My 73 year old mother died suddenly of an asthma attack 2 months ago. She'd been stricken with prednisone-dependent asthma for more than a decade, so while her death was a shock, she had not been in great health for a long time. The day she died my new husband (married only 4 months, dating about 2 years) and I flew up to be with my 72yo father at their home out of state. We all spent a month together grieving and my husband was very supportive, emotionally available and helpful. Since then, we brought my father back to stay with us "as long as he needs". The tricky thing is this: my husband and I moved into my parents' old home last August because they were no longer able to manage it and to help facilitate their move out of state, thus cementing their retirement years. (They'd only been living in their retirement home for a few months when my mom passed away. ) My husband and I took over the mortgage and have been trying desperately to get settled-in, redecorate, take care of deferred maintenance and make the place some semblance of "home" for us. Complicating that, my parents came to stay with us for the holidays last year and ended up staying 6 months due to Covid. My husband and I have barely had 3 months to ourselves in this house over the last year. In retrospect I was glad to have all that time with my now-passed mother but even then tensions between my father and husband (then fiance) were growing. My mom was always the emotional cement of our little family and I just feel like we're crumbling now...
I am an only child (35 yo) and there's no one else in the family to help us right now, especially during Covid. I'm terrified to leave my father alone at his home out of state, or even to ask him to leave. Though he is capable of taking care of himself more or less, I'm worried about his mental health-- he suffers from depression and alcohol addiction, which have been an issue long before my mother passed away.
The trouble and tension has been mounting over the last several weeks with my father trying to keep busy by "helping us" with projects around the house. He is not in great physical shape and almost always moans and complains about the pain he's in doing these various projects-- he doesn't seem to enjoy the satisfaction of a job well done, he only lives for the praise he'll receive from completing the task. A little like someone acting hurt when another doesn't notice their new haircut, my dad will do some little repair and then act devastated that no one has noticed.
I know that my dad is going through a horrific grieving period right now and I'm trying to be as sympathetic as possible. But my husband and I are also under incredible (Covid-related) stress. We are both out-of-work restaurant professionals and have been stuck at home living on savings and unemployment during the shutdown.
My husband is incredibly frustrated with his own personal situation (he is an acclaimed chef who was in the process of opening a restaurant when the shut down happened), and being stuck at home for 7 months with little to occupy us professionally is just crushing. He is SO irritable around my father and ANYTHING my dad tries to do is met with disdain and near disgust from my husband.
I'm just so stressed I feel like I'm being torn limb from limb... sometimes I worry our new marriage was a mistake, I worry that the strain of caring for my father (either at a distance or in person) will be too much for me, and I'm heartbroken at the loss of my mom.
Not sure what I'm asking here exactly... just hoping for some inkling of a silver lining. My mom was always the positive, tough, get-it-done personality and she was always able to mediate between my difficult father. Now I'm just in survival mode, barely making from one day to the next...