I feel your pain. I grew up with addiction in my family. My oldest brother died with liver issues. It’s terribly sad. He knew that he would not live to be an old man. He died shortly before turning 70.
It is painful and confusing living with an addict. I desperately tried to help my brother. I am fully aware that it is a disease and I absolutely loved and was a caregiver for my brother. I had enormous compassion for him. Still, that doesn’t take away the pain of dealing with their addiction day in and day out.
I sought support from Al-Anon and from a therapist. I ended up having to cut my brother off in order to save my own sanity. Things got worse, before getting better. He became homeless for awhile. A man took pity on him and near the end of his life he took my brother to a hospice house where he died peacefully. We made peace before his death. I completely forgave him for the hurt that he caused me due to his addiction. Deep inside of him. he had a good heart and there were many times that I longed for the big brother that I had before his addiction, who was kind and loving.
It’s complicated, isn’t it? All of us have our own individual circumstances. Do what you feel is best for your situation.
Take care. Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life.
Mom is codependent and in denial. Her husband (my dad) isn't "really" an alcoholic, not "really" addicted. They are both 92 and in independent living with some services for her (bathing and dressing). She has Parkinson's and is so weak and unstable we are talking about a wheelchair instead of her walker. Dad, early stages of Alzheimers/dementia (only diagnosed as mild cognitive decline) is still her major caretaker during the day, and at night when she's up to go to the bathroom. After a major disruptive episode six months ago, when the staff had to be called at 2am to get him calmed down and into bed, he was forced (by all of us) to stop drinking altogether, but has gradually increased his nightly wine intake. Had a zoom conference with his doctor, in which she reminded him of the interactions between alcohol and the Prozac and Trazodone he's taking. Neither parent remembers that conversation. Now he argues that the one glass/night that the dining service will give him ($4/glass shows up on their monthly bill) is not enough and he wants me to take him to the grocery story to buy his own bottle. We argued about it last week and I told him I would not take him. (He doesn't drive and would get lost walking to and from the grocery store.) But he managed to pick it up and pay for it when we were there for other necessities. I had a heart-to-heart with mom yesterday. Said I was mostly concerned about his ability to care for her after he'd been drinking. She pooh-poohed that. She thinks she's fine. We raised the possibility that they might need to move to a facility with more services for her, but it will be hard-impossible finding something that suits them both. He's campaigning to get back to the grocery store. (Could be funny - he will never admit that's his mission - blames it on my mom needing more "pee pads.")
After a lifetime (67 years!) of dealing with his drinking, managing him best I can (he sometimes listens to me, which makes me the family problem solver), and listening to her denial/excuses one minute, while turning to me in the next minute to fix her problems - I am worn out. I am as frustrated with her for playing the martyr role her whole life as I am with him for his manipulation and duplicity.
Thanks for reading. I've read the other comments and I realize Al-Anon is maybe the next place for me, too.
Don’t let your dad bully you. As his Alzheimers gets worse, he will start to get more aggressive and demanding. Ask the doctor for some meds to take care of the aggression, lying and manipulation, when it starts. Take control and take the wine away. My dad was super difficult and got very belligerent when I took his credit cards, money, checks and forwarded his mail to my address. He wanted full control, but he was getting in trouble. Predators were starting to target him and it was getting unsafe. His neighborhood is now full of drug addicts. Two of them followed him home from the grocery store. That was the last straw. I now have cameras everywhere and I care for him full-time, until I can place him. He smokes making it difficult. He has dug in his heels and will not leave his house. My father is also an alcoholic. He will deny it, but he has 6 DUI’s. Time for tough love. He will get over it. My father did. You deserve to have less stress and alcohol is the worst, especially when your parent has dementia and has narcissistic tendencies. So much can go wrong, and worrying will kill you. You need to take care of you. The way to do that is to take away all sources that can enable your dad to get in trouble snd cause unneeded trauma for you. My father is 91.5 yrs old, and this generation is particularly stubborn. I’m so sorry you’ve grown up with an addict. I completely understand, as I grew up with one as well. There is no reasoning with an addict, as we know, and the stakes get higher as they age. So much can go wrong. Take his money away, if that’s possible. I promise you, you will feel a sense of relief, when you go to the store. I’m sorry. You are a wonderful daughter. Tell the grocery store where you shop that he has dementia and is not allowed to purchase alcohol. They will help you. Tell them his meds and alcohol could kill him. They will not sell it to him.
It is painful and confusing living with an addict. I desperately tried to help my brother. I am fully aware that it is a disease and I absolutely loved and was a caregiver for my brother. I had enormous compassion for him. Still, that doesn’t take away the pain of dealing with their addiction day in and day out.
I sought support from Al-Anon and from a therapist. I ended up having to cut my brother off in order to save my own sanity. Things got worse, before getting better. He became homeless for awhile. A man took pity on him and near the end of his life he took my brother to a hospice house where he died peacefully. We made peace before his death. I completely forgave him for the hurt that he caused me due to his addiction. Deep inside of him. he had a good heart and there were many times that I longed for the big brother that I had before his addiction, who was kind and loving.
It’s complicated, isn’t it? All of us have our own individual circumstances. Do what you feel is best for your situation.
Take care. Wishing you peace during this challenging time in your life.
After a lifetime (67 years!) of dealing with his drinking, managing him best I can (he sometimes listens to me, which makes me the family problem solver), and listening to her denial/excuses one minute, while turning to me in the next minute to fix her problems - I am worn out. I am as frustrated with her for playing the martyr role her whole life as I am with him for his manipulation and duplicity.
Thanks for reading. I've read the other comments and I realize Al-Anon is maybe the next place for me, too.
Groceries can be ordered & delivered to the IL, yes? Oops.. forgot the wine.. but lucky you, some bottles of pomegranate juice made it in the cart.
What does the Godfather have on her Laundry List for you to do this week?