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I am beyond grossed out!!


He has seriously high blood pressure, both kidneys are shot and a very weak heart. Throw in the sleep apnea, gout and high cholesterol and you have a perfect recipe for disaster. He stopped taking all meds over 7 months ago. Declaring himself feeling great and that nothing is wrong with him.


He refuses to go to the doc, bathes infrequently, wears the same filthy outfit for weeks and we have not had marital relations for close to 6 years.


If I say anything...I am told I am crazy and I am making a mountain out of a molehill.


I am feeling resentful now because he refuses to get help and I am the one who is stressed out while he is perfectly content to watch the television all day. He doesn't speak to me but will chat for hours with his friends!


I feel like packing and leaving. We have been married for 11 years and did not have much of a married life before his odd behaviour started.


PS....he has not been officially diagnosed with dementia.

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You said

"He has seriously high blood pressure, both kidneys are shot and a very weak heart. Throw in the sleep apnea, gout and high cholesterol and you have a perfect recipe for disaster."

I found this

"Uncontrolled high blood pressure causes mental decline in elderly patients. ... Mental decline was so substantial in some patients, they were at high risk for developing dementia, which can be an early symptom of Alzheimer's disease."

And this

"A common symptom of kidney failure is delirium . This is a mental state that's marked by confusion and restlessness. It develops because the toxins that are accumulating are affecting the brain."

Throw in a weak heart that can't pump blood thru his body so no oxygen getting to the brain and you have a man who may not live much longer. If he winds up in the hospital then rehab have him evaluated for a NH. Apply for Medicaid. You will be left with money to live. He will have 3 meals a day, Be clean and cared for. NHs have their own doctors. All supplies and toiletries are provided. They do the laundry. He will get a Personal Needs Fund from his SS. About $50 a month that can be used for personal needs. Clothing, snacks, cigs, etc. Then you can have a life.
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Can you get him an appt with a different doctor? Call a different PCP in your area, explain the situation and that your hubby is doing things that don't make sense and you are worried about his mental state. Then tell hubs that since he didn't like the other doctor, you helped him get an appt on (whatever day and time) with the new one.

I sense that you do care about this man, or you wouldn't have stayed and put up with this as long as you have. It sounds like you are just beyond burned out and aggravated. If he does have dementia though, keep in mind that he is probably not cognizant that some of the things he is doing are out of the ordinary.

If he refuses to see the doctor, I would look into whether a Baker Act would be possible to admit him to a geriatric psych facility on the grounds that he is a danger to himself due to non-compliance with life-saving meds, hygiene issues, and possible depression (could be why he sits in front of the TV all day).
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Thanks for all the comments. However, the problem is his doctor told me that he will NOT do anything unless I come in with hubby and state what the problem is in front of him. I already explained to the doc that I can't do that and he literally brushed me off. So fast forward hubby has decided that he doesn't like the doctor and he is getting a new one..this has yet to happen.
His breathing is so bad that if I am in the bathroom with the door closed I can hear the sounds. He claims he is a naturally heavy breather... yeah right. I can't help wishing that the fact he is off his meds he will just go quickly. I just can't take it. The sum total of his day is to watch all his favorite programmes on the TV. This is a highly educated man who was very vibrant and athletic but now is practically bed bound ( by choice). There are some mornings when I go to the bathroom and the garbage is placed in the bathtub or in the refrigerator.
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You've talked to a doctor. Now talk to a lawyer. While we usually advise caregivers to see Elder Law attorneys, in this case I'm talking about a lawyer who handles separations and divorce.
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Could you go ahead and go with your hubby for the testing, and write a note to and call the doc he is referred to ahead of time so that he/she is aware of the issues? Explain that saying all of this in front of hubby upsets him, so you are calling/writing it down. That way, you can just refer to the note and explain in front of hubby that his primary doc has asked for some tests.

It definitely sounds like he has some cognitive or mental issues, or both. Not to mention the physical issues with his BP, kidneys, etc. you mentioned.

You won't necessarily have to become his F/T caregiver if the worst is confirmed. It may be possible that he needs AL or skilled nursing facility care. However, the first step is to get the correct medical diagnosis so that you can figure out how best to help him.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are really stressed and burned out, and I don't blame you, it would be hard to live with for anyone. Hopefully you can get some answers.
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So you were only married three years before your prince charming turned into an ugly toad? I think you need to work on your self esteem, this has been going on far too long to label it dementia (although it is almost certainly some other mental illness). I can see no reason to continue to chain yourself to this kind of life.
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cwillie.....this has been going on for about 8 years and only gets worst. At times he will go without a bath up to 20 days and the body odor can be ferocious!!!
Right now he's been wearing the same sweats for weeks, day and nights. When he wants to walk around in the neighborhood, he just drags on a shirt over the whole thing and off he goes, pleased as punch. Spoke to his doc and first response was Alzheimers. Doc refuses to send him for testing unless I sit with him and state what the problem is in front of hubby...yeah right! I'm the one who has to go home with him.
I am hoping he will fall or something so I will be "forced" to call the ambulance and they will cart him away. I swear I would change the locks after.
I feel cheated, resentful and don't want to be thrust in the role of his caregiver if the worst comes because we never had much of a marriage from the get go.
Btw...his mother had Alzheimer's.
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That's rough. I have no advice except to say I wouldn't stick with this guy, as it doesn't sound much like a marriage. You can't control what he does, you can only control what you do.

If he does have some sort of "incident" that causes him to go to the hospital, at that point you could have them do some testing for dementia. Until then, you need to take care of yourself. And I personally would do that by leaving, or having him leave. If there is no problem (as he says) then he can take care of himself.

But contact a lawyer first, so you know your rights.
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Is this kind of thing new, are you worried he has dementia?
My knee jerk response is to tell you to get out, this is no marriage worth preserving, there is neither love or respect or physical intimacy. Anyway, I'm just answering to bring your post up to the top of the forum where hopefully others will see it and offer advice.
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