My wife is too attached to her mother.
My wife and I have been married for 1 year now and have one beautiful son together. We are a happy family when my MIL is not in the picture. My problem is that she's ALWAYS in the picture.
My MIL lives at a convenient distance from us. Not too close, yet not far enough.but she stays at our home every time she shows up (2days as minimum)
I understand that she needs time to be with her mother and That's why I don't complain about not seeing and talking my wife at times my MIL is around
my MIL and FIL live together for over 26 years however my FIL is complaining sometimes about his life with her in between my FIL is such harmless person I truly respect him, what it really hurts me is that the women in this family were all trained from birth that mother knows best and that mother is the only thing that matters in this world.
My MIL thinks that I, as a 30 years old man don’t know shit and she is the only one knows everything and she is always right,
Excuse my French, but that's bull $h!t. I agree that mothers are certainly very important in our lives, but they are not EVERYTHING in our lives. I love my mother more than most things in this world. However, I'm married now. I can't shove my wife's and kid needs aside in order to make my mother happy.
I don't want my MIL to be in the picture while I so desperately try to enjoy QUALITY time with my family.
This lady craves more attention than a 6 month old child. She's constantly complaining about being tired about how much she is helping us and etc. Let me add that she's only 51 years old. It's sickening to me how my wife falls for her manipulation.
I've spoken to my wife on a number of occasions and she always changes for a while. Then of course the MIL always manages to make my wife feel guilty. I love my wife so much but I cant take this situation any longer, my wife is so attached to her mother and her mother knows everything about our lives even she asks my wife how is our sex life can you imagine? I can't take this situation any longer and even though I love my wife so much but I feel I cant pretend to be happy anymore, im puzzled ,im so tired I don’t know what is the right thing to do
Get busy. Plan outings for you and your family so that you are busy people. And no, MIL is not invited to come along. Both of you need to learn about healthy boundaries.
And you should request that your wife stop talking about your sex life with her mother. If you do not speak up, nothing will change.
My wife was too attached to her manipulative mother. It was a real struggle for her to get her freedom but she did get help from a therapist. My therapist gave me some ideas about consequences. For example, my wife broke a boundary that she had agreed to about her mom. The consequence was that our boys and I left the house to stay in a hotel while her mother visited. Now that got my wife's attention. Things began to change after that. I'm not saying to do this in your situation, but it worked for me.
Your wife is enmeshed with her mom and thus has failed to truly bound with you as your wife. If she will get help and get her freedom, the intimate bound of your marriage will be much better. I wish you the very best.
Forcing you two who are doctors to give your baby a medicine that you know doesn't help. She must have made a very big threat to force that into taking place.
How would that work? Is MIL mentally ill? Narcissistic? Borderline Pwrsonality Disorder?
When she notices that you're gone every time her mother arrives, she'll realize that she doesn't have a true marriage.
What would happen if you did something drastic like refuse entry to the MIL? She must not be allowed to let her prejudice and hostility come between you.
This is a terrible position, because she's rejected you and is forcing her daughter to choose between the two of you. It may be that in her country, extended family living is the norm, and sadly, the cultural issues may be more than your marriage can bear.
Are there any Belarussians that your wife can lean on for support? Maybe other young wives have had similar boundary issues.
Good luck- I hear your deep anger and frustration from being around this manipulative, castrating Alpha female.
She, too, sounds deeply unhappy. Therapy for all!
she just wants complete control of the home and every one who lives there !!
Well.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT???
You must - surely you *must* - have known that you were going to have a mountain of prejudice to overcome?
Your MIL will probably have a great many ideas about how Iranian men - especially Iranian, because the fact that you have *left* Iran clearly hasn't sunk in fully - treat their wives. Not positive ideas, either.
Your FIL probably entertains similar ideas but views them more wistfully than negatively.
Their daughter the doctor has now married a man they probably expect to treat her badly. There goes her career, now that she's stuck at home with a baby. There goes her independence. And she's chosen a husband who, who knows, may have half a dozen more wives dotted around the place and will have her veiled before long and may take her back - horrors! - to Iran any day now...
Basically, your MIL is not thrilled to have you around. Tell me that surprises you?
Europeans in general know very little about Persian culture; and even by those modest standards Belarus is not famous for its progressive and enlightened views.
Have you tried charm on your MIL?
Has your wife's family met any of your family? Do you have any sisters they could get to know, for example? Once they meet some actual Iranian ladies, as opposed to the caricatures they've read about, quite a lot of their fears might be put to rest.
You're going to have to decide whether you're going to stick to the long view, or give it up as a bad job. If you want to stay in Belarus with your wife and your baby and build your family's life there, then you will have to start chipping away at all that ignorance. It will take ages, and it will take effort, and only you can know whether you're up for it.
If you are prepared to give it enough time and patience, your child - maybe children, that would be nice - will grow up with the best of both worlds and you will teach your MIL, slowly, that she has very much misjudged you. I hope you succeed.
Be charming ( even if it hurts)
Assume that what feels rude and disrespectful to you is actually a " cultural misunderstanding". As in " ah, mama, you think perhaps i should take paternity leave so Alessia can go to work? We've discussed that, and Alessia and i have decided.... ( here, you fill in what you and your wife have decided).
" ah, mama, you think (insert stuff anout childrearing, sex, marriage, family vacations). That may be the Belarussian way. In my country we....... But Alessia and I think......
Do you understand what I'm saying? As i mentioned before, it may take counseling.
before getting married i invited all of them to iran and they stayed in our house fore a month then we got married ( a great wedding with more than 600 guests )
the reason i left iran , i moved to hungary when i was a teen i also studied there then i came here, beside what you said she loves to go and live in iran because doctors earn a lot of money,
yes i tried to be charming but the problem is her character not culture ,
she has problem with her SIL ,with her MIL and almost all her relatives , no one actually invite her to their ceremonies because she is bossy , because she wants to leave comment for everything , i dont say she is bad no she has a good heart that what it makes it harder because you know what she says or what she does is just because of character i dont know how to deal with it i dont know how to convince my wife that she is manipulating you
As you say, the problem is her "character" as you say...and " disordered personality", as I would say. Do you have marriage counselors, or psychiatrist at your hospital? YOU will not be able to convine your wife of anything. She needs an objective, outside perspective from a professional.
And the two of you, together, need help.
What kind of MD is she? Tell her from me ( I'm a school psychologist) that it's not crazy people who come to see us. It's the folks who LIVE with crazy folks who come to see us!
Perhaps you could ask her, for your sake, to come see a therapist so that she could explain her idea of marriage and family so that you can "adjust" to her and her family' s was of thinking.