She doesn't see ME! She doesn't know how much WE LOVE HER. We jump through hoops to please her/spoil her to make her enjoy life & be Happy. She so negative, angry, & sad most days & I can't do anything right. I'M LITERALLY GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK OR STROKE AS I AM IN THIS FOREVER BUT mostly ALONE my kids & hubby help but it's up to me. I'm scared I WILL get sick & what will happen to her! My stress level is ridiculous! Please any advice or kind words for me to keep this up....

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Hi Loveless,
You have been hurting and suffering for a long time. Your posts go back 3 years, describing the meanness of your mother, your tumor treatment, your autistic child, your child with kidney disease and your sister who was sick. You have every right to be on the verge of a breakdown.
What I see in your posts, however, is that you desperately want love and approval from your mother. You say she has dementia, so you understand her brain is BROKEN. She's not ABLE to give you anything anymore. You say she USED to be funny and nice but now she's mean. This is NORMAL in dementia. Unfortunately she will never go back to how she was. This is not her FAULT. Her brain has been taken over by the disease of dementia. You state she is also bipolar and a narcissist. So she is mentally sick too.

You state over and over you feel that caregiving her is "killing you". We all are stressed to the max at times. I've had chest pain trying to deal with my demented mothers screaming and other difficult behaviors. However, if you truely feel like you will loose your mind or life while caregiving her, you HAVE to change the situation.

It sounds like you won't be happy until you get the praise, love and recognition (that you so deserve) from your mother and family. Unfortunately, you WON'T get it. You need to see a therapist to help you see that you don't NEED their praise. You need to believe in YOURSELF. It's what you think of YOU that is important.

I see you live with her (or she lives with you). If she doesn't have much money (under $2000.) she would be eligible for Medicaid. They will pay for a memory care facility. Having her live in a facility will greatly reduce your already overloaded plate. It's not abandoning her. It would be helping you be the daughter that you want to be. You would have more energy for you and your family. When you would visit her, you wouldn't be so stressed out.

It's great to vent, (we are all here doing that), but it sounds like your problem has continued over 3 years. You need to analyze what caregiving is doing to your physical and mental health and your family's.

I am assuming she has dementia/Alzheimer's since the thread is under that heading. What you are experiencing is fairly normal for the ailment. Remember that your mom's brain is broken and her control is gone. She doesn't understand many things. I found that I had to use the best techniques available...look up Naomi Feil and Teepa Snow. Part of being a caregiver to a person with dementia is being able to detach emotionally. Be more clinical in how you deal with things and grow thick skin. I know this is easier said than done... My mom was diagnosed in 2009 and had been having issues for at least 3 years prior... Sometimes you just have to go outside, or in the bathroom, and have a good cry, then wash your face and get clinical again. My thoughts and prayers are with you on this journey. Some parts get easier, others harder. My mom is in stage 7 and on hospice, but she is still going strong!

Loveless, one thing you can think about is what your Mom is going through, it sounds like she has Dementia, so how she is acting is par for the course.

As for your Mom being so negative, angry and sad, slip into her shoes for a few moments. Your Mom can no longer hop in the car and drive to the mall.... your Mom's close friends probably have moved or passed on.... Mom wakes up with aches and pains.... her husband is gone....

Your Mom's eyesight might be failing, along with her hearing.... she gets very tired easily.... food doesn't taste right as when we get older our taste buds change.... she probably has trouble using the TV remote, oh how easier it was watching TV 20 years ago... telephones don't look the same, unless you have landline with a telephone that your Mom knows how to use... etc.

Thus, if you can view your Mom with what I had written, it would be helpful. Wish I had know that with my own parents :(

Another thing to remember, the adult/child dynamics are back in full swing. Mom still views you as the "child", no matter how old you become. I was still the "child" and I was in my 60's. My parents thought I had the energy of a 20 year old. Sorry, that ship sailed when I got into my 50's.

Loveless; You don't indicate what your mother's impairments are.

Does she have dementia? Has she ever been evaluated for it?

Is she depressed? Has she ever been to a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate the source of her unhappiness and dissatisfaction?

Why are you and only you caring for your mom? Is it because she's so negative and your other siblings are setting healthy boundaries so that they don't have to be the target of her venom?

Is this way of being, this negativity, is this a lifelong thing?

Some folks say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.  Your mother is not going to wake up some morning and say "oh, wonderful daughter, what did I ever do to deserve such wonderful care?".  Unless YOU change (and that's the only thing YOU have any control over, right?) she will keep on the way she's been.

So, why isn't she in a nice facility where she can chat up the other little old ladies in her age group?

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