Got the call around an hour ago, my FIL has gone to be the Lord. It was not really a surprise, as he has been on hospice around 5 weeks and when he was discharged from the hospital to the nursing home we were told he likely wouldn’t survive by a few months. He wasn’t actively dying as far as we knew though. He did pull his feeding tube out twice in the last 5 days though. I think he was telling us something there.
The irony of it all though. June 1 marks 1 year without my MIL. Really stinks. It sucks. This week has been a week of reflections and reliving final week on earth. A year ago this very week, we knew the end was near but her partner did not tell us that she wasn’t going to live through the weekend. So we were a bit blindsided when we got THE CALL. That Thursday evening, we took the kids to boot barn because the youngest had a “western” theme show at school on Friday morning and it was western day for the whole school and they encouraged the kids to wear western wear. So we went to boot barn and spent $300 on cowboy boots and hats. I tell ya.....had my MIL not been dying, my husband would have never spent that kind of money on Children’s shoes!
We stopped at MILs house for a quick visit. I hadn’t seen her in a week for several reasons. The front curtain was closed so my husband had me stay in the car with the kids. He went inside and her partner came out the car and he was very anxious. He told me that her heart rate was high and her pulse was low and he was now giving her morphine on the hour. I did not know what all of that meant. He told me the nurse hadn’t told him anything. That was a lie. What he did not tell me was that she wasn’t going to make it through the weekend and that she was having cheyne stokes breathing. She was in her final hours, he knew it and he didn’t tell anyone.
The next morning, Friday morning around 7:30, as the kids were getting ready for school, my SIL called with the news that MIL had just passed. We didn’t tell the kids. My husband went to her house. I took the kids to school & then went to my MILs house, not sure if we would make it to my sons performance. the hospice nurse arrived to pronounce MIL dead just as I pulled up to the house. We sat around the living room in a daze for about an hour, crying. Relatives arrived, more crying. And then we went to my sons show and it was awful!! Just awful! I was so glad it was dark and no one could see me crying, lamenting over how my MIL was supposed to be there watching her grandson. Reminiscing on my daughters end of year kinder performance and how we had all gone together—my MIL, her partner, my husband and I. It was awful I couldn’t stand being there and felt such a horrible horrible sadness! I couldn’t get over the fact that my MIL should have been there! It was the first of many events she will miss. the first missed event was the day she died, it was just awful.
Yesterday the school sent out an email about this Friday’s kinder performance and again they encourage us to dress our kids in western wear. It was triggering and I immediately flashed back to last year and the trip to bootbarn, the last visit to MILs while she was alive and that awful Friday morning. And I thought to myself, nope no way. not going to bother with it this year. No western wear, thank you very much. Thank God we don’t have to go through this again this year.
And then shortly before 9pm, we got THE CALL telling us my FIL is no longer with us. You have all sorts of thoughts, when this happens-when a loved one dies. Random thoughts. Dark thoughts. right now I am thinking I am sure glad that we don’t have to sit through any school performances this week. I couldn’t handle it. It is damn hard when someone you love should be there and they aren’t.