Several weeks ago, upon learning that Mother has chosen to have a 2nd hip replacement done, we sibs were all shocked. The youngest sib took it upon herself to get this stopped. Even tho we all told her she couldn't have Mother declared incompetent, she endured, so we let her.

Sis called the surgeon's office. The nurse there is her friend and disclosed (in my opinion) WAAAAAY too much info. My BROTHER is the designated go-to, NOT this sister. But that's another story, HIPAA is a joke anyway.

The nurse told my sis that my mom does NOT NEED the surgery, but she was so insistent that the doc got it Okayed. He is a great dr., I know he did this so she wouldn't shop around and get some back alley bozo to operate on her. A lot of other info was disclosed, too. Nothing that was shocking or upsetting, esp to the 2 of us sibs who routinely see and care for Mother. But still, NOT the nurses' place to share this very personal medical history.
In the end, my sis drew up a "talking points bulletin" and emailed each of the rest of us a copy, then demanded we all go together to see Mother and force her to not have surgery. Well, since the other 4 of us had already talked, and while we agree having the surgery is a really, really poor choice on Mother's part, we are not going to stop her. We all, individually, talked to her and made it clear that we do NOT support her decision, but respect that she can & will make her own decisions. She understands that she is very likely to come back from this in a much worse condition--currently she can walk with a walker. That is likely not going to be the case afterwards. She is facing a week (minimum) in hospital with a 6-8 weeks stay at a rehab facility. She has verbally told us she understands that she cannot come home before the dr releases her. She knows that 4/5 sibs are in agreement with this and she is not to play one off another, as she did last year. She has agreed. (She also sort of agreed not to try to hit me, but I can't hold her to that.)

My brother did find the long term care policy my dad had bought for her, for this exact situation. He hated that his family had to care for him at home until his death. He paid a small fortune so mother would not follow in his footsteps. But the brother with whom she lives, says that this time, even if she comes home wheelchair bound, he will modify the apartment to accommodate the wheelchair. I think he's crazy and we need to see how her rehab goes and look at some long term care facilities--but in the end, since she lives with the one brother, if his family is amenable to this new dynamic, we won't fight him. (Very likely there is some way he will get paid for having her in his home and doing all the work.) As is only fair.

Mother has been "rehab facility" shopping with her friend. She is looking for one close enough so her friend (the one remaining driver) can see her daily. Great, she hated where she was last year and this way she has only herself to blame.

So, peace reigns, I suppose. I am taking her to the surgery and staying just the day. I have a daughter coming from Texas with grandkids and I am NOT making a huge effort to see mother at the rehab place when I have my babies here.

Admitting to yourself and really understanding that your parent has a serious mental disorder that makes her crave and seek surgery for anything and everything is awful. She's 85, in terrible health, and this could go on for years. Luckily, she has no extra organs left and all her joints have been "done". I PRAY that I will NOT do this to my kids. Anyhow, altho Mother states she is "stressed out beyond belief"..her biggest worries is that her birds won't get attention. Or that we won't mail out the birthday cards in a timely fashion. The smaller her world gets, the smaller the problems.

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So interesting that you said that----no, it wouldn't destroy my family at all. I'd still keep connected to my sibs, but as they grow older and their families grow, they are much less interested in keeping the "nuclear family" together. We routinely go a year between seeing all of us together. All the sibs weren't even at Daddy's funeral--and we all live in the same city.
My mother does not even know my phone number. 36 years, same number. She often says "oh, I have been thinking about you!" when I go to visit, and I think to myself, "no, no you haven't." There was an older brother )deceased in 2013) who caused most of the rifts we have. We'll never heal from that. My mother--she would not care if she ever spoke to me or saw me again. Just doesn't care, so good point, why should I?

I don't know why you don't just walk away. Would it destroy your family if you did?

Windy--wow thanks for the reply. I have been spending the morning trying to call everyone who was involved in a now-defunct family reunion mother had me try to put together. I was on call 3 or 4, to my Sis In Law (The brother who is NEVER around or on board with anything) and mentioned my frustration with my mother's choice to have this 2nd surgery--SIL says. "Oh, but she NEEDS it, don't you even care? Last year's went so well!" Well, it's easy when you don't do ANYTHING to help. It would be better to have only yourself to account to--if it were up to me, Mother would be in an ALF in a heartbeat. Better care, more to do, etc. My brother really holds her hostage.
I'm taking mother to the surgery (as it stands now, I'm sure she'll ask for ANYBODY ELSE to take her) I do not plan to visit her, I'm putting my grandkids and daughter ahead of her. (Lest you think me a beast, I am without question my mother's least favorite kid. On my 31st birthday she gave me a card and told me she wished I'd never been born. Awesome.

Wow! What a story. And you tell it good humor. I went through a hip surgery with 84 yr old mom bout a yr ago except there's no one but me and dad with dementia. I used to feel sorry for myself that I was all alone in the caregiver swamp but after reading your story I feel much better. Maybe I'm better off not having to summon a U N Council for every d*mn thing. Moms surgery and rehab went well btw. Good luck to you.

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