My friend who DIDN'T "bother" her children or the rest of us

Thanks to you all for your kindness.

GG, I don't think she would have been able to pull this off if it weren't for COVID. We have been holding services on Zoom and friend would attend with her camera off (as do many) and no one thought anything of it as she was always a bit of a technophobe.

She was indeed a strong, determined woman and will be sorely missed.

I think that people that know where they are going when they leave this pest hole are more likely to accept a terminal diagnosis.

My sister didn't tell anyone until she ended up in the emergency room because her vertebrae were breaking from being eat up with cancer. She believed that God's will would be done and that was that.

Your friend wasn't selfish. I pray that all the people that are reeling from the shock of her death find peace and comfort and come to the understanding that she did what she felt was best for her.

Barb, So sorry to hear your friend died. I have a few close friends and to be honest, one is closest to me and knows everything. Perhaps she was estranged from one? Who knows but estranged child or children don’t deserve to know or for that matter inherit anything. My friends are first on my list! 💕

So sorry to hear your friend died. I have a few close friends and to be honest, one is closest to me and knows everything. Perhaps she was estranged from one? Who knows but estranged child or children don’t deserve to know or for that matter inherit anything. My friends are first on my list! 💕

I don't understand how your friend was able to hide her illness from your close-knit synagogue community. I can understand the family not being aware since they weren't nearby, but the folks she saw every week, I just can't imagine how she managed to pull that off. Your friend must have been a very strong and determined woman.

Just let me add, my siblings don't know how much I resent them. In their minds, we probably have a grand relationship. So they may wonder if they were to found out that I had an illness and didn't tell them.

Nobody knows why people do the things they do. There could be valid reasons why your friend didn't share her news. It's not always a selfish decision.

This is kind of a timely topic for me since I am waiting for my breast biopsy result but I understand both sides.

Just before my mom's 80th B'day she was scheduled for open heart surgery which turned into a triple bypass. I found out cause I was at her place and happened to glance at her calendar where she had written surgery. I was sooo upset and angry at her. She and I were very close. That she would try and withhold that from me just did not sit well with me at all. I mean what if she had died during that surgery? It all turned out well in the end but still.

I am not expecting bad news with my biopsy but in the event that it is I really don't think I'll tell my siblings. But my reasons for this are because I don't have a good relationship with my siblings. I don't feel that it's any of their business and if I were to tell them, knowing them they probably wouldn't come over and surround me with love anyways.

Barb, I'm so sorry for your loss.

No matter what, someone will be clucking their tongue saying what 'should have' been done, right? Your friend did things HER way, God bless her, and spared her children and friends the agony of watching her die or having to travel far distances and/or disrupt their lives to care for her. I hardly think 'selfish' is an accurate way to describe this SELFLESS woman!!

I'm so sorry for your loss, dear Barb. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

I'm very sorry for your loss of a friend so suddenly. I can see both sides as you can too. We should all have a right to do it our way but now her kids (and her friends) are left in shock and wondering if they could have helped and probably feeling guilty on top of feeling grief.

I hope everyone left behind gets peace from this by understanding that it was her choice.

Ah, Barb... condolences. (((((hugs))))) I feel like we have to respect a person's choice around how to handle their own terminal illness. If she had all her mental functioning intact, it's her right to handle things how she saw best. She sounds like an immensely strong individual. 💚

I’m sorry for your loss. Good for her in going out her way, and sad for the opportunities perhaps lost by her choice. We can’t know the whole story. I have a friend whose mother is in her late 70’s now and losing weight at a rapid clip without trying. Size zeros have become way too big. The lady feels doctors are a sham and hasn’t seen one in over forty years. Seems she will leave this world her way also

I’m sorry about your friend, Barb.

I bet she was blessed to have known you in person. You are a wise woman, who is a help to this forum.

May God give you comfort in your grief.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, Barb. (((hugs))).

I can see both sides of the issue. I will say this - my dear BIL who died way too young of lung cancer kept the seriousness of his illness from all of us. I think his biggest reason was while he was going through chemo for lung cancer, my SIL (his wife) was ALSO going through chemo for breast cancer (yes, they were both long time smokers!). My SIL is one of those kinds of people that would have put HER health aside to take care of her husband, and then their three kids (the youngest of whom was 8) would have lost both parents to cancer. So I can understand his refusal to let anyone know how bad his illness had become.

BUT - my husband, to this day, is still upset that his brother went through all of that alone, with no sort of support. I told DH "your brother did not want to put you in the position of having to keep such a terrible secret from everyone - me, his wife and kids, your parents, your other siblings, etc." and he tells me he understands also why BIL made the choice he did; but DH is still haunted by the fact his beloved big brother had to face it alone.

It's a terrible decision to have to make either way. Hopefully, one day we might know a world with no cancer. Probably not in my lifetime, nor my kids, but maybe the next generation.

I suspect this is the way my mother will go. She has a obsessive aversion to asking for help (also a martyr complex). I've even gone at it with her from a biblical perspective that she is robbing others of the "It is better to give than receive" experience by never allowing herself to be a receiver but she's not having it. For the life of me I don't understand why. And sometimes she is not a "cheerful giver" herself, so logically I would think she'd welcome some relief once in awhile, but nope.

It used to be the norm to keep things like breast cancer secret because it was a female issue and somehow disgraceful, I'm glad most of us have move away from that mindset. To me there's a difference between "I did it my way" and what your friend apparently did, she cut off the blessings of her family and community and I find that troubling. I really do get keeping personal business private because I'm that way too, very few are invited into my inner circle - but when I had my cancer scare I forced myself to reach out and what a relief it was to share my fears with people who cared!

What a lonely death. My mother died from metastatic breast cancer. I couldn’t imagine her going thru this alone. There would have been doctor visits, chemo, pain management. How did this poor woman get food in her house or even clean herself.? I don’t know the family dynamics or what plans this lady had in place but what a lonely road she traveled.