Newbie here. 93 year old mom recently in need of 24/7 care due to becoming a fall risk and mild cognitive decline/dementia. I still have a full house at home with 4 adult kids and husband. 2 oldest have been dealing with their decade long debilitating and untreatable medical conditions, which prevented them from going to high school and/or college, hence them also dealing with anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts. Mom can no longer understand/realize the effect this has on our family. She has absolutely has no qualms about me taking care of her every need, what effect it might have on me, as if it is totally natural and expected, while my brother gets a free pass on any obligation to help.
Hired a 24/7 care giver in her own home. She has been through 5 now since Thanksgiving, they can’t deal with her bossiness and abuse. She constantly berates me and the caregiver, screams at us, tells us how horrible we are, to the point that I just no longer care what she says and minimize my time with her just to survive (been told I’m going to hell and called a pig, physically shoved and told to shut up many times) but the caregiver wants to leave. However, she can be sweet as pie to everyone else, so it seems she can control her behavior, but she chooses to rip into to me, her caregiver, her sister and my godmother, who avoid talking to her now for their own piece of mind.
Mom refuses a nursing facility, and how could I dare throw her into the street like that, how shameful and embarrassing for me to even consider it. What a horrible person I’ve become.... I am touring a facility and want to take my mom to show her how nice these places can be. I also want to be brutally honest with her and explain the situation, that if she keeps treating the caregiver this way, she will have to move into a facility of her choosing. My question is, is it right to give her this ultimatum, and to point out that she is able to choose how she treats certain people, or is this how dementia works? Is she truly unable to control these angry outbursts ? Are we victims of her abuse also her triggers? It’s embarrassing to say, but I cannot stand being around her, and I have to take her into my home every other weekend to give the caregiver time off. My husband resents her now because of how she treats me, but refusing to let her steal my joy has made me callous towards her.
Should I lay it all out to her? If not, how to I get her to change her behavior?