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I was happy to find this website. My husband and I live with my 97 year old Mom. She is quite healthy but has nearly no short term memory. It is very frustrating and I get no help from my sibling, even though she is the favorite! Nice to be able to come here and see others going thru the same thing or worse.

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Bless you, dear sister. She's reading, and praying for you. Thanks for your post on my wall. The LORD be with you today! Hugs!
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We cannot be responsible for what others think or feel or don't feel. We are responsible only for ourselves and what we do with the talents we have. I choose to use mine to the best of my ability and am pleased that God has given me so many. He finds me worthy and that satisfies me immensley. God will assist you in all endeavors so go to him. The world is not the same as Gods world and I choose His. God Bless you!
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I have found that the caregiver will sleep at night knowing that they have done all they could to make their loved ones lives better. I have also found that the sibling or family member who does nothing also sleeps well at night since it doesn't occur to them that they have been remiss in love and care. My brother doesn't even see that he is a jerk. He only sees that he is her son, and that is enough . To help isn't even a thought!
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I should add something to Carol's post. I "blew up" at my sister on one of her visits, while she helped herself to some furniture, and didn't help care for Mom or the impending move. It put us at odds, again, but didn't solve the problem, or so I thought. Since then, my sister reminds me she wants to help, but I won't let her.

We have differing values and perspectives, and as the elder, I have a tendency to "run" things. I am legally responsible for Mom and her estate, and need to stay in control so things run smoothly. My sister's ideas are much different than mine, and we don't always see eye to eye how things should go. I have been humbled (or convicted) that I need to be gentler in my response toward everyone, but still be a leader. What do you call a two-headed leader? A freak, or monster. So my people skills are being honed to handle things with more of God's grace, love and direction. And it is going better. Mom still complains, but things have smoothed considerable with my sister. I seek her input, and thank her when she offers help, no matter how small.

I am thankful that she wants to be involved in Mom and Dad's lives, and don't want to resent any good feelings they have toward her. That she is not more actively involved is both understandable, and forgivable. She has done some of the things I ask her to do, and very commendably, in very tough circumstances. We are all new at this Caregiving, and learning along the way. It is easy for no one. I'm grateful for any help my sister gives, and have chosen to take on the greater responsibility for myself. Since she is working full time out of state, and I'm a full-time Caregiver to Mom, I guard my heart from resentment against her. (Especially when I hear about her vacations, dinners out with friends, shopping sprees, etc.) For me, I've chosen to forgo those things to care for Mom's needs, even at the expense of mine. God rewards that, and someday I'll have no regrets. When my sister does visit, I've learned to enjoy what little time I have with her, and thank her that she participates. Even though I'm often tired, I'm also equally blessed. It's a win-win for all. And when the fatted calf comes out, I get a part of that, too. I am thankful that Mom loves my sister enough that she also rejoices when she is here, instead of complaining about all the times she's not. Not everyone is designed to lead, or has been gifted to handle things in the same fashion. It's best when we operate from our strengths, give grace to those who operate from their weaknesses, and foster love and growth. Again, prayer helps with all of this.
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One thing we must always remember, is that we are never alone. God is always there to walk beside us, and to guide us in all we do. I sometimes find the problem is with me, who often forgets to ask for his help. I have blundered through days, wondering why things aren't going well, frequently feeling frustrated or irritated, with my attitude and responses reflecting what I have allowed to fester inside me. Then my complaining grows, and compassion weakens. But when I stop to spend time with God, confessing my weakness and faults, and humble myself, asking for his help, I am always rewarded by a very loving, tender and gracious friend and comforter. We are never alone. God is always there to hear our prayer, and he has promised to never leave us. He never forces himself upon us, but waits until we come to him.

God gives strength to the weary, and is our present help in time of need. In every situation, he is ready, and more than able to guide us in the way we should go. Sometimes he sends encouragement through others, such as a helpful suggestion, listening ear, or hug from a friend.

This site has been such an encouragement along the way, and is one of the many gifts from God. We are only a prayer away from help at any moment. Know that many of the people reading these threads are praying for each other, and probably for you. May you all be blessed by that today!
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Yes, what you describe is more common than not. Sad but true. The elder gets so excited to see the adult child again, that nothing else stands in the way. Then they are so pumped, the caregiving sibling looks foolish because Mom or Dad is "just fine." The sound you hear is the caregiver banging his or her head on the wall!
Carol
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I am finding out that this is very common! My poor husband knocks himself out caring for my mother-in-law, and she totally takes it for granted. But when my "absentee" brother-in-law deigns to grace her with his presence on Mother's Day or Thanksgiving, she kills the fatted calf and puts on a party. It's frustrating, but I'm also finding out that dealing with elderly people is sometimes a lot like dealing with three year olds --- it's pointless to argue. Just do what you feel like you can do, get help where you can, and realize that what goes around comes around. God bless!
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Glad you are you too!!!!! Keep up the good work. You are a strong member of this little group and we need you too!
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Well I am glad perhaps she realized that you were the stronger of the two and didn't need her like he needs her and it came out in a different way. I've always known and my mom has always known I don't need anyone to take care of me I am a worker and have always been thats what my heritage is from my parents work work until you can't work any more on the other hand both of my parents always needed me more than I needed them and I never once said no to them I may have had to do things in a way they didn't like to get it done like pay the bill instead of handing over money that I knew would not be used for the particular issue and that would tick them off and they would haha disown me but when it's all boiled down look who is doing what for whom so I am satisfied with my decisions and what I do I don't always like it but it could be worse. My mother always makes excuses for the rest of them to and its always somebody elses fault their spouse etc. its just so laughable. but she is allowed to think what she wants I know better but she has to make herself feel better somehow and thats what she does she can't get along with anyone so they have all left her to her own devices and I pick up the pieces and glue them back together. I am not a whimp some think that forgiving is for whimps it's not believe me but I'm glad I am me.
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neon,
My mom has always made excuses for my brother. He never comes to see her unless he gets a free meal. So, after much discussion, she actually gave me money to save for a rainy day. Now, it doesn't seem like much, but it did say to me, I get it! You have gone above and beyond for me. She always loved me, but she always looked out for my brother. I was the one who could handle tough situations. I know that I cannot change her, but I did get some sort of validation. For now, it is enough.
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Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was
disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with
the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes.

Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over
your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles.

Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life ......it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.'
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Think about it this way, you are the lucky one who is able to spend more time with your Mother. It is your sister who is going to regret it later on. It is not easy to think this way when you are responsible for the caregiving, but it worth the effort.
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I have the same issue but over time I think my mother has realized that the only one who is here for her is me she hasn't seen the other two in about 2 1/2 years since my fathers funeral. Eventually when they see that you go out of your way , if they recognize that at all, I sometimes wonder about mine, she thinks my sole purpose on earth is to please her, but I think deep in her heart she is hurt as she knows they don't call, send cards or write and this is it. I think she is depressed alot but won't admit to it. She will not participate in anything, she would not eat last night because my son cooked and I didn't and she said there wasn't enough well unless you eat like a elephant there was plenty. and later snacks to boot so I can't be responsible for all of her choices and not getting upset if she doesn't want to do something did that and it made me sick I can only do so much. Thats all any of us can do and we cannot be responsible for a parent likeing another child more, they have what they have and must do the best they can with it just like we do. Everytime my mother askes me if I have heard from anyone I tell her no and I can't make them do something they don't want to do I don't sugar coat it but I don't make it a big deal either. It's matter of fact and dropped on my part she may keep it up and I just say I don't know mom I just don't know. Its a tough situation for all of us because most of us are in the same situation unless you're an only child. I've always been the "black sheep" but I'm the one thats always been there to I guess being oldest made me more responsible.??
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Welcome, Lander! Yes, you will find company here. I loved Cat's reference - I even wrote an article several years back titled, "Mom always loved you best" or at least referencing that line.

Take care and please come back,
Carol
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Please read count your blessings for my up date
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Yeah, sometimes we're a laugh a minute, Cat. Welcome lander2004! Hope you find the comfort and camaraderie you need throughout these threads. Sometimes we share our deepest hurts and fears and tears as well. Just knowing we're not alone can be very calming, while we're in the midst of trials and difficulties. Just by posting, you have probably encouraged someone else already today. Blessings to you both!
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Did your mom like the Smothers Brothers? Remember the old line, "Mom always like you best?" - if she did, maybe you can use it on her & get her laughing.
welcome to the club.......you'll get a kick out of everyone here.
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