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Never thought I'd be pouring my thoughts out to strangers like this but I don't know anyone who's caring for, much less living with their parent.I'm 54, married, my kids are young adults on their own. 20 years ago,Dad was diagnosed with Alz and unable to drive.My parents lived in their home and Mom (she's now 90) fought all changes, including legal matters.Suddenly unable to spend every single day socializing,she began calling my sister, in tears, to come get them for a few days.Few years later,Dad went into a nursing home and Mom began staying longer and longer stretches with my sister and with me (2000 miles away).By the time Dad passed 10 years ago,Mom was spending very little time in her home, telling us she just couldn't be alone.She was physically capable of being home alone(wears a full leg brace but no other health issues) if she hired someone coming in to do housework and yardwork.She came from a large, overbearing family and thrives on having people around ALL THE TIME.So she hated the idea of having to deal with having time alone.We tried to discuss senior apartments, options with her but she would turn on the waterworks and utter things about how she was a burden and a bother and everyone would reassure her that "oh, no, we love having you" and all discussions of her creating her own life were gone.She is a master of guilt and manipulation.After 3 more years of essentially living with us,we got her to at least sell the house, rather than my sister continuing to clean and mow etc.Now she needed to make a decision,which she refused and so ended up spending 6 months with each us.She told her friends we made her sell the house and how she was a nomad with no home.She still loves socializing but will not go anywhere unless my sister or I go too, including to a senior center, lunches with family and friends. She has no interests except reading and watching TV and those are just fillers.She has no desire to make new friends, preferring to co-opt mine.She expects us to be with her every free moment we have - we both work fulltime jobs so not a lot of free time here. I leave work, go home and cook dinner while she chats about whatever, watch TV with her at night and go to bed.Weekends, I'm expected to spend my weekend with my 90 year old mother.If I take time for me, she wilts or is sullen.She expects to attend social gatherings with our friends, and they all think she's just so sweet, they encourage it.What they don't know is that this lady has always been "all about me" - when she listens so empathetically to them, her motive is that they feed her "aren't you wonderful" need.She thrives on being fawned over and so is just so supportive and caring.She tells friends and family all of our business so we've learned to be very careful what we tell her.Ironically, with her own daughters,she can't give the support if she thinks it will diminish her attention.So when Dad died,she never hugged us and comforted us and acknowledged that we lost our Dad because in her mind, that would diminished her role as the grieving widow.In fact,she was visably bugged when we reminisced about Dad a couple days after he passed because it wasn't about her.So,here's where we are: My sister (59) just lost her husband and after spending 35 years as a caregiver, has said enough.We believe that Mom's vision of her living with Sis is they will be like the Golden GIrls - movies,visiting various friends and relatives, dinners,watching TV together every evening - contemporaries.Sis however is looking at life after many years of taking care of a sick hubbie, whom she'd adored.There's no way Mom will be ok with sitting home alone while Sis takes classes,does volunteer work,creates her new phase.BTW,Sis and I are extremely close. So Sis has said "done" and Mom is currently with me.DH is adament that we are NOT going to be the fulltime caregivers and I understand that, esp. as his parents are also elderly and we are the only kids in town to care for them. (They, however,are functional, having taken the steps they needed to keep them in their home safely).She can be alone during the day, we think but are concerned as she has fallen a couple times.She can't be left alone overnight which means we can't leave town for a weekend.Because she hates being alone,she has no understanding of my need to have "me" time.DH has been phenomenal all these years,but is wanting to travel,for me to have time for my interests after raising our brood and is starting to say "ok, we need to change something here". Plus he got a rare look at how selfish and mean spirited she can be (only about 6 people have seen this side) as she ripped me apart because I said she needed to see a doctor about her weakening good leg. So, you all have been thru this - how do I deal with this mess now that she's been living with us???? BTW - if you're contemplating this living setup, please realize your first obligation is your own family -discuss,think,pray first.

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A320... If your life is so perfect, I’m wondering “why” you are at this page judging everyone who does NOT have the perfect life!
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I’m seeing my mom in many of these posts. Self-centered, wanting attention ~ woe is me attitude. When my Dad was sick ~ The doctors told us he needed hospice or a nursing home. My mom had just been released from the hospital, where they couldn’t find anything wrong with her, so my 4 siblings and I told her about Dad. Her response, I can’t take care of him, he will have to go to a nursing home. He did and died a few weeks later.
My mom was sick earlier this year ~ Hospital then nursing home (I won’t even go in to the guilt trip she put me on), so I brought her to my house. She has been recovered for awhile and mentions to my brother that she should go back to her house, but she doesn’t. My husband and I want our house back...my siblings only come to visit her, no help from them at all. How can I tell her nicely, it is time for you to go to your house? She can afford a caregiver, if she is lonely, because just like others, she refuses to socialize...expects me to entertain my siblings and their spouses. I’m tired of being a waitress, caregiver, and no help from siblings. I want her to go home! Any suggestions on how to tell her? Because, as you see, I am resenting her now. Thank you.
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dgibbs, you'll get more responses by copying your paragraph into a new post. Also explain who got therapy and what kind. How long has she been living with you? How old is she? What is her financial status (can she afford to live on her own)? Is the "us" you and your husband, or are there additional members of your household?

Starting a new thread and giving more details will enable us to be more specific in our responses.

Welcome to AgingCare!
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bumping this up, so maybe someone might have some advice. this thread is 7 years old, you may want to start your own to get advice. Best wishes, may God bless you.
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My mother lives with us and we need to sell our home and move away, the abuse and turmoil is beyond what we can handle, we have tried everything, the last step was therapy, that didn't work. How do we have her removed from the house when she refuses to leave? She has threatened to sabotage the sale of the house, is trying to charge us with elder abuse because we want to move on and away, what do we do? I never thought I would need to run away from her but we are all hiding in our rooms and added locks to them when we are home, we go out more then we can afford to eat because she uses the kitchen as a trap when we there, it's relentless.
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I'm so glad I found this as I feel so very guilty at times with my mom living with us but it can be so stressful!! Its nice to see so many are in same situations..
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I'm in that situation, not married yet to my partner and dealing with blended family issues - we both have children. My new "mother-in-law"just lost her husband and job and is living with us in our new home. She is only 60, very healthy with 40+ years of work experience and masters degree. She is always talking about his ex-wife and how great she is/ comparing her and me and off-handed, insensitive comments to my children. The comment to my son yesterday was "nobody loves you." Their father never sees them and they are feeling insecure about the situation in our home. that was completely inappropriate knowing that was a sensitive issue. 
She undermines our new family rules and my authority completely. I'm a very caring and compassionate person with strong religious faith so I was very challenged about asking her to leave our new home. I watched my relationship fall apart with my children and my partner. I tried to be compassionate and everyone suffered. I also physically suffered with an extreme allergic reaction to her cats. I don't sleep anymore and very sad to be honest. My partner grows tired of watching me suffer but I was refusing to "kick her out." Come to find out- he is still married to his "ex" wife which my "mother-in-law" fairly recently told me. We are all very successful, well-educated (stupid) people but my life is starting to sound like a bad soap. My advice- if you really care for mom/dad make sure they live near you. Stipulate specific times when you can see them/activities. If you can hire someone to do their household chores. My floors and furniture, linen, bedding etc was ruined from her aging cats- so you need to weigh the emotional and financial expenses. You will salvage the relationship if they don't live with you- unless it is a highly unique situation or culture where it is expected. Be sure first all family members have a solid history together before engaging in this life changing event. Alive alive I have similar experiences- cooking everything- she will only eat cereal - I've been told over the years my food is good- I don't understand- what a mess
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Ok, pop died 2 weeks ago. Only two weeks. Mom is an active 81. drives, looks great, does her hair, etc. Only my dad did everything for her. everything. She didn't know anything about the checkbook, insurances, anything. I am an only child. She's been with us since he passed. And I am already ready to run screaming from the room. My husband's family has had so many members pass, that we try and just keep moving, we tell stories, we laugh and remember them. This is the first major loss on my side. But my neck and back hurt. My chest is tight. Oh, and both my husband and myself work full time. We have a small place now, 2 almost adult kids still here, one going this summer. We had planned to downsize and start really saving until retirement. My parents' financial situation has put the fear of God into me, so we need to save, etc, as long as we possible can. oh, I'm 58. I don't want to feel this way, but already do. She's also one to be the center of attention. I can't do it. thanks for listening.
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lol , so get it, stay strong, just a relief to know others are struggling with this curve ball too, dearly love my mum but it is so challenging. much love to all caring for elderly parents
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Your sister has already said enough is enough. Your mother is taking down one daughter at a time. Your mother refused all rational help "including legal matters." Your sister was cleaning and mowing the lawn of a house her mother didn't even live in anymore. Talk about wasting someone's time and energy!

I agree that you need to learn to stand up to your needy mother - who really ought to be socializing with people her own age.

Talk to your sister about Power of Attorney, etc. and both of you start touring senior apartments. Compare notes before taking your mother with you.

Once you've got brochures in hand, do not let your mother's waterworks derail the conversation. Learn to steer a difficult conversation. This is the kind of conversation you keep on having for weeks sometimes before a parent understands that you will not let it go and that things are changing. It's scary but it's not the end of the world. I wish you lots of luck, courage, and strength.
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The reason I asked about the timing of things is that there are two hugely different scenarios that are possible:

1. Marriage falls apart, poster is left with two tiny children and a mess on her hands, mother moves in to help. Which at first is wonderful, but then once the initial sh*tstorm is over presents its own set of problems...

2. Mother moves in, marriage falls apart, mother makes strenuous efforts to prove how wonderful she is and the break-up couldn't possibly be anything to do with her...

Either way, a new backbone will have to be grown which can be a painful process, and I sympathise. But it makes a difference what *species* of difficult mother you're dealing with.
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It's about what's best for the family - for every member of your family - not just about what's best for one member of a family. Pull together, prioritize the problems, and put together workable solutions. Atop the list is your living situation.
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I vaguely remember the days when I thought it was goodness to be soft and easygoing, endlessly sympathetic, and to set as few boundaries as possible. I still like to be that way, but when a limit must be set I find my big girl panties and put 'em on. Find your strength. Pray for it if you can't sense it within yourself to be brave and take on the leadership role, however unwanted, when that is thrust on you by the kinds of challenges we find ourselves facing with our families. Don't say "I can't, because it is my MOM." Mom, as well as the rest of your family needs you to say no and say the other things that need to be said, and to back up words with firm yet ultimately loving actions.
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She came to live with you before or after your divorce? How old are the children?
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Thank you
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OK, let me say..Let her!! If she is hungry she will eat eventually. Just ignor the insults. Do you want your children eating unheathy food? and she makes you feel like crap for wanting to do what you want in your own home? Tuff luck to her. Maybe you need to point out to her that it is YOUR house.. and you are sharing it with her.. and stop feeling like crap right now. You need to take back some control.. Maybe ignor her for a bit and do what you need to,, She does indeed sound like a Narc, and you need to nip this in the bud before your children begin to disrespect you also
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I have tried cooking, she insulted me for awhile, I kept cooking, then she told me how she would not eat it (I could care less) so she retreated to the basement very disgusted with me. She took the whole ordeal as an insult to her.
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She feels the entire house is hers and would not agree to decorate her own space. She seems narcissistic in my opinion. Any confrontation or discussion to change things would not be received and she would totally make me feel like crap for even suggesting such things
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Alive,, grab a spine and tell her you need some say here. Maybe not all the say, she does need to feel like it;s her house too.. but some say. Maybe she needs to hear you feel "run over".. make a schedule as to who cooks when.. maybe she can cook when you work, and you cook on your days off? She can redecorate her areas, and you get control of the rest? If you are the sole financial provider you have some leverage here if you stand up for your self. When she tries to boss you around.. tell her you are an adult, or just say "uh huh" and go about your business. I know this is harder than I say, but small step still get to the top! Good luck
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She makes me feel as if she is "The mother", I'm a child and my kids are her kids too. If I say something to my kids, she corrects me. She overrides everything I want and say to my kids. I don't like her attitude or the fact that my kids are picking up her attitude. She tells me how to treat my ex-husband (father of my kids) and tries to say when he can see them and when he can't. She has been unsuccessful at that, but she still tries.
I think she believes she is helping me as a spouse would.... But nobody wants their mother to take on the role that a spouse would. I don't ask her advice, I'm very capable of living my own life, maintaining my home, and raising my children.
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She has been with me 7 years, lived in her own home prior. Was having a lot of difficulty at her job, We could both see that she would not be able to continue working. She sold her home, which was far from being paid for, and without working she can't support herself. I do not have any siblings to help, so this feels like a lonely journey. Perhaps because I'm not married she feels like my house is her own and she does what she wants. She tells me what to do a lot, treats me like a child. Im the sole financial provider. I hate my house (which feels like her house), so much that I would rather not come home at all, but I do, for my kids.
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When did your mother come to live with you? Where did she live before?
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Im single with young children and my mother lives with me. She has changed my entire house to be what she wants. I hate it. She thinks it's her role to buy all the groceries and cook all the food and gets angry and verbally insults me if I cook anything. She transformed my house into what she likes, I feel uncomfortable in it, really hate being home all together. If I put a picture somewhere, she moves it. If I decorate anything, she takes it down and puts up something else. She does this in every room of my house. She cut my curtains and made them into different curtains. It is awful. my kids are picking up her negativity. I feel guilty because she is not financially capable of supporting herself, she depends on my money, so I feel I can't ask her to move out. I can't afford to support two households, so she remains with me. I hate it. Depressing.
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The only one who can help you is YOU. You need to tell your mom that she can't move in with you.

Easy? No. Necessary for your mentsl health? Yes. Essential for the health and safety of your children? H3ll yes!!!
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Omg. I'm in awe at these posts... it's somewhat comforting to find others in simular situations. But quite honestly I still feel like there's no solution! As I am writing this I feel like crying my eyes out! I'm a 32 year old single mother of a 5 and 3 year old.... battled depression from an extremely disfunctional family.. and finally learned how to come a few years ago... or hide it well... not sure. But recently I felt myself getting back certain feelings. .. I've become alot more serious...secluded.. I refuse to date or socialize... and refrain from visiting family due to them being the trigger to my anxiety...my mother mainly....
And now that my grandmother passed who's income was helping her keep her home. She suddenly threw away her plans to get herself an apartment that I thought was the official plan and called to ask me if she can move in with me... I hesitated... then said yes.. who can tell their mother no!
As soon as I said yes I felt all my stress and anxiety that took me over 20 years to finally ease hit me full force and then some! I've been on my own since the age of 17... not to Rebel but bc my mother is the most negative and miserable,depressed spirit draining, manipulative..... woman I know... very weak and unable to get over her and my father's divorce from 7 years ago.. yes I understand it's hard sometimes but her entire life revolves around him and his current situation. He's moved on with other children and she hates that I don't hate him as she does.. she speaks of him daily and blames him for her current situation. If I don't bend my brows she gets upset and thinks I'm heartless for not allowing her situation to bother me as much... she finds satisfaction is me and others being depressed. It's a serious matter. She is very weak. And exposes her as well as her grandchildren to the most negative! She does nothing to shelter us from pain..instead would rather us feel is full strength... I love my mother...but I do not like her...my sister keeps her distance bc she doesn't want to expose her own children to the negative lifestyle and I FINALLY jumped on board a few weeks ago.. and a week later.... she hits me with this! I can't sleep...or eat. I'm actually really stressed out about this. I'm tense and I don't talk to anyone so it's building tension. I've change mine and my children's lifestyle habits...less sugar. More veggies. Less meat... and she is spending the weekend with us now and brought literally 4 bags of sugar worms... hot dogs.. bacon.. smoking around them... and criticizing me for being strict about our POSITIVE changes!!! I'm so sickened and idk what to do... she's not easy to talk too. And it's not as simple as telling her how I feel. Trust me..if I do I will be the worst person. She will make me feel so guilty and I am already very soft and unconfrontational. It's just not in me..I suffer alot bc if this...
I'm screaming inside!!! If and when this happens I will surely fall right back into a pit of depression.. I'm a very private person and she is the type to speak every word of her personal business to ppl who don't care. And have ppl speaking about us. I don't speak to any of my neighbour's bc of how quiet I am and I've lived here for 4 years! She will have the neighbourhood walking in and out...I do not date bc my children are young and I do not want random men around my kids. I don't trust easily.. and she's into dating to get her mind away from the divorce and I know there will be big issues if she even speaks of bringing any strangers in my home where my children are...
.somebody please help me.
I'm begging. This will alter my life for the absolute worst! :(
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Linda, as you have stated, there is no one size fits all and maybe I am a little more sensitive to the subject because I only had my mother a short time. She died when she was just 36yrs old. I watched my grandmother care for her until the last day but that took and enormous emotional toll on her and she passed just 2 1/2 years later followed by my grandfather a month after losing my grandmother. I could not imagine putting my father in any facility unless his health was such that being at home among his family was detrimental to his health and well being. When my mother inlaw began to show signs of her age it was me that told my wife that we have kept this big house for a reason and now that our boys are grown we need to take care of her. She doesn't want to be alone or in a place with strangers and although people can and do make friends its just not the same as being with your kids and grand children. I know that if it were me I wouldn't want to be left in some facility provided I was medically sound enough to be in a home environment. Sure we all say that we wouldn't want to be a burden and to some extent there is truth to that statement. I would much rather just go ahead and die than to drag my boys down but if I am blessed enough to make it 90yrs of age how much more life will I actually have? I have made sure that health care for my wife and I are covered should we need in home care it will be there. I don't know your beliefs but for me I have to think there is a higher being that created us. I don't want to be there at my judgement being asked why I did not take care of the ones that took care of me.

I think I am just a little more sensitive about all this now that really think about it.
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A320, as I've gotten older, I've come to understand that there are no one-size fits all solutions to parenting, marriages and parental caregiving. Your dogmatic pronouncements indicate to me that you don't share that idea. No matter.

I do have a REAL family - my sister and I stepped up to help our parents when our dad was diagnosed with AD nearly three decades ago. We continued to help and also give them the best quality of life we were able to.

We have not "thrown" her out - we got past the point where we could care for her increasing needs, our spouses' increasing needs and our own health was suffering. This is not a case of "you could do it if you wanted to" - I know that I cannot help my husband care for his parents, help him with his own health issues and still personally care for my mom's care needs.

As for the kids, I hope the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Because the kids have seen their aunt and I plugging away, despite this constant tug of war with our mom. They've seen us care for their grandparents with love and humor.

Oh and for the record, my mom didn't provide care for any of her parents, or my dad's.
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I had a pretty decent childhood. My mother is in a nursing home because she gets professional medical there. My brothers and i have in no way put my mother away; we visit, we manage her finances and insurance and medical care.

I'm sure there are folks out there who enkoy caring for their elders. I think most of on here either have elders who have dementia or mental illnesses or medical problems that are beyond our capacity to manage. I respect all these folks and the choices they make, in the same way that i support parents who choose to send their kids to day care and public school, as well as those who stay at home with their kids and home school them. I think practising tolerance goes a long way toward making this a better world.
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There are people like you everywhere that has had parents like that but now its up to you to break the mold and be different. I am puzzled here, why on you on this site commenting if you have no love for your parents????? I can agree that many should not have children and many mistreat the children they have so are you one of those who will continue the cycle or change the direction? Who am I to judge? Who judges others all the time? THE PEOPLE! Wake up lady and figure it out...
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A320PYLT not all parents helped their kids through sickness or bought them clothing etc. Mine didn't. we were hungry more than we were fed. They thought beer and bars were more important. Some parents never should have had children...... WHAT THEN ?? You have no idea what some people have went through with their parents. who are you to judge ?????
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