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After a year and a half with my mom living with me and her negativity, judgment and constant morning when she was in such a beautiful home with her own space, bedroom, bathroom, living room, TV everything use of our whole downstairs I finally got tired of the backstabbing to my brother St. you can’t take it here and called her bluff. My mom is still very pretty and she knows it however she think she’s better than everyone because of that. My problem is I’ve moved into a very nice facility she has her own one bedroom apartment with a balcony and a small kitchen and it’s very safe for her but she says that she can’t relate to anyone there because they use walkers and are all old so she really won’t eat there or do anything else so it’s costing me double just to get food delivered to her every few days and very frustrating when she complained about being in prison when she won’t attempt to do one thing at the facility. I feel bad so of course I keep ordering Instacart and making sure she has everything she needs. Guilt is my mom’s first name and it has become a huge factor in my life it always has been but of course now it’s stupid. In the year and a half my mom live with me because she was in competition with me she refused to except her limitations and broke her pelvic, her hip, and her femur. She has recovered from all of them and of course the doctor wants her using a walker but she won’t, that part doesn’t bother me if that’s how she wants to be but it bothers me that she so judge mental and not making any attempts really at the living facility. In the year and a half my mom live with me because she was in competition with me she refused to except her limitations and broke her pelvic, her hip, and her femur. She has recovered from all of them and of course the doctor wants her using a walker but she won’t, that part doesn’t bother me if that’s how she watch to be but it bothers me that she so judge mental and not making any attempts really at the living facility It’s really not like she’s had tons of friends in her lifetime she was married to my dad for 41 years and then married to my stepdad for 31 years. What charges every time I talk to her all she does is complain about where she lives and how there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go it’s really not like she’s had tons of friends in her lifetime she was married to my dad for 41 years and then married to my stepdad for 31 years. What charges every time I talk to her all she does is complain about where she lives and how there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go. I know my mom is safer there and I have a pretty big life with a husband who just had a 4 fusion next surgery two weeks ago had major back surgery in March, and I have seven grandchildren and three daughters that I’m very close with it all need me. I know my mom is safer there and I have a pretty big life with a husband who just had a for fusion next surgery two weeks ago had major back surgery in March, and I have seven grandchildren and three daughters that I’m very close with it all need me. Actually I need them and they are very accommodating we see each other all the time. My one brother calls and occasionally seizure and that’s fine he’s doing the best he can his wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My twin brother who would’ve been very attentive died last June of a stroke and I have heart disease as well. I’m not sure if this is a question or just telling who’s ever reading this what’s going on but when I try to explain to my mom that she can get on a bus and go shopping or find activities there or go downstairs and at least have a sandwich and fruit it hurts my heart because it’s just the same old thing . I also know she probably has some sort of major stomach issues and will find out about that in a week or two.

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Boundaries are what you need. Decide what you want to do then tell Mom the plan.
Food seems to be a big weapon this manipulative lady is holding over your head. Stop haveing her food delivered. Does she have access to things like a vending machine? Can meals be delivered to her room. Are there snacks and beverages available in a common area that she may be filling up on?

Cut your visits down may be come for an hour once or twice a week.

Perhaps once a week or so bring in dinner for the two of you and eat together in her room as a treat or take her out for a meal. She can choose what she would like.
Does she actually eat all the food you end in or is it thrown away?
It is a good idea to have her checked out for swallowing difficulties.

I can totally relate to not wanting to eat in a communal dinning room, it can be very depressing watching other old people eat.

Remember she is only one of a big family that needs and deserves your attention so don't let her monopolize you. My SIL saved some time every evening to call and check on vulnerable family members but kept the calls short. That is a nice thing for loved ones to look forward to but cut off the complaints and just tell her cheerful news even if she is not interest that great grand baby had taken his first steps. Follow up with a photograph next time you visit. Send cards for every concievable occasion just with a short message. I am thinking St Patrics Day, Valentines Day, fourth of July all those kinds of things and maybe in between a pretty blank card with some thing like. "You are my beautiful grandma I am so lucky to have you" Little gifts like a bar of chocolate gift wrapped along with the toothpaste she asked for also gift wrapped. Make a game of which one to open first. Tell her one is something she needs and the other something she will enjoy.
Boundaries and distraction are the names of the game.
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It's great that you got her out of your house. Someone else wrote a while ago that their mother had just moved, and they were visiting her for three hours, six days a week, as well as phoning several times a day, in order to 'help her adjust'. I'm sure you can see that it wasn't helping at all! You need to let her cope on her own for a while. It would be a kindness to go with her to take part in some of the activities, as Jeanne suggested, but if she won't go, she may just have to stay and be pretty all by herself! It's time she realises that she is getting old, just like the other residents. And at 62, you need to use your years well, because you are also getting old yourself, just like the rest of us on this site. Good luck in managing to be different.
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I sure did ramble!!! But the comments are great. What’s worse I am 62 not 47. Geez. I am making huge steps. I have her out of my house in a place I’m proud to have others visit.
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Your mother is 90. You have to be what ... at least 45? It is way past time for you to stop seeking your mother's approval. She is vain. She is judgmental. She is demanding. She expects you to do her bidding.

So what?

There is nothing she can do to force your actions and behavior. You are an adult and can decide for yourself what you are willing to do.

I would not be willing to buy her food other than the what is already covered in the facility cost. She can eat that or not. Not my problem. But that would be MY decision. If your decision is to keep paying for the extra food, then accept that decision and stop letting it bother you. Or make another decision.

Your mother is bored and can't find anything to do? My decision would be to join her in facility activities once in a while, like go to live entertainment with her when it is offered, to help her realize what is available. And I would eat with her in the dining room occasionally and play on her vanity. "Mom, wear your nice yellow sweater when we go down to dinner. I want to show off my pretty mama!" What do you decide to do about her boredom? Whatever you do, it is YOUR decision.

Mom is negative. That is probably nothing new, huh? Either let it roll off your back, or get up and leave/hang up when she starts it up. "Mom, it seems you are a little upset right now. I'll come back on Thursday/call you tomorrow, and maybe we can have a more pleasant visit." That would be my decision about how to handle the negativity.

I would also decide to get some counseling to help me deal with the unearned guilt. If you've lived with it a lifetime, it might take a lot of support to let it go. You deserve whatever support it takes.

Your husband, your children, your grandchildren all deserve a good relationship with you. Decide whether it is worth spending more time on those relationships and less time on your mother. If it is, then do it!
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You do not have to order her food because she won't eat what's available. Your post is so long it's hard to focus. I understand your stress but you have to stop letting her call all the shots. Eventually she will get hungry or worsen and then have to go to a nursing home which may be better since she is so very difficult or you can simply state to her that will be the case but stop providing her with food on your dime.
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