My mom is in year 3 after being diagnosed with dementia. She and my stepdad have been married for 25 years. We see my mom once a year when they come to visit in Wisconsin.
The change in my mom from last year is dramatic. The loss of memory, physical functions, disposition, hygiene etc. My stepdad, who is 80, has been the only caregiver with them living hundreds of miles away.
During the first week back my mom had a stroke. After hospitalization my brother took them into his home. My mom is no longer able to support her weight so he has had a hospital bed and a hoist brought in. He and his wife have become my mom's full-time caregiver, with my stepdad helping as he can.
Discussion is beginning on what to do with my mom. My stepdad is under the illusion that he will be able to take her back to TX with him. My brother and I do not think that is possible ever. My mom needs full time care at this point. There was some talk about a nursing home.
The finances are blurry and only my stepdad knows their financial situation. He said that they had signed a prenup when they got married, his stuff is his and hers is hers. I don't know anything about their finances, as I said, but after 25 years of marriage there is not much mine and yours anymore. They have a joint account which checks are written from so I am assuming that all money to pay for anything was pooled.
My brother has committed to taking my mother in and providing care for her. He describes my stepdad as "frugal" and I am translating this to mean he is still in visitor mode. He has not come to terms with the reality of my mom's condition and the expense of providing care for her at this point.
We have not been included in any of their healthcare discussions for the years they have been married we do not know what my mom's wishes are. At this point she is not able to communicate those wishes.
We are in over our head at this point. Where do we go for help in sorting this out?