I am relaxed and level-headed about what she said, but still hurt and deeply. I am a 37 year old woman that has been taking care of her 74 year old mother for the past 5 years. Well, if you want to be technical about it, I've been taking care of her since my dad died 12 years ago. But for the past 5 years, she has been pretty much wheelchair bound and bedridden.
Let me make this VERY clear, since nobody knows me and I want to really highlight this fact. I do not get paid for taking care of my mom. She makes too much money (which is really not a lot though) and doesn't qualify to have me as in-home support. Nurses come in 2 times a week and a Nurse Assistant gives her a bath 3 times a week. Other than that, NO HELP. I do EVERYTHING. Hoyer lift to wheelchair for Drs. Appointments. I'm there by her side when she's in the hospital. In charge of everything. Food, cooking, cleaning, all me. No help. Her personal needs, shopping, etc. Me, me, me. No help from my brothers. No help from anyone. It is ME. I am honestly terrified of putting my mom in a nursing home and thinking about it seriously consumes me with guilt.
So, tonight, as I'm putting a knee brace on her knee because her knee hurts, she says to me "I can put it on myself". I say, "No, mom, I'll do it." She gets mad, "You don't let me do anything." I say, "Okay, go ahead then." She knows she can't and says nevermind. Then she says "I wouldn't be like this if it weren't for you." I look at her and say "what?" She says "You didn't give me the proper physical therapy."
Now, here's the thing. When she started going downhill, the Dr. did order a physical therapist to come to the house. The physical therapist gave my mom instructions on what to do. Exercises she was supposed to do. She did not do them. She has it in her mind that she needs someone to help her. I try to explain to her that I can't move her limbs for her. I remember the slow downhill regression.
So, anyway, I said to her that I know that she has to have someone to blame and it's okay, she can blame me. But I know that I am not the cause of her condition. It is not my responsibility to be her physical therapist on top of everything else.
Deep down I know this to be true. Where are my brothers? Where is her sister? Where is anyone? It's just me. And I have done my absolute best. None of this is my fault no matter what. None of this is even my brothers' fault that didn't help at all. They all have lives to live. But instead she takes it all out on me.
She's not even a mean person. She can be stubborn and headstrong, but most of the time she's not mean at all. And that's why this hurts. I've done nothing to deserve this and I know that I will never just get an absolute sincere thank you from anyone.
Get her placed, then go visit as often as you'd like to alleviate any 'guilt' you may feel as a result. There is nothing to be 'terrified' about in the least, either. SNFs are a fact of life these days for LOTS of people. My mother lives in Memory Care now and will be going to a SNF if she's still alive when her money runs out and she needs Medicaid. She's 92 now, going on 93. Longevity runs in her family. She's the last of 8 children and will probably live to 100. The SNF she's planning to go to she likes a lot; they have a great activities program and large, airy and sunny rooms with large baths. Put the thought out of your mind that SNFs are such horrible places and OMG, I could NEVER put my mother in such a place!!! Go look around, do your homework, and find one you like.
Or, call your dear brothers on the phone. Let them know what your plan is, and that they can feel free to have mother come live with THEM. You've done your share.
It's time to cry uncle.
God Bless You
You on the other hand, were the tender hearted girl us daughters tend to be. There's nothing wrong with that until you give up your life for hers. That's where you are. I would strongly advise against having the several days of in home care- she needs 24/7 care with a full team of workers.
Do you realize that the nursing home aide job has a lot of turnover because it is so demanding, and that's only 40 hours a week? You are doing more than 4x that amount of work - 168 hours! It's time for you to take care of yourself, to give mother better care with a fresh shift of helpers every 8 hours, and to become a daughter again. A loving, fresh, sweet daughter who is not changing diapers, lifting a heavy mom, or really resenting the words out of mom's mouth.
I know it's hard to make the change, but it is very much worth it for both you and your mom. Many moms thrive once they are pushed into the nursing homes where they develop friendships and interests they could not have in isolation at home.