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My husband is in a memory care because he became violent and sexually assaulted me to the point I had to go to a shelter. He has now moved into a lady's room, who also has dementia. Clothes, toothbrush,shavers and all. They are sexually active.I am afraid he will hurt her like he hurt me. I am so upset, but I am afraid to say anything because they may throw him out. This is totally against our religion. I still love my husband so this is very hurtful. I am not sure whether to report this to elder care or get an elder care lawyer. The administrator of the home and staff think this is just fine. I’m sorry but I don’t feel that way. I can’t bring him back home because he is so abusive verbally, sexually and at times I feared for my life. I don’t know what to do I need help.

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I think you have been thru enough and should distance yourself.
First, you don’t know all the facts.
Secondly, facility is responsible for him.
It is unfortunate if this is ignored and should not happen, but, it is beyond your control.
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@Daphne

Come talk to me after you get 25 years of hands-on caregiving experience with elderly, handicapped, and hospice. Then open your own homecare business and we'll talk who's qualified, as equals. You're running your posting mouth like you know what you're talking about. Clearly you don't. Until then consider pounding sand because you are clueless. Have a nice day.
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@Frank1776

Having sex with a man or woman who cannot give consent is a crime. Whether it is a natural human activity is besides the point. Please don't try to make the sexual predator's argument here because you will get ripped a new one.
A person in a memory care facility has dementia to the point where they have to be institutionalized. They cannot give consent to have sex or give consent for anything else. No person in memory care put theselves there. That decision was made for them because they cannot make it for themselves. They can't give sexual consent either.
Having sex with a person in memory care is the same as having sex with someone in a coma. Or a child. Or someone intellectually disabled whose mental limitations will prevent their minds from ever progressing past childhood. None of these people can give consent.
What is going on at the memory care the OP's husband is in is a crime. It is sexual assault.
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I am brand new here. Disagreeing with others opinions is just fine with me. But attacking a poster personally is, to me, unacceptable. Personally, I do not need any more aggravation in my life. If this sort of thing is a regular happening here I'll simply log off for good.
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Sex is a normal activity. Normally, having sex with a woman not his wife would be considered a sin. But, if he doesn't know fully what he is doing, I believe he can be forgiven. As long as he does not get violent with his new partner, I believe you should leave things as they are. Despite how hard that may be for you.
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I'd contact an elder care lawyer and see what he/she suggests. Just because the administrator of the home thinks it is fine, it may not be fine in the eyes of the law. For your peace of mind, contact an elder care lawyer and from there, evaluate your options.

Best wishes.
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Exactly, Lea

Well said!
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Daphne, nothing at all authorizes you to give 'qualified advice' on this forum, unless you know the OPs DH personally, and have his medical records and any criminal or arrest records that may belong to him as well, along with firsthand knowledge of what's going on in the Memory Care ALF where he resides!

Everyone who comments here is just as entitled as YOU are to comment on a post, 'dear'. BurntCaregiver has 25 years of caregiving experience, which makes her a whole lot more 'qualified' to post comments than most others ! It surely sounds like your 'expertise' in the area of dementia/AD is either extremely limited or entirely non-existent.

Furthermore, when this Memory Care AL chose to take this gentleman into their residence, it's on THEM to monitor his behaviors and take the appropriate action SHOULD there be any need to. It's not the wife's job to do anything at this point, since she's put the DHs care and management in the ALs hands now. Do you think if this gentleman was causing problems for a female resident, the MC or HER FAMILY would not raise the roof?? Come on!

Like NeedHelpWithMom said, this whole post is questionable in the first place!
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I posted earlier. I just want to say that this entire posting is questionable.

Nevertheless, this is a ‘public’ forum. Anyone can choose to respond or not respond if they wish to. If someone is not interested in a topic or bothered by it, by all means, skip over the thread. No one will care. You are not obligated to participate in every posting. Choose topics that are of interest to you.

Why should anyone think that they are correct in criticizing every aspect of what other posters say? Everyone is entitled to his or her opinions. We are not meant to be carbon copies of each other. If you do disagree, please do so respectfully.

It is disturbing to see this type of thing on a ‘caregiver’ forum. People come here for help.

Most people who respond with replies genuinely care about those that are inquiring about their circumstances.

The same applies if a poster posts on the same topic more than once. There aren’t any rules saying that isn’t allowed. We don’t know what their ‘current’ situation is. Give them a chance to discuss it further before jumping to conclusions.

Issues don’t go away overnight. It takes time to work through difficult situations.
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Daphne, you are very new on the site, and you are making very strong (and long) judgements about OP and all the other responders. Let’s hope that you think better of it, for a while at least.
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Burnt. Don’t comment if you “…don’t understand…” as it does not help anyone if you don’t understand what the poster is saying. You can’t give qualified advise.

She made it quite clear. Her husband is a criminal predator- not her words but his actions say this under any reasonable person standard. So really it’s very clear if he assaults women. If you wish to know a qualified answer, read mine below.

Good luck to you in your future endeavors dear.
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Your husband is a CRIMINAL PREDATOR against women per your own description. There is no confusion, no way not to see and understand that based on your post based on reasonable and prudent personal standard.

He is a criminal. Merely bc someone has “memory” issues doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what is right and wrong esp if he has been doing this BEFORE he has memeroy issues.

And having memory issues doesn’t give him the right to sexually assault, verbally assault, and physically assault women who don’t know his violent and illegal past and who have NO RIGHT to CONSENT to him given their own medical mental health issues.

The answer should be easy if you weren’t in the situation to you. . He’s a criminal who abuses and violates women. You have a duty to notify not only the 1) facility but also 2) local law endowment agency and 3) the local Elder Abuse Unit, 4) If you are medical POA tell his doctor and ask that he be given meds to calm and disrupt his sexual feelings due to his assaulting women.

if you were assaulted by a man like this when you were later in a elderly facility and knew it may not have occurred if the facility knew and watched him around women, you would have wanted someone to help you so it never happened. So give this to all women. Report him immediately.

You can also be sued civilly for NOT reporting these groups, because you are knowingly putting ALL WOMEN in harms way-contributing negligence-lack of duty to care of rational person.

Protect yourself and protect his future victims by notifying all three of above entities immediately. There is no justification not to strenuously report how he is a PREDATOR.

YOU, as his prior victim, MUST be strong, courageous and buck-up and act with respect for women and to avoid loosing any inheritance he leaves you when they find out you knew. You have the power to save future violent assaults, sexual assaults, verbal assaults.

You are torn not, because you love him, but, bc you want him to love you back. He cannot love if this is the type of man you say. Do NOT make excuses for him. Do NOT enable him to commit these additional felony criminal offenses.

If you have to ask if you should report him, then you know you should and to the facility, the local Elder Abuse govt agency and to local law enforcemt. These four or so different things to protect victims and his perennial victims.

You will feel relief, peace, and a sense of self-respect, not fear, if you notify these three groups to protect women. You will feel empowered and proud of yourself for helping society and women. Stop protecting the criminal.

I know it’s difficult with conflicting feelings. That is normal. But it’s your time to shine and do what is safe and morally and legally proper to protect these women who are sitting ducks if you don’t report him.

Good luck to you. I’m so happy for you when you report his assault past. You will have weight off your chest to protect yourself and all the future victims of him.

Your prior love will always remain. Cherish that but he is not man you loved. He changed. He’s a violent criminal predator and will always be taken care of by the govt. Put your assets in your own trust, so he doesn’t use up money you need to support yourself one day.

You are kind, strong and positively powerful unlike him. Do what is right so you feel the best about yourself. Just do it.

You are powerful and strong advocate for yourself and other women. Thank you for asking this. You help other women as well.

May weight of world be off you now. You are a victim. But not anymore. Be at peace in knowing we all think you are strong and caring.
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Excuse me, but what Memory Care staff would be unaware that a male resident moved out of his room entirely and into a female residents room, lock stock and barrel? To the tune that YOU would have to inform THEM of this "sacreligious" act that's going on under THEIR noses???

Nope. Sorry. More than 50% of the story is missing here, and the rest of it is fishy, including that your husband has "8 types of Alzheimer's". There is obvious confusion going on here.

Where are you getting your "facts" from about what's going on in the Memory Care ?

The Memory Care either knows about this and is fine with it and YOU want them to say it's not okay, or your husband did not move into anyone's room and is not hurting anyone. Were he causing disruption and acting violent, the facility would take action, trust me on that.

It's no longer up to you to manage his life or behaviors, it's up to the staff at the facility to do that. Once you placed him, you put his care in their hands. Because he was mistreating you at home does not automatically mean he's mistreating others now.

Religion needs to be removed from the picture here bc your husband is suffering from Alzheimer's which means all bets are OFF. Try to go about your own life now and leave him to his, be it what it may. File for divorce if all of this is going to drive you to distraction. Applying rules of normalcy to an abnormal situation won't help you or your husband, so ask yourself what you're going to do to accept his life as it is NOW? That would be your best bet. What can a lawyer do for you except file papers for divorce? Lawyers are not hired to address morality situations!

Keep in mind that you weren't happy or content with your husband at home, that wasn't working out. Now you're not happy or content with your husband in Memory Care. In a perfect world, he wouldn't have Alzheimer's but this isn't a perfect world and he does. Accept it and decide if you want to stay married or get divorced. In reality, everyone loses when dementia is in the picture.

For what its worth, if the memory care determines your husband is becoming violent or too sexually aggressive, his doctor will need to be contacted to prescribe Medication to calm him down. I'm sure you'll be promptly notified IF there is a problem that requires your intervention.

Wishing you the best of luck
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I can only guess that perhaps the "8 types of Alzheimer's" is a typo on the OP's part, because Alzheimer's itself is just one of the many dementias and is a form of dementia.
I have heard of folks having 2 different types of dementia, but never 8. I would find a different neurologist if that is in fact what they diagnosed him with as that really is unheard of and not right.
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Daughter,

I found that to be puzzling too!
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Profile says husband has eight types of Alzheimer’s? Anyone got an explanation on that?
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When I responded earlier to this post, I honestly didn’t know what to think because it seemed so strange.

She’s obviously upset about everything and her posting has random thoughts throughout it. Reading her profile doesn’t help all that much either. If anything it added to the confusion.

It was difficult to read because I find it truly disturbing for all involved.

I hope the OP will clarify the confusion.

I read through the replies and I have questions. I like what JoAnn mentioned about having separate living quarters for men and women. Is this not generally done in memory care?

It seems like separate areas for men and women would help to eliminate situations like this from occurring.

If the wife would have told the memory care of her assault would he not have been accepted into the facility? Or could she have requested that a chemical castration be done like Burnt brought up?

Can the facility throw him out immediately if she mentions her incident and what she is claiming with the other resident? The other woman certainly needs protection. He can’t go home to his wife either so this is tough.
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I've never heard of a memory care facility allowing people of the opposite sex to share a room together unless they are married. Are you sure that he's actually sharing a room with her or is he just visiting her on a regular basis?
I'm sorry that you were assaulted by your husband and am glad you took the steps to have him placed. You must remember that his brain is now broken and he can't be held responsible for his actions anymore. That's the sad truth of it, and religion or not, the man you married is no longer the man he is.
And if he is enjoying the company of another woman,(including sexually)you must make peace with that, and remember it's the disease not your husband. I'm sure it's hard, but there are just some things out of our control and I believe this is one of them.
You may want to watch some of Teepa Snows videos on YouTube about this subject, and educate yourself as much as possible about this horrible disease called dementia, so you can be at peace with what is happening in your husbands world. He can no longer live in your world. You must now live in his.
And if the memory care facility is in fact allowing them to live in the same room, I guess you always have the option of moving him to another facility.
I wish you well as you continue on this journey with your husband.
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We just had a thread about this. As I said in that thread, it happens. My daughter has seen a couple think they are married and to part them becomes a fight. So, they just let them be and...they have spouses who visit.

They are residents not patients. Even though they have Dementia, they have rights by law. If husband has moved in with this woman, they must think they are a couple. I really see your point but I don't know if the MC has any say in the matter legally. Do I think its right, no, but its what it is. If the State law says there is nothing the MC can do, there is nothing they can do.

I agree that telling the DON that he is aggressive may mean him being kicked out. Religion wise, the man's mind is broken. I really don't think God would hold this against him. He may be in a part of his life where he isn't even married. My Mom forgot about my Dad and that she had any kids. When asked about her kids (and I was standing there) Mom got indignant and said "I don't have any kids".
I really feel they go back in time. The longterm goes too.

I am so sorry. With Dementia of any kind, you lose who that person was. Your husband has no idea what he is doing is wrong. His mind is just a jumble of thoughts. He attacking you was not him, it was the ALZ destroying his brain.

It was brought up in the last thread, why do they not have men and women wings. Keeping them separated which is a good idea and why it hasn't been done is a good question.
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I believe you have a duty to report what he did to you to the MC staff and get him moved somewhere else. They can help you find a better facility for his issues.

I'm going to try to stay civil here, but are you telling us that reporting him is against your religion or is it the adultery? Either way, your hesitation to act when an innocent party could be badly injured or worse is appalling.

Any religion that would condone your lack of action to protect your fellow human is...I won't say it.
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I agree burnt that the facility is derelict in their duty.

I still read it as sex with someone besides her. It's the entire post that makes me read it this way.

Maybe it is defying her husband, she will have to clarify that.
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@Isthisrealyreal

"I am so upset, but I am afraid to say anything because they may throw him out. This is totally against our religion."

To me this reads as it's against their religion for her to defy her husband by reporting on his doings in the memory care. The man is in a memory care because he's out of his mind with dementia. Does the fornicating being a sin nonsense really count when a person is out of it and unable to reason and make decisions rationally for themselves?

Their religion really isn't the important part here. The female residents of the memory care are being put at risk because a demented sexual predator is among them and no one is keeping them safe.
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Burnt, him fornicating with another woman is against their religion is how I read it.
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Are you your husband's medical POA? Do you make his healthcare decisions?
If you are then you can have his doctor give him medications that will kill any and all sexual desire. It is basically chemical castration.
I'm going to assume that you're telling the truth here. Why would a memory care facility allow such behavior? Of course we all know that really the number one priority of these places is their profits. The potential for lawsuits with this going on? They will put a stop to it. As Geaton777 says these aren't consenting adults. They are in memory care because they are mentally incompetent from dementia. They cannot make decisions themselves anymore.
If you are legally in charge of your husband then you can have him moved to a different memory care facility.
Make an appointment with the administrator of the facility he is in. Tell them you know what's going on and will be speaking to a lawyer (and the new "girlfriend's" family if she has any) unless he starts receiving a medication regiment to supress sexual desire.
The mention of a lawyer usually gets care facility people moving.
Then make a call to APS. Tell them what's going on in this memory care facility. That one of their residents is a violent sexual predator (your husband) and all of the female residents are in danger because of him. Also let them know that the facility does absolutely nothing about it. They will act at once.
What part of preventing rape and sexual abuse of yourself and others is against your religion? Honestly, I almost threw up in my coffee when I read this. I'd say if your religion is fine with violent sexual abuse and puts you in the wrong for trying to prevent it, then I'd find another religion. Actually, I did find another religion but for entirely different reasons.
Please take the actions I have named here for you and at least try to do something about your husband. The woman whose room he now lives in and all the other female residents in the memory care should not be living in danger and they are.
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If there is legal proof that your husband assaulted you, and he is actually doing what you describe, then I would take that to the facility admins and make sure that the other resident is protected from him. They are not 2 consenting adults... they are cognitively compromised and longer making sound decisions in their own best interests. You could also consider speaking with an ombudsman. If I were the family of the other resident I would be outraged.
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I’m not quite sure that I understand the details of your post.

I am so sorry that your husband has advanced Alzheimer’s disease. You did the right thing by placing him in a facility. I am truly sorry that he became violent with you.

You say that your husband is in memory care. What did the staff initially tell you about the residents living arrangements?

Are you saying that after you placed your husband in a facility that they have allowed him to move into another woman’s room? Or does he just visit her in her room?

How do you know that this is occurring? Did he tell you this? Did the woman tell you this?

How often do you visit him?

In your profile you also say that your daughters don’t believe that he became violent. Why do you think they don’t believe you?

Please share a bit more information with us.

I realize that you feel like it is your responsibility to alert the facility about his behavior. I would feel this way also if another resident at the facility is in danger.

What exactly has the facility shared with you about his activity? What have you shared with them regarding his overall behavior? Has there been any changes in medications since he has entered the facility?

I wish you the very best and hope that you can resolve this matter quickly.
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