Mom's surgery is coming very soon...

Follow
Share

I posted a while ago about my senior mother will be having hip surgery soon. It will be this coming Friday. I also described how she fell about a month ago, and had the nerve to tell me while in the hospital--all the while laughing-- that she has fallen times before and then in a manipulating way saying she knows how that will upset me. She is very narcissistic. Well ever since I have started back to school which I received good advice about not stopping because of her. And now her boyfriend, who lives down south, has come up to look after her especially after surgery. Bless his heart. Now I'm worried about him because I don't want her getting on his nerves and end up leaving or she put him out because they can both get a bit immature at times, especially her. So anyway, I've been immersed in school and getting A's again. And basically after all of the advice here, I had told her that I will be living my life and she exploded! I also let my grandmother know the same thing in a separate conversation because she's been acting just like my mother; way too hard on me when I'm the one sibling who's been there for both of them, out of everyone. I braced for a possible fallout with one particular sibling who also thinks she can run my life, but thankfully I hadn't heard from her. And I also had let her know that I wanted to make sure we were on the same page and that she will be a backup for my mother's boyfriend should he have to leave even though this sibling lives down south and I live 15 minutes away from my mother. But the problem is her and my other sister (who is a complete no-show) have been taking advantage of the situation for far too long and been able to live their lives without any scrutiny whatsoever. And distance cannot be the one and only factor; so sick of hearing this! My problem now is that my mother has been crying to me how she can hardly walk as if she is setting me up for a fall that I don't want to hear and I knew she was going to do this. Even though having mobility problems is a big deal, I truly cannot take her ways because she is very reckless with how she does and says things, and it affects me adversely. So basically, if the boyfriend leaves and my sister from down south doesn't step up, I might be screwed. And I've been reading horror stories on this site and I truly am not trying to give up my life for the abusive treatment she will no doubtedly exhibit. And I'm not the type to take that type of mess where someone treats me worse than I treat myself. And I've been making sure and treat myself well after years of practice, which a child of a narcissistic parent tends to have to learn to do. In fact, my father who has passed away a few years ago was also narcissistic. I am so sick of this type of personality I don't know what to do. But I won't hesitate to cuss a narcissistic person out without having to feel guilty because I feel they're the ones who deserve it, so I can vent right back on them! It's just that I don't want to live that way. I know some people will say so why deal with it? Trust me I'm looking not to, but she is still fixated on me as she's done it to me for years yelling why should my sister from down south have to deal with it when I'm 15 minutes away? I said she still could take phone calls from doctors and such and can bring her behind up here too, because I never said anything to her for years. I just wonder if she will in the event the boyfriend leaves, because I'm busy with work and school and if I have to stop either one I will be so p*****d and don't want to take that out on anyone let alone my mother who will be needing to heal from surgery. By the way, she said I was selfish; no mention of what I did to support her for over the years, mind you. Why are things in society this way with families too many times? Caregivers are feeling like slaves and having to give up their lives? This is nuts...

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
29

Comments

Show:
1 2 3
It's crazy that's it's been 10 days since her surgery and I haven't seen her yet! It ended up her boyfriend asked why bother me to come escort her out of the hospital? I even heard her roommate said over the phone that they will wheelchair her to the exit where the boyfriend can bring her into the car. I told her that from the beginning--even though I offered out of reflex and regretted it right after. Because as I said before, my schoolwork and job is a heavy load. All I know is as long as others chime in on my side in telling her, strangely that's the only way she will acquiesce. And it's only because she cares more about how she looks from a "social" point-of-view than anything. Even though I once told her to look around her, all her friends are practically gone due to their own lives and no one really gives a damn about appearances! Anyway, now it's gotten good to me not to have to deal with her issues. Even though we're talking about a surgery here. But I'm numb towards it because when I was there in the past for surgeries and hospital stays, she talked to me so foul and degrading. It's only when you distance yourself from her, does she become nice. I also pointed out to her before that was so backwards thinking and I can't stand when people do that to someone who's been there for them! So, I'm feeling this peace right now and I'm praying the boyfriend is doing fine, even though I feel a bit bad when it comes to him that it feels like I'm giving him the load to deal with. On the upside, my grades are still in the A's and it's midterm time, so I have to study for that and pray to keep it going! I can't thank you guys enough for being a site that takes the side of the "caretaker".
(0)
Report

Exactly, Barbara. *thumbs up*.

I think that grown "children" of especially controlling parents need to know and learn how to apply this, so that we will be able to begin the process of untangling the web that was weaved for us so many years ago.

Thanks!
(0)
Report

Ceecee, if your mom comes at you with " all I've done for you" the calm answer is " that was your choice mom; this is mine. I told you that I would have difficulty freeing up time at this time of year, your chose to have the surgery on your schedule. That makes it your responsibility".

When my mom had an appointment/surgery whatever, she would call us and schedule things around when we could be there.

Emergencies? Well, they happen, and you figure out how to deal with them.

But emergencies caused by poor planning are not my problem.
(2)
Report

As far as "dear" sister goes; she has serious boundary issues which is why I am coming at her in the first place. I NEVER bothered her about these things, but because she has come at me viciously over the years where my mother and grandmother are concerned, is the reason I am saying what she can be doing. I've had enough of her accusations, not to mention feeling like I'd have to physically fight her (yes, she will go there). At least I am looking to consciously learn to be more healthy with this family "curse" so many families in society has; and that's the sickness of co-dependence. I hope I can say the same for her as she's more quiet toward me right now. That's only because I went off on her and told her to mind her business when it comes to issues with my mother, as I don't do that to her--and to deal with her directly. Only time will tell if she gets it. But please don't get me started with those "sisters" of mine.
(0)
Report

Barbara,

Yes, you're right. What I am going through now is learning how to change my responses; it's going to take time. When I'm in the middle of conversations, in the blink of an eye I have said something I wish I could take back. Because it's true that she was forewarned; and then she'll say "I don't need you to do something", though it's just that "one little thing". This is where I should have reminded her about my school time--which I did in fact--but then my mouth had to keep going, "Only if it's before my deadline time of 8p Sunday..." Oops! So, this is where I have to learn to keep my mouth shut; which takes time. But can I take it back now? Probably not. At the same time, it's surgery and she was there when I had the ankle issue. But when she tried throwing that in my face recently, even after I was there with her accident last month, I decided that's a dead issue. Then I can hear the other especially family members in my ear, and what the hospital might say to me when I get there Sunday. So, I need to practice ahead of time. And what you're saying about the boyfriend and money; hey, I get it! I am not going to say a word anymore! Hell, I don't even have all this disposal income anyway! There, that felt better. Thanks for your wise words and please hang in there with me. :)

P.S. If she comes at me anymore about anything, I will say how I agreed to help pick her up and anything going forward she was forewarned about my schedule. So, if she doesn't do the right thing with rehab, she will feel the effects of it. Is it too cruel to say I'm starting not to really care?
(0)
Report

CeeCee; you need to understand that what YOU see as "the right thing to do" and what your mom--who is an adult and still in charge of HER life--sees as the right thing to do--are two VERY different things.

Don't volunteer, don't show up unless you are asked to do a very specific task. Don't give money and don't expect your sister to give money.

Do you see how your assumption--that you should give money to the boyfriend--spiraled into you going off on your sister about why SHE isn't giving money. That's what happens when you have no boundaries. Everyone's business becomes your business. It's just NOT how sane people live their lives.

Let mom manage her surgery, her hospitalization, her rehab or lack thereof by HERSELF. With boyfriend if that's what she wants.

Go to school. Go to your interview. If mom asks you to help, help if you can fit it into your schedule. You told mom before that you wouldn't have time to do for her if she scheduled surgery now. She was forewarned.

You don't need to inconvenience yourself because of HER poor planning abilities.

Please step back and let her manage this herself. It's the only way, by the way, that the hospital/rehab will see that she's on her own, and that THEY may need to provide more resources.

And by the way, looking at the Medicare website, I don't see that there have been any cutbacks in rehab. I think there is a lot of talk about it, but no funding has been cut yet. So I think you're being sold a bill of goods by someone.
(1)
Report

Hi Barb,

Sorry, I didn't see your replies until my computer refreshed just now. My mother tells me things in bits and pieces and whatever she wants to talk about, so I'm not totally sure about this whole rehab thing. However, a coworker who is going through the same type of thing, says she may be transported to the hospital (but then why not from the hospital too?). But as far as rehab, she says this is what is happening with her insurance coverage--and the coworker also said something about their cutbacks. However, I wouldn't be surprised if my mother refused this as an option; she's so holed up in her apartment these days. And especially if anything interferes with her horse race betting--and she's a chronic gambler--I wouldn't be surprised at all if this is the reason a rehab person would be coming to her house instead. Come to think of it, when I had ankle surgery seven years ago, I certainly did get the medical transport to and from rehab. And now I remember my mother started out a few months ago by telling me she didn't want rehab, and I insisted this is an important part of the recovery. I really can't stand supporting someone who doesn't have the right habits; it would have to be my own mother! When I leave her alone with her daily life, I'm all good and she talks nicer. But with this happening now, I have to keep throwing up those boundaries and that alone is exhausting when I have to work/go to school. That's why this website is great to have; it's the closest thing I have to venting and getting this all figured out the way I need to.
(0)
Report

Barbara,

Before that time comes, I was wondering if you or anyone thinks I should or shouldn't approach about the boyfriend about the money? And would it be wrong/intrusive to ask him not to tell my mother about it as an offering at times? I just think it'd be fair because of everything he's doing/done. Thanks for any advice.
(0)
Report

The hospital should be transporting your mom to rehab via medical transport, I think.
(0)
Report

Who told you that mom is not eligible for rehab?
(1)
Report

1 2 3
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions