My 86 yer old mother refuses Assisted Living; She lives alone. I have Durable power of Attorney. I am afraid if I place her in A.L. she will

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become depressed and combative. She has numerous health problems and some dimentia. Any suggestions?

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loving...then I think it's time to get help. I am going this weekend to try to find some good options as well. My mom will benefit from the company there at a NH and 24/7 help. One of ladies at one of the Retirement Hotels I visited (this one liked to call it that) said it's best to get them in before they get anyworse. Another lady at another place we will help you get them here. So it's a matter of the place you are seeking if they are friendly, and helpful and deal with special needs and medical requirements.

This website is a gov website and rates places

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/Include/DataSection/questions/SearchCriteriaNEW.asp?version=default&browser=IE%7C6%7CWinXP&language=English&defaultstatus=0&pagelist=Home&CookiesEnabledStatus=True
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Mom can't really do anything for hferself other than put the fork in her mouth. I have to cut her food, pull up her diaper, clean her after . She has someone who comes in 3 days a week to care for her to give me a break. On Saturday nights someone comes for 6 hours so that we can go out. The rest of the time it is only I who bears all the responsibility. Brother dear won't even come see her. Shse has been falling recently and even though she lives with us, I fear for her safety. I have to leave her alone sometimes,, but she can't be trusted anymore to do the right thing and make the right decisions while I am gone. She can use her exercise recumbent bike with supervision, but can't walk more than 10 feet without giving up.
The Parkinson's is getting worse and I have just hit the wall. I am giving her 6 more months until we move and get settled and then I am going to have to place her in a nursing home.
She weighs over 200 lbs. and is only about 4'9. So , I can't lift her or present her from falling.

How do I tell her it is time for he to go to a home???? I know it will break her heart, but I am done.
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In my many years of caregiving and family get togethers, I have only seen two older individuals who were really thrilled at being place in an Assisted Living Facility or Nursing Home. One of those two was so demented that she thought she was in New Jersey. The other was truly happy. If the need is there, and no other options are available, then by all means, go ahead and place your elder ( mother,father, grandmother/grandfather /aunt/ uncle in a facility that cares for the elderly not able to bathe, eat, dress, and take care of themselves. Always remember to be kind and do unto them as you would have them do unto you.
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I think it also comes down to a few more things.

1. Yes they hate it and possibly will hate us for doing it, but if they gave us Medical and Durable POA then that says that despite their current feedback or state, they have stated their trust of us to help keep them safe and cared for.

2. I think the fear is not only a hesitancy to fully accept and use the authority given us by POA, but also fear of really relating to our parent as the adult/child to parent instead of reverting back emotionally to relating to our parent as the child to parent.

3. Now some parents want us as their adult-children to related to them as if we were still their little girl or their little boy out of a desire to control and sometimes to enslave, but that is not what they really need nor you really need to do.

4. If we have trouble functioning with our parent as the adult child instead of the child, then it's time to get some therapy on that for taking care of elderly family members will bring forth unresolved issues in the parent/child relationship. Personally this is true of me and I'm very glad that I'm in therapy. I'm not going to lay it all out here but several people her know enough of my personal story that they probably have an idea how therapy is helping me.

5. So, in closing, I'm going to say something no atty will probably ever say 'Take thou the authority of being your parent's POA and use it to the fullest exent of the law in making sure your parent is safe and cared for!' Go and do this for you have the legal authority and responsibility to go to it. So, if there's something that your POA gives you authority to do and it needs to be done, then make it so.
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I think you just answered yourself...we just hate doing this because they hate it as well....but you have to think that so many actually like it once they are there...and have a complete staff that can help with lifts, bathing, etc.
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Yes, but what is best??????????? It has to be a nursing home since she is so disabled and past whatAL can do for her.
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daughter,,,if I can butt in....I would say ( and I know I have to take this advice myself) is that you have to do what's best for both situations.
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I am looking at the same situation. Mom is "sharp as a tack" as they say, but her body has failed her from the neck down. We are moving as seen as we can sell our house( another grime story. don't have to move but are looking forward to a 55 and over lifestyle). How do let her know that as soon as we move, we will be looking for a new place for her. She has been with us almost 4 and 1/2 years and I can't lift her or handle her anymore since she is so heavy and her Parkinson's is really increasing rapidly. How do i do this???? Carol, if you are there, I need some advice.
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N1 it doesnt help when you berate us..I saw what you wrote on your board about whining...hmmmrpf! And as you can see from many posters that an Assisted Living Facility does not have to be that bad, you have to find a nice one and the right one. It seems many have adjusted once they get there. My mom is so lonely and does have caregivers during the week but I worry about her during the times she is alone and would love to know that if she is in an Assisted Living place there would be someone around the clock. Plus she can make friends and have meals prepared with older taste buds in mind.

So please don't berate us...support us! In many instances we are not qualified to deal with the onslaught of geriatric medicine and mental instablilty. It's not like diapering and feeding a baby like you mention about payback time. Babies don't talk back and make up wild stories to contend with.
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What a blessing! Good for you in making a tough decision. It is so good to hear that in 3 months she has already made a great transition and the move brought her happiness she was not expecting. Best to her and you !!!
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