My ILs have had 24/7 care since 2020. During days when there are appointments, DIL is there. At every other time, they have an indy.
DIL would say to us, "Oh, I can take care of two people no problem!" But short of taking them both in their wheelchairs, she'd just leave the one while she was gone. She's been paid $70K a year since 2020 for driving them, supervising their housekeepers/gardeners, and meal prep.
Last week FIL fell so now the emphasis is to watch him while mom has her near-daily appointments. Which now are blowing up my SO's weekends, which are Tuesday and Wednesday.
He's not getting paid, unlike the Brother's Wife. We are devolving back into 2020 where she (the mom) just whines for more and more, oh such a great help. Blah. You guys set up your 24/7 care originally because of falls and for going on two years you've known another person would have to be necessary. But you see him as free labor, don't you ILs. You didn't even offer to slip him a couple hundred for going over there with his work van to provide you $1K worth of service that you'd be in line for.
Oh no, you just think everything is free. You're the one sitting not only on your nest egg, but one that goes back to Daughters of the American Revolution. You think your spouse is your whole world; I feel that way too, but in our case we really are as there's no relatively poor children to mooch services off of.
If SO is going to insist on consuming his weekend with mommy visits, that's the only time I have with him. If he lives with them, he already knows I am out.
SO went over there and tried to get dad up. He refused to get up. This is SO's personal line, he will not help with the toileting and that is freaking final. As far as anything else he's pointed out that he's spent the last two weekends over with them. But toileting for him, cleaning No. 2, is absolutely not going to happen.
He told them that they need more help, and here's helpful b---ch DIL saying "oh he's been doing so goooood, no problem." Well she has $70K of income to protect here that might have to be spread among other physically stronger and more trained caregivers. And it wouldn't even come to that probably. She could just be the boss of them, which SO will absolutely not allow the Brother's Wife to do to him.
The whole narrative about why they need more help now is frankly bunk and so are some of the stories he gets from them.
Today, it was supposed to be a doctors appointment. Some labs. Well now it's some full outpatient surgery. Now apparently he has gotten "order-suggestions" from these Senior Brats that he needs to be around even more for free now. Oh, he has a job but he can't get fired for FMLA now. He won't be making any money however and it's mostly on commission so NO MOM NO.
What is all this for today? The paid DIL loves the excuse of "going to the store for a minute" which is hours because she goes home. Even if she's physically there, FIL won't let her physically hold him up while he urinates. And when he passed out, causing SO to now have to take Mommy, it was when he was standing and trying to urinate.
hug!!
i don't know the solution. i'm writing only to send you my compassion.
things can get so frustrating, angering...
i hope things straighten out soon!!
in my case, when there were very upsetting things with family members, the solution was to get rid of 1 big problem at a time.
some personalities will always conflict with each other, because some people have very different values:
...more selfish/less selfish
...exploitative/would never exploit
...thinks of others/doesn't
in my case, some problems are out of my hands.
then: i focus on me. on my life. on my things.
hug!!
bundle of joy
It isn't so much an inlaw problem here as it is a soon to be/maybe not hubby problem. And you DO seem to know that with your last sentence being what it is. I think you will need to come to an understanding, or be willing to move on, and that is in no way so simple as it sounds.
I can only wish you great good luck. You sound like you are ready to explode behind all this. Hope you'll update after you have a good long discussion. Make your position clear. Do it gently when you are in a good mood. See a professional if you need to in order to have a sort of "mediator" there.
Best of luck PeggySue.