I have a friend whose parents are divorced and live far apart from each other and far from her. Both in their late 80s.
Her dad remarried and his wife is in charge of medical decisions. He has dementia and really bad skin melanomas, especially on his scalp. He’s in a SNF paid by Medicaid. The surgeries on his scalp keep getting infected and he’s had multiple grafts fail.
Her mom has severe osteoporosis. She was living with her partner in his condo, and he got some awful flesh-eating infection and had to have his lower leg amputated. When he was discharged home, she was trying to help him and she fell and fractured a vertebra. It was surgically repaired, she went through rehab, got a C. Diff infection, back to hospital, then again to rehab, home again, fell again, more vertebrae broken, and the drs said there was no point in more surgery. So then another cycle of rehab and discharge, and another fall.
I personally feel like hospice should be considered in at least her dad’s case, and I can’t see how her mom and partner could possibly manage on their own for even a day. My friend keeps hoping that she can somehow find a way to get her mom and partner to a sustainable state at home, which is what they want. I don’t see how this is possible without round the clock or live-in aides. Even then, it seems iffy to me.
My friend’s own financial situation is precarious and she has a disabled husband and an unemployed 20-something child at home. And yet she’s taking time off from work and spending a lot flying there repeatedly to try to help her mom.
I have previously asked questions about her mom’s DPOA and health care proxy and if her mom owns any property and also where my friend’s sibling is in all this. But not gotten any answers. So I will leave it alone.
slo-mo train wreck definitely seems to apply, sadly.
But there is nothing whatsoever you can do to help your friend now, but to support her in her own decisions. And there's no good decision here. There is no good outcome.
Truth is that the ADVICE and the INPUT of others, when you--as is your friend--are under the gun with a plate absolutely heaping full of woe? That advice ADDS to torment and confusion. One person tells you "go to them" and another says "Don't go". It just adds to the stew.
My advice for you personally is.
1. This is awful and going to get worse. C-diff and infections such as flesh eating strep are not easily cured. You can know that, and are right, but your friend is about to lose a whole bunch of folk in the worst way possible. And that's not going to be prevented. It just isn't "your place" to advise. You need to be there more to listen. But let us say in her desperation she says to you "WHAT CAN I DO!!!!"
3. IF you friend asks for your advice I would tell her that she may need to accept that she is helpless in most of this given that these illnesses are life threatening AT BEST. She has caregiving duties she can't leave. Even if she could, then leave for which of the needy households? And to do what, exactly? She isn't trained in Medical or Social Services.
I'd tell her you understand her helplessness desperation, and you're there to listen, but that other THAN listening, there is little either/or both of you together (plus 10 more) could do to help.
These are MEDICAL issues. Social Services issues. Legal issues.
All of these folks are soon going to require skilled nursing facilities, medical care, and legal help to work out that all documents for end of life are in place.
Your friend has a family with needs; she can't do any or all of that.
I'd advise her to stay home and care for herself and her family. To tell social workers to contact APS, the state courts, or whomever they contact when there isn't family who can be present to help.
You as a friend now stands helpless witness to your friend's agony as she stands witness to the woes of so many in her family. We sometimes need reminders that things are not in our control, we aren't gods or even fairies with wands, and not everything is fixable.
Then let this be a one time conversation. You're her friend, but are as powerless here as she is. Neither of you caused this; neither can you fix it. She's going to need a lot of good cries, but do let her also have some laughter and relief, because that's really when a friend is at her best--when she can make you laugh.
Basically let her pour her heart out and let her know how sorry you are. And encourage her to take this a day at a time, and call any time night or day when she needs to talk.
If she's not the PoA for any of those people, she will eventually be limited as to what she can do for them.
It sounds like your friend is doing the very best she can under the circumstances.