HELP ME! My mother-in-law has turned into a Monster-In-Law.

Follow
Share

My mother in law came to live with us in July. She was recovering from Open Heart surgery and a host of other medical probelms.

My husband and I took her in with the intention that she would only stay for a month or so and then moveinto her own place with the help of aging services, whcih provide everything you can imagine to keep elderly people in their own home.

But she is not going anywhere. The problem is that not only is she extrememly difficult to live with, her behavior upsets my husband to the point of him practically being unable to work. Yet he won't have her leave because of the guilt.

Things she does:

~ Ignores our house rules and preferences, doing pretty much whatever she wants
~ Ignores her health, fighting with hubby when she is ill and needs to go to the dr, And then doing crazy things like trying to walk out of the house or threatening to take her car (she is forbidden to drive by the Dr.)
~ Says awful things to hubby when seh is angry, basically implying that she wished he had never been born.
~ Is extrememly lound and disregards our rules for our children.

I could go on. My husband and I are at each others throats. I hate going home and feel like I am working myself into the ground to support her as well as to pay for a home that I can't stand being in.

I feel guilty because I hate her. Sehis abusive to the perosn I love, has ignored her own health to the point of serious illness and has a sense of entitlement like a 4 year old.

We are in counseling to help, but mostly it makes things worse as my husband tries to deal with years and years of abuse that he has shoved aside to care for her. I am bitter and angry and watching my beautiful life go down the tubes because of this awful person in my home. Hubby loves her and she has raised him to believe that he owes her because hse chose to bring him into the world. He is more like a father to her than a son, emotionally.

Please someone tell me there is a solution besides divorce. I am scared.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
17

Comments

Show:
SoAlone,

I checked her wall and noticed that someone congratulated her for putting the abusive MIL out of the house!
(0)
Report

After I posted I realized to how old the original post was and I wonder what happened to. Maybe the sister is still taking care of her mother. Maybe that worked out better. I hope so.
(0)
Report

This sounds like your mother-in-law is going through a lot of personal emotions like regret, saddness, and anger. These are all personal emotions that just happen to eminate into your home and your personal life. This is unfortunate, but trust that she is not intentionally trying to impact your life, but it is a personal struggle for her.
I don't think that anyone is ready to take care of the parents, or become caregivers when they are not expecting it, but when it happens there is stress for both parties involved. Not only are you stressed out but your mother-in-law is also feeling stressed and upset about the situation.
I am sorry to hear that she is making such an impact on your space and your life, and caregiving can be VERY emotionally upsetting.
You have options for your mother-in-law. She could go to a Senior Assisted Living home, or an adult day center, to help you with the situation; but also it would help her in understanding that she needs help and you may not be able to provide everything she needs.
Talk with a senior care specialist to find out what option is best for your mother-in-law...a geriatric care manager can help you in your area. The website in my profile offers a free service to you and your husband for your needs.

Wishing you the best,
Ron Kustek
(0)
Report

You know the original post was dated Nov 27, 2009 from 'angryallthetime'. I'm wondering what ever happened to the mother-in-law situation?
(0)
Report

First, since you cannot handle being her caregiver (I would not be able to either) and since you hate her - do NOT let her back into your house. If you ever start thinking of letter her back then read your post here again about how awful it was.

If she is able to care for herself move her back to her home with Home Health. Talk your husband into feeling guilty enabling her to depend on you and ruining your marriage if he needs to feel guilty about something.

Then next time she needs to go to the hospital for her heart or whatever - call 911 and send her by ambulance. When she is discharged the hospital needs to send her to an assisted living place that medicare can pay for.

It does not sound like there is enough LOVE to even think of being her caregiver in your home so do not do it. Again, I know I could not do it either.

I know it is much easier to give advice than to take it yourself. I feel guilty everyday about not having my dad here with me.. but I know it would be an even worse h3ll than worrying about him where he is.
(0)
Report

I have an 'almost' exact situation going on (heart surgery, the works)... however, my MIL is not abusive, just manipulative... She leaves her dishes in the sink to be put in the dishwasher by someone else, she stays in her room ALL day and watches TV only to scuttle out to get food and returns right back to her room with her meal, she says that the doctor and the therapists told her to expect a 6-12 month recovery!! (I don't think I can make it that long) but according to experienced nurses we know, 6-8 weeks should be plenty! She is not helping herself at all. She can drive herself to the doctors and ALWAYS stops at Wendys or wherever to get something to eat and drink and even the grocery store to buy herself 'private' food items that we're not willing to pay $6/bottle for, yet she won't walk for exercise. She complains about therapy and how hard it is, complains about how hard it is to climb stairs (because we'd like her to move up there and out of the front room where people enter the house!) yet, she's walking the grocery store, getting in and out of a car, walking to therapy, etc. Yet she says she's 'not ready' to move upstairs'. Also, she won't help around the house, AT ALL- no dishes, no cooking, no nothing... She's also been saying mean things to me... 'jabbing' comments about taking personal time away from home, about how the people from MY High school probably aren't doing as well as my husband and I are, about how WONDERFUL of a husband I have and I should feel lucky, etc.. I finally stopped doing anything extra to help her. I gave her a laundry basket and told her where to find the extra supplies, we eat dinner and let her know she's welcome (which she hardly does because she eats in front of her TV in her room!), and I just don't treat her like she's sick anymore- because she's not. She's depressed and she needs help. I have her seeing a therapist at least and I hope that'll help- but 6 more months... I don't think I can take it! Thank goodness I have a therapist myself! (now there's some good advice- get a therapist for yourself- someone who will listen and understand completely). My husband listens, but he is the son... he feels guilty too. So do it for yourself girl!
(0)
Report

taking keys away - or finding a less direct way to do this (losing them, disabling the car, etc.) is necessary because one of the terrible aftermaths of an accident is also the possibility of being wiped out financially, not only the driver, but also you if, knowing s/he had dementia, you kept letting him/her drive.
(0)
Report

oh i remeber takin my dad s keys away oh my lord was he madddd !!! he fight with me aruge with me threaten me , whew it was war but he got over it after realize that i wasnt goingto give it in . tol dhim i will drive him anywhere he wants to go cuz i dont want him riskin his life or runover some small child or who ever eles and created a bigger pblms .
man i drove him back and forth from fla to indiana back to fla . haha it was a trip i tell ya and finaly he got too sick to travel anymore and now is in indiana ,
finaly found the meds after a whole year that helps him mellow out is xannax . it calms him down and his axnity doesnt rise , he used to be hyperactive man , always on the go. glad dr prescribe it , its safer than other harsh strong meds .
(0)
Report

Taking the car keys away is probably the wisest thing but be ready for ww111 they realy hate losing that privilege most of all but if she had an accident and hurt someone or herself you would feel very guilty.
(0)
Report

Sounds to me like she needs some meds to cool her out. The best thing is if you can find a geriatric MD to consult with you. ALso sounds like you both need a support group or therapy for yourselves so hubby isn't trapped in old craziness. I used to say to the parents of unruly 3-4-5 year olds who complained they couldn't make him do anything - who is bigger? you or him? YOu and hubby are bigger than she is. If you find a place (and she can afford it), go for it. The only constraint on you now is to do your best to see that she is safe. (Which probably means going off with her car keys.)
(0)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions