Mom worries about niece she never met.

My mother talks and fusses about her 95 yo brother who lives 600 miles away. She never calls him and doesn't do social media--she just talks about him incessantly. She wanted to visit him 'one last time' and sis and I saw that a trip to see him was super simple--so we ran it past her--2 days away from home and one quick airplane trip. She freaked out.

She DIDN'T really want to see him or talk to him, she just likes to play the 'loving sister' which she may or may not be, I don't know. She hasn't seen him in over 10 years and they haven't spoken in almost that long.

I have come to understand that she doesn't WANT but a couple of close relationships, and those are not with close family. It is what it is, weird, but it's the way she is. I just finished a 6 month battle with cancer and she didn't call me once. To say that hurt is quite the understatement.

I have no idea if that was directed at me personally, but it sure felt like it.

Her friend gets a skin tag removed and mom acts like she's undergoing major surgery. I've long since quit trying to understand her.

Your mother may have one of the attachment related personality disorders. People with these disorders have problems with emotional attachments and find it difficult to sustain long term relationships. They often need the excitement of "new" relationships so close family members are always at the bottom of their priority list. My father always courted (if that's the right description) my cousins (his nephews and nieces) whenever they came around while often ignoring his children, particularly if one of our cousins was around. Dad founded and was a charter member of several civil organizations, like a volunteer fire department, civil aviation watch, a regional watch collectors club, etc. It fed his need to meet new people and be important but he was always stop attending meetings after a couple of years and move on to the next organizing effort. Once Dad discovered some maternal first cousins once removed he didn't know about. He would travel several hours to meet his "new" cousins at a time he wouldn't drive across town to visit first cousins he had known from childhood. If any of this sounds familiar you may have to accept this is just the way your mother is; she cannot help it and she cannot change it. You would need to accept this isn't really directed at you personally, forgive her, and cope with this type of behavior going forward.

Thanks for your response, Lola. Do you mind sharing your age? How old is your mom? If your dad is still working you must be fairly young. Are you married or single? Kids?

I bet you miss your friends and want to do fun things. You are most likely resentful of having to spend so much time with your mom. I can understand that.

I was 50 when my mom moved in with us. I took care of my mom, dad and brother for years before mom moved in. It’s exhausting!

I know how it feels to miss out on a lot of things. I feel for you.

I don’t even think this is about your cousins. They are just working on your nerves because of the larger picture which is you want your life back, which is understandable.

You know what? It’s too much togetherness for you and your mom. My mom and I had too much togetherness too. I got tired of it and I am sure she did too. I bet your mom is lonely and having contact with her nieces fills a void for her. It gives her something different to read about. It’s her way of staying in contact with family even if it’s not a real life visit.

How long have you been caregiving?

Just let Mom chat with them on media. Some of us do have "relationships" on media that are valuable to us, and easy to maintain. She may come to your conclusion on her own; she may not.

My dad is not a vet works full time till next year he retires can't wait counting the days. We do have a aid helper comes in today was my tipping point with mom drives me nuts. I know her niece would it last a day here. I do take breaks when the aid is here I go shopping the mall for a few hours in the summer I like to walk. Night time is my only time alone time I'm a night owl I prefer night time.

You seem to worry about your cousins just as much as your
mom does since this is your second post about one of your moms nieces.....

Unfortunately, you cannot change people and how they behave. Mom is obsessing over these cousins of yours. It doesn’t seem to matter to her that they don’t care. You can’t make her stop caring about them and you can’t make them start caring about her and pitching in to help. Saying anything to your mother about it will just make you look jealous and won’t change anything.

Take care of yourself. Get some help with the caregiving. Check with her insurance—Medicare if she has it and call her doctor for an order for in-home care. Or, tell Mom you’re taking some time off and you will ask those cousins to come care for her. When they refuse and don’t show up, maybe she’ll get the point.

I am sure this is frustrating for you. You most likely feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I hope your mom does know and appreciate your efforts in caring for her.

You sound exactly as I did when I was overwhelmed. I hated when my mom would feel sorry for my brothers who did nothing to help.

Is it possible to take a break? Can you give us a few more details please so we can have a clearer picture.

Have you contacted Council on Aging for help? If she qualifies you can get someone to help prepare meals, bathe her, tidy up, sit with her a few hours so you can take a much needed break.

Is your dad a vet who served during war time so mom can apply for aid and assistance? Are you the primary caregiver while your dad is at work?

Best wishes to you and your family. Hugs!