Mom wants to come home and stay all night.

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Mom's nursing home has been in quarantine for over a week due to stomach viruses and lots of sick people. She called Saturday and wanted to stay all night Saturday night and I said no. She called today and asked again. Her point was they are replacing the toilet in her bathroom and they have to use commodes. But, they aren't replacing it until 7:30 tomorrow morning and I doubt if it's going to take long.

I can't take her of at home for that long. I am not allowed to help her transfer because of problems with my shoulder/arm/back. She thinks she can care for herself, yet a week ago she told me she was too afraid to walk alone. I don't want to take her out of the home while they are on quarantine. She tells me every month it is her last month there, she refuses to stay longer. Normally she has a very unrealistic attitude about her own capabilities.

She pushes my buttons and then gets upset and says "sorry I bothered you, I won't do it again." Then it starts over. I understand she is miserable there, won't do activities, bad attitude, etc... That is her normal attitude. I know she hates spending that money, but I get so tired of having to tell her no, it would be disastrous to have her come home for overnight. She has bladder issues, I can't get up during the night and help her.

She is wearing me down, but coming home for overnight is a horrible idea. She even told me over the weekend, the nurse said it was okay. I don't know who or what to believe.

Nancy

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Nancy, Bless your heart:) You are fine. We all have to come to terms with how our parents are. The scary thing I am starting to see is history repeating itself.
The perpetual lesson of learning to love and accept each other and overlook idiosyncrasies in our behaviors. I am like an animal out in the wilds, my ears and nose sensing immediate danger.
My daughter is getting married in a few weeks and son has a new girlfriend who wants to help. But maybe tries to portray herself as more helpful than she wants to be. Jesus, take me now. I don't think I can take another 30 years of this earthly nastiness:) but I'll try:) Lol xoxo
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Christina, you are right. She was here Christmas and all she talked about it was not wanting to go back, that place is killing her, why I won't let her come home. She cried for an hour and then all the way back to the home. She told me never to let her come home again, it was too hard. I remind her about that every time she asks to come home. Just like her telling me she was afraid to walk alone, afraid she would fall. I reminded her about that and she said "I said that?"

Jeanne: She has made up her mind to be unhappy, that is her game plan and obvious to me. Frequently she says things like "I should be home, so I can help you." My brother was a psychologist for 20 years and he tells me not to mention anything about home or the neighborhood, that would make it worse.

I have such little support from my siblings, I have to beg them to call her. None of them live here, one lives three hours away and she didn't visit or call from Thanksgiving til just a few weeks ago. When I tell them about all these things, they laugh.

I am really drained at this point, taking care of her has affected my health and now I feel like it's affecting me emotionally. This should be easier because she isn't home and I know she is being cared for there. I had cancer five years ago and had a really rough time with chemo, so my stamina isn't back and I have problems from the chemo. My doctors had told me for a few years to get more help for mom or consider placing her.

I thought about one of the assisted living facilities, because they are so much less expensive. But, if she can't get out of her chair and isn't stable, that won't work. She can move on her own some of the time, but even with a gait belt on her, someone with her and using her walker, she can't go over 20 feet without needing her wheelchair. And our house isn't very handicap accessible. Doorways aren't wide enough for a wheelchair, no ramps and the bathroom on the main level is kind of small.

I am glad I have all of you, this is draining to me.

Nancy
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I would be afraid she would ask to stay a second night. Then she may start crying and say no one wants her or cares about her. It's the victim mentality trying to manipulate you into the vicious cycle. And so it goes.
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I am going to talk to the director of nursing. This is the best home in a 75 mile radius. It is very clean and the toilet started leaking, so they did a temp fix today, but they said they had to replace it. The administrator is a family friend and it won't bother me a bit to call him either. They are very picky about residents washing their hands and about the quality of care, so this stomach virus outbreak really shocked me.

We don't have many options, this is the one that is hard to get into. The other option is one my dad was in for a short time, won't place her there. They messed up dad's meds. He was despondent at the time, but they still messed up the meds, causing him to go back to the hospital.

Mom has gained 16 pounds, which is much needed. I go eat with her in the main dining room and the food is really good. I know lots of people there and their families are all very happy. Mom is a very negative person, nothing is ever good with her, she never laughs or smiles. She has been like that for a long time.

I think she is just pushing my buttons, which she has done for as long as I can remember. I called her nurse tonight and she was on duty the evening mom called and said the nurse said she could go home. She didn't say that, I know now I can't rely on mom to communicate. She is making a plan so mom won't have to use the commode at all. She said it would be down for less than an hour and they are just going to keep mom and her roommate near the desk and they can use the bathroom dining room. She knows mom well and mom likes her, so she is going to talk to her.

I really think this is just mom trying to push me and make excuses to come home. It doesn't help that my dad passed away on Easter Sunday, this is a rough time of year for her.

Thanks.

Nancy
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Horserider may be right. Maybe Mom would be more satisfied at at different place. Or maybe she has made up her mind to be dissatisfied no matter what. You know her. Which do you think applies?

In my support group I've heard of needing a quarantine in several different ALFs and NHs. It isn't just the poor quality places that have to deal with highly infectious diseases sometimes.

Also, could you really get by with just one shift of help? Your shoulder is an issue 24/7, right?

But that is a separate issue from coming home for an overnight now. I am afraid that once she comes home it is going to be VERY difficult to get her back to the NH. Again, you know her. Are you worried about that?

If you think that it is the quality (or lack of quality) of the NH that is causing your mother's dissatisfaction, then by all means, make the effort of checking out other options. But since living with you is not one of those options, I don't think it is a good idea to do it "for one night."
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Talk directly to the head of the facility to find out what is going on rather than trusting what your Mom says. Replacing the toilets while in Quarentine sounds very odd (were the toilets the cause of the outbreak?).
For the immediate problem, find out how much it would cost to hire a night nurse to help, then tell your Mom that you'd be delighted to have her spend the night IF this person is hired to help, since you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if anything happened to her because of your shoulder (etc. etc).

For the long term, it sounds like your Mom doesn't think this place is very good, and she may be right. She isn't happy there, and it sounds like they may have quality issues that could endanger her life (this stomach flue would be spread by poor sanitation practices by either staff or residents...and the staff are responsible for the residents).
Is moving her to another facility or a board & care an option? My Grandmother is at a FANTASTIC 6 person board & care. It's less than half of what a SNF cost, and it's 1-3 caregiver resident ratio (more personalized care, and it sounds like your Mom isn't doing the "activities" anyhow). We did shop around. Some we checked out were run-down, gloomy, dark, depressing, homeless people wandering by, and they charged extra for things this "deluxe" place does for free. Our actual out-of-pocket expenses are not much more, and she's in a very nice, light place, own bedroom, with great food, and has even regained 25+ badly needed lbs.
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It may or may not be OK with the nurse, but it is not OK with you. That is all that counts.

Keep saying No.
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My neighbor told me one time what to say, about anything that I didn't want to do. She said to say "I COULDN'T possibly do that."
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