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become depressed and combative. She has numerous health problems and some dimentia. Any suggestions?

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loving...then I think it's time to get help. I am going this weekend to try to find some good options as well. My mom will benefit from the company there at a NH and 24/7 help. One of ladies at one of the Retirement Hotels I visited (this one liked to call it that) said it's best to get them in before they get anyworse. Another lady at another place we will help you get them here. So it's a matter of the place you are seeking if they are friendly, and helpful and deal with special needs and medical requirements.

This website is a gov website and rates places

http://www.medicare.gov/NHCompare/Include/DataSection/questions/SearchCriteriaNEW.asp?version=default&browser=IE%7C6%7CWinXP&language=English&defaultstatus=0&pagelist=Home&CookiesEnabledStatus=True
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Mom can't really do anything for hferself other than put the fork in her mouth. I have to cut her food, pull up her diaper, clean her after . She has someone who comes in 3 days a week to care for her to give me a break. On Saturday nights someone comes for 6 hours so that we can go out. The rest of the time it is only I who bears all the responsibility. Brother dear won't even come see her. Shse has been falling recently and even though she lives with us, I fear for her safety. I have to leave her alone sometimes,, but she can't be trusted anymore to do the right thing and make the right decisions while I am gone. She can use her exercise recumbent bike with supervision, but can't walk more than 10 feet without giving up.
The Parkinson's is getting worse and I have just hit the wall. I am giving her 6 more months until we move and get settled and then I am going to have to place her in a nursing home.
She weighs over 200 lbs. and is only about 4'9. So , I can't lift her or present her from falling.

How do I tell her it is time for he to go to a home???? I know it will break her heart, but I am done.
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In my many years of caregiving and family get togethers, I have only seen two older individuals who were really thrilled at being place in an Assisted Living Facility or Nursing Home. One of those two was so demented that she thought she was in New Jersey. The other was truly happy. If the need is there, and no other options are available, then by all means, go ahead and place your elder ( mother,father, grandmother/grandfather /aunt/ uncle in a facility that cares for the elderly not able to bathe, eat, dress, and take care of themselves. Always remember to be kind and do unto them as you would have them do unto you.
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I think it also comes down to a few more things.

1. Yes they hate it and possibly will hate us for doing it, but if they gave us Medical and Durable POA then that says that despite their current feedback or state, they have stated their trust of us to help keep them safe and cared for.

2. I think the fear is not only a hesitancy to fully accept and use the authority given us by POA, but also fear of really relating to our parent as the adult/child to parent instead of reverting back emotionally to relating to our parent as the child to parent.

3. Now some parents want us as their adult-children to related to them as if we were still their little girl or their little boy out of a desire to control and sometimes to enslave, but that is not what they really need nor you really need to do.

4. If we have trouble functioning with our parent as the adult child instead of the child, then it's time to get some therapy on that for taking care of elderly family members will bring forth unresolved issues in the parent/child relationship. Personally this is true of me and I'm very glad that I'm in therapy. I'm not going to lay it all out here but several people her know enough of my personal story that they probably have an idea how therapy is helping me.

5. So, in closing, I'm going to say something no atty will probably ever say 'Take thou the authority of being your parent's POA and use it to the fullest exent of the law in making sure your parent is safe and cared for!' Go and do this for you have the legal authority and responsibility to go to it. So, if there's something that your POA gives you authority to do and it needs to be done, then make it so.
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I think you just answered yourself...we just hate doing this because they hate it as well....but you have to think that so many actually like it once they are there...and have a complete staff that can help with lifts, bathing, etc.
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Yes, but what is best??????????? It has to be a nursing home since she is so disabled and past whatAL can do for her.
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daughter,,,if I can butt in....I would say ( and I know I have to take this advice myself) is that you have to do what's best for both situations.
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I am looking at the same situation. Mom is "sharp as a tack" as they say, but her body has failed her from the neck down. We are moving as seen as we can sell our house( another grime story. don't have to move but are looking forward to a 55 and over lifestyle). How do let her know that as soon as we move, we will be looking for a new place for her. She has been with us almost 4 and 1/2 years and I can't lift her or handle her anymore since she is so heavy and her Parkinson's is really increasing rapidly. How do i do this???? Carol, if you are there, I need some advice.
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N1 it doesnt help when you berate us..I saw what you wrote on your board about whining...hmmmrpf! And as you can see from many posters that an Assisted Living Facility does not have to be that bad, you have to find a nice one and the right one. It seems many have adjusted once they get there. My mom is so lonely and does have caregivers during the week but I worry about her during the times she is alone and would love to know that if she is in an Assisted Living place there would be someone around the clock. Plus she can make friends and have meals prepared with older taste buds in mind.

So please don't berate us...support us! In many instances we are not qualified to deal with the onslaught of geriatric medicine and mental instablilty. It's not like diapering and feeding a baby like you mention about payback time. Babies don't talk back and make up wild stories to contend with.
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What a blessing! Good for you in making a tough decision. It is so good to hear that in 3 months she has already made a great transition and the move brought her happiness she was not expecting. Best to her and you !!!
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hello everyone...long time since I posted. Well, here's what has happened since Jan. 1. I have placed mom in an AL center. And after 3 months, she loves it! The only way I was able to get her to go to AL was by threatening to take her to court and obtain guardianship over her. Two of her primary care physicians told me they would write letters on my behalf expressing to the judge that mom was no able to live alone to her Parkinson's issues and her increasing dementia. When I told mom what the doctors were willing to do and the fact that judges usually side with recommendations by doctors in guardianship cases, she begrundingly agree to leave her home. I must admit the day I moved her in was difficult. Maybe the most trying and emotionally upsetting of my 55 years. I stayed with her for 3 days after her move to ensure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. I can share with you that after three months, mom is happy, has made many friends, and her emotional health seems to be much improved. The key for this miraculous turnound was having the full support and blessing of her doctor's (in writing) and the fact that Probate/Family court would rule in my favor. I feel terrible that I had to threaten mom to get her to move out, but in the end it was the best strategy for both of us. I guess you could say it was a "win-win" situation.
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When I placed my mom in a ALF it took her a while to adjust but now she does not want to leave. SHe has meals prepared for her, people to eat with, and she is NEVER alone. She just told me the other day how happy she was. I think in almost all cases at some point they end up liking it for many reasons. The best advise I can give you in looking for a ALF, is spend the time researching places and go visit them. Go visit lots of them. There are many types of places so it is important that you find something the compliments your moms personality and personal life. There are huge big commerical places all they way down to private home where only 4-6 people live there. I visited at least 20 places and did a lot of drive bys. I found the perfect place but it took some time. And she is now happy and I have a piece of mind. (until she runs out of money) Know in your heart you are doing the best thing for her. Good luck
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Gary: what personally helped me a great deal through my caregiving journey - was the fact that I hooked up with my local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association...they are also online - and can be contacted 24/7 at the 800#. You have received some excellent advise. Now you have to start to put this advise into action. The sooner you do so-the better off everone wil be. There are also online support groups where you might be able to obtain more valuable information. Good Luck!
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If she has a lawyer that she's known for several years and values her opinion, it might help to get his comment about her giving you medical POA. I did that with my mother and it worked because Durable POA was easier to get than medical POA.

I had her lawyer draw up both POA's and he has a notary in his office. Also, you will want to make sure to file your Durable POA with the Register of Deeds if you have not already. I have given a copy to the medical records person at the hospital and to all of her doctors. I carry a copy of both POAs in the glove compartment of both of my cars in case of an emergency.

In dealing with people, I often look for lines on indirect influence when I run into brick walls. For example, my step-sister is great help in dealing with both my step-brother and my step-dad. See if you can find an indirect line of influence to get your mother on track.

Becoming depressed and combative is often seen in people with Dementia.

I hope for the best for both you and your mother.

If you wonder where in the world my username came from, I thought it was better than a nickname given to me and my sons by a friend who would say when he saw us three. "Well, there's Rambo Crowe and the Crowe-ets"
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This Crowemagnum guy is correct in so far as he stated that a POA for Medical and Financial is easier to obtain than going through the tough guardianship route. The difficult part is getting the patient ( mother/father ) to SIGN OVER, with notarization, the POA's. Don't forget they have to have an attorney present ( representing them) when they sign it over, plus at least one witness.
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garyjo73,

This is wonderful progress. One more suggestion. If the doctor does determine that she is not able to conduct her own business in a business like manner then you need a noterized statement from him to you concerning that. I got this from both my mother's general physical that sees her in the nursing home and from her neurologist in light of some advice from our laywer.

However, you really must get both durable and medical POA before she's declared incompetent and I don't remember if you said that you have these yet. Without the POA's and with statements of incompetency, the you would have the tough route of guardianship to go for to help your mother when she her demintia goes even deeper because without the POAs, you will not be able to conduct her business or make medical decisions once she is no longer able to.
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garyjo73,
Good luck. Do you have any help with her? Look into your local Senior Services office and see what is available.
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hey everyone...I appreciate the advice and kinds words. Here's where I am with Mom. She has agreed to a private nurse to come in once a week for med checks. That alone is huge victory because I sense she is realizing she DOES need some assistance. Also, I have persuaded to get an evalution from a geriatric specialist (M.D.). I had to "lie" and tell her the physician specializes in bladder infections in older women (I know...but I have to get her evaluated). I am hopeful that the evaluation will provide me both management tools for her care, and possibly lead pharmaceutical treatment to calm her down. Mom's mental state goes from normal to agitated depending on the day. She has been diagnosed with early dementia.
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Here is the other side of the issue. If she is not making wise, clearheaded decisions, then she cannot adequately speak for herself. You are the one who needs to do what is best. What is best is not always what they want, but it is what is needed. Many nursing homes and AL are very nice and well run. Don't settle on your first look, do your homework. Private care is great. We have it, but it is very expensive. Visiting Nurse will only come if there has been a change in her condition or she has recently been in the hospital. I have had them here many times and they are wonderful, but limited.
Most of all, don't feel guilt if you decide on placement. Just like a child who does not want tot go to school, we know they must go. We reverse the roles as we age and it is not easy on any of us. Take care and good luck.
Linda
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So.....Why put her in an Assisted Living facility if she doesn't want to go? Some day she may allow that, but not now. Call The Visitng Nurse Association or another in-home care company and let someone in to take care of her everyday. How would YOU feel if the situation were reversed? Have you visited these places? Visit after six p.m. or late at night and you'll see a different story than the up-beat daytime exercise classes and dining room atmosphere. Not so nice, huh?
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Been there - done that...and you might be suprised it may be easier than you think. Yes your Mom is resisting, as she does not want to loose what indepence she has left. Her health issues will be evaluated, and taken care of by the nusing staff. You will probably have more peace of mind knowing that she will be looked after 24/7--and eventually, she may even become more active. Her combativeness may even disipate. If you have a facility in mind, go for a tour, ask questions, and present the answers to your Mom (if possible)---It is a big step, but a win win situation. The AL facility-can probably guide you through this transion.
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Get medical POA and banking(financial) POA as well as real estate. I have all three and make all the decisions. Set boundaries, stick to them and be firm. Don't become a doormat!!!!!!!!

I have a great agency;not all are so good. Look and ask friends and community members for recommendations. It took me three times to find the right one.
good luck
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Do you have medical POA? I think it would be stronger for getting her into an assisted living place and keeping her there than just the Durable which I think only deals with finances. She sounds like my mother in law who demands her cancer fighting daughter to look out for her because she lives right down the street and is the type of person who would alienate anyone that my sister in law would hire to take care of her mom. No wonder the book "Mommy Dearest" was written!
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find a good homecare agency to come in her home and take care of her 24/7. She will do very well and you will have peace of mind.
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Place her where she is going to be sfe and cared for. If she does not like it, she will get over it when she sees the care she is receiving. My MIL was a difficult woman and wanted nothing to do with it. One month later, she was too busy for her daughter because she had friends and didn't want to miss Bingo!!!!!!
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