Mom;is always a sweet,easy going person.She,lives with hubby& I.Yesterday,I wanted to wash&curl her hair.It,had't been done in wks.She,became irate,as I began washing it&during.It was,bad.She said,Why do I need this done?And,went,on&on.I,also,had to ask,her to wash up(last wk)Otherwise,mom is pretty good.Sometimes(at nite TV time) she,goes to bathroom&comes back,out and says,Hi,like she just woke up. Praise,to all who care,for your loved ones&others

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I do sympathize with you in dealing with your mother. My mom is in early stages and we have not reached the "no shower" stage yet although I have seen it in room mates at the nursing home.

My mothers issue is part dementia and part manipulation which she pretty much has done all her life. It is only in caring for her that I realized to what degree this manipulation went!!! OH MY DEAR GOD! HELP ME NOW!

My brother was the first one to discover this several years ago after my dad passed away. Mom told my brother-in-law to come and clean out his workshop. Now there were THOUSANDS of dollars worth of tools and he did SUCH a thorough job he did not even leave her a hammer and screw driver and when we need these for issues that did arise, we had to go and purchase new ones... not that it is a huge expense it is just the idea of greed! You see, he said what he took now belonged to him and no, we could not borrow anything. WOW!!!

My brother just happened to say something to my sister and she told him Mom told her hubby to come and clean it out. Now the kicker is when I asked her she said: "I don't know why he did that, he just showed up one day and cleaned it out!" I then asked her why did she not say anything and she gave her pat answer... "I don't know..." in her "sad" voice. You have no idea how much I hate that voice now.

BTW... She is still doing it.

Within the last couple of months the food at her nursing facility has gone south... really far south. It is safe to say the food is horrible! One of the sisters of a resident organized a meeting of those in charge and voices were heard. I was not able to attend because I was sick... ugh! Since then the food has come up in quality but is still not where it was when Mom went there.

With all Mom's complaints and lack of proper nutrition exhibited in the food plans, I offered to do lunch for her two weeks ago and then dinner(lunch) for Thanksgiving. The first time, I was not there right at 12N so she had the staff take her to the dining hall... I was 10 minutes late! Yesterday, I called because I was going to be late, @ 12N because I told her I was leaving my home @ 12N. Well guess what she did? She had nursing take her to the lunch room @ 11:30. I spoke to her and told her that I was coming, the food was in the oven, I would be leaving home about 12N and she said OK... all happy etc.

So I told her nurse not to upset Mom just let it be, and I would see her when I got there later. I stayed put and ate my dinner at home... alone! At 12:45 she called me and wanted to know where I was. I asked her why, you went to the dining hall for dinner, so I decided to stay home and enjoy my dinner. I was not going to pack up food and bring it all with me only to take yours home with again.

She then went into her usual speal... well I thought you said you would be here by 11:30 and told Dan (the nurse) that you were coming but to just take me to the dining hall... well that made no sense. She honestly knew what she was doing just by a few things she did say to me... and that is what upset me the most. I finally broke that manipulation and told her I was no longer going to offer to or make her any meals and bring them to her. You see... if I buy a meal from a restaurant like Long Horn Steak House... she remembers and waits very patiently for me to show up. Believe me I am a VERY good cook too! She asked if there was anything that could be reheated... well yes but that is not an option at the facility and you can't take it and label it leaving it in the unit fridge... staff doesn't care whose name is on it, they help themselves so that is a definite NO!

I guess my point is, I had fallen asleep the day before and did not wake up until 11pm. I had gotten NOTHING DONE! So, I started chopping vegetables to make the dishes I had decided to make. I slept a couple hours in between recipes for a total of 4 hours sleep. I was exhausted.

I ate dinner, put my feet up and the body pain I experienced was excruciating so no more do I do this. I love mom, but I can't do this to myself anymore. I know she knew what she had done, but I am partly to blame as well. Lesson learned. Can't control the dementia, or her manipulating games.

My estranged brother apologized for not being there for me... that was a first, but it really helped. It just pains me to see her diminish mentally, yet still be able to play her games. I think because of the realizations of some things she did to me as a child were deliberate... like a family heirloom watch, which she gave to me when I was 13, disappearing while I was in the shower when I was 14, to which she had no idea what I was talking about and that I must have misplaced it (that should have been my red flag but I was too young to realize)... only to be found when cleaning out her home, in her mini Lane chest underneath all her hand embroidered hankies... there are several more stories like this one too! I have since come to find out that my mother has a reputation of being a trouble maker within the family. THAT was a shocker!

Why would a mother do this to her child?

You are so lucky to have a good mother. Many people with dementia dread the shower. I've heard the water can feel unusual or unpleasant to them. Still, they have to stay clean, so it is one of those necessary "evils" that many come to dread.

What you mentioned about your mother saying "hi" in the unusual way is such a hallmark of dementia -- not the saying "hi" itself, but in doing things that don't seem to fit. Sometimes I feel like I take daily trips into the twilight zone, where the lines between fantasy and reality are not only blurred, they are nonexistent.

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