Follow
Share

My mom made my grandparents come to USA to live with me, but all the time they are here with me, they cause trouble. My Grandpa was the one I liked most, he always spent time with me, loved me and much more. But then, my Grandma came. She smelled bad, touched my things and had a disease that spread. The disease that my Grandmother had was called Tuberculosis. This disease spread to people by cough and made the room have a smell. Not only that, but my Grandmother was a great cook in her country. But, when she cooked for me, I would describe it 1/100. This is because most of the time her hair would fall off from her head into the food. I don't know about you, but food with hair wouldn't be what I want to eat. The same happened with my things, she would fold my clothes and hair would be there. I often got mad at her and yelled but my mom stopped me. My Grandmother always comes into my room telling me if I wanted to eat. I obviously say no. But my mom forces me. My relationship with my mom has been broken. She likes my Grandmother more now, in 1 year I can move out of the house and stay away from the hellhole I use to call "home" before my Grandma came.

I'm with WorriedinCali, BellainaWella and lkdrymom. This is a tough situation for an *adult* who freely *chose* to move elderly, ill people in with them. Here, we have a young person who got this arrangement plopped on them.

Also, I don't see a Dad in the picture. Mom's got to be Beyond Stressed -- no time to think, let alone communicate with the teen in the house. Which leaves said teen on their own to Just Deal With It.

Grandma is trying to help, which is wonderful! Not every elder is willing or able to even make an effort. Still, nobody should have to put up with hair in their food or clothing on a regular basis.

Yes, this can be a helpful growing experience, but it seems both Mom and DarkShadow101 need some additional support and, if possible, safe places to vent.

DarkShadow101 ... every county in the US has a Council on Aging. If you call them, they may be able to point you to some sources of support, and maybe some real resources that can offer some relief for both you and your Mom.

And ... for yourself, is there a school counselor, favorite teacher, or other trusted adult you can talk to?
(2)
Report

I have to agree with WorriedinCali. We tell people who want to bring an elder into their home to consider how it will change the lives of their children. Now we have one of the children telling us how it affecting them and we are bashing them for not being more compassionate. If this person is from another county the OP probably doesn't even know her so doesn't have that warm grandparent/child connection established. The OP life has been turned upside down so I see why they are not in the most accepting mood.

When I was 23 my grandmother moved in with us briefly as she was having mini strokes. I had a lifetime of bonding with her. She could be the funnest person but if she wasn't the center of attention she would turn into a spoiled witch. That was a very uncomfortable time in our lives when she lived with us and I was an adult and more able to handle it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone especially a teenager. Our lives were utterly disrupted.
(3)
Report

Ahmijoy. I had a very similar relationship with my paternal grandmother. She lived to 98 sadly the last years in a NH. Everything I know to do of a domestic nature came from her. My mother is not the least bit domestic. We spoke Greek together. She was the greatest woman. Very simple but rich with spirit. I was so fortunate to have her in my life. She stayed with us for periods of time to help with me an only child as my mother would have crisis events often. I always cried on the way home after the visits from the NH. Maybe there are some little things you can find that seem special. I had another step grandmother who was a little short of a horror. No ability to express warmth and love. As a grandmother now I try my best to really show love to them and it naturally comes from within which makes me very grateful.
(3)
Report

You are only 17 or 16 still in high school? Just remember grandma did not want a disease like terbulosis I know its very hard to adjust to elderly people especally when they are sick because it is SO SAD TO SEE PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE SICK.When my aunt moved in my family had a hard time with it she was really confused and very frail also she spends forever in the bathroom oh and my aunt can be very mean ! Now they just roll with the punches and laugh about her being mean they love it when Auntie tells me off !! I know its hard but give them a chance you do not want to look back on your life and have regrets about treating your grandparents bad or ignoring them actually you must remember that this can be an amazing experience for you ! Maybe you can learn about your parent and your heritage remember grandma and grandpa used to be young just like you !They also had to deal with grandparents when they were young and so did your mom... so take it easy on them we all get old and it cant be stopped so please try to just think of solutions like give grandma a hat to wear or bandanna when shes cooking and fold your own clothes GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!
(3)
Report

How long has your grandmother been living with you? This is recent, isn't it?

It is very hard to adjust to new people moving into your homespace—even when they are healthy and likable. It's tougher when they are ill or have an abrasive personality, and you have little control over the situation yourself (being a kid is tough).

Have you talked with your parents about this? If so, they may helpful (as a mom I'd definitely step in if my parent/IL was dropping hair in my kid's food—no matter how well meaning she was being). When you are in a good mood and they are as well, it's a good time to approach this. Tell them what is happening. They may not realize how it's impacting you as this is probably a lot for them to be handling, too.

If they dismiss your concerns, it's important to find another adult you trust and can talk to. They may or may not be able to help, but at the least it can feel good to have someone we trust listen. When I was a young person in school, I found a school counselor was a big help and I had some thoughtful teachers as well. I honestly can say as an adult, my life path would be very different if I had not reached out to them. Keep reaching out to people who you can trust and are adults.

Also, try to remember as much as it sucks for you right now, your grandparents are probably in some pretty heavy discomfort and pain themselves. It's likely they are not doing any of the rude things on purpose. That doesn't negate your own discomfort, but it helps to understand.

Keep reaching out, though. Even here, if you need.
(3)
Report

Get her a babushka, it will hold the hair in when she cooks. Losing hair is usually a sign of a low thyroid.
(2)
Report

When I was a a bit younger than you, I was a brat. Everything and everyone existed just to tick me off. I knew it all. Everyone else was an idiot. The world was populated with people far less intelligent than me. I disliked my overbearing mother with a vengeance. I wrote what a b***h she was in my diary. The last straw was when she read it. We almost came to blows. She threw me out of the house and I went to live with my grandma.

My grandma taught me everything i needed to know about getting by in life; cooking,cleaning, sewing, canning, baking. That’s what women needed to know back then. We’d sit and look at old albums of her life in Czechoslovakia. She’d cry for the life she had to leave behind. She even taught me how to get along with my difficult mother.

I still miss my grandma today, 43 years after her death.

Watch your mouth and your behavior, young one. When you attain the maturity you think you have now, if you mind your manners and realize you are not the main player on this stage, you will have nothing to regret in your adult life. And regrets can alter your entire life.
(5)
Report

OK, lets get real here.. TB patients don't smell... And I am sure if she got to come here legaly she is on meds now for any possible TB .If she has it. We get patients all the time in my hospital with "possible TB", they are treated! (Maybe it's that "old person smell" we all hear about?) This sounds to me like a normal pre/teen who is upset her life is being changed and she is no longer the center of her parents universe? So just wait out that year until you can get out,, and see how much better that is for you! I bet you will still be in line for Mom and Dad's money but still not better able to be compassionate. She worries about your eating, she folds your clothes, this to me sounds like a GM who wants to love you and be a part of your life. Hope you never get old and lonely.
(7)
Report

Well this is interesting troll or not, some of the responses are....icky. Funny how when the OP is an adult who has taken in a parent and it’s seriously affecting everyone in the home, responders are to quick to say what about your children, you need to think about them and put them first. Yet here we have a child and they are being called spoiled brats, told to suck it up, love their family!
(6)
Report

If it’s really all because of hair on your food (that sick grandma cooks for you) or on your clothes (that sick grandma washes and folds for you) maybe you could nicely ask your Mom and grandma to wear a scarf or hairnet around the house? Would that fix your issue? Could you be civil to her if that was corrected? If so great!

But somehow don’t think so. You sound so very angry I can’t believe it’s over just hair.

I think back on how bratty I was when your age (we also lived with my aging grandparents). And how unhelpful and clueless I was around my Mom, who was the caretaker and breadwinner for the 4 of us. I think back on what she dealt with when her parents aged, got sick, went into nursing homes and finally passed. It took a tole on her health. I now don’t know how she did it, and it fills my heart with pride for her and sadness that I wasn’t more in tune with what she was going through. But I was immature, like you are now. I know it’s hard right now because you’re used to feeling like the center of the universe, like we all do at your age, but please try to look at this through your Moms eyes. And try to help her as much as you can, so you’re not just another sad drain on her emotionally. She will be around a lot longer than your grandma. ( Hugs.)
(5)
Report

Troll?
(9)
Report

So, are you fifteen?

The fact that your grandmother comes into your room and asks if you'd like to eat does kind of prove that your grandmother cares about you. Enough, at least, to care whether you're hungry or not.

I'm not sure she's right to bother; but she does anyway.

Finding hair in your food is disgusting. Finding other people's hair shed around your clothes is pretty gross, too. Hospital smells like disinfectant, surgical scrubs, some medicines, the sickness itself - these are not nice to live with, I agree. But wouldn't you think they're worse if they're happening to you even more than to everyone else in the family?

Your grandmother is ill, and your mother is trying to take care of her. Don't you care about them at all? What do you think is the right way to treat a sick old lady?

This is a difficult time for you. I personally wouldn't expect a teenager not to be upset and angry about having his/her home taken over by illness. But I think you'll feel better about it if you try to take part by helping your family instead of rejecting them and believing that they're doing all this to spite you. They can care about your grandmother AND about you, you know. It's not either/or.
(7)
Report

I get it, my Grandmother came to live with us from Wales UK, when I was about 11, and she was a Spoiled Princess which only got worse when she developed Dementia.

While my Dad (her Son) made it specifically clear to her that my Mom came first in his life, me and my sibllngs came second, and she a distant third, her spoiled personality clashed at times with my Mom's, making it extremely difficult sometimes.

She would throw temper tantrums, stomp off to her room, and give us all the silent treatment, thank God she did not cook, as she was very lazy, which put and enormous amount of pressure on my Mom, who often had to bite her tongue, respect our elders and all.

Eventually her Dementia got the best of her, becoming way too much for my parents to manage, and she went to live in a Nursing Home when I was about 19.

It was so hard on my poor old Mom, and as a kid I just did not comprehend how difficult it really was until I was older, so my suggestion for you is to talk calmly and with understanding to your own Mother, perhaps there are ways in which you two can bond over the experience, and to carve out time to do special things together. After All, your Mom is Stressed out too, and she is doing her best in a situation that is less than ideal, believe me, she knows it.

As for Grandma, try to communicate with her in ways rhat arw mutually benificial, as others have mentioned, learn about her life as a young girl, your heritage, and teach her about what you are into, and also nicely chat with her about how you like to keep your personal belongings, well Personal! But you've got to be respectful too, she is living in a different time, a whole new and different country, and she probably doesn't know a sole outside of your immediate family, so think of what she has been through in life (probably a Lot), and what she had to give up to come to another country, plus she is dealing with a pretty serious disease process and she probably does not feel that great a lot of the time. Someday you will look back on this experience in a whole different way, but for now, try to make the best of it, as the situation is unlikey to be changing anytime soon.
(3)
Report

Last I knew no one could come into the USA with an active disease especially Tuberculosis (TB). She may have the disease but it won't spread. Believe me if it was contagious she would not have been able to get into this country! The CDC & Our Government don't take this lightly.

Love your family. Yes, this is hard and right now you think this sucks, but trust me this time you have with them will be gone in a flash. For all you know one day you could look around and not have a family anymore. The things you hate today will be the things you miss later!

Take this time to learn about your family history. One of the greats gifts my dad gave me was the history of my Irish family. Unlike you my grandparents were gone before I came here, but my dad told me about his parents right down to their kooky behaviors. I even have my grandfather's coffee pot that he made coffee with.

Learn from them and try to have compassion for grandma, she is really probably looking and touching your things because she is curious about them. So just ask her questions or tell her about them. Talk to her about your life...you don't have to get real personal...just about school or what is hip in today's world. I use to get my dad say some of the funniest things when I was your age. As one person stated "it's a smaller window than you imaging!"

Just try to look at the situation different!
(3)
Report

You sound like a spoiled American. In just one generation. Or maybe you are in another country. We probably dont have a lock on overindulged kids. But I do understand that mothers who begin to act like scared children around their parents instead of your doting parent can be difficult to take.
But cut your mom some slack. She loves you both.
your grandma has had to leave her home. She has been ill. Ill enough to lose her hair.
She is giving you what she has to offer. Her cooking. I promise you that once you leave home and look back on this time you will see it all differently. You would not have life without her. She has a lot to teach you. Don’t miss this opportunity. It’s a smaller window than you can imagine.
I know it’s hard. Dig deep. She gave you strength. You can do it. You are not a shallow child. You are hurt and angry but well loved by two generations. You must be special. Count your blessings.
It will be better tomorrow.
(3)
Report

How old are you? Is grandmom being treated for her Tuberculosis. Can't believe she was able to be veted. Surprised she was allowed in the US.
(3)
Report

Start a Discussion

Subscribe to
Our Newsletter