it is not a negotiation. It is you ADMITTING you are not what she needs you to be and it is you SETTING BOUNDARIES on her visitations into your life. You might want to start out with "I love you very much, BUT....................." As we all know, it is what comes after the "but" that is the kick in the fanny. You are correct that much plays into this from culture to expectations, but there are some very narcissistic manipulations going on her as well. I don't say they are intention. I only say they are here.

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