I'm losing it. Mom with dementia accusing me of all sorts of things.

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Some more detail...I'm sure this is "normal" in my situation but I'm having a hard time handling it. I moved Mom into a senior community with support. This was about 3 months ago. I visit her several times a week. Today she told me that she wants to move somewhere else. She wants to move near my brother who is several states away. (IF ONLY!) Or into a place of her own. (She was in a place of her own nearby for the past 2 1/2 years and no longer remembers it.) Tonight she's calling me and accusing me of stealing her car. I'm truly ready to cry. I read the notes she writes and leaves all over her apartment about me stealing her money and taking her things. Again, I know this is "normal" for dementia...but it's causing me unbearable stress. I'm near the breaking point. Suggestions...Please!!!

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I thought I was alone. Thank you so much. I too am an only child, and am having a hard time dealing with the accusations and hatred my mother imposes on me. Using humor is not on option, as it only worsens the situation. Only those closest to me believe I am not at fault. The accusations have become so serious that I have recently had to block my mom’s calls because of he aggressive content of her voice mails, and I’m struggling to deal with her anger in conversations. I don’t know where to go from here, and mentally am at my limit in coping.
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One of my mothers siblings used my mothers Alzheimer's accusations that I was stealing her money from her to convince her to change her EPA to him and attempt to review her will. I am currently in the courts to attest to her incapacity at the time.
My mother is encouraged to be hostile toward me so he wins in court. I have to say the break from caring for her has been less stressful than all the hostility I had to endure.
Hang in there, the energy needed to care for your parent can be overwhelming so remember to look after yourself.
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Yesterday, I went to check on my mom. She's living on her own but spends a lot of time with me even though my daughter and I live in a one bedroom apartment. I tell her that I don't have a key to her apt. because she thinks I go there all the time to steal (fill in any item here). She hadn't answered the phone the day after the storm so I went to her apt. to check on her. She didn't answer her doorbell so I went to the management office to get their emergency key. When I unlocked her door the chain lock was on and she wasn't answering my calls. I thought I would have to have the police break down the door but eventually she answered my call when I threatened to have the police come. She wouldn't come to the door to let me in because I was just there to steal her money. I just turned around and locked the door and went home. I often wonder if this illness is worse to deal with if you always had a bad relationship with your mother. I worshiped my mom and she was my best friend so I'm very resentful that I have to deal with this body snatcher who is so verbally and emotionally abusive. All I can say is you are not alone and consider yourself "lucky" that your mom is in a facility. I'm still waiting for "something to happen" so that my mom can get the care she needs.
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I'm not an only child, but the others have made it clear that she can't stay with them for various reasons. I do have two siblings who come from time to time and help with doctor appointments and brief respite. We've started looking for places. It makes me so sad... like I'm failing someone no matter what I do, you know? But, yes, my husband and I agree that the children must come first.
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Joy, I hope you can find a good place for your mother. I know you and your husband could handle it, but I share your concern about the kids. I am with CTTN -- when she shook the toddler, that would have been the last straw. I know you love your mother, but it sounds like it would be better if you could visit her in a safe place than try to live with her. Fingers crossed that you can find a good place quickly.
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"her cursing my kids, she shook my toddler the other night..." That should be the end of your mother living with you. Are you an only child? If not, time to send your mother to live with one of them.
Your children come before your mother.
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I am glad I read this whole thread. I don't feel so alone. I've been Mom's active POA for over a year, and she's been living with me since last year. She daily says awful, hurtful things to me, my husband, and my children. It is very hard to deal with. I can find humor in it...but only after a day or so has passed and I have a little distance from it. When I'm in the thick of it, there is no humor. I've been accused of the standard money theft, trying to "make her THINK she's crazy", lying around having sex in the basement with a strange man (we have no basement, that's my husband, and we weren't having any sex-who has time or energy for sex with four kids and an 81-year-old??), that I'm trying to take her children, that it's dangerous in my house, her calling people and telling them "you don't know all the things that go on here", her cursing my kids, she shook my toddler the other night... and on and on. I think it will finally be the aggression toward my children that forces me to send her to a home. That is new, completely out of character, and very scary and dangerous to the littlest one.
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Jessebelle, Wishing you every success in your endeavors.
It would be good to see you have a life outside of the home.
The costs to replace you would be shocking to Mom. I could
not be remembering correctly, but can she be left alone at all?
It is spring, hope things will go better for you this year.
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I'm not too worried about it, Send. I know the money is handled well, but she didn't understand what she was seeing. I pay most things online, so she didn't even see those things. She was looking through the stubs for the last few months. This was only for church, income taxes, and home repairs. She couldn't comprehend what she was seeing, I'm sure. The bottom line is that she now has a house in better condition and has more money in savings than at any time of her life.

I work from home, so I'd have to quit my job (self employed) to go out to find another. :) I'm trying to put off drawing my SS as long as possible. After last year, though, going out to find a job might not be a bad idea. It was a terrible year for making money for me.
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Jessebelle,
My friend was being way too generous with gifts and tithes to her church.
Gifts to neices, nephews, friend's kids, etc. as she was at the same time calculating how many years until her money ran out. This was just not realistic, and I gently told her. I even went so far as to suggest she either retire the tithe, or give much less.
If a parent is placed, all their money goes to the facility, with perhaps a personal allowance of $30-50/ month. (As you are aware).
Tell your Mom that you will go out and get a job, she can pay caregivers to replace you. But instead, how about a one-time consultation with a budget-wise bookkeeper to come to your home and speak for you?

I was very hurt, devastated when dH did not trust me last year. This year, he thanks me for managing our money well. It was not me who changed the careful budget, but he changed his attitude. But it really really hurt to be accused. Or was I accursed or something?

My mil accuses everybody.  It is not unusual and this is when we try to console ourselves, by saying its not them talking, it is the illness.
  My sympathies to anyone being falsely accused.
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