Mother accusing me of being mean, neglecting and or hurting her.

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I don't know if I am looking for answers as much as for sympathy and support.


My mother's latest game (has been going on for a while) is to act like a hostage or battered woman. She may have playing that hand too well, though and it may have backfired.


Examples include: We were in the car and I stopped to greet a neighbor - one who Mom had not yet met. Mom blurts out "She's mean to me" and points in my direction.


I was invited to a party and had no one to leave Mom with. My gracious host let me bring her. After waiting on her hand and foot, I was taking her to the bathroom, clearly supporting her so that she could walk. She turns to a group of party guests and says "She never helps me". Okaaay, Mom, who looks the fool now, I am clearly helping you right now.


She is continuously doing this wide opened eyed "scared" look and refusing to speak when I am with her in front of anyone.


But the one where she has overplayed her hand... I have caregivers come in during the week while I work. Caregiver #1 just gave me the heads up that Mom told caregiver #2 that I push her. Caregiver #2 was very concerned and asked my mother if she should call someone for her. I guess Mom realized that she shouldn't have said what she said because she did tell Caregiver #2 not to call anyone.


I have never harmed my mother nor given her any rational reason to be afraid of me. Her game hurts my feelings and I am tired of her trying to embarrass me.


If someone takes one of her complaints seriously, she is going to find herself out on the street. She is living in MY house. If there were ever to be a formal allegation of abuse, she will find herself out of MY house!

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AngieJoy, that's funny. Your poor neglected dad being so mistreated. :-P
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Dad is fairly subtle about it, but I do think that he makes an effort to appear neglected. I spoke to my brother last week, and he said, "I think Dad is bored." I said, "I just took him to World Market, out to lunch, and to the bookstore. Didn't he mention that to you?" No, of course he hadn't.
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My mother has to wear hearing aids' in both ears, and needs people to look directly at her. When someone is talking to her. I was accused of neglecting my mother, today. Coming back to the parking garage from the dentist, I suddenly had to make a 'pit stop', without telling my mother. She went on a verbal tirade when I finally did catch up with her. She said it was another example of when I was a kid. But, today, I couldn't take the time to explain to her what I needed to do.
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And, what is it with this? She can't pick up after herself at all - waits for the staff to take care of it (that's me in case you didn't get it). Cereal bowl will sit on the counter, banana peel, wrappers, anything that has been dropped on the floor. But when I am trying to clean up a poop explosion, all of a sudden she just HAS to help.
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Caregiver #1 told me that Mom said that I had screamed at her. Hell yeah, I screamed at her. Screamed like I have never screamed before (and that is saying a lot as I was a police officer in a very rough neighborhood - I have screamed before). She had an explosive blowout and I was elbow deep in poop and she would not listen to anything I was saying about not moving... except to head to the shower, don't touch that, stop that, etc.

Caregiver's response to the "snitching"? "Well, don't say anything to Caregiver #2"

I love Caregiver 1
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Mom2Mom, you are handling things so well. Sometimes all we can do is rolls our eyes. When we grow up with someone, we pretty much know what to expect. People can tell us that something is because of age or because of disease. When I hear this, all I can think is that they don't know my mother. When we do know them, we aren't surprised by what they do, but it can still be irritating. It makes life not so fun when they live with you. I like that you reached the same conclusion as I have -- that if some complaint ever creates real trouble that she'll have to find other accommodations. I have a feeling that you have a good grasp on things. It's just that life would be so much more enjoyable if they weren't so darn difficult.
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I suppose that you know your mom, however, I wouldn't be certain that her behavior is manipulation, a show or just another one of her attempts to embarrass you. Here's a link about how it works sometimes.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/dementia-behavior-manipulation-154554.htm

I would still keep an open mind on why she is making these comments and accusations. Does she believe they are true in her mind?

If she is indeed just doing it for sport and to be mean, I might take a break from her as a caregiver. I wouldn't tolerate verbal abuse from a competent person who is just trying to hurt me. Nothing good can come from that, except scars for life. She would have to make other arrangements. And if she's competent, then I would leave it up to her to make her own healthcare and home care decisions.
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Thank you all for the empathy and support. It was what I needed.

I am not concerned about her lies getting me into legal trouble. I have over 30 years in law enforcement and courts and I know that there is no way that there would ever be probable cause established. It is more the hurt feelings I get over her desire to embarrass me.

It should come as no surprise to me, though. She has always parented by embarrassment. I cannot tell you how many times she enjoyed telling embarrassing stories (about us and in front of us) just to see us squirm.

Luckily, the people who matter most to me see right through her and rather than her tearing me down, she has made me look like the hero for putting up with her games.

This past weekend, my brother and his family came out to visit and she did her whole act - pretending to be afraid to speak when I am in the room, refusing to eat anything for dinner because "You know I don't like pizza" - even though she eats it all the time.

SIL is a psychologist and she went out of her way to let me know that she knew it was all an act. My brother told me that he knew Mom was playing games and he doesn't understand what she is up to considering that I take good care of her.

So, in the end, mom looks the fool when she does this crap.
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My sister went so far as to say "I'd have put a plastic bag over her head long ago." She would of course never have suffocated my mother in reality. She was just expressing, somewhat colourfully, how unsuited she felt herself to be to the caregiver's role.
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Hope I don't come off as too much of a whiner myself here. What I'm saying is, there are often good reasons for professionals to be the caregivers, and that folks shouldn't feel guilty about that.

I'm also fond of saying that my own mom would be dead three times over had she been in non-professional (i.e., my) care. Each time she's had pneumonia, staff at the NH noticed well before there were any "hard" signs...
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