He will not allow me to attend any appointments as he has become distant He no longer speaks to me and has begun having aggressive outbursts. This came in suddenly after what they suspect was a minor stroke in January after getting double vision. He has no apathy and has taken to exercising at early hours of morning. He has outbursts about the silliest things like no hot dog rolls or putting dog food in fridge or minor things that make no sense. My dr believes it’s vascular dementia. Has take to sleeping on the couch and even talks of splitting. Previous to this for 5years we had a loving relationship but before that we were dealing with his being an alcoholic which he sought help for
First and foremost you are in a truncated marathon with your husband's progressive impairment. You *must* make protecting and taking care of your own self a priority, because if something happens to you -- who will take care of you or your husband? You always need to put your own oxygen mask on first.
More context of your situation will be helpful:
Does your husband have a PoA (you or an adult child)? If so, this person needs to read the document to see what triggers their authority. It's usually 1 official diagnosis of sufficient impairment by a doctor. Then this person (assuming they have both medical and financial PoA) needs to begin to discretely start managing your husband's affairs before he does some unthinkable things (like falling victim to a financial scam, or becoming physically violent). As his wife I'm assuming you know what your shared assets and investments are and how to access them. You need to figure out how to take over paying all the bills. Etc.
As others have suggested, he should not be going to his doctor appointments unaccompanied and he probably should not be driving, given his outbursts of rage. You may have to create a medical portal for him and communicate with his doctors through it. If he has passwords to online accounts you will need to find these and make sure he doesn't change them or forget them.
He needs meds for his agitation. You must go to the November appointment with him. Ask for the HIPAA Medical Representative form and have him put your name on it so you can discuss his private medical information with his doctor without further permission from him or the need for him to be present. THis is different than a MPoA.
There will be a lot to put into place, so eat the elephans one bite at a time. Make a checklist and do at least 1 thing every day. If you have any family members who can support you, or you can support his PoA, then do this for sure.
Ask all questions here on this forum and try to keep them all in this same thread. Remember to do lots of self care. And if he gets aggressive with you, even verbally, call 911 and see if they can do a "5150" or "Baker Act" hold on him (an involuntary psych hold).
We are here for you!
And if your husband has any of the dementias he should NOT be driving himself to any of his doctors appointments. In fact he shouldn't be driving anymore at all. Period, end of sentence.
Please contact his doctor(s) before any upcoming appointments either via the patient portal or by note to let them know exactly what is going on with him.
And if your husband gets violent or threatens you in any please don't hesitate to call 911.
Your husband needs help and he will only get worse. Please take care of yourself and protect yourself.