Still in shock. My mom will not answer her phone so I will have to drive over there to tell her. Could have never gone through this journey without this site. Racked with guilt of what I could have done differently.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I know from reading your posts that your dad has been blessed to have you in his corner and I have no doubt he knew he was loved. I wish peace and comfort for you
I’m sorry for your loss. But I hope you find peace within you. We all do the best we can, given the limited knowledge and experience we may have. From your narration, it seems that you explored many options, weighed them carefully and made decisions the best way you knew how. That is enough.
In the end, I am sure your dad appreciated the love and care you gave him.
Karsten, I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. I can’t add much to all the kind thoughts others have expressed but just know it will get easier. My mom died about 3 weeks ago. I had trouble sleeping for a few days. I was haunted much more by her suffering in her final weeks than I was by her death. It was relief for her and everyone around her to see the pain finally end.
Don’t be afraid to take a mild sleeping pill for a few days. You need to rest. Good luck to you.
Rosses, beautifully said; your words brought tears to my eyes. But they also comforted me as I faced the same self doubt after my father's death. I still do, but I'm going to copy the posts from this and from other consolation threads and post them prominently where I can see them every day...and remember.
BuzzyBee, your analogy was fascinating, clever and comforting. Your words also comforted me. You do show a remarkable insight for analogy.
And there are so many other posts here which raise issues of doing as much as we can yet still feeling as though more could be done. We do second guess ourselves; I think that's normal. And as many have stated, we have to remember that we've done the best we can under challenging circumstances. These are times when, regardless of what we've done and feel, we still question ourselves, because the result is SO final.
Whenever I think of my father and my loss, I try to think that he's now free from the mortal and physical challenges of his last days, and wherever his soul is, he's probably already planning his next woodworking project!
K, yesterday was the 7 year anniversary of my mother’s passing. You are not alone in second guessing and shock. You were there. You advocated. You loved. You will love. Take care of you in all this too. My mom was 74.
Karsten, sending hugs and prayers for you and your family. When you read this, look in a mirror and repeat out loud --- 'I did my best'. NO ONE can expect any more! Life is a journey and you walked with Dad to the end. None of us are on the earth forever. Your newest angel is looking over you and Mom and thanking you for every effort you made. Call a nearby spa and book a massage for total relaxation. then come home and climb into bed for a well deserved rest.
Karsten, you have my sympathy. It is normal to try to explain the inexplicable, but please don't blame yourself for caring enough to try to make his life better.
Karsten, I am so sorry. I am crying for you and reading others beautiful and heartfelt comments from people who have been through this. How will we go on without our loved ones? We do everything we can, wanting to keep them with us forever. But it’s not meant to be. And even doing our very best, can’t change that. You made him proud, I’m sure of that. Try to get these last images out of your head and try to replace them with the last time you laughed together, or the warmth of the last time he hugged you. I hope somehow that will bring you comfort and you will be able to feel his presence. You’re a good daughter and your mom is lucky to have you.
He is your Angel now, and will always be with you, looking over your shoulder. He is gone from this earth, but never gone from your heart.
My mom passed away 5 years ago 4/25. She passed @ 3am. After my brother & I spent alittle time with her we left to go home, which was less than 10 miles away. I remember driving home that morning as dawn approached and the night was ending and thinking - she’s gone, my rock, my love, my mother. What kind of world will it be without her? But then I knew she was free - from her misery of dementia, not being able to walk, toilet herself, read or anything. My mother was a very resilient woman who took adversity by the horns and always moved forward. I knew that was what she wanted from me. But that ride home felt eery to me, sort of like a twilight zone. Like a spirit trance or something I can’t describe.
I wish you strength in the days ahead...the daughter your dad so lovingly raised. Represent him well going forward. That’s the best legacy our now gone parents can have.
Dreams are there for a reason. I dreamt of my dad for weeks after he had gone. Still do occasionally. I used to try and tell him (in my dream that he could not be here, he had to move on. He told me, he would, as soon as he knew I would be OK.
Thanks Buzzy, I just cannot go to sleep figuring I will have dreams where my dad is alive then I will wake up horrified. I do appreciate your admonition to stay stronger a little longer, I do need to do that for my mom and brothers.
Most people here know I 'shoot from the hip' and have weird ideas.
I would like you to think of the heart as an onion. (Told you I was weird. :) )
It has many different layers. The outside skin - protection. Lots and lots of layers - these are the layers of the heart that you have loved with - in so many different ways and so many times. The leaves - the parts you show the world - but not the 'whole' you. The roots - this is what shaped you into the lovely caring person you are today.
The centre - the heart if you will - the part where you will ALWAYS hold your most dear ones. It is deceptive, so much can be stored here and you will always have space for more. Sometime it may feel like it is breaking but it is flexible. It has protection, all the love you have shared and given - keeps it strong.
He is on the road now, heading to a far better place than earth. He will be smiling now. No pain and he can run again. He knows the love he had showered upon him. I am sure he sends it back in bucket loads.
He is always with you.
Sending you hugs and love, from my heart to yours.. You need to stay strong a little longer, then you can relax and move forward.
Thank you all. As said, I don't know how I could have dealt with recent weeks without the support of people I have never met but in cyberspace. I feel guilty because we moved my dad around a lot in recent weeks, and I am afraid that startled him. Today, my mom and I went there around lunch, and they had not wheeled him into lunch saying they preferred to let him rest. My mom and I requested that they tried to feed him. They did, and he began vomiting, and breathing heavily. I fear that had we not done this he would still be alive. On the other hand, he was not living . This moment was going to happen either today, three days from now, three weeks from now three months from now but no longer than that. I happen to believe he is in heaven now, but despite ones religious beliefs (and not judging anyone for having different beliefs or no beliefs) I think most would agree hes in a better place. Of course, some say being in severe dementia isn't so bad. Maybe the dementia patient is not suffering like the family I picked up my mom and went to the nursing home. Another brother met us there. (Ihave another brother in North Carolina). The hospice called and wanted to send over a nurse, but there were several deaths tonight (I don't know who they were, but feel a connection with them now) so they sent over a hospice chaplain and given our familys beliefs this worked out very well. I am afraid I am in shock now and not even feeling the worst of it. Of course my dad was 93, was in very good health until 91, so he or our family was not shortchanged. I know of so many such more tragic stories. But despite my trying to rationalize it this way, I still feel terrible Thank you all for helping me on this. I just worry how I will sleep or feel in the morning. But when the phone rang at ten thirty, and I saw the number of the nursing home, I knew it was bad news. Thank you all again. Everyone here has been very helpful.
i just want to add that without even needing to know you, what I do know for a fact is that most of us here, are here because we want to honestly do our very best for our loved ones, we want them to be cared for in the best possible way, we want them to feel loved and relevant, we worry about their mental, emotional and physical health....we really care and we really try.
You really tried. And you achieved it.
How do I know? Simply because you’re here, sharing your broken heart with us and wishing you had done things differently to help him even more. That, is love. That is someone that did his/her best...no doubt. And I can assure you that if you had actually done everything differently, you’d still be feeling the same: that you wish you had done things better.
That is simply because nothing, absolutely nothing is enough for the people we love! Yet, that doesn’t take away from all we do, and all you did and keep doing.
What a blessing your dad had in you! What a blessing your mom has in you! You are also blessed for having them in your life. Find some consolation in the peace that comes from realizing that your dad is now free from the sadness, pain and the many limitations that come with aging and illness, imagine him finally free and at peace, and looking at you with love and pride for the person you are and all the generosity you had in your heart specially through the last stages of his life.
Today your love for him just became inmutable, everlasting.
May God embrace you and your mom with His immense love and fill your hearts with acceptance and peace as you go through this!
Oh, Karsten, I'm so very sorry to learn of your father's passing. You put so much into good care for your father. You willingly fought battles for him and ensured that he was cared for as best as possible.
I could tell when I read your posts that you were devoted; you put him before yourself, and tried to balance caring for your mother as well.
Know that your father may just have decided to give up and ease himself away from the challenges he was facing. But know also that he would have recognized your devotion, even if he may have appeared to be unaware.
The nurses told me that hearing ability increases at death and that my father could hear everything I said, even if he didn't respond. So I'm confident that your father knew and appreciated the dedication and strength you showed in caring for him.
I wish you peace in your soul, confidence that you did everything you could, no recriminations as so many of us go through, strength to deal with your mother's probably intense and so sad reaction at the loss of her husband, and enough rest for you that you can quickly begin to recall the happier times.
So sorry for your loss. I still miss my Dad everyday. I understand, the guilty feelings. But we do the best we can and cannot do anymore than that. You and yours will be in my prayers, may God bless you.
I’m sorry for your loss. But I hope you find peace within you. We all do the best we can, given the limited knowledge and experience we may have. From your narration, it seems that you explored many options, weighed them carefully and made decisions the best way you knew how. That is enough.
In the end, I am sure your dad appreciated the love and care you gave him.
Don’t be afraid to take a mild sleeping pill for a few days. You need to rest. Good luck to you.
BuzzyBee, your analogy was fascinating, clever and comforting. Your words also comforted me. You do show a remarkable insight for analogy.
And there are so many other posts here which raise issues of doing as much as we can yet still feeling as though more could be done. We do second guess ourselves; I think that's normal. And as many have stated, we have to remember that we've done the best we can under challenging circumstances. These are times when, regardless of what we've done and feel, we still question ourselves, because the result is SO final.
Whenever I think of my father and my loss, I try to think that he's now free from the mortal and physical challenges of his last days, and wherever his soul is, he's probably already planning his next woodworking project!
He is your Angel now, and will always be with you, looking over your shoulder. He is gone from this earth, but never gone from your heart.
My mom passed away 5 years ago 4/25. She passed @ 3am. After my brother & I spent alittle time with her we left to go home, which was less than 10 miles away. I remember driving home that morning as dawn approached and the night was ending and thinking - she’s gone, my rock, my love, my mother. What kind of world will it be without her? But then I knew she was free - from her misery of dementia, not being able to walk, toilet herself, read or anything. My mother was a very resilient woman who took adversity by the horns and always moved forward. I knew that was what she wanted from me. But that ride home felt eery to me, sort of like a twilight zone. Like a spirit trance or something I can’t describe.
I wish you strength in the days ahead...the daughter your dad so lovingly raised. Represent him well going forward. That’s the best legacy our now gone parents can have.
Your dad had complex comorbidities that were life limiting. His body was shutting down and when that process starts, no one can do anything about it.
Please be gentle with yourself I the coming days and weeks.
((((((Hugs)))))). B
Dreams are there for a reason. I dreamt of my dad for weeks after he had gone. Still do occasionally. I used to try and tell him (in my dream that he could not be here, he had to move on. He told me, he would, as soon as he knew I would be OK.
Take care. Hugs
I am so sorry for your loss.
Most people here know I 'shoot from the hip' and have weird ideas.
I would like you to think of the heart as an onion. (Told you I was weird. :) )
It has many different layers.
The outside skin - protection.
Lots and lots of layers - these are the layers of the heart that you have loved with - in so many different ways and so many times.
The leaves - the parts you show the world - but not the 'whole' you.
The roots - this is what shaped you into the lovely caring person you are today.
The centre - the heart if you will - the part where you will ALWAYS hold your most dear ones. It is deceptive, so much can be stored here and you will always have space for more. Sometime it may feel like it is breaking but it is flexible. It has protection, all the love you have shared and given - keeps it strong.
He is on the road now, heading to a far better place than earth. He will be smiling now. No pain and he can run again. He knows the love he had showered upon him. I am sure he sends it back in bucket loads.
He is always with you.
Sending you hugs and love, from my heart to yours.. You need to stay strong a little longer, then you can relax and move forward.
Buzzy x x
Karsten,
i just want to add that without even needing to know you, what I do know for a fact is that most of us here, are here because we want to honestly do our very best for our loved ones, we want them to be cared for in the best possible way, we want them to feel loved and relevant, we worry about their mental, emotional and physical health....we really care and we really try.
You really tried. And you achieved it.
How do I know? Simply because you’re here, sharing your broken heart with us and wishing you had done things differently to help him even more.
That, is love.
That is someone that did his/her best...no doubt.
And I can assure you that if you had actually done everything differently, you’d still be feeling the same: that you wish you had done things better.
That is simply because nothing, absolutely nothing is enough for the people we love! Yet, that doesn’t take away from all we do, and all you did and keep doing.
What a blessing your dad had in you! What a blessing your mom has in you! You are also blessed for having them in your life. Find some consolation in the peace that comes from realizing that your dad is now free from the sadness, pain and the many limitations that come with aging and illness, imagine him finally free and at peace, and looking at you with love and pride for the person you are and all the generosity you had in your heart specially through the last stages of his life.
Today your love for him just became inmutable, everlasting.
May God embrace you and your mom with His immense love and fill your hearts with acceptance and peace as you go through this!
You've been running hard through this, so please try and rest in the days ahead - you were dad's hero
I could tell when I read your posts that you were devoted; you put him before yourself, and tried to balance caring for your mother as well.
Know that your father may just have decided to give up and ease himself away from the challenges he was facing. But know also that he would have recognized your devotion, even if he may have appeared to be unaware.
The nurses told me that hearing ability increases at death and that my father could hear everything I said, even if he didn't respond. So I'm confident that your father knew and appreciated the dedication and strength you showed in caring for him.
I wish you peace in your soul, confidence that you did everything you could, no recriminations as so many of us go through, strength to deal with your mother's probably intense and so sad reaction at the loss of her husband, and enough rest for you that you can quickly begin to recall the happier times.
Your dad is now at peace. I hope you will find peace in your heart, too.
You and yours will be in my prayers, may God bless you.
You did the best you could. You weren’t the only one making decisions. I am so sorry for your loss.