Several weeks ago, upon learning that Mother has chosen to have a 2nd hip replacement done, we sibs were all shocked. The youngest sib took it upon herself to get this stopped. Even tho we all told her she couldn't have Mother declared incompetent, she endured, so we let her.
Sis called the surgeon's office. The nurse there is her friend and disclosed (in my opinion) WAAAAAY too much info. My BROTHER is the designated go-to, NOT this sister. But that's another story, HIPAA is a joke anyway.
The nurse told my sis that my mom does NOT NEED the surgery, but she was so insistent that the doc got it Okayed. He is a great dr., I know he did this so she wouldn't shop around and get some back alley bozo to operate on her. A lot of other info was disclosed, too. Nothing that was shocking or upsetting, esp to the 2 of us sibs who routinely see and care for Mother. But still, NOT the nurses' place to share this very personal medical history.
In the end, my sis drew up a "talking points bulletin" and emailed each of the rest of us a copy, then demanded we all go together to see Mother and force her to not have surgery. Well, since the other 4 of us had already talked, and while we agree having the surgery is a really, really poor choice on Mother's part, we are not going to stop her. We all, individually, talked to her and made it clear that we do NOT support her decision, but respect that she can & will make her own decisions. She understands that she is very likely to come back from this in a much worse condition--currently she can walk with a walker. That is likely not going to be the case afterwards. She is facing a week (minimum) in hospital with a 6-8 weeks stay at a rehab facility. She has verbally told us she understands that she cannot come home before the dr releases her. She knows that 4/5 sibs are in agreement with this and she is not to play one off another, as she did last year. She has agreed. (She also sort of agreed not to try to hit me, but I can't hold her to that.)
My brother did find the long term care policy my dad had bought for her, for this exact situation. He hated that his family had to care for him at home until his death. He paid a small fortune so mother would not follow in his footsteps. But the brother with whom she lives, says that this time, even if she comes home wheelchair bound, he will modify the apartment to accommodate the wheelchair. I think he's crazy and we need to see how her rehab goes and look at some long term care facilities--but in the end, since she lives with the one brother, if his family is amenable to this new dynamic, we won't fight him. (Very likely there is some way he will get paid for having her in his home and doing all the work.) As is only fair.
Mother has been "rehab facility" shopping with her friend. She is looking for one close enough so her friend (the one remaining driver) can see her daily. Great, she hated where she was last year and this way she has only herself to blame.
So, peace reigns, I suppose. I am taking her to the surgery and staying just the day. I have a daughter coming from Texas with grandkids and I am NOT making a huge effort to see mother at the rehab place when I have my babies here.
Admitting to yourself and really understanding that your parent has a serious mental disorder that makes her crave and seek surgery for anything and everything is awful. She's 85, in terrible health, and this could go on for years. Luckily, she has no extra organs left and all her joints have been "done". I PRAY that I will NOT do this to my kids. Anyhow, altho Mother states she is "stressed out beyond belief"..her biggest worries is that her birds won't get attention. Or that we won't mail out the birthday cards in a timely fashion. The smaller her world gets, the smaller the problems.