My father is demanding we care for him. He doesn't want us to travel, go out at night or leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell family we neglected him.

Crowe, you take the encouragement stance to the hilt, and take no prisoners in the process. Not criticizing; only hope someone's listening. It is critical to understand what we sacrifice in the name of "helping" another. Perhaps it is fear of standing against a formidable contestant in the battle for separation, and leading a healthy life. How can it possibly be honoring to bow down to the unreasonable demands of another? ~Something to think about. I learned this the hard way, more than once. Now, I'm convinced, the only way out is to stand up against all abuse and unrealistic expectations. We have got to have solid, enforceable boundaries if we are to survive intact. At the same time, this frees the other the choice of taking responsibility for their own choices. Mad at us or not, we must look out for our own best interests, as well.

SecretSister,

Thanks! The more I read of people basically dealing with similar issues over and over again pluse pleading for help, the seemly older and bolder I get. If I'm right, I think I am older than you? My heart cries out for people stuck in the F.O.G. which I was once totally captivated by in areas of my life that we have both already shared.

I do hope someone is listtening. I realize that my statements of encouragement are walking the razors edge, but I think I know where that line is so that I don't step over the line.

Crowe, You might have a year on me; I'm right behind with an April 2nd bday. Don't know why you ask? Yes, I used to climb for the razor's edge, in a cup with slippery sides. Thank God he rescued me! (That was not a good life.) I wouldn't worry about what people think when you present your opinions, because they came here asking for help. The only caution I would counsel, is to practice restraint when it's not well received, and season everything with God's wisdom and grace. (I'm preaching to myself, here, too.) Many of us have encountered heartaches, and it's important not to be too harsh. Don't you think? And what seems right for us, may not work for someone else. We really don't see all the angles of another's life. So, at best, we can just offer our humble advice. I think the most important thing is to make sure our own walk is right. Instead of trying to fix everyone else, I think the focus should be to encourage, lift up another when they are hurting, and walk along side them in the valley. For so many folk, I am praying, hoping they take the hand of God as their guide. He knows the way better than me.

SecretSis, thanks for the wishes. Yes it is terribly hard for my mom. I live about 3 hrs away so not much I can do from here. I have a sister who lives across the street from my parents, and the plan is that if he tries to get physically abusive, Mom goes there immediately. So far, that hasn't been necessary. It's hard for her to get to a support group, or even church, because when he's in a mood he accuses her of having a boyfriend. He gives her such a hard time when she goes somewhere, she feels it's not worth the trouble. Even when she's on the phone, he hovers like he's trying to find out who she's talking to or if she's talking "badly" about him. She's worn out physically and I'm surprised she's still as healthy as she is. Mentally, this is really taking a toll. He is a veteran of the Korean War, and I heard there are benefits (monthly allowance) to help a nurse come to the home, or to help pay for assisted living when the time comes. I am trying to get her to get that help and to just get out of the house when possible. She's also really worried about what will happen financially if he has to go into a nursing home.

There are benefits for Veterans, but there is a waiting list of over a year after you fill out their grueling paperwork requirements. Sounds like your mom needs help NOW. Financially, those benefits are available in the nursing home. With Mom as Community Spouse, her 1/2 of the assets will be protected for her needs. To tell you the truth, it sounds as if he is ready soon. Just been through similar with my dad, who is living in a nursing home. He shadowed my mom, and wandered neighborhoods, when she was sleeping. So...you need to get help for your mom, who is hostage to this situation. Her needs won't wait, and he obviously needs help, too. Sounds like sis may be in denial. Is your Dad taking any medications? I would have his Physicians heavily involved, and a Geriatric and Neurological assessment done asap. Your mom needs someone to step up to the plate for her, and relieve her misery. She has got to be really hurting right now.

SecretSister,

I was just being silly about the age thing. May 15.

You are right about being season with grace which is the razor's edge I was talking about not trying to cross over, but I am either getting manic or in a codependent rescue mode when I do which is wrong. Have a good weekend and thanks for the wise input.

Thanks Sir Crowe! I don't know if you are in a "codependent" mode or not, or just trying to warn others that the road is out. After all, you have been there. Don't be so hard on yourself. And if possible, enJOY yourself, this weekend, as well! It doesn't always have to be hard work, and everything labeled and analyzed. I think we're allowed to relax, too. LOL Aren't we? (Though I understand this is hard work...and tiring to the emotions.) Grief always hurts, and watching our loved ones decline or deal with their controlling measures is very draining. God bless you, every one!

Thanks for the blessing, Secret Sis.

Sis, thanks for the info re: benefits. Yes, the VA sure loves red tape. Probably why they didn't apply sooner. Dad is taking medication and sees a geriatric specialist and neurologist. He needs his meds adjusted more often the last few months. I managed to help Mom find a nursing home that has a special unit for Alzheimers patients, she needs to visit it and get on the waiting list. I think he is about ready also, but when he's having a good day, Mom says, "How can I do that to him when he's still being sweet?" She has a lot of guilt and I think at least one of my sisters gave her a hard time when she brought up the subject pf a nursing home. It's easy to voice your opinion against something when you aren't the one exhausted and on the verge if falling apart. She needs to do what is best for everyone and what will keep everyone safest.

Thanks SecretSis,

Yes we are relaxed, but I find it very hard some times to pull myself away from all this. I've even forgotten to take my moring or night times meds until past my regular time. As you can tell, my mind loves analyzing things, but I don't really have that much that challenges my mind lately that also interests me, supports me, and validates my efforts to help others as being here does. with the exception of course my wife. :)! Have a good weekend, and while I'm not doing a yard sale like Pam tomorrow or free to go to Catilena or going to a fancy hotel where I can swing from the chandeleers, I do plan to have some time out from here and some fun.

Kent...yes I see the swings with my mom as well...there are days and weeks she drones on...and then one day it will stop and she will talk about normal situations...and then back to the droning on and on. When she called me today she's is starting to realize herself..after many times of bomblasting her with what is going on with her...that she is starting to get mental decline...wow...never thought she would admit it. Tomorrow I am going to go to NH's in her area. I need to get a nice place lined up. Did you Dad start of with verbal abuse before the physical abuse? Just wondering if it escalated.

Crowe...about the mean thing...I think they know when they are declining and they lash out or cling to whomever they feel closest to.

PirateGal, Dad started out getting easily frustrated and stubborn. He felt like everyone was treating him like a child. That was about a year ago. He'd been diagnosed about 2 years earlier, went on meds, and did pretty well for a while. As I said, about a year ago, things escalated. He would do exactly the opposite of what my mom would tell him to do, like a stubborn kid. She would just try to give him guidance on something he'd be having trouble with and he'd get mad. After a few months he started getting really jealous, accusing her of seeing someone, getting mad if she spent too long at the grocery store, even getting upset when they got a sales call or wrong number, thinking it was a cover-up. My mom would just roll her eyes and say, "I'm too stinking tired for a boyfriend, get serious!" lol. Eventually she got sick of it though when he started waking her up at night, asking her questions about if she was seeing someone. Sometimes he would call her his girlfriend and be all sweet and cheerful, other times he knew she was his wife, but would be grumpy with her. After that, he started thinking people were in the house, insisting he could see or hear them at night. He would be fine during the day, then get worse at night. Adjusting his meds would help for a while, then it would start up again. Lately, he keeps insisting he has to "go home" at night, and gets upset when my mom won't let him go anywhere. There have just been so many things, I probably only hear about half of what goes on. In the past 6 months, he gets in his moods and starts calling my mom names. He wasn't physically abusive, only verbally (which is bad enough), but about a month ago he grabbed my mom on the wrist and wouldn't let go, leaving a bruise. That's the only time he's done that to my knowledge, but of course, things are not going to get any better. It's heartbreaking because my dad was always the kind of guy to confront someone being disrespectful to a woman. He would never stand for that from anyone if he were in his right state of mind. I'm pushing my mom to get on the ball and make some arrangements just in case he gets too difficult to deal with. I don't want to see him have to go to a nursing home, but I don't want my mom or him getting hurt either. So anyway, that's the progression of things. Sorry to go on so long. Just didn't want it to sound like he was constantly abusive, it's not like that, but definitely something to watch out for and be prepared for just in case.

Kent,
Some time when you and your mom are alone, ask her a few questions.
When she and your dad were younger, did they ever talk about what to do if one of them declined mentally? (I don't think most people even go there when they're young, but I'd still ask her.)
Secondly, if your wife were treating you the same way your father is treating her, what would she tell you to do?
If mom tells you that she would tell you to stick it out no matter what, then at least you know her mind set on this. If on the other hand she tells you to put your wife in a 'home', then that's being hypocritical and I'd wonder why. (misplaced guilt perhaps?) don't know.
Anyway, just a thought...

The thread is getting wider but I will answer some questions and provide an update. My Mother is i na home and is advanced to the point were she refers to me as her husband, my wife and my daughter but still sort of knows who we are. She is in a home and my Father is still very kind to her and attempts to see her as much as possible. The abuse started and directed at me specically when he (in my opinion) relaized he no longer could control things menaing what happened daily, my Moms health and I think he sees his own mortality.death on the horizon. Things that would bother anyone. I am a retired Army NCO and have been in combat several times so dealing with my Dad is not up there with the hardest things I had to deal with. To me it is more annoying than something that would cause me to breakdown. i started the thread to see how others had dealt with this. We will take care of him as long as possible etc. When it directly prevents my Wife from doing something or he is insulting/abusive to her that will end it and we will leave. That has not happened yet and he appreciates her and the help she provides. I am the target of the redirected aggression but in all as I said it is mostly just a pian in the butt and effects sceduling of life etc. but so did my children.

JANE:

I've said this before and I'll say it again: from the moment we have children WE owe them, not the other way around. We shouldn't bring children to the world and then charge them for it by expecting them to take care of us, blackmail them, and put them through guilt trips as if they were meant to be some sort of investment, insurance, or retirement account. It makes me sad and it makes me sick when I hear offspring being psychologically abused by their parents. Anyway, let me shut up before I say something I might regret.

I sure did.

-- ED

nobody was ask to be born , i wasnt ask and my parent s wasnt asked either . its all the man upstairs to created and made childrens . all for a reason .
we are the reason to be a caregiver and our parents are the reason to stay home with one ofthier children . there is 6 of us and pa chose me . thats fine with me . THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ., so i dont think we owe our children anything . once they turn into a adult theyre on thier own . unless they come around and help parents or need help and stay close bonded with parents then thats good . but i do not believe that we owe tthem anything .. the man upstairs owes the childrens ... the children will be greatly reward by the man upstairs .

I have one Comment : Klonopin, Elavil, and Depokene....: )
Look it up...... works like a charm for those who need it, i. e. My 86 y/0 Alzheimers Mom who now co-operates.

tbumoon27, I was thinking that you were quoting a Klingon saying there. That's what those words sound like to me at least. :)

naheaton, LOL..... well now that I look at it ,,, yup it does kinda look that way huh?

Thanks again for the comments, sometimes it helps just to vent and know others are out there dealing with similar situations. The hardest thing for me is the loss of time our kids just left the house about 4 years ago and now we are sort of back in the same boat. Life goes on.

Well It won't last forever... I am in same Boat. My last kid Just left and Maw Maw just moved in. Will be looking for NH placement in fall and she will go on Medicaid. Her money will be spent down at that time and the 5 year window will be lapsed up..; )