My father is demanding we care for him. He doesn't want us to travel, go out at night or leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell family we neglected him.

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Dealing with bad decisions and tantrum-like behavior from my Father Age 86, threats of never talking to us again, telling the family etc. I travel for my job and my wife and I cared for my Mother for 3 years, she went into a nursing home early this year and we planned to move out. BUT now my father (87) is essentially demanding we care for him, do not travel, do not go out at night, do not leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell the family we have neglected him etc. He is on the phone and based on treatment we are getting from relatives it appears we are telling them we are leaching off him etc. He is okay as long as everything he wants is done. I feel absolutely trapped, the potential loss of the property is not an issue, I am succesful etc. it is the guilt and threat of shaming etc.


Whether or not your father has dementia,Alz or is just plain mean, I suggest you try to get the problem under control asap. If I had acted on my mom's threats,nasty attitude and lies, I wouldn't be dealing with lawyers right now since she is suing me, revoked the POA and disinherited me and my kids. I don't care about anything she has or that the things are going to a conniving, cheating paid caregiver. What I do mind is mom accusing me of stealing from her, which I did not, but I've had to prove all of it. Being accused of theft by your own mother is the lowest of the low. She's punishing me, like she has my whole life, I guess because I'm me. She should know I wouldn't steal from her because if she ran out of money I'd have to take her in and that would be the biggest punishment of all time. Oh wait, I think she does know that.
Yeah, mom was okay as long as things went her way, but boy howdy, the trash she talked when they didn't.
Of course, not all moms are like mine . .. thank you Lord. I'm just telling you my story in all of it's ugliness so you can see what CAN happen when actions are slow to come.
Good luck!!
Why is he not in the same nursing home with his wife? I'd say he was ready wouldn't you?
Janes, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry you're going through this. It is so sad to see our elderly parent lose what I call their "good mind" and start to do and say irrational things. ( Obviously some elders stay mentally sharp.) Sometimes it does feel like we are trapped. What can we do? I pray a lot and God has helped me through tough spots with my parents. And it hurts doubly when our reputation or good name is slandered because of our caring for our parents----It reminds of that saying, "No good deed goes unpunished." Just rest assured that you are doing the best you can in your situation.
I have suffered GREATLY at the hand of my ________ mother. And I too, have suffered all of my life. She ALWAYS wanted everything her way. Other than that, life with mother was wonderful, NOT! They definitely needed me, and I took good care of them. Then mother got someone who told her how to work the system, and get her way, without boundaries from me. Then all went to serious hell with her. I am a God-fearing woman, and serve from my heart, but my mother has done nothing but create misery, and lie at my expense, and take horrible advantage of my husband and me. He gave up a lot for me and for her, only to be continuously stabbed in the back. For we have the mother from he...well, you know what I mean. It's all about her, and who cares about anyone else. And she's ALWAYS been like that! Still, she did have a need. I just tried to help, and am still getting punished for it. No matter what, she just wants her way, and doesn't have the morals to do it except at another's expense. She has called the police, and lied about me. She tells doctors and Social Workers false reports just to have her way. WOW! And she's even written letters to judges saying I told her she's going to hell and am not honoring her. The courts and her doctors say she is an "Incapacitated" individual (for a reason). And her NEW (latest greatest) guardian recognizes a problem. The answer? Just give her what she wants. She collects her $$$, and plays mom like a fiddle, and doesn't even pay mom's bills. I am screaming mad at this broken and corrupt system that allows people like my mom to be so irresponsible...because she "wants" to be, and it is her "right." No morals!!! And she will stiff you taxpayers in the end so she can play and waste money foolishly, "because it is her right." I hate the lack of justice in this country. She is going to stop paying on her house, so she can play with the money she's getting from a pension from the state falsely. I am getting ready to turn her in for fraud! It is not only morally wrong, it is sin! And she's trying to say I am the one with the problem. Well, I was her guardian, and God cast out the scorner. Perhaps I should just let God deal with her. Maybe I will. I know he will. I still hate this system. The only ones who like it are the ones who can get something for "nothing," by taking advantage of others. They will lie, steal and cheat to get it, too. I call it evil, because that's exactly what it is. And it costs each and every one of us $$ through our taxes to foot the bill. Believe me, you are paying for my mother's irresponsibility each time you pay your taxes. Sad. I tried to do things responsibly, but mom didn't like it, and had me removed as guardian. Now you are footing the bill. Talk to the courts if you don't believe me. The system is corrupt. And people are getting away with murder (liable and slander) to have their way. Don't you just love mothers like that? Too bad we all have to pay. Sorry. Thanks for letting me vent. Next thing you know, you'll visit me in jail, because mom lies saying I stole things from her I didn't. What a nightmare.
First of all, while you are your dad's adult child, he is wanting to treat you and make you relate to him as if you were a little boy. For your sake, your wife's sake and your dad's sake do not fall into that trap.

Second, you have identified what really has you trapped is the guilt and threat of shaming which is meant to instill fear so you will feel obligated to care for him exclusively to the degree that you in essence become his slave with agreeing not to travel; to not go out at night and to not leave him, etc.

He's set up a very good formula for you to burn out; for your health and your wife's health to get into serious trouble; to possibly even die before he does; and ultimately destroy your marriage, your job, your friends, etc, all of which is totally unreasonable.

I gather he is living in your house. He is abusing you and your wife and you do not need to have an abusive person like that destroying your life when he could go to a nursing home, etc.

While it is not a protect all do all, but I sure hope you have durable and medical POA.

Here's some of my standard action points for something like this.

1. Get yourself some fresh air by seeing if your primary physcian thinks either of you needs an anti-depressent and or anti-anxiety med for probably just this immediate crisis time.

2. I suggest you get some therapy to deal with the guilt, fear and obligation thing your dad is playiing inside your head with.

3. I'd call in a home health nurse to evaluate the situation.

4. I'd get him to his doctor for a full evaluation and talk with the doctor before hand or fax the doctor about your concerns.

5. One thing I'd want to know is does he need some meds that he is not on now.

If home health and the doctor suggest nursing home, then I'd get a certified sitting service to free you up with the time to look for a nursing home. You will need to know his financail assest which includes any long term insurance polocy that he might have.

Has your dad always been controlling like this and been wiling to distortion campaigns like he is doing to you right now. If so, then you might be dealing with a long term personality issue that you did not cause, you can't fix, nor can you control, but you also don't have to be the sacrificail lamb for his abuse. You must find a way for him to get the care and safety he needs, plus get yourselves back on a healthier path than the one you are on right now.

I hope this helps. Keep us posted!

Thanks for the comments. I will read them tonight and provide details etc. when I have more time. I appreciate it, I have tried to shield my wife from dealing with the majority of issues and let her live a normal life apartt from living here. I try not to drag her down with hte daily issues and problems. My Mom has advanced alzheimers and is in a "Memory care" unit, that is why they are apart. Since she left he has changed dramitically and is obsessive with calling people that send mail, bothering relatives, etc. basically he does not appear to know anymore or care that he is effecting other people and taking there time etc. I can handle caring for him but not the negative energy and getting sucked into things that "need" to be done that of course could wait for a weekend etc.
Dear Mr. JVblues,
Sorry for my long vent. As you see, I am struggling with a controlling mother, and I've written enough about that, and didn't need to repost it here. From that example, though, I hope you realize you are not alone. Many of us are dealing with controlling parents. We were taught to follow their lead, but as we grow older, we shatter that false idea, and start setting healthy boundaries. I wasn't familiar with this terminology until coming here. And I am taking notes and listening. Bless you for looking out for your wife, and caring for your folks. Keep you wife's needs and desires above the unreasonable demands and unrealistic expectations of your dad. Sounds like your mom's needs are covered. What is the controlling factor with your dad? Why does he has so much of it over you? It seems if you can identify that, you're well on your way to focusing on what works for your wife and you, and affecting how you handle your father's needs.

I have come to the place where honoring my mother and father means: basic shelter, food, clothing, and medical help as needed. Anything beyond that is not a need, but comfort. We are not guaranteed any of the above, but willing contribute to the happiness of others, when possible. That is going the second mile. Your dad's demands call for you to decide what you will and won't do, and that has to be your decision. Tantrums from adults aren't very dignified, are they? As any child who demands their way, there needs to be some guidelines set. We support you in any healthy action you take, and in the best interests of everyone involved. Thanks for sharing your story. It's tough when we have to care for our folks, as we can all testify. Best wishes for all of you.
With us it is some sort of weird reciprocity deal. There was one time speicifically when he wanted something and reminded me of trips to the toy store. really weird stuff. Sad. I spent the whole day driving around. I will write more later. My main thing is if this is demetia or just personality etc.
Once again you are right on .
My Father took care of us, I am an only child, and my mother. I do not object to helping him but I do object to insisting things are done immediatley etc. when they are in the scope of life not important. It is the key understand of the difference between "I want" and "I need". My kids were taught this but my Dad does not seem to get it or does not care. Much of it is redirected aggression and fear from my Mother, guilt etc. I have tried to explain he is not responsible for her Alzheimers but it does not sink in. Humans always search for a cause and he is angry controling and frustrated trying to find it. I just am trying to retrain him but I doubt it will work. I told him we will leave if it gets to the point were one of us cannot work or we need to put our lives on hold. I will especially do this if my wife is effected. Sad stuff but all part of the hand.

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