Mom won't stop with the "I wanna die" talk...

You don't say how old, but it doesn't seem to matter. We do tend to carry our parents' reactions and attitudes to our own lives, whether we realize it or not. Maybe getting her to talk about what happened to her father and how she felt at the time would help. You don't say if she is religious - if so, maybe it would help to talk to her about what dying means to her. And then segue into what living means to her. You could tell her what her living means to you and your family. It is so easy only to see what is happening to you and what you THINK it will be like. My sister had a colostomy and the bag that goes with it. It was eventually reversed, but it was a drag, no doubt. But it wasn't the end of the world - and dying is the end of this world. Your mom needs to vent her fear and discomfort and anger and all she is feeling... including, well, what the bag is full of. Forgive me, but better that she gets her feelings out and you can give her supportive and positive ones to replace them. Have a good cry together, it's so good for the soul. My mom was not conscious for several days at the end. She didn't get to say goodbye. We had to say it and hope she heard.She was very religious and that was a comfort for us. But my mom's last word to me, when she was briefly awake, was in answer to my asking how she felt. I had no idea that would be the last time we would speak. So talk to her, and let her vent and tell her how important she is. That is what I will pray for you.

I will pray for your mother and for you as her caregiver. Perhaps after treatment she can regain some of her strength and be able to put things in the right frame of mind decreasing the I want to die statements. In general colon cancer is a more "curable cancer" so it is not unrealistic to have more hope.

Good luck.

I am going through the same thing with my parents. They don't have any serious illnesses like your mom, but they are up in their 90s and daddy keeps telling me he is afraid of dying, mom is the opposite, she wants to die. It is so sad to see how miserable they are, but I wish Florida was one of those states that has assisted suicide. If that is what they wished we would honor their wishes. Your mom will be all right, treatments have come a long way. I know a lot of friends that have had rectal, color cancer and are survivors now. Prayers for her.

I feel your Mum at this time. Unfortunately, the things she are saying will not stop, it is how she is feeling at present. When she talks like that, don't reply to her. Leave it for a seconds and then change the subject, maybe it's a lovely sunny day, maybe the garden is nice. Anything that will give you a measure of control over the situation, without dwelling on whats on her mind. It doesn't mean you don't care any less, it is a way of you coping with situation too. Give your Mum plenty of hugs, she knows you care. Arlene

Believe me I sometimes feel like that with my mom . I feel like I need counseling. I listened to Joel Osteen the other night and I was really encouraged. He talked about an even now faith like Mary and Martha had when they came to realize that Lazarus was dead for four days. When there seems to be know outlet, there is a way. It may seem that your situation is awful. God is there with you in your situation. What does your mother do to make it a living h*ll?

All of your comments helped tremendously, thank you.
My heart is so broken over her broken heart. She's so scared and understandably so. I wish I could make it better or take her pain away. We were so incredibly happy months before the big "C" hit our home. So strange how things can turn so fast.

Thank you for your support.

I think if I was going through what your mom is going through, I'd want to die, too.

She has to be afraid. It has to be totally humiliating to have to go through something like that, not to mention psychologically/physically challenging. Her life has been turned upside-down.

She seems to be in good hands and tell her I will be thinking of her.

Hugs to both of you.

My problem is just the opposite. My mother is almost non-verbal and she never talks or talked about death or God or anything. It drives me up a wall. I know she has to be thinking about this. Yet she doesn't reach out.

But anyway, this is not about me, it's about you and your mom. Still thinking about you, but read a post above that read one parent wants to die, the other doesn't. Anyway, subject for another board, and prayers for you and your mom. It's going to be okay.

I received a call from my mom's nursing home today saying she was not well.Just before I left to go see her I looked down and there was a piece of paper on the pavement in front of me that said God is merciful. I'm sure that was a message from God for me to not worry.

I pray that God puts his message of love and comfort in your heart and especially in your mom's.

This may sound cold, but it may be that your mom's wanting to die is an appropriate attitude in her current situation. So many have such fear of death that we can't even hear the word without dread. After my beloved mom, sister, and best friend died, and I lived with them through the downward journey, I have studied death through other cultures and many religions. I've visited cemeteries, and even have ongoing discussions with my dearly departed. I strive to be like them in my daily life. That always makes me more kind, generous and loving. I'm 78 now and have had a very full life. I've cared for my disabled husband for 12 years now. I've done the best I could every step of the way. Our many children and grandchildren have their turn now to shape their lives as best they can. Your mom may be mirroring her family's fears. A big help is getting all her affairs in order and planning the next steps. The death of a young person or the shock of a sudden death is cause for fear and dread, but for us older people, it's God's next step for us. Our task is to get real about this fact of life.

Am praying for you and your mom. My mom also keeps talking about wanting to die, and I agree that it is fear talking. I try to let my mom know I will be there for her and that she is not alone. We can only do our best, and no more. Love to you both.

Prayers sent for you mom and your family!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I think rakshita is very wise and right on the point! Why do our children want us to live forever? Death is inevitable and it is better to be in touch with your feelings than in disbelief!

I don't know what's worse; terminal physical disease (a cancer or heart condition) or mind altering disease (Alzheimers, dementia...),,,they're all difficult and I don't think one is easier than the other ...both my parents got seriously sick pretty much at the same time; my Mom was showing alarming signs of her eventual diagnosis of Alzheimers when out of left field my Dad almost died from a cardiac condition...it took three years of me running them both back and forth to a total of 20 doctors but I've still got both here on this Earth...my Dad is now showing signs of some kind of dementia...not sure if age-related or illness related.. it's time to check it out...you know, I wanted to write and give prayers to the person who says her mom wants 'to die' because of her rectal cancer...and I ended up writing about my parents....I'm sorry.....I really do give my prayers to this woman because she is scared, and tired of doctors and tests and scared of the unknown...I try to give strength to all who needs, but in this case I give her also prayers...I guess I started writing about my parents illnesses because I saw them both today and I saw some profound changes in my Dad's mindset that I cannot overlook anymore. I am very sad because he was always so 'smart' and he's been making some very odd and not good decisions that it is going to be very difficult to help him. I am already the DPOA for both my parents but he's going to fight his sanity every step of the way; whereas my Mom doesn't really understand the whole Alzheimers thing because she just seems to 'go with the flow'...she's already in the moderate to severe stage and I should just appreciate this from her as long as I can because it's going to get worse. I am so sad to have both so ill at the same time but there is nothing I can do except accept it, deal with it and take care of them....I love them both so much that I don't want anyone else to take care of them...even tho it may be difficult they're my parents and I will love them by taking care of them for as long as I can...I know when to take some time off so I don't have health issues for a day or two...thanks for listening...writing helps me cope :)

I am praying for you and your mom. I believe god hears and answers prayers. God give you peace.

My dad had a colostomy then had it reversed after he healed. It was a little inconvenient but nothing to cash in over.

I am praying for you and your mom.

Praying for your Mom. Nothing is impossible with God!!

I'm wondering how the last radiation treatment was and how she's feeling?

Thank you all for your prayers. Yes, I do want my mom to live for another 25 years. She's 76 and 101 would be a nice prime age. (hehe) That woman is my best friend and she is so full of life. She really is... until this crap.

Anyway, Litdogtoo, her last radiation went well, however she has to wait 3 weeks before they can let her know if the cancer has truly gone away. (PRAYING!) The only thing she complains about is the intense burning of her rectum and bladder, because her rectal cancer was treated in that area... She finally took a Percocet for the pain which mostly occurs in the morning and she's doing much better! In better spirits like she always used to be.

But I do realize that our parents go. I had fully accepted the passing of my dad when he died of bladder cancer 2 years ago. He was also my best friend. It's so STRANGE without him here! He was full of life, making everyone laugh and telling these crazy stories of the past. And when cancer took hold of him, it was a different person. And it can happen at any age! It's a destructive disease that I wish there was a cure for. Anyway, I prayed to God, asking to heal my dad as well as trusting God's will if He needed to take my father back home. I get it. And I accept it. I can't help but hope. It is my mom after all. Most children adore their parents, right? I think...?

But again, "God's will" is what I trust. But for now, I pray to God that his will leans towards life...just a bit longer and most of all, the quality of life is what's most important.

Absolutely - it's the quality of life that matters.
Take care of yourself and please keep us posted,
Carol

Praying.

Thank you...!

I believe everyone on this discussion will be praying for her and peacefulness and strength for you. Everyone handles this dreaded cancer and any illness in their own way and with their own words. Respect her rights to handle it her way, no matter how it may makes you feel. Hang Tough, cause that's all you can do really. Pray and Pray and give her pain to the Lord.

Ouch. Sounds painful. Hopefully she'll take the pain medication she's been prescribed to alleviate the pain as she heals.

The other evening I was wondering how she was. Glad I came on tonight and saw the post.

I want to thank you for your update.

Thanks for sharing what's going on and the encouragement. You certainly come from a good family. Keeping you in my prayers.

My healing prayers and thoughts are being sent to your mother and you! I also believe your mother, no matter her age has a right to decide if she wants further treatment. I understand how hard this is for you as for different reasons, I am experiencing the same thing. My godmother, who has been like my mom my whole life, was diagnosed with early dementia/alzheimers. It is so hard to watch such a strong willed women losing her ground mentally and she is very scared! As I watch her fading from me, I can understand why as a person gets older and illness takes over that they rather go "Home". With our pets, as they get old and sick and cannot get around, we say it is humane to put them to sleep and not let them suffer, yet we allow humans to suffer in great pain and agony with no quality of life! I have never understood that, especially since I was a nurse for 10 years and worked in a nursing home back in the 80's until I hurt my back, and saw people laying in beds suffering or in a vegetated state.

I myself would not want this. Our Native Americans had it right, when they became to old that they felt they were a burden or could no longer contribute to their people, they walked off into the woods and allowed God to take them Home. I know I do not want to be a burden to my children when I can no longer do for myself and have no fear at all to go Home. As my mother back in the 70's had a life/death experience, she always told me never be afraid to die, that Heaven was truly our Home and we are Spiritual beings having a human experience and that Earth is just our University where we come to learn. Death should never be feared, when I took care of my dad for 5 years, he came to me one day when he was not feeling good, and told me he had no reason to be here any longer, that he did what he had to do here on earth and it was his time to go Home to my mom, who had passed away 3 years earlier. I remember telling my dad if that is how he felt, then by all means go Home to mom. He went into the hospital that same night, the doctor told him he was terminal, sent him home with hospice to help me and within a week he passed away. I am a very spiritual person and feel if they need to talk about it, then listen to them, give them dignity and assure them to have no fear!

@ Debbie - I don't believe I would walk into the woods to die. Too buggy.

Don't know how I'd do it but i would find a way. Maybe move somewhere it is legal

I think it is a very normal reaction when diagnosed with cancer and after having surgery, then dealing what whatever meds you are given, to want to die.

I had the same reaction when I had cancer back in 2009.... I had wished I would have died on the operating table.... there is a lot of emotions going on, a lot of deer in headlights moments, and those darn meds which caused a whole variety of non-user friendly side effects. It was a case of the medicine being worse than the illness itself.

TheBoogs, your Mom will do fine, give her time, there is just so much emotionally for her to deal with, and she's from a generation where *cancer* isn't discussed, it's always hush hush.