My father is demanding we care for him. He doesn't want us to travel, go out at night or leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell family we neglected him.

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Dealing with bad decisions and tantrum-like behavior from my Father Age 86, threats of never talking to us again, telling the family etc. I travel for my job and my wife and I cared for my Mother for 3 years, she went into a nursing home early this year and we planned to move out. BUT now my father (87) is essentially demanding we care for him, do not travel, do not go out at night, do not leave him alone or he will leave everything to relatives and tell the family we have neglected him etc. He is on the phone and based on treatment we are getting from relatives it appears we are telling them we are leaching off him etc. He is okay as long as everything he wants is done. I feel absolutely trapped, the potential loss of the property is not an issue, I am succesful etc. it is the guilt and threat of shaming etc.

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Well It won't last forever... I am in same Boat. My last kid Just left and Maw Maw just moved in. Will be looking for NH placement in fall and she will go on Medicaid. Her money will be spent down at that time and the 5 year window will be lapsed up..; )
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Thanks again for the comments, sometimes it helps just to vent and know others are out there dealing with similar situations. The hardest thing for me is the loss of time our kids just left the house about 4 years ago and now we are sort of back in the same boat. Life goes on.
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naheaton, LOL..... well now that I look at it ,,, yup it does kinda look that way huh?
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tbumoon27, I was thinking that you were quoting a Klingon saying there. That's what those words sound like to me at least. :)
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I have one Comment : Klonopin, Elavil, and Depokene....: )
Look it up...... works like a charm for those who need it, i. e. My 86 y/0 Alzheimers Mom who now co-operates.
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nobody was ask to be born , i wasnt ask and my parent s wasnt asked either . its all the man upstairs to created and made childrens . all for a reason .
we are the reason to be a caregiver and our parents are the reason to stay home with one ofthier children . there is 6 of us and pa chose me . thats fine with me . THERES A REASON FOR EVERYTHING ., so i dont think we owe our children anything . once they turn into a adult theyre on thier own . unless they come around and help parents or need help and stay close bonded with parents then thats good . but i do not believe that we owe tthem anything .. the man upstairs owes the childrens ... the children will be greatly reward by the man upstairs .
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JANE:

I've said this before and I'll say it again: from the moment we have children WE owe them, not the other way around. We shouldn't bring children to the world and then charge them for it by expecting them to take care of us, blackmail them, and put them through guilt trips as if they were meant to be some sort of investment, insurance, or retirement account. It makes me sad and it makes me sick when I hear offspring being psychologically abused by their parents. Anyway, let me shut up before I say something I might regret.

I sure did.

-- ED
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The thread is getting wider but I will answer some questions and provide an update. My Mother is i na home and is advanced to the point were she refers to me as her husband, my wife and my daughter but still sort of knows who we are. She is in a home and my Father is still very kind to her and attempts to see her as much as possible. The abuse started and directed at me specically when he (in my opinion) relaized he no longer could control things menaing what happened daily, my Moms health and I think he sees his own mortality.death on the horizon. Things that would bother anyone. I am a retired Army NCO and have been in combat several times so dealing with my Dad is not up there with the hardest things I had to deal with. To me it is more annoying than something that would cause me to breakdown. i started the thread to see how others had dealt with this. We will take care of him as long as possible etc. When it directly prevents my Wife from doing something or he is insulting/abusive to her that will end it and we will leave. That has not happened yet and he appreciates her and the help she provides. I am the target of the redirected aggression but in all as I said it is mostly just a pian in the butt and effects sceduling of life etc. but so did my children.
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Kent,
Some time when you and your mom are alone, ask her a few questions.
When she and your dad were younger, did they ever talk about what to do if one of them declined mentally? (I don't think most people even go there when they're young, but I'd still ask her.)
Secondly, if your wife were treating you the same way your father is treating her, what would she tell you to do?
If mom tells you that she would tell you to stick it out no matter what, then at least you know her mind set on this. If on the other hand she tells you to put your wife in a 'home', then that's being hypocritical and I'd wonder why. (misplaced guilt perhaps?) don't know.
Anyway, just a thought...
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PirateGal, Dad started out getting easily frustrated and stubborn. He felt like everyone was treating him like a child. That was about a year ago. He'd been diagnosed about 2 years earlier, went on meds, and did pretty well for a while. As I said, about a year ago, things escalated. He would do exactly the opposite of what my mom would tell him to do, like a stubborn kid. She would just try to give him guidance on something he'd be having trouble with and he'd get mad. After a few months he started getting really jealous, accusing her of seeing someone, getting mad if she spent too long at the grocery store, even getting upset when they got a sales call or wrong number, thinking it was a cover-up. My mom would just roll her eyes and say, "I'm too stinking tired for a boyfriend, get serious!" lol. Eventually she got sick of it though when he started waking her up at night, asking her questions about if she was seeing someone. Sometimes he would call her his girlfriend and be all sweet and cheerful, other times he knew she was his wife, but would be grumpy with her. After that, he started thinking people were in the house, insisting he could see or hear them at night. He would be fine during the day, then get worse at night. Adjusting his meds would help for a while, then it would start up again. Lately, he keeps insisting he has to "go home" at night, and gets upset when my mom won't let him go anywhere. There have just been so many things, I probably only hear about half of what goes on. In the past 6 months, he gets in his moods and starts calling my mom names. He wasn't physically abusive, only verbally (which is bad enough), but about a month ago he grabbed my mom on the wrist and wouldn't let go, leaving a bruise. That's the only time he's done that to my knowledge, but of course, things are not going to get any better. It's heartbreaking because my dad was always the kind of guy to confront someone being disrespectful to a woman. He would never stand for that from anyone if he were in his right state of mind. I'm pushing my mom to get on the ball and make some arrangements just in case he gets too difficult to deal with. I don't want to see him have to go to a nursing home, but I don't want my mom or him getting hurt either. So anyway, that's the progression of things. Sorry to go on so long. Just didn't want it to sound like he was constantly abusive, it's not like that, but definitely something to watch out for and be prepared for just in case.
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