Follow
Share

Her health is declining; she's had glaucoma and lost sight in one eye. She suffers from breathing problems, poor circulation, and dizziness. She won't see a doctor. I managed to convince her to deal with dental problems (she had ten teeth, all in bad condition) but she insisted on going to a cut-rate place and we are still trying to get her lower denture to fit correctly. She shouldn't live alone, but my house is very small and her house is much too far away for me to live with her and keep my job. I also don't want to move away from my kids and grandkids. Her place is paid off and we are considering pulling some equity out of it to buy a bigger place here then selling her place. I can't sell mine because I'm upsidedown in the mortgage. I'm at my wit's end and would like advice on any or all of this. My mom is also a difficult person - to the point that my brother and sister have nothing to do with her.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Thank you, Sir. Grace. Thank you for adding that. God bless you, brother! Praying you and your family have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
(0)
Report

Yes, SecretSister, I forgive you.

Grace and Peace.
(0)
Report

I wish to apologize, and did not wish to debate, but encourage, as there are people in my family dealing with mental illness, too. The cause? I don't know. I didn't mean to make faith a stumblingblock for you or anyone else. Will you forgive me for that?

Great peace have they which love thy law: and nothing shall offend them. Psalms 119:165.

Praying for that peace that passes all understanding. Thank you.
(0)
Report

Please don't take my analogies and parallelisms so concretely. Yes, all healing comes from God, Much of God's healing comes to us and to our loved ones through various means like eye doctors, dentists, etc. There are many fine Christians of the church triumphant like Martin Luther and Charles Spugeon who were both great men of faith and yet greatly distressed with deep depression along with many in the church militant who struggle as well. God uses counseling and medicines to treat biological brain disorders, just as he provides people with medical insights to treat other physical problems, but all healing comes from God for a doctor does not really heal anyone. I'd really rather not get into a debate over faith and mental illness on this thread, but will discuss it with anyone on my wall. I just ask that we not make us who deal with a mental illness daily that somehow we have no faith and thus are somehow outside of the faith for seeking medical treatment and help for our problems which drives many away from the church door and thus overlooked and made to feel forgotten.
(0)
Report

Okie dokie, let's all do the hokie pokie. Tapping our heels together now.

The more we look inward, the sicker we become, don't you think?

The more we criticize others, (and self) the more angry and frustrated we become.

Freedom comes from faith, and healing comes from God alone. We can't make ourselves well. Without God, we're all lost and on our way to hell. Some of us live there already. Jesus said, I am the way, the truth and the life. No man cometh to the Father but by me. And, Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. What Psychiatrist or medication can equal that???

Look up, repent, and believe, for your redemption draweth nigh.
(0)
Report

In a bit calmer mode now, I will comment more broadly about gaining emotional freedom from control freaks. Often, we act out our desire for freedom, but in reality all we have done is just cut off that part of our emotional life. Thus, years later and even miles away, what we have cut off comes up from the rear and bites us in the behind and all the progress we thought we gained is suddenly gone. Instead of cutting off, we can with the help of a therapist untangle what we cut ourselves off from really dealing with. Then we can be either near or far, but the control freak's mental tanticals are not exploding land mines in our heads; people find us living more fully present with them as well as more naturally; along with being more spontaneous to really respond to life instead of react to those who push our buttons.

Short version. The goal of adult emotional maturity is not so much to ice out people who push out buttons but to build boundaries in our lives so that we are free to be in touch with our own emotions and ideas with the freedom to say them as well as being in touch with others, but not absorbed into their feelings and ideas.
(0)
Report

Azamma,

Your story sounds like you've lived in the land of Oz for way too long and it's time for you and Toto to go back home. The thing of it is that like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you have had to power to leave the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, and guilt) of your control freak for your whole life, however, they did not want to see that you were in fact stronger than them for actually they are so unadmittedly dependent on you. The abuser, the control freak, the mommy-dearest never wants you to recognize your own strength and really see how weak they truly are. Sad to say this is something that a close relative never saw, but I got blamed for having a bad influence on him when he would refuse to walk on eggshells. I took that criticism as a complement.

I've had plenty of times of feeling stupid myself. However, if you read my poem on path through tragic pain, you'll read that such what ifs just don't get us anywhere positive.

When I went on disability 7 years ago, I was told my therapists and others that I'd been just too good, worn my pastor hat too tight, and apparently was trying to reach sainthood with such self-denial as a pastor. I often have felt like an idiot because some important things I'd learned in class totally left my brain and much later on I wish it had stuck.

I do think that we all are too difficult on ourselves by thinking we are an idiot for not handling something better than we are. Well, I think we need to let ourselves off of our own hooks for how can you be guilty or really be an idiot in a situation in which you didn't have the tools or knowledge to deal with or were very inexperienced in their use. This is so true in life in general and in the specifics which draw us hear to both learn and support each others.

Azamma, No guess it's time. Now, today is the time to in a sense "KA" tell the little fearful, obligated goody, goody cub inside you she'll be safe because you have discovered your adult voice and are ready to roar! You no longer will need to comfort your inner self by being the obligated "good one." You must do this for yourself, for your grown children and for their children. The danger is loosing contact with them because their parents get fed up your mom controlling their grandmother and thus, another group of family members going into another journey through OZ. Who can stop this?

I can't believe how raw and rare some of my statements are. Quite blunt indeed, but not quite as cutting as a few statements from Paul's Epistle to the Galatians which is the only one which is so brash. However, when I read or learn of someone's story who has been abused and living in some sort of bondage like the legalistic mess Paul rebukes in Galatians, I can get a bit more like a RamboCrowe in feeling angry for them.

BTW, for more about getting come from Oz, I suggest, Tinman, Ozzie. One Way Ticket to Kansas as well as Brown, Nina W. Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publishers, Inc., 2001.
(1)
Report

AllAboutFamily, that was an absolutely fabulous post!!! Thank you for your words of wisdom. I cannot begin to tell you how they have touched my heart, and resonated to the depth of my being. And got me thinking...

Will comment more about that at another time. The most important thing I caught from your post was this (especially when they don't like it, or don't understand): "...that it would be negligence on your part not to watch out for her." Thank you for the grace in that comment.

Mom has beat me up for "being bossy," when in fact, I was looking out for her best interests. I was told to set boundaries where she could not. And it doesn't make mamma happy.

Love your fresh attitude, and wish I could "catch" it from you. Praying I'm not immune. Thanks! :) You are someone who truly found joy in the journey. Happy Thanksgiving.
(0)
Report

Dear azamma, so glad you have found a safe place to vent. I do not think you are an idiot, but understand why you would say that and feel that way. Look at the insanity you have been raised with, then dove back into. Your children are correct in their assessment, and so is Crowemagnum. I can say this, because I am doing the same thing, but plan to change that forthwith!

Maybe I am a lot like you, because I thrice escaped, then dove back in myself. Perhaps it's time to cut my losses, and move on to higher ground again. There is much freedom in walking away. My situation seemed better with distance. But, the emotional ties are strong. Caring for a person with mental illness and cognitive decline, who clearly does NOT want my help verges on insanity, if I don't heed the request to "honour" my mother's wishes. Knowing she does not have the mental capacity to know what's best for herself has kept me in bondage to try to "help" her. But it's not helping me. So...

How about you? What is in your best interest? Do you continue to sacrifice yourself for her? Your choice. It's up to you. Our parent's needs can be met in a variety of ways, and don't necessarily depend totally on us. (We can only do so much anyway, and receiving help from others is often an advantage.) Think about your own life as being just as important as your mother's is to her. Who gets the care they need? Her's can be provided for by others, correct? Can yours?

I'm speaking to myself, as well.
(0)
Report

Crowemagnum, may you always be blessed because you have touched me also with your words, I can almost feel your compassion and honesty, two things that make the world go 'round in my opinion! My mother lived with me and my family for over 8 years until she passed away, and my primary recommendation in this discussion is that if you want your parent to live with you, then invite them to try it for three months. My mom moved in for three months, then went back for about four months, then moved in for another three months and went back for about five months, ... finally one early morning she called and said, I need you again. I said, okay, we'll come move you back, but if you come, this time it is permanent and you and I will be buddies, but I have to do what it is necessary to keep you safe. She moved in, and the first couple of years she'd tell her "girlfriends" on the phone I basically kidnapped her, but then, with my listening and agreeing with her when she wanted to complain, she began to find peace and happiness! I let her do, say, eat, whatever she could do, say, eat, etc. because a geriatrician said that the aging are so depressed because they feel they are nothing and nobody and have no reason for being on this earth anymore. This wise geriatrician said remember, your mother has free will and is not impaired neurologically, so simply remain quiet, calm and just don't argue/disagree with her because that only makes their depression worse, they feel no one understands their feelings ... and in turn, tell her stories or talk about things that are not controversial or that will upset her. It was not always easy but I have a wonderful spouse who actually charmed my mother and in the end, she lived the last seven years of her life quite happily with us. But taking on this role is not for everyone. You have got to want to do it, you have to be healthy yourself (emotionally,physically, mentally, spiritually) and you have to be able to do what is necessary to make your mother safe and protect her and surround her with things she knows and loves from her own house. I spent years trying to make mymother happy (before she moved in with us) and one day I said, I am just going to be myself and she said near the end of her days that she always felt safe with me and that she drew on my strength and optimism. So, it doesn't matter if you have a big house or small house, if you want your mom with you, because it is the only way you can look out for her, then do it ... but every single day, get up before the rest of the house, keep a journal, enjoy alone time, and never ever forget your own dreams and goals .... if you have interests and hobbies, now more than ever, keep them up, you have to! Your mom can watch you doing them and share in them, and if she resents the time you spend not focusing on her, then just smile and say, Mom, it's because I do these fun things for me that allows me to be able to be your buddy and be strong for you! One just has to have what my own family called "The Attitude" .... the attitude that this is no big deal, Mom needs to be with me, and who knows what tomorrow will bring, but for now, she's here with me, and all is well. Best to all of you caregivers out there .... I know how hard it is and have driven to many a doctor appointment and had many a difficult/trying moment ... but now that she is gone, I would give anything to hear her call my name one more time and I would do it all over again ... so I say, be optimistic, be a good listener, ignore the crankiness and focus on the fact that you are honoring your parent and doing what you want to do! And siblings (I have a lot of siblings) should be treated respectfully but from a distance if they have issues with anything you do as it relates to caring for the parent ... keep music on, keep funny sitcoms on the television, read books outloud, .... one day the parent will no longer be around, and you will have be at peace for all you did ... (it's like having a baby, you don't remember any of the pain, only the joys)..lastly, you do need legal guidance unfortunately today more than ever ... durable power of attorney, medical power of attorney, living will, etc. As someone above wrote, just be yourself, be honest with your mom, and quietly tell her that it would be negligence on your part not to watch out for her. I learned alot, but mostly I learned that my mom wanted me to stay calm, objective, compassionate and understanding, and not take her moods personally .... once I learned that, it was a lot easier .... so do what you feel is right and you'll know what direction to go in! I made a lot of mistakes, but I tell all of you, nothing gave me greater joy (or greater stress :) ...) than those years when my mom was a member of my family! Happy Thanksgiving to all!
(1)
Report

Yep, I'm the "good child". I'm the youngest of three. My sister was always rebellious, dropped out of high school, got married to a loser, and so on. My brother joined the Army soon after he turned 18 to get away (against mom's wishes). When he came home, he moved back in with us (my father had left by then) and it was not a happy situation. He was no longer under mom's control.

She remarried when I was almost fourteen. He was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who would have been sexually abusive toward me had I allowed it. I essentially left home when I was almost fifteen and married shortly after turning fifteen. Unfortunately, the person I married was my much older step-brother (yes, it's legal to marry a step-sibling). He was raised to be the "good child" too. So, we were quite a pair, two people who were raised to do the bidding of control freak parents!

I have a much too developed sense of family responsibility I suppose. My children point it out to me on a regular basis. All I can do is agree with them. They are all sane, normal adults thank goodness. I attribute that to the fact that after I divorced their dad after fourteen years of marriage, I moved us far away from the insanity created by their grandparents. After my step-dad died in 1997, I felt obligated to move back to look after mom (big, big mistake!!). I didn't want to stay where I was (the job prospects were terrible), but I should not have moved back here. Now everyone is established in this area and I won't move away from my children and grandchildren. My children and I get along very well, but I am getting tired of having my mom be a sticking point in having them come around.

I guess it's time to stop being the good child and be the adult who is available to help her but not be used as a doormat and controlled by guilt. She is very fond of pointing out anything and everything she has ever done for anyone and complaining that she just doesn't understand how they can be so ungrateful and that it seems it doesn't matter to them how much she has done for them. Personally, I don't feel that anyone owes me anything when I do things for them. I do things for my family because I want to, not because I'm expecting to be paid back. Of course, they often volunteer to do things for me without being asked, too.

Thank you all for letting me vent and for being so kind and helpful with your advice. Sometimes I feel like an idiot for not being able to deal with all of this in a more effective way.
(0)
Report

I will pray for you, sir. Please don't give up, because you have so much to offer. Sorry to hear about your mother. That is not something you can change, is it? It must feel depressing to feel so powerless. God can see you through this valley, as well, and will not forsake you, if you call on him. Definitely will I pray for you in this time of grieving. Please check out a thread called, "Finding Joy in the Journey," and another called, "Count Your Blessings;" both by me. Praying for your wife, as well.
(0)
Report

What I share comes from years of living in hell, reaching the point 7 years ago that I wanted my life back but knew neither how to define it nor how to get there; and a very tough journey back home to reclaiming as well as discovering more about the real me which God never meant to be denied as I had misunderstood. All I ask is say a prayer and maybe send a hug.

BTW, my wife and I visited my mother today and she has clearly just decided to give up. This is very sad and very much just like her mother was after her broken hip and surgery. Some days, I also feel like just giviing up. I'm going to ask my therapist tomorrow for ideas about some possible meds to add to my Lamictak to help perk me up.
(0)
Report

Wow! That was needful to read. I have printed out your posts, Crowemagnum, and will be rereading them until they stick. This is another learning curve moment. Thank you for your boldness, and plain speaking. Calling my counselor now, lol! Practice makes perfect, or closer to the target. And I'm shooting for a bullseye! Keep up the good posts and invaluable suggestions. And all for free? What a gift for counsel you have!Understanding and wisdom make for better Cargiving, and help us better care for ourselves in a healthy manner. Faithful are the wounds of a friend...Proverbs 27:6. Thank you, sir!
(0)
Report

I beg to differ, it is not possibility, it is a probability and the stakes are high.

Also, keep the focus of SS on her and her social security and medicare. It's far too easy for her to dismiss you and get you into an aurgement away from her need to take responsibility for herself by getting into SS for you or SS for you children.

I'll say somthing now which I did not remember earlier. That is anyone dealing with a control freak really needs a good counselor themselves for both support and their direct input on dealing with such narcissistic control freaks.

Please don't crucify yourself for a control freak.
(1)
Report

SecretSister,

thanks for the comments, and no I don't take your question as picking on me. You'd have so say something like caw, caw or high scare crowe or somethng silly like that to pick on me. :)

You take charge of your own life by setting boundaries with consequences in order to gain control of your life back from the control freak! This means stop walking on eggshells which that book plus it's workbook might be very good for you to read. Another part of taking charge is not spending so much time and energy thinking about the control freek's health problems which unless they are incompetent to deal with are their issues to chose a path to better themselves or not.

In a nutshell, you did not cause their control issues, nor can your heal them, but you can choose a healthy path for yourself an if the control freak wants to chose a healthier path in life for themselves fine, but it they want to freak out, that is fine also for it was thier choice to freak out and let them deal with the consequences.

Control freak parents intuitively know who the weak one is that they can use. Sometimes, control freak parents, pick the perceived weak child to train down through the years to be their compliant caretaking, obedient one. Sometimes, parents don't like potential mates for their children because they will not be alble to control and enslave them into their control freak system.

azamma,

My wife and I discussed the SS thing. It might work with yur mother to tell her that by not drawing social security and medicare benefits, the governemnt is ripping her off for all those years she paid into it.

This is going to sound very intrusive and blunt, but I'm going to say it anyhow and it is a confession of my own failings and a place from which I've had to grwo from. If you are the only sibling or inlaw who still gets along with one of these control freaks, then you are either the person they can so easily still control and thus they still like you or you have learned how to not get sucked into their drama and despite how much they hate how they can't control you, they must live with you within your boundaries or they will live somewhere elese.

Furthermore, words such as would, should, ought to, could have, etc. are passive statements which control freaks do not get for those are passive ways of speaking. Plain speaking such as I certain that the government will gladly keep all of the money you paid into social security for __ years and save money from not having to pay you any SS retirement and Medicare benefits. They are doing this right now because you have not filed to receive these benefits. Tomorrow at 10 am, you and I are going down to the SS office, take a number, wait for our turn and stop the government from stealing your money it owes you.

Hinting does not work. Passive statemens are taken as admissions of not boundaeris and weakness by a control freak. It's time to speak in the first person voice of issues such as I think, I feel, I will , I will not, I must, I can, etc. Words such as will, can, must, shall are active verbs which show that you are taking control of you and responsibility for yourself, your idea,s, your feelings, yiour goals, etc. If over the course of the years, yiou and yoiur parent never achieved an adult-adult relationship, then the role reversal which comes with being the adult child of an aging and declining parent will be extremely painful, but worth the fight, but realistically will not be possible to accomplish by everyone.

Let me add this, when in a family situation where your children are under 18, you as a parent have the right to set some boundaries not only in your behealf but also in theirs. You can't force another adult to accept yiour boundaries. You can ask them too, but you can't make their boundaries for them.

I think I better go take something to calm me down!?
(1)
Report

Dear Azamma,
Maybe one day you'll be rewarded for maintaining your existing arrangement with your mother. But you face the possibility of a major disappointment down the road.
(0)
Report

Well, she does have investment income, so she is not living off me. However, it's not much, about $1000 a month.

I did tell her today that I thought she should draw her SS because she has paid into it, I have paid into it, and my kids pay into it. I also pointed out that employers pay into it which lowers the wage they might otherwise pay the employee. My view is that in another twenty years SS may not be there for me, and probably won't be there for my kids, so she may as well get what she can from it. Her response was that oh, of course it would be there when I'm retirement age.

The denturist decided he needed to remake her lower denture for the third time. We've been telling him all along that the teeth were too big and today he finally measured the space in her mouth. Guess what? The denture is too big!! So, I get to take time off from work on Wednesday to take her back (about 16 miles one way). I sure hope he has them right this time.

Thanks for all the support! It helps just to know that others are dealing with the same sorts of issues I have to deal with.
(0)
Report

How do we take charge of a control freak? Rhetorical... Not picking on you, Crowemagnum, because I like your posts and views. Thanks.

Azamma, wishing you and your mom a great Thanksgiving! :)
(0)
Report

azamma,

I'm sorry that I got the facts about the houses wrong.

Your mother sounds like a control person with her negativity and running people down behind their backs.

However, with her having paid into social security all of these years, she does have unused medical insurance available to her via Medicare Part A which is free and Part B which costs like $85 per month which is taken automatically out of the monthly SS check. She needs to know this. She is living off of you by not drawing her social security and using her medicare benefits and her comments about doctors is just part of her control game. You really must take charge.
(1)
Report

Crowemagnum - I did not say that mom needed a bigger house. Her house is 85 miles from me. My house is tiny. If she is to share a house with me, we need a house bigger than mine and smaller than hers.

I sleep in the dining area when she is here because she goes to bed much earlier than the rest of the household and I leave for work long before she is up in the morning. It makes more sense for me to be slightly inconvenienced by where I sleep than to disrupt the household more by altering people's sleep's schedules. She can go to bed when she wants by sleeping in my room and everyone else can be up later without disturbing her.

She does not have a doctor and hasn't seen one in years. Her attitude is that "they" don't do you any good and just give you medication that causes more problems than you already have. She had narrow angle glaucoma a few years ago and insisted for several days that something blew into her eye causing it to hurt and affecting her vision. By the time I talked her into going to a doctor, the damage was done. An urgent care doctor decided that she had a scratched cornea (my doctor's office was closed). I took her my doctor who immediately sent her to a specialist. The specialist did laser treatments which were not supposed to be painful but turned out to be very bad. Mom claims that the specialist messed up and finished putting out her eye. The cost for this was out of pocket because SHE HAS NO INSURANCE!!!! He did only charge $500 for all he did.

Knicknack - I would love to sell her house. I've been trying to get her to do that since my step-father died in 1997. She doesn't want to live in the city (where I live), and until the last couple of years she could manage with some help with her place. She no longer drives (or shouldn't), has severe shortness of breath, and can see only out of one eye. She has no friends around her neighborhood since her only real friend there died a few years ago. She is very socially isolated and refuses to participate in any "senior" type things. When the house was in good enough shape to sell, she didn't want to sell it. It has deteriorated and now she insists it needs to be fixed up before she can sell it. Personally, I would sell it at a discount instead of putting money into it. Of course, she also insists that since the real estate market is down she should wait to sell it. Apparently, everything she owns is worth far more than market value and everything others own is not worth what they are asking. We looked at some properties here which were priced quite well but she thinks they are overpriced. Even in this market, her place would sell and bring a good price because it has commercial zoning and a good location.

At this point, I am going to let her stay with me, keep the sleeping arrangements we have, and concentrate on doing the things I would do if she were not here. Of course, I will take care of her basic needs.

As for her going into a nursing home, I couldn't do that. She would not agree to it and she has two dogs I don't know what we would do with.

The reason people in the family avoid her is because she has a very pessimistic attitude and wants to talk negatively about others behind their back. For instance, my daughter has back problems. She recently had her second child. My mom insists that she doesn't need to have any children because "she can't take care of them" with her back problems. She criticizes my choice of neighborhood and demands to know why I like living on this side of town. She lived on the other side of the city for years. I live here because I like it and my daughter and her husband live here. She likes to ask family members to tell her what other family members are doing in their lives and why they are doing it. I generally tell her that I don't really know the details of what people are doing and that if she wants to know she should ask them.

Anyway, today we have to go to the dentist (for about the 15th time) to try to get her lower denture to fit properly. So, I will get to hear about how she wishes she still had her ten teeth two of which met for chewing.

Thanks for your responses.
(0)
Report

I definitely agree with Azamma!

Your mother's house is 5,000 square feet! Wow! That is a lot of house for one person and you think she needs more house? No, she needs much less. My family of four lives in a three bedroom house with less than 2,000 square feet and it seems plenty big for us.

Don't expect her to pick up on hints. You must be concrete and go into details. She has absolutely no business making you sleep somewhere else than your own bed. That is your house and your bed! Be strong! Take charge and stop walking on eggshells. Your grown children will respect and love you more for it.
(0)
Report

Dear Azamma,
Your fortitude in taking care of your mom is admirable in some ways, but it seems like her attitude is sucking the life out of you, and I suggest you TAKE CHARGE and communicate clearly with her. (Forget about having her guess at your meaning, as you did by sharing your experience with your POA.) So, the options could be: 1. sell Mom's house and use the proceeds to buy something that can accomodate you, the rest of your family, and her, 2. nursing home, 3. let her take her chances on her own. (If she chooses 3. and runs into trouble, you'll have to send her to a nursing home anyway, but in that case the decision will have been made for her.) Use the offer to let her stay with you during the winter as a bargaining chip. If she's not receptive to your suggestions and you can't bear ignoring her, at least apply new ground rules when she stays with you. This will send the message that she's in the dog house and at least make it a bit easier for you. Can't she stay on the twin bed, and you keep your bedroom? I imagine your mom would make a face at you at being relegated to the dining room, but so what? If she's not going to cooperate, what should she expect? She'll probably get mad and threaten to go back to her own house, in which case you should offer her a ride. Good luck!
(0)
Report

azamma,

I'm glad that my lengthy reply was helpful. You're in a real bind and reaching a point where your children may end up avoiding you because that can't be seperated from avoiding her.

Does she sign her tax returns or does she?

It sounds like a doctor or someone she trusts just might be able to explain to her that she's paid for SS retirement all these years and its time to cash in on it. I don't think you need to tell her that what she paid in actually paid for the current people drawing on SS and it's your social security payments that provide the actual money for her social security.

If you can get her to give you Durable POA, then getting SS is a mute point because you will be able to file for it in her stead as her POA.

I'm a concerned at this point what a doctor's evaluation of her mental competency might be. I'd try to get the POA's first because the journey to get her declared incompetent for the sake of protecting her via a guardianship is a painful and sometimes expensive process.
(0)
Report

Crowemagnum- Thanks for the reply. We need a larger place than mine if she is to stay with me year round because when she is with me I wind up on a twin bed in the dining area so she can have my room. My house is very small and there would be no room for any of her things. Her house is around 5000 square feet and brim full of years of accumulation which she is reluctant to let go. Of course, when we sell the place, a lot of it will have to go.

She does not collect SS, Medicare or anything. If you don't sign up for it, you don't get it. She feels it is a welfare program and that what one has paid in over the years would be depleted within a couple of years. She has worked most of her life and paid in to SS, so this is simply not true. I think it's a matter of her being fearful of anything to do with the government. I have to take care of her tax returns and she is stressed out by such things.

I recently made a big deal of the fact that I was making out a POA (financial and medical) for myself appointing my son as my agent and my other son as an alternate agent. It didn't seem to make the desired impression of inspiring her to follow suit.

I'm going to look into legal advice. I work for the state and can consult with an attorney for free.

My biggest stress is that she will not face reality and do the things she needs to do to make her life and my life easier. It's to the point that my kids also avoid her (they are all grown).
(0)
Report

Why not call Legal Services, on her behalf and ask some hard questions? You can also talk to Social Security, about becoming Representative Payee, and filling out the forms for her. You may want to contact your local Commission on Aging, or Area of Aging office, and see about an in-home assessment by a nurse to determine her level of needs. Sounds like you need some help, as you recognize, and these places would be a good place to start. I was reminded to be a squeaky wheel. Calling and asking questions will give you some resources, and hopefully, answers to some of your important questions. Be prepared for a long journey, as I have been doing this very same thing for over two years. Each phone call offers a little hope, but each situation raises more questions. Best wishes to you and your Mom, azamma!
(0)
Report

The fact that your sister and brother will have nothing to do with her tells me something about how difficult she must be. This kind of person makes life very tough on other residents as well as the staff of a nursing home'

This must be handled with boundaries like I must have POA both durable and medical if you are going to come live with me all year round. It sounds like she sees you as the good child or at least for the present and I've seen adult children do all sort of things to keep on the good side of such a parent even to the point of sacrificing their marriage and children but trying to justify it by saying "I was doing this so we would inherit my mother's money" as her husband and children went on with their own lives.

Why does she need a place larger than yours? it will only mean more to have to keep up, clean up and repair. What life do you have right now and does it change much when she lives with you part of the year?

By not drawing SS do you mean Medicaid or just SS retirement? I did not know you could refuse SS retirement, but I do think it's best to put it on auto deposit.

I'm glad that my mother gave me and not her husband both medical and durable POA for he would have made bad decisions both medically and financially. I'm also glad that upon her mother's death that my mother invested in a long term health care plan back in 1996 which is helping greatly with her nursing home care. It will be sad if her nursing home stay eats up everything she has, but she's in the right place for both herself and everyone else. Last Thanksgiving, we ate a nice meal with her and my step-dad. This year, she's survived a stroke and a broken hip; really struggled with the idea of needing to leave home, and since April has been in a nursing home. She made a slight come back in walking after the stroke, but she's not even tried to work with PT since the hip. She's much like her own mother once her hip was broker in that she just basically laid down and died. Right now, I and my step-siblings are working on 4 of the 5 years of unfilled IRS and State taxes we just learned about this year. It alone has the possibility of wiping them both out, forcing the selling of their house and the house at the beach, etc. My step-siblings are both much healthier and well off than either me or my wife are in, but like us have children in college and high school. However, I'm an only child and along with my wife have been on full disability from work of any kind since 2003.
(0)
Report

She already lives with me part of the year. It's cold where she lives during the winter, even though it's only 85 miles from me. She doesn't have central heat and tries to heat with a woodstove. Even though she is difficult, I would not put her in a nursing home. She would never consent to going to one and would probably die quickly if forced. I just can't keep her place up and mine too. The idea is to sell her place (which is zoned commercial) and buy another place, smaller than hers and larger than mine. I don't feel that I'm giving up my life for her and I don't want to see her assets bled away paying for a nursing home.
(0)
Report

It sounds like she needs to be in a nursing home if she lives closer to you you will become her caregiver for sure even if you do not plan on I feel she should not sell her house if she has had if for over 5 years that is now the look back for medicaide if she is placed the nursing home will get her social security for sure very quickly and you would not have to go through the crazieness of applying believe me it is horrible to do and the social workers have lot of ways to get it done easily, do not take her to live with you if you have been on this site very long you will hear stories that would astound you from others who did and wished they hadn't and once it is done it is so hard to change. If she is in a nursing home near where you live you will be able to be as involved with her as you want and can make sure she is getting good care and if she continues to be difficult you can stay away and since your siblings do not want anything to do with her anyway they will not care where she lives-you do not need to give up your life for her when she does not do anything to help herself.
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.