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He isn’t even close with my mom. We rarely see him. When he needs money he visits so she can write him a check or give him cash.


He was never close to her. Neither of my brothers visit often. When they do it is usually less than an hour.


The older brother did not want the responsibility because he has major heart issues and fears he may die before my mom. Youngest brother has had heart issues too.


She has my name on checking account because she lives with me since 2005 and she has Parkinson’s so I fill out her checks due to tremors. Plus, I do her shopping for meds and personal items. When she gives a check to my brother he fills it out so she only has to sign it.


My brother doesn’t even do his own taxes which aren’t complicated. My husband will do it for him.


Neither of my brothers have ever been responsible with money. Older one has gone bankrupt more than once and younger one was behind on child support for years because he was careless with money. His ex ended up having his wages garnished. I don’t blame her.


They spend money on things they don’t need, go into debt and so forth. Youngest one got so many speeding tickets that insurance was going to be too expensive so he no longer has his truck. Maybe it was repossessed for all I know. Now he drives a motorcycle to work.


Should I be concerned about him being the executor or not? My mom is old fashioned, I as the female do the caregiving for her and he as a male does the important things even though he won’t have a clue as to what to do.


There are only a couple of cds in bank. I want her to use that money for assisted living as it is becoming harder and harder to care for her. I’ve asked her to free up that money and I will get veterans help for her too to help pay for it. Not sure if she will cooperate because she is concerned about not leaving my brothers money.


Also my mom put my brothers in charge of cds in a separate bank from her checking account. Not a ton of money. ($20,000)


Her will is outdated, it even list my deceased brother’s name on it as a beneficiary.


I know I have brought up some of these topics before to this forum but I am struggling to know what direction to go in or if there is anything I need to be concerned about legally with my brothers.


I have told her that I am looking into assisted living for her. Her response was that I am sick of caring for her and that outside care is expensive. I know she doesn’t want to be a burden but it’s so hard. I need time for my husband and me again.


Thanks for your help.

Caregiverhelp11,

Wow! So many of us are in the same boat with crappy siblings. Sometimes I feel like only kids have it better because they don’t have to deal with these issues.

Sure, hard for them being alone but we are alone too, plus have to deal with their interference.
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Wow, your brother sounds a lot like mine. He has been living at my Mom's house for about 20 years now after
he claimed bankruptcy. She would also write a check
to him for a hundred or more dollars every time he went to pick up a few things from the grocery store. Of course,
her would keep the change. He is irresponsible, has nothing, has never paid rent or anything else. She does
take up for him and doesn't like it when I try to tell her
anything negative about him. I am the responsible sibling and do every thing for my Mom. She is currently in a nursing home. Luckily I have POA for everything, but all her savings have been depleted for her care. My only issue is how the heck I will get my brother out of her house when she passes. That will be a major headache for me to deal with and I am most likely not going to kick him out; therefore, he will probably end up with the home. Pretty sad. These type of siblings seem to be oblivious to their lack of responsibilities and help nor do they want to understand how they are making it harder for their responsible sibling.

Good luck. You might try and talk with your Mother and tell her it will be easier if you have Financial POA also, so that you can handle everything for when she needs to go into an Assisted Living facility. If she refuses, then all I can suggest is, that you let things be and let them play out as best they can when the time comes, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy. I've had some very tuff days dealing with everything, especially dealing with the Medicaid application once my Mother's savings were depleted. It's so frustrating that my brother won't be there to help me. Everything if all fun and games for him and his simple little life!
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DeeAnna,

Possibly. How do I bring that up? She loves her sons. I get that but they aren’t responsible people. I was the kid who remained close to my parents. I wanted to be close to my brothers as well but they have always done their own thing. The oldest is on wife number four. He spent a lot of time chasing women. He never had time for family. The younger one loves his poker games and hanging out with friends.

I’m used to how mom is. Still frustrating though.
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Do you think that your Mom would let your HUSBAND be her POA and/or the executor of her will since HE is a man?
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Thanks for your response. My mother is competent. I only have medical power of attorney. Her doctor told me to obtain medical power of attorney because she falls. She said in case she was unconscious it was important for me to have the authority to speak.

I am also in the process of filling out a living will for mom. She told me at age 93, she does not want any unnecessary procedures done. I get that. Nor do I so I plan on filling out my own living will too.

This also frees up my brothers. They have never taken mom or doctor appointments or the hospital. As I said, they only see me as caregiver.

She would never appoint me as a financial power of attorney. I am female. In her old fashioned way, that is for men, not women. I cook, clean, bathe her, shop, doctor appointments, etc, but a woman capable of handling other stuff, heaven forbid!

Want to hear something funny though? She paid the bills and handled finances, not my dad!

I do remind her about being with my father. They had a wonderful marriage for over 50 years. Dad died in 2002. He knew I was responsible. I lived alone, before marriage, everything was paid. Unlike my brothers I didn’t ask them for money. I knew how to sacrifice if I didn’t have money. In other words, I don’t spend money that I don’t have.

I fully understand that it is her money but it should be spent on her care, not expensive toys, guitars, amps, keyboards, other stuff that my brothers buy.

I care about my mother’s quality of care. I love her dearly but I am not a nurse. In assisted living she can receive the professional care that she needs. Last time she fell she had to get staples in her head. It’s terrifying for both of us. She was in the bathroom. So I insisted that she allow me to put in a bedside commode. She kept telling me no before that but the last fall changed her mind about walking down the hall to use the bathroom. Even with a walker she struggles. Breaks my heart.
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Do you have POA? If not, you need it. This is for the here and now. If your mother is competent, she can pretty much do what she wants to with her money even if it’s give it away to your brother. His executorship does not come into play until Mom passes. And then, he can only carry out her wishes for disbursement of her estate. Without POA, there isn’t much you can do. However, remember that if you need to apply for Medicaid, there is a 5 year look-back on gifting.

When Mom makes those hurtful remarks, reassure her that you are not”sick of” caring for her, but you need time for yourself and your husband. “Don’t you remember, Mom, when you wanted to spend time with our Dad? Well, I feel the same way.” Assure her that you are not dumping her. You will still be part of each other’s lives. As for leaving your brother money, suggest seeing a financial planner, but her money needs to go for her care. Does she pitch in for your care of her? If not, consider it.
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