Mom won't give up her independence. She refuses to heed any advise and will not help me to help her.

Follow
Share

Mom is 94 has various illnesses and is unsteady on her feet and very frail but will insist on getting up at 4am going to bathroom for a 'wash down' and has had 6 falls in 12 months resulting in trips to A & E. She lives in a residential care home and will not buzz for assistance saying she does not want to lose her independence, and is helping carers by washing & dressing herself. Not caring she is causing more stress and concern for all. After her last fall she was hospitalised and promised me, doctors & carers that she will not go into bathroom on her own, but has continued to do so & ignored all advise. She told me she will continue to do as she pleases and its none of my business, but I cannot keep going to A & E spending 12 hours waiting for x rays scans etc. No help from my siblings she relies on me constantly & I am worn out. I thought her decision to go to a CH would relieve the stress of caring for her but now seems worse. I am at my wits end!! She refuses to heed any advise and will not help me to help her.....

11

Comments

Show:
Thank you all! Both my mom and my client/friend fall, and I have been so concerned, but they are both trying to keep their heads down and never move to the next level of care, so are more compliant with walker, rollator, and wheelchair (using only out of the apts), and the client in AL, for what that's worth (young, uncaring help she says). No more I can do; I pray for them and let it go... have to for my own bp level....
(2)
Report

SOunds like my mom. She lives with a brother, and so is "looked after" 24/7. Sort of. She fell the other day, I guess just her legs gave out and she fell hard on her bottom. Her fall alert went off, middle of the day, and nobody in the house (3 adults were home) answered their phones, they were all asleep--so the EMT's had to come pick her up. She was embarrassed and furious. All she needed was a hand to help her back up.

I agree with shakingdustoff--some of mother's worst falls have happened with someone standing right there next to her. It just happens.

Mom doesn't listen to me either. She'll forget her walker and walk about clinging to the walls for support. It's kind of a useless endeavor to get her to be compliant, and I don't even try anymore.
(4)
Report

Mom is in a care home & all she needs is in place she is the most infuriating the most stubborn & yes the most aggravating woman, she will carry on until that fatal fall & as she says that will be it, maybe that's what she wants?? Thank you all for your comments & for taking the time to post at least I know I'm not alone with this problem, appreciate you all best wishes Frankie xx
(2)
Report

What elders set in their own ways fail (or refuse) to realize is that prevention, caution, and changes now can contribute to independence later.


Insisting on getting up w/o support doesn't reflect independence; it reflects stubbornness, which is antithetical to maintaining the very goal of independence.


My father used to remind me that he and a (former UDT/Frogman) friend took a tumbling course decades earlier and learned how to fall and protect themselves. Although he did fall twice (either during or after taking Fosamax) and suffered a fracture each time, he fell numerous times after those episodes and never again suffered a fracture. We worked together to place furniture in strategic places so he had something to fall into, or to hold onto as he slipped down to the floor.

I wasn't really comfortable with this level of "protection", but the fact that the numerous falls didn't result in any fractures made me think more seriously and respect his plans.

I'm now in the process of rearranging my whole house to compensate so that if I do fall, I either have a hand hold or something soft to hang onto. I'm going to add grab bars and vertical braces for the basement stairs, grab bars for the stairs to the second story, elevated entry for the side entrance where the ground is subsiding...

I want to "fall proof" my house before I have to start worrying more about falls and fractures.


Frankie, perhaps you can take that approach. Ask your mother what you can do to enhance her living arrangements to provide additional support - grab bars, removal of rugs, utensils in boxes next to her favorite chair, kitchen dishes at a convenient level, etc.

Try something simple - perhaps a commode in the bedroom (although you'll need to brace the legs so it doesn't tip) …. one thing at a time.
(4)
Report

Frankie, I totally get it! My mom can barely walk or see and is very forgetful. She shakes and her hands hardly work, yet thinks she can live alone!! She won't stay seated nor use her cane or walker around the house. She's also up all hrs of the night walking the floors. I get so frustrated, I wanna just yell at her to sit the h*ll down for five minutes! I constantly have a knot in my stomach. Her stubberness really wants on my patience. When she's compliant I have no problem waiting on her hand and foot.
(2)
Report

Please do, Frankie; no guilt if she is of sound mind and simply won't take care of herself.
(3)
Report

She has had 2 evaluations for dementia, she has not got it. Just wants to do things her way, carers are very good with her but when they tell her to buzz for them she wont. No not asked about bed alarm. Have told her I wont go A & E again if she falls due to her stubbornness but she just says 'please yourself' Will call her bluff next time!!
(3)
Report

Your mom can't have it both ways. Dementia would be a game changer, and I encourage you to ask her doctor about an evaluation.

If mom is independent, then she can be seen by A and E on her own; if she DOESN'T have dementia and you set this boundary--that you don't show up and "rescue" her when she foolishly tries to do what she's been told she shouldn't--then she may think twice about arising on her own.

However, if she's got dementia, she CAN"T remember or reason logically. She may need a higher level of care than a care home can give.

Have they considered a bed alarm for her?
(3)
Report

Hi BarbBrooklyn, no she hasn't got dementia, just stubbornness but expects me to pick up the pieces, I have said I wont go A & E next time but will feel guilty if I don't!!
(1)
Report

That's what I was thinking -- why can't she be at A and E by herself?

I'm seriously thinking of not going to the ER the next time my mother goes (she hasn't been in a year, knock on wood). I am not allowed into her medical appointments, so why should I be there in the ER with her?

She says she knows how much I dislike going to the ER with her (ummm, yes...we are there until the early hours of the morning, it always takes around 6 hours, she refuses to do all the tests -- specifically MRI -- that could determine what's going on). One time I had a broken toe and my foot was swollen. I don't like the expectation that *I* will accompany her to the many trips to the bathroom. (I've started really pushing back on THAT expectation.)
(3)
Report

Related
Questions