My mom is 84 and she has had strokes for the last 11 years. This is a very confusing time for me. I have a lot of emotional things going on. I live just a few houses up the street from my mom and instead of wanting to spend time with my dying mom I dread going down there and I wish I never had to go down there again. I've actually asked God in prayer 3 times to take my mom.
This is confusing because I love and miss my mom but I never want to be with her and I hope that I'll get the call saying that she's gone. It makes me dislike myself.
My mom is barely coherent and most of the time she is in a state of total misery. When awake she moans, groans and sometimes howls like a wounded animal. She grabs onto my arms and pulls me closer to her then she makes a horrible expression of fear with her mouth wide open and she looks into my eyes. When she does it I pull away. It's like a terrible nightmare. I try to stay out of her reach when I'm there.
I have to talk to her constantly while I'm there, she can't talk back. When I run out of things to say at first she starts grunting and if I don't start talking she will start howling with a horrible expression on her face.
I go there once per week to give my brother who is her care giver a break. I never want to go down there but if I stop, my brother gets so angry and then I feel bad then I have to go.
Something else that I find so confusing is that I always feel grossed out and disgusted every time I go down there. Why do I get so grossed out and why does it have to happen every time? I have to feed her and even that is gross. She drools which I have to clean up. The food often falls out of her mouth and I do have to change her diaper which I have never gotten used to.
To sum up, my mom and I were very close before these strokes which have turned her into a constantly suffering insane animal. The fact that I wish I had nothing to do with her care actually makes me hate myself a little bit and I don't know what to do. I can either stop going there and hate myself for it or begrudgingly go there every saturday and try to figure out how to cope with it.