Follow
Share

Dealing with bad decisions and tantrum-like behavior from my Father Age 86, threats of never talking to us again, telling the family etc. I travel for my job and my wife and I cared for my Mother for 3 years, she went into a nursing home early this year and we planned to move out. BUT now my father (87) is essentially demanding we care for him, do not travel, do not go out at night, do not leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell the family we have neglected him etc. He is on the phone and based on treatment we are getting from relatives it appears we are telling them we are leaching off him etc. He is okay as long as everything he wants is done. I feel absolutely trapped, the potential loss of the property is not an issue, I am succesful etc. it is the guilt and threat of shaming etc.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
Well It won't last forever... I am in same Boat. My last kid Just left and Maw Maw just moved in. Will be looking for NH placement in fall and she will go on Medicaid. Her money will be spent down at that time and the 5 year window will be lapsed up..; )
(0)
Report

Thanks again for the comments, sometimes it helps just to vent and know others are out there dealing with similar situations. The hardest thing for me is the loss of time our kids just left the house about 4 years ago and now we are sort of back in the same boat. Life goes on.
(0)
Report

naheaton, LOL..... well now that I look at it ,,, yup it does kinda look that way huh?
(0)
Report

tbumoon27, I was thinking that you were quoting a Klingon saying there. That's what those words sound like to me at least. :)
(0)
Report

I have one Comment : Klonopin, Elavil, and Depokene....: )
Look it up...... works like a charm for those who need it, i. e. My 86 y/0 Alzheimers Mom who now co-operates.
(0)
Report

nobody was ask to be born , i wasnt ask and my parent s wasnt asked either . its all the man upstairs to created and made childrens . all for a reason .
we are the reason to be a caregiver and our parents are the reason to stay home with one ofthier children . there is 6 of us and pa chose me . thats fine with me . THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ., so i dont think we owe our children anything . once they turn into a adult theyre on thier own . unless they come around and help parents or need help and stay close bonded with parents then thats good . but i do not believe that we owe tthem anything .. the man upstairs owes the childrens ... the children will be greatly reward by the man upstairs .
(0)
Report

JANE:

I've said this before and I'll say it again: from the moment we have children WE owe them, not the other way around. We shouldn't bring children to the world and then charge them for it by expecting them to take care of us, blackmail them, and put them through guilt trips as if they were meant to be some sort of investment, insurance, or retirement account. It makes me sad and it makes me sick when I hear offspring being psychologically abused by their parents. Anyway, let me shut up before I say something I might regret.

I sure did.

-- ED
(3)
Report

The thread is getting wider but I will answer some questions and provide an update. My Mother is i na home and is advanced to the point were she refers to me as her husband, my wife and my daughter but still sort of knows who we are. She is in a home and my Father is still very kind to her and attempts to see her as much as possible. The abuse started and directed at me specically when he (in my opinion) relaized he no longer could control things menaing what happened daily, my Moms health and I think he sees his own mortality.death on the horizon. Things that would bother anyone. I am a retired Army NCO and have been in combat several times so dealing with my Dad is not up there with the hardest things I had to deal with. To me it is more annoying than something that would cause me to breakdown. i started the thread to see how others had dealt with this. We will take care of him as long as possible etc. When it directly prevents my Wife from doing something or he is insulting/abusive to her that will end it and we will leave. That has not happened yet and he appreciates her and the help she provides. I am the target of the redirected aggression but in all as I said it is mostly just a pian in the butt and effects sceduling of life etc. but so did my children.
(0)
Report

Kent,
Some time when you and your mom are alone, ask her a few questions.
When she and your dad were younger, did they ever talk about what to do if one of them declined mentally? (I don't think most people even go there when they're young, but I'd still ask her.)
Secondly, if your wife were treating you the same way your father is treating her, what would she tell you to do?
If mom tells you that she would tell you to stick it out no matter what, then at least you know her mind set on this. If on the other hand she tells you to put your wife in a 'home', then that's being hypocritical and I'd wonder why. (misplaced guilt perhaps?) don't know.
Anyway, just a thought...
(0)
Report

PirateGal, Dad started out getting easily frustrated and stubborn. He felt like everyone was treating him like a child. That was about a year ago. He'd been diagnosed about 2 years earlier, went on meds, and did pretty well for a while. As I said, about a year ago, things escalated. He would do exactly the opposite of what my mom would tell him to do, like a stubborn kid. She would just try to give him guidance on something he'd be having trouble with and he'd get mad. After a few months he started getting really jealous, accusing her of seeing someone, getting mad if she spent too long at the grocery store, even getting upset when they got a sales call or wrong number, thinking it was a cover-up. My mom would just roll her eyes and say, "I'm too stinking tired for a boyfriend, get serious!" lol. Eventually she got sick of it though when he started waking her up at night, asking her questions about if she was seeing someone. Sometimes he would call her his girlfriend and be all sweet and cheerful, other times he knew she was his wife, but would be grumpy with her. After that, he started thinking people were in the house, insisting he could see or hear them at night. He would be fine during the day, then get worse at night. Adjusting his meds would help for a while, then it would start up again. Lately, he keeps insisting he has to "go home" at night, and gets upset when my mom won't let him go anywhere. There have just been so many things, I probably only hear about half of what goes on. In the past 6 months, he gets in his moods and starts calling my mom names. He wasn't physically abusive, only verbally (which is bad enough), but about a month ago he grabbed my mom on the wrist and wouldn't let go, leaving a bruise. That's the only time he's done that to my knowledge, but of course, things are not going to get any better. It's heartbreaking because my dad was always the kind of guy to confront someone being disrespectful to a woman. He would never stand for that from anyone if he were in his right state of mind. I'm pushing my mom to get on the ball and make some arrangements just in case he gets too difficult to deal with. I don't want to see him have to go to a nursing home, but I don't want my mom or him getting hurt either. So anyway, that's the progression of things. Sorry to go on so long. Just didn't want it to sound like he was constantly abusive, it's not like that, but definitely something to watch out for and be prepared for just in case.
(0)
Report

Kent...yes I see the swings with my mom as well...there are days and weeks she drones on...and then one day it will stop and she will talk about normal situations...and then back to the droning on and on. When she called me today she's is starting to realize herself..after many times of bomblasting her with what is going on with her...that she is starting to get mental decline...wow...never thought she would admit it. Tomorrow I am going to go to NH's in her area. I need to get a nice place lined up. Did you Dad start of with verbal abuse before the physical abuse? Just wondering if it escalated.

Crowe...about the mean thing...I think they know when they are declining and they lash out or cling to whomever they feel closest to.
(0)
Report

Thanks SecretSis,

Yes we are relaxed, but I find it very hard some times to pull myself away from all this. I've even forgotten to take my moring or night times meds until past my regular time. As you can tell, my mind loves analyzing things, but I don't really have that much that challenges my mind lately that also interests me, supports me, and validates my efforts to help others as being here does. with the exception of course my wife. :)! Have a good weekend, and while I'm not doing a yard sale like Pam tomorrow or free to go to Catilena or going to a fancy hotel where I can swing from the chandeleers, I do plan to have some time out from here and some fun.
(0)
Report

Sis, thanks for the info re: benefits. Yes, the VA sure loves red tape. Probably why they didn't apply sooner. Dad is taking medication and sees a geriatric specialist and neurologist. He needs his meds adjusted more often the last few months. I managed to help Mom find a nursing home that has a special unit for Alzheimers patients, she needs to visit it and get on the waiting list. I think he is about ready also, but when he's having a good day, Mom says, "How can I do that to him when he's still being sweet?" She has a lot of guilt and I think at least one of my sisters gave her a hard time when she brought up the subject pf a nursing home. It's easy to voice your opinion against something when you aren't the one exhausted and on the verge if falling apart. She needs to do what is best for everyone and what will keep everyone safest.
(0)
Report

Thanks for the blessing, Secret Sis.
(0)
Report

Thanks Sir Crowe! I don't know if you are in a "codependent" mode or not, or just trying to warn others that the road is out. After all, you have been there. Don't be so hard on yourself. And if possible, enJOY yourself, this weekend, as well! It doesn't always have to be hard work, and everything labeled and analyzed. I think we're allowed to relax, too. LOL Aren't we? (Though I understand this is hard work...and tiring to the emotions.) Grief always hurts, and watching our loved ones decline or deal with their controlling measures is very draining. God bless you, every one!
(0)
Report

SecretSister,

I was just being silly about the age thing. May 15.

You are right about being season with grace which is the razor's edge I was talking about not trying to cross over, but I am either getting manic or in a codependent rescue mode when I do which is wrong. Have a good weekend and thanks for the wise input.
(0)
Report

There are benefits for Veterans, but there is a waiting list of over a year after you fill out their grueling paperwork requirements. Sounds like your mom needs help NOW. Financially, those benefits are available in the nursing home. With Mom as Community Spouse, her 1/2 of the assets will be protected for her needs. To tell you the truth, it sounds as if he is ready soon. Just been through similar with my dad, who is living in a nursing home. He shadowed my mom, and wandered neighborhoods, when she was sleeping. So...you need to get help for your mom, who is hostage to this situation. Her needs won't wait, and he obviously needs help, too. Sounds like sis may be in denial. Is your Dad taking any medications? I would have his Physicians heavily involved, and a Geriatric and Neurological assessment done asap. Your mom needs someone to step up to the plate for her, and relieve her misery. She has got to be really hurting right now.
(0)
Report

SecretSis, thanks for the wishes. Yes it is terribly hard for my mom. I live about 3 hrs away so not much I can do from here. I have a sister who lives across the street from my parents, and the plan is that if he tries to get physically abusive, Mom goes there immediately. So far, that hasn't been necessary. It's hard for her to get to a support group, or even church, because when he's in a mood he accuses her of having a boyfriend. He gives her such a hard time when she goes somewhere, she feels it's not worth the trouble. Even when she's on the phone, he hovers like he's trying to find out who she's talking to or if she's talking "badly" about him. She's worn out physically and I'm surprised she's still as healthy as she is. Mentally, this is really taking a toll. He is a veteran of the Korean War, and I heard there are benefits (monthly allowance) to help a nurse come to the home, or to help pay for assisted living when the time comes. I am trying to get her to get that help and to just get out of the house when possible. She's also really worried about what will happen financially if he has to go into a nursing home.
(0)
Report

Crowe, You might have a year on me; I'm right behind with an April 2nd bday. Don't know why you ask? Yes, I used to climb for the razor's edge, in a cup with slippery sides. Thank God he rescued me! (That was not a good life.) I wouldn't worry about what people think when you present your opinions, because they came here asking for help. The only caution I would counsel, is to practice restraint when it's not well received, and season everything with God's wisdom and grace. (I'm preaching to myself, here, too.) Many of us have encountered heartaches, and it's important not to be too harsh. Don't you think? And what seems right for us, may not work for someone else. We really don't see all the angles of another's life. So, at best, we can just offer our humble advice. I think the most important thing is to make sure our own walk is right. Instead of trying to fix everyone else, I think the focus should be to encourage, lift up another when they are hurting, and walk along side them in the valley. For so many folk, I am praying, hoping they take the hand of God as their guide. He knows the way better than me.
(0)
Report

SecretSister,

Thanks! The more I read of people basically dealing with similar issues over and over again pluse pleading for help, the seemly older and bolder I get. If I'm right, I think I am older than you? My heart cries out for people stuck in the F.O.G. which I was once totally captivated by in areas of my life that we have both already shared.

I do hope someone is listtening. I realize that my statements of encouragement are walking the razors edge, but I think I know where that line is so that I don't step over the line.
(0)
Report

Crowe, you take the encouragement stance to the hilt, and take no prisoners in the process. Not criticizing; only hope someone's listening. It is critical to understand what we sacrifice in the name of "helping" another. Perhaps it is fear of standing against a formidable contestant in the battle for separation, and leading a healthy life. How can it possibly be honoring to bow down to the unreasonable demands of another? ~Something to think about. I learned this the hard way, more than once. Now, I'm convinced, the only way out is to stand up against all abuse and unrealistic expectations. We have got to have solid, enforceable boundaries if we are to survive intact. At the same time, this frees the other the choice of taking responsibility for their own choices. Mad at us or not, we must look out for our own best interests, as well.
(1)
Report

Janevillesblues,

"I think the reason I tolerate it is that I realize mainly he is scared of dying and he has essentially lost his wife. I can take it right now but if it continues to get worse I will change the situation based on what is best for him and us. "

I'm also an only child and I can understand some of your delima, but I'm somewhat remain perplexed. The weird receprication thing is strange and part of the guilt, obligation trip deal. From the above, I gather a good part of this is based on pity or fear of something? His fear of dying is his emotion not yours. Your absobing for him is on the verge of bringing death to your marriage, your career, you own health prematurely, etc.

How many more chances are you goint to give him? Why are you deciding to hang in there a little longer when from the earlier posts about this, I gathered you were at a breaking point.

I might be totally wrong but I only see three alternatives. 1. Stay as you are and continue playing the blues. 2. Stay as you are until your dad dies only to find your marriage is distroyed, your career demoloshed, your own retirement funds fanished, and your healthed wrecked, etc. singing the blues possibly as a destitute homeless person who crucified themselves. 3. Take the suggestions people have shared here plus get some counseling to get beyond the fear or whatever else it is so that you can take healthy actions for both him, yourself and your marriage. 4. I'm confident that you can do number three, but you must believe in yourself and believe that you do have the power of choice.
(0)
Report

kentwood, just wondering what you are doing to protect your mom from your dad's abuse phases? That must be hard on her. Is she going to a support group? What type of relief is she getting from the 24/7? Bless your family during this difficult time.
(0)
Report

My dad has Alzheimer's/dementia and this sounds like a real possibility with your dad. He needs to be evaluated. There are some meds that help a bit, slowing down the disease and/or lessening the symptoms, helping with moods and behavior, so it's definitely worth speaking to the doctor about. My dad still lives at home with my mom and has good days and bad days. He goes through phases, about every 3 weeks, of anger/jealousy/stubborn, then he's sweet and cheerful for a while. He was never, ever jealous or abusive to my mom, but now when he goes through bad spells he wakes her up at night accusing her of things and being verbally abusive. Very sad to see my sweet dad be that way. There have been a lot of times he's been worried about people stealing things as well. I am wondering if your dad has Alzheimer's or dementia setting in, or if he is just depressed and resentful over your mom's situation and not having her around. Either way, you need to protect your marriage, your health (mental and physical), and get help. Pray for wisdom, talk to the doctor, get some elder care resources, and don't be bullied. Good luck. I hope things work out in the best interest of everyone involved.
(0)
Report

Well crowe we both know how NPD or Borderlines are. It did kinda stop her in her tracks when I said this. I have always tried to use real reasoning with my mom, but with the N's and their own world that revolves around them with their own rules it can be quite testy.
(0)
Report

Yeah, they want you to absorb their feelings instead of dealing with them theirselves. However, if we mirror their feelings back to them then we become the bad person. Some people are great at creating tornadoes and then stepping inside of it as if they are its victim.
(0)
Report

124 when did you place her? How long did it take for her to adjust?

Crow....thanks....this morning on tv they were talking about overstressing and JUST SAY NO and not feel guilty...and that was about everyday stress not even caregiver stress.

Yeah I got FOG handed to me last eve as well..."I'm a helpless old woman"...I said did I make you old, did I make you helpless? I said all I am doing is trying to help you. It's amazing on how they want to put all their fears of growing old upon your shoulders and not theirs. I told her don't you think I am going to be old one day as well and going to be at your same point as well?
(0)
Report

One is trapped by the fear drama, guilt kings and queens as well as the obligation-worshipfullness to the degree that we chose to. One of the worst and most powerful impacts of the F.O.G. is it blinds us to the power of our own choices! My the power of choice go with you and liberate you more and more both today and all the days ahead.
(0)
Report

I took care of my mom alone for five years. By the end of that five years, I was burned out, frustrated, overwhelmed and upset with the rest of my family for not helping out enough. Now that she is in the nursing home, she is still very demanding, calls a lot at home when I take a day off, tells me she cannot manage there without me, asking me to explain away why the rest of my family doesn't come to visit often enough. She does little things and says things that are pointed to make me feel guilty for not being able to take care of her alone, and is really upset with my sister for getting guardianship. Guardianship was necessary becasue she was trying to check herself out of the nursing home. Things have kind of settled down, I told her I would not come and visit if she was going to be harping on me and demand things I can't provide for her. Now we have pleasant visits together, I have started writing her life story and she is telling me things about her life I never knew before which are helping me put the pieces together on the genealogy work I am doing. I also play the piano for her, bring music tapes and videos (music seems to calm her down), this helps her to accept where she is now and not complain all the time. At first I though she would really be upset having the nurses help her instead of me, but she really likes the nurses. I keep telling her "don't make waves" or it will just make it harder for me, and she seems to be accepting. I do not think she will ever get over her resentment toward my sister though, as she is the one that has the guardianship.
(2)
Report

wow...I read the same sad stuff over and over and over again lately on how MEAN AND SELFISH these old folks are and can be....geeezus...isn't any government/medical agency even bothering reading these blogs..............dang...I have the same problemo folks...hooked as the babysitter...this is insanity!
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.