My daughter & her husband borrow near 200000.00 I did not get a note for them to pay it.They did not pay it back.I have a lawyer working on it for 3 years. He says these kind of cases don't won. I don't know what we are going to do. I am 73 & hubby 83. I do not want to go to a nursin to die. I want to be home. There is never a day I don't think about this. I have cryed so much, right now i am . I don't sleep. My depression is very bad. They promised me! They have a house they could sell & I could get some money. They are letting their kids live. I live in a 1973 house & theirs is a big new fancy house. I just with this trail would get over. Every time you talk to a lawyer he is charing you.

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Be sure both parties are named in the lawsuit: your daughter, her husband.

Sounds harsh.
So does taking advantage of parents, elder financial abuse--is harsh.

You can accept the $50,000 and have your lawyer file a lien on their house for $150,000
plus interest accruing.
Or, they can re-finance the house (any house they have) and pay you the money.

All they can do is say no, and see you in court. The judge would like it if you can settle this in mediation (counseling), and there is no reason, imo, you should take less.
Because you are not negotiating over the value of a property, but instead, the cash amount.
So, has anyone estimated what the usual, customary interest would be added to the original $200 K amount? Start there...then you can settle for the full $200 k.

Sorry that this bad investment was complicated by it having been a family member.
But I think you need to collect.

Sorry I didn't answer your question..
My husband does not have any pressure on me.
He trys so hard from me thinking about all this.
He is a very good man.

Is there some financial pressure to collect coming from your husband?

I want my money is an excellent start. Eyes on the prize.

Next steps: weighing up carefully what is going to get you closest to getting it all back, and via the shortest and least destructive route possible.

Keep in mind - an 'all or nothing' situation is no good to you, it's a gamble you don't need to take. Better to get most of it back in instalments over years, say, than to go for one court decision and risk losing the lot (and losing your daughter forever) if the judgement goes against you. Or even getting a judgement that your daughter cannot comply with - no good to you the judge saying 'pay up right now' if she can't in fact lay her hands on the money.

The husband sounds a complete heel. Fortunately, he is not your offspring - isn't that a consoling thought?! And even more fortunately, however narcissistic he might be he's not your boss. He is a pest, though, and probably bears the bulk of responsibility for what's gone on, and especially *how* it's gone on; but soon you will be free to overlook him. Just think what a relief that will be.

I do urge you to pursue the counselling and mediation routes. Do you have anyone who can go with you to mediation? - not a lawyer, just a friend with business experience to give you support?

It'll be a lot easier to work on forgiving after they've stopped hurting you. Right now is too soon because it's still going on. One thing at a time.

Come back and let us know how you're getting on, please.

Country Mouse , you are one of the most logical people I have encountered. No one meets in reality here but, wow. That was impressive

I want my money.
I have so things in me I don't know if I can have a relationship with her. Plus her husband is a narcissism person. His way or no way.
I am not a forgiving person.
Maybe with a extending counseling it can be worked out.
I don't think I can have her husband around.
But many thanks for talking to me about this.
You don't how much this means to me.

It does make sense, yes, thank you for all the extra background.

The note Carson left wouldn't have helped. If all it said was "thanks for the cash" it does nothing to show that this was a loan you advanced to them on the expectation they would pay you back. So don't worry about not having kept that.

Their offer in mediation - you can look on it as an opening offer, if you like - to pay $50K is much more helpful to your case. This demonstrates their acknowledgement that the money was a loan, and is a debt they now owe you.

If I were to play Devil's Advocate for a moment; many of your daughter's earlier actions aren't necessarily sinister. If your daughter is professionally qualified in managing tax and finances, it does make sense for her to have helped you. It does make sense for her to have managed her grandparents' affairs for them. It does make sense that she is interested in and alert to finance in general - possibly she has tended to rush in and take over because she believes, not without foundation, that she is better able to manage money and fears that her elders will come to harm if she doesn't do it for them.

Of course, that depends on your definition of harm. Your husband benefiting from your careful saving, for example, is something she might include as 'undesirable' because she dislikes him and expresses that as fearing that he is 'exploiting' you.

The whole situation, especially with such a long history, is extremely fraught with emotion; that is only understandable. No one can blame you for what you're feeling about it.

But at the same time, you're dealing with dollars and cents - arithmetic, not emotion. It is very important to have in mind a specific outcome that you would be content with. Supposing they really don't have $200K in liquid assets that they can hand over (not many families have that much just sloshing around in their bank accounts). What about a repayment plan, would you be happy with that? Are their children paying them rent on the house in Dallas? - if they don't want to sell the property, maybe they could use that income stream to start repaying you.

Clearly you have been terribly hurt and made terribly worried by your daughter's treatment of you over recent years. I'm not saying you haven't every right to be hurt and anxious; but at the same time that must make it very difficult for you to consider that she might want to put things right with you, and that she may have acted for all sorts of practical reasons, maybe some of them nothing to do with you at all, and not personal greed.

Mediation and counselling are both a good idea. Mediators are skilled at fair negotiations that lead to practical results. Counselling could help heal a lot of painful wounds.

Because when you say you've got this far, you're not giving up, and you'll probably be broke after this...

You are rather cutting your nose off to spite your face, you know.

What would be a *good* outcome? What would you *like* to happen next?

Countrymouse this is my 3rd marriage & my husband is not their father.
The money came from 2nd husband & me. I worked 20 yrs & put our in a money market.My husband did to so our savings grew pretty good. The he had lung cancer & passed away. He passed away in Feb of 97 & income tax came along & I did not how to My daughter was in business with that. So I let her stared doing my income tax. That was the wrong thing for me to do. She found how much I had. So her husband & her was my buddy buddy. They are money crazy. This isn't the 1st time they have done something pertaining to a will. She had talkeded her grandparents into putting their in her bank account. Her grandmother had to be put in a nursing home. That was because Medicare would have to pay. So when they passed away there was 40,00.00. they kelp it it a secret instead of giving it to her Daddy & aunt. There was a will that told what to do with what was left.. Some how the will disappear. She said her aunt had it hid it but I really believe she had it since this has done this to me
Then I met my present husband & for some reason they hated him.
We decided to move to east texas in 2006. Then they wanted to move here too about 4 yrs later.
Right before that we had 2008 crash & I lost a lot of money. So I closed out my money account & put in my checking account till I could decide what to do with it. They knew that. They started looking for a house to be close to us. We went with them to look at houses & every time she ask to borrow the money & I kept saying no. They had the money to buy but for some reason they wanted to borrow. OH by the way the son in law hadn't work in 6yrs. He is still not working .He drew unemployment. They found this house they wanted & I gave in. I got a cashier check for title company & they signed their name. Carson left me a note saying thank you for the money. I had left it on the counter because we had to go some place. I did not have a note made which was stupid but I said she is my daughter.
She will pay it back. They had their old house in Dallas they were going to sell but wanted the market to to come back on housing. And said the loan would be paid in 5 years. They are letting kids live there now.
After they got the house we would go by & ask them if they would sign a loan. Mamy many times I asked. They always said we got you covered & stupid me did not ask what that meant. We would get into little arguments about but made up. They started doing little things to make us mad. In 2013 I stopped by & asked them to sign a note. I thought they were going to to do something to me and the language they were using. That is the last time I talk to them.One day I asked my son if he asked her where they got the money for the house. She said it was a inheritance , then a gift from me.. My son says he has not spoke to them for a year. I don't know if that is true.
5years got here I started texting her & husband 5 years is up. You need to pay me the loan back. Never ever heard from them.
My son & I get along ok.
The lawyer hasn't said we are not going to win. It's me that feels like that.
My daughter & I are going to a counselor. She wanted to. But we will see if that happens. we went to meditation the person suggested that & she was for it.
I said I didn't want to. I have to many different emotions in me right now.
I have gone this far & I am not giving up. I will probably be broke after this
They told the mediator they would pay 50,000. Said that is all the money they had.
I know better than that.
I hope this makes since

Betty, can I just check I have this correct?

Your husband is not your daughter's father, this is your second marriage.

The $200,000 (goodness! That *is* such a lot of money!) came from where, the sale of your previous family home? Your daughter's father's will?

The 1973 house you are now living in is your second husband's property.

Your husband is 83, and you are sensibly looking ahead to plan how both he and you will be cared for in older age, and how it might be paid for.

You say that your lawyer has been working on this problem for three years. If your lawyer is pessimistic about your trial prospects, I am guessing that it's because he doesn't think your case proves that the money you gave your daughter was a loan and not a gift. If you have nothing in writing, no documents or other evidence, then it is hard to see how you will be successful.

When did you hand your daughter the money? And what was her reason for wanting to "borrow" it?

I'm just trying to understand why you believed it was a loan, and she appears to have decided it was a gift.

You also say you're estranged from your adult children, plural. So who is there besides your daughter? Do you have other children, and what have they had to say about this situation?

I am glad to hear that you are in very good health. At 73, which is nothing these days, you are also young! So it's all the more important for you to hang on to that good health.

If your lawyer is in fact advising you *not* to go to trial, I think you should listen to him. He has to obey your instructions because you are his client, but that doesn't mean he agrees with your decision.

Could you come back and check the story so far, and then we could perhaps discuss more options about what you might do next?

My husband knows all about it.
My daughter hates him.
I have no illness and am in very good health
I estranged with my adult children now.
I do have a lawsuit going. We are suppose to
go to trial aug 18.
But my lawyer says these do not turn out good.
I am using what little money I have left doing this.
Thank you for answering me.

Betty, I'm so sorry to read your thread. How awful.

If you could let us know a little more by answering Sendhelp's questions then people may have good suggestions to make. Best wishes.

File a lien on their home for the amount due you.
tell them you want to take an equity loan out on your home and they need to co-sign, as they will inherit your home. Then take the proceeds from the loan and buy a into a small retirement home or assisted living unit. Defaulting on the equity loan when you move out.

Maybe that is illegal, not allowed, not ethical, not nice?
Isn't what they did to you, the same?
You need to make sure that some arrangement was not made between your husband and them, wherein they are paying you back by paying your mortgage, or a part of it?

Have you talked to your husband about this?

Is there any illness threatening the reason you could not stay in your home?

Are you estranged with your adult children now?

You are not the first parent this has ever happened to.  There will be a viable answer coming soon, when the other caregivers wake up.  Where are you, what state, because it is almost 2:00 a.m. here, and you cannot be well if this is keeping you up.  Since you cannot solve anything tonight, grab a little snack, some milk, and go tuck yourself all cozy in bed tonight.  
Tomorrow is another day, and with a little help, this won't all be falling on your shoulders.

Goodnight Betty, sleep tight, and caregiver hugs!

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