My mom died tonight at her assisted living facility.

My mom died tonight at her assisted living facility. She was in pain, and I ran to get help. I got into a 15 minute argument with the nurse trying to get them to up her level of morphine, but by the time I came back, she was gone. I feel so guilty. I want to throw up and pull my hair out and rend my clothes yet, I’m just sitting here at home, in shock. I am sad, but was also so fearful of further decline for her.

With her passing, something comes to a close for me. 10 years of being the primary point person/ POA/caregiver for her and my dad ( dementia/Parkinson’s). I simultaneously feel I made so many mistakes, and that I should have done more, and am exhausted when I look at what’s left of my life after the time consuming work of moving them, caring for them, then finding them a facility, then advocating for them, handling things like doing their taxes, visiting every week, etc etc etc. A million times feel they suffered from my ignorance. I regretted I was not a clinician, because I felt so inept navigating the health care system.

So I came to tell people who I know would understand when so many didn’t and gave me bs platitudes and empty promises. And to say thank you. I’ve been a long Time lurker who has favorited so many of your posts because they have been a life saver to me. Thank you to you all. You, and this community are a painful blessing. In the silence of sitting, and my grief, I pondered on gratitude, and this forum flew up like a butterfly in my mind. I realized this, and thought I’d say so.