Follow
Share

My older sister (she is 76, I am 72, Mom is 108) and I share taking care of Mom in her home. Sister lives in the same town, I am 900 miles away, but come every 3 or so weeks, stay for 8-10 days so Sis gets a break. Been doing this for 5 years. But Mom wants me and my husband, plus married daughter with 2 kids (who needs me to help with child care), to pull up stakes and move to her neighbor hood so she can see us every day, and I can help care for her so my sister does not get worn out. I am unwilling to do that. Her reason: that's what a family does...stick close. For most of her life her family lived relatively near each other and now she expects the same.


Who's right? Am I truly that selfish to want to maintain my life, home and family (which I have built for 45 years)? Or is my obligation to live up to her expectations? We tried getting in a part-time caregiver to help Sister, but that was a "stranger", not family, and thus unacceptable.


My guilt and anger is reaching a breaking point. Because I won't do what Mom wants, she tells me I should not come back because it's too hard on her when I leave each time. But I can't leave the care burden entirely to my sister, who completely understands and supports my position.


Now Mom is (once again) angry that I am leaving, crying, "What will I do if your sister gets sick or hurt?" Well, we have tried to get additional help, but she rejected that option. For her there is only one solution: I should come and live with her.


What do I do? Give in and leave my family? Let my sister deal with it? I feel catatonic, unable to please everyone.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Please don’t let yourself be guilted into uprooting your whole life and moving to be close to your mom. Moving in itself is a massive undertaking at any age. If you give Mom what she wants, you will become her slave at her beck and call 24/7/365. Then, when she passes, will you move back “home”? What does your sister say? Is she content with the current situation.

At some point you will need to speak with your sister and decide when it’s time to put your foot down with Mom. It’s not easy, but it sounds like Mom needs to be told what’s possible and what’s not.
(21)
Report

Sister45, first how amazing your Mom is 108, and seeing all the changes in the world.

What your Mom is doing is that she wants to continue with her lifestyle but wants you, your husband, and your daughter and her 2 children to change their lifestyle, plus your sister who is the primary caregiver. This is the time that you quietly say to your Mom "sorry, I cannot possibly do that" and don't say anything more.

My gosh, both you and your sisters are seniors yourselves, with your own age decline issues. What is also happening is that your Mom still sees you and your sister as being in your 20's and 30's with boundless energy. Oops, that ship had sailed a few years ago.

Another thing that is happening, when ever an elders lives with a grown child or a grown child moves in with an elder, the child/adult dynamics return back to how it was back when the grown child was a teenager. The elder now is back into being the "parent" and you and your sister are just "kids" so what do you know :P

I worry greatly about your sister being in her 70's and doing all this work. Stats have shown that around 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love ones. That is so very unfair, a parent shouldn't bury a grown child.

Time for your sister to try to set boundaries. Since your Mom refuses caregivers coming in, have your sister make up a list of all the things she does for Mom on a weekly basics.... now have her cross off half of those items... now cross off a couple more. And stick to the list. And have your sister also learn to say "sorry, Mom, I can't possibly do that" "I need someone to help ME with your care" "You need to hire an experienced professional caregiver".

Yes there will be major guilt and some very uncomfortable moments, but at least everyone is gets back a little part of their life each time. I wished I had known about that before venturing upon the journey of helping my very elderly parents.
(28)
Report

Have you tried the "we'll see" response? Indefinite delaying tactics rather than getting into tangled explanations or direct confrontation with her? I should try fobbing her off rather than refusing.

But snakes alive! No, it is not reasonable for your mother to expect you literally to move your entire life and family back to her street. Of course not. You can be sympathetic to her feeling the need to have her loved ones clutched to her at this time of life, but that still doesn't mean you have to construct reality around it!
(23)
Report

Good grief, I hate to say it but this lady seems to be perfectly willing to suck the life out of you and your sister! She's 108... Does it seem at all likely that you or your sister will be able to enjoy such a long life span? Nope, didn't think so!

You will have to set boundaries as she WON'T.
(21)
Report

Well, obviously the answer to moving your family to please your mum is, "No!" I think, given you and your sister's ages, it would be a good idea for the two of you to meet and make up a care plan for your mum for the future. Your sis is in danger of burning out and developing health issues due to the burden of care, and you are suffering from stress. It is time for change.

Your mum is showing signs of stress or something more by being so agitated when you leave. Has she been evaluated recently?

If you could involve a third party like her doctor or a social worker, mum may take the news that she needs help outside of the family better. There is no way you and your sister should continue to carry this burden alone.

Some people have brought in an extra person to "help" them e.g. with housework and that has morphed into more help in time. It might be worth trying that.

Do let us know how you work this out.
(15)
Report

Personally, I think it is extremely generous and loving of you to go so often and stay so long to give your sister a break, considering you live 900 miles away. I have siblings that live that far away and I'm lucky if they cruise through once a year or so to be fed and entertained while they happen to be vacationing nearby.

Your mother is being totally selfish and unrealistic. Her preferences can not be allowed to dominate your and your family's lives. You and your sister need to join forces to set some boundaries with her. She needs to accept that she can either agree to outside help, or make do with less help than she would like.
(13)
Report

Your 108 y/o mother has used up any caregiving credits she might have had. Shame on her for expecting her 72 and 76 y/o daughters to take care of her!

I agree that you and your sister need to join forces and set boundaries with your mother. She's had way too long to call all of the shots here!
(14)
Report

Your mother is 108?! Well bless her heart! She can want any thing she wants to want, and can expect anything she can imagine. She can fantasize that Lawrence Welk is coming to dance with her next week.

But none of her wants and expectations and fantasies require you to do anything. She is entitled to them, but they don't obligate anyone else.

Would she enjoy skyping with you and your family every week? Could your local sister help her with this?

If Mom needs in-home help (and I can't imagine that she doesn't) she needs to arrange for it and pay for it.

"What family does" depends on the family, their relationships, and circumstances. What family shouldn't do is have unreasonable expectations of each other or practice emotional black mail.
(28)
Report

Awe, bless her heart for reaching 108 years old, that is a feat in itself, I'm sure you LOVE your Mom and sister a lot, with the help you bring every few weeks!

No, of course you should not pack up your life and move your entire family there to be near her, that is an unreasonable request, just your going there is an incredible gift to your sister, and one that we don't often see here on the AC, as normally the burden is placed all on one child of the parent to manage, and we all know how difficult it is! You are a gem for helping as much as you do!

Now is the time to get together with your sister, to come up with a new strategy, on how Mom's life can be better managed, and then have a sit down with the 3 of you, to discuss some workable solutions. Plus, MOM needs to get on board, before one or both of you burn out completely. It is very difficult for parents to understand that we too are getting on in years, and that our own health (or that of other family members) might be compromised with illness, arthritis or other concerns, jobs, kids, finances, as our parents still see us as perpetually young, which is silly in itself.

For now, continue doing what you are doing, and work towards new solutions. This stuff takes time, but I know you will because you are such a caring person!

Happy holidays, try to enjoy them!
(9)
Report

Thank you all for your great support and affirmation of what I believed was my role, i.e., to do as much as I can as often as I can. My sis DOES support my position, and I love her dearly for that. We have tried several times to explain to Mom that her expectations are unrealistic, but to no avail. Freqflyer, you are right that Mom sees us as still kids that she should be able to control (is she VERY controlling).  We are grateful that she does not have dementia, but that means she can still think for herself and therefore (to her way of thinking) can run her life her way.  And thus she absolutely rejects any suggestion of compromise.  The only limits she will accept are those she imposes.  

Unfortunately, because of her anger and disappointment over my refusal to bend to her wishes, she makes my visits very ... toxic for me.  Not that she doesn't make Sister's life difficult, but saves the real vitriol for me.  (I am already out of the will.)  I don't think I can bear to be there for Christmas this year, particularly with my grandkids being 5 and 2.5.  I WILL NOT miss these precious years with them.  Unfortunately, it is not feasible for all 6 of my family to go visit her at this time.

I read so many posts here demonstrating that my situation is minor compared to many others, so I take strength in our shared challenges.  Thank you all.
(18)
Report

Sister, I hope you enjoy a wonderful Christmas with your grandkids!
(3)
Report

I am so sorry that you have been cut out of the will! Is what your sister is going to eventually get worth the stress to her as the main caregiver?
(0)
Report

I’m just another singer joining the choir. My thoughts? Oh, hell
no! And - get that thought out of your head, right along with all the undeserved and unreasonable guilt!!!

I looked after my mom for six years - the first two years included my beloved father.

Mom and I never lived together- mom was an extremely difficult and complicated woman and her and I under the same roof would have been a disaster even in her best years and on her best days.

My little house on the lake became my sanctuary- my place to regroup, recenter, re-everything. It was bad enough that in the last couple years the constant ringing of the phone was an almost daily intrusion- it was never anyone calling for anything - besides my mother and the dozen or so branches related to her and her care.

I honestly don’t think I would have made it those six years if it weren’t for my ability to go home and be with my husband and son.

I’m sure there are all kinds of documented reasons as to why - but it seems that at some point a lot of declining seniors are most willing and able to throw their grown children under the bus in order to continue to live as they want to live. Their “independence” is only possible through the sacrificing of ours.
(10)
Report

The woman is 108. Of course she wants her family close. I think most elderly become needy as they age. At 108 all her friends are gone. Saying all that...no I don't think you should move. Actually, I think what you do for Mom and sister is great. Your what, 15 hours away? That is a two day drive time every 3wks or so. And you stay 8-10 days! I bet there r a lot of caregivers on this site that would love to have a break like that. Like said, Mom comes from a generation when family could live and work near each other. This is not the norm anymore. If I was in your shoes, luck would have it that I would make the move and Mom would pass right after I moved. I can see where your Mom is coming from and she may never understand...but after 45 yrs this is your life. She lived her life the way she wanted to and youvr entitled to live urs the way u want to. Uprooting ur family is not an option. She may never except this, but that is how it is. Continue the way ur going for your sister. (I just got done driving from NJ to Miss, stop over in Atlanta, so I am aware how long it is. Not sure if I could do it every 3 weeks or so) I think you r doing what u can in the situation.
(5)
Report

Wow, 108! If your mom is still getting around and has a good mind, that's wonderful for her! If you want the same quality of life now and in the future, be strong and do what you know is right for you. It is so easy to feel guilty, especially if the person you care for plays that card. But you would not be doing anyone any good by turning your life upside down. Think about what might happen if you did uproot yourself... would anything change with the demands on you? Most likely not, a leopard doesn't change its spots.

My mom is so sweet, she would never try to make me feel guilty but she also was adamant about not having someone come in to help out. So, it mostly fell on me to take care of things. I finally decided I needed a backup so planned a two week trip away but also made a couple of appointments for Mom while I was gone. She doesn't drive, therefore someone had to take her. I set up with a caregiver to come in twice a week "while we were away". That worked out and after we came home, we just continued having that person come in. Mom did ask quite a few times, at first, if she had to have someone at the house and I just said yes. Now she's developed a good relationship with the person and they go out twice a week for lunch or whatever. She sounds so upbeat after those outings! Now that she considers Mary her friend, she doesn't ask about discontinuing the service. I imagine your situation is somewhat different but stick to your gut feeling about what you should do and you'll be much happier in the long run.  Good luck to you!
(4)
Report

Oh, my. Bless you for the sacrifices you are already making, and I refer to your frequent, generously long visits. I also imagine your sister is overwhelmed, living in the same town as mom...

The good book says, in paraphrase: "For this reason (marriage) a man (or woman) shall LEAVE his/her father and mother and live together with his/her spouse."

Uprooting yourselves in your golden years to live 900 miles away is so very complicated, expensive, stressful and so on, that it is beyond my ability to fathom.
Of course you should not do that.

Whether or not your mom is very lucid or only partly so, your moving is not in the realm of "proper" actions to consider for more than the blink of an eye.

If there ever was a time to "separate how you feel from what you do" this is that time.

Consider
What $ resources does mom have? If abundant, she can afford to have outside help come in nearly everyday.
Alternatively she could go to live in an assisted living facility.
Steel yourselves to the inevitable howls of disagreement from mom. (respectfully of course.)

It is my hunch that you will make no headway trying to reason with mom.
It is also my hunch that no matter what is done, mom will not be satisfied (and she is already not satisfied). So you might as well have it "your" way and you and sister figure out what can be done to lighten the load of the two of you.

There is no simple answer.

Grace + Peace,

Bob
(6)
Report

You are CERTAINLY NOT being selfish. I it sounding a lot to me like Mum trying to control everyone else. NO WAY should you feel obliged to move house and if it was me - it would be THE LAST THING I would ever consider. My advice: Follow your heart - do what you think is fair - and DO NOT get sucked into the guilt trip. I think you and your sister are wonderful to your Mum. I know many many poor Mums who get put in nursing homes and get the occasional visit from their kids............... And a final comment regarding being "cut out of the Will" - remember Wills are only a piece of paper and ANY COURT can override it. Seen it may times. Love and hugs to you - and have a wonderful Christmas............................
(2)
Report

Your mom is 108! That is amazing! What is her secret? If you don't want to move, I would say help your sister hire some help, and keep trying out different people until you find some who have a personality that is a good fit for your mother.
(3)
Report

When your mom tries to guilt you into moving...do not cry. That is what she wants believe it or not. You need to read this book I highly recommend called Loving hard to Love Parents by Paul Chafetz. Your mom's behavior is described in there and how to handle it. She has absolutely no right to ask this of you and you have every right to maintain your current life. She will die one of these days and then what...if you moved. Stand your ground, maintain your boundaries and as another reader says just reply with "we'll see"..this is called a therapeutic fib. Get the book and one for your sister. Extremely helpful and validating
(5)
Report

When your mom tries to guilt you into moving...do not be manipulated by her crying. That is what she wants believe it or not. You need to read this book I highly recommend called Loving hard to Love Parents by Paul Chafetz. Your mom's behavior is described in there and how to handle it. She has absolutely no right to ask this of you and you have every right to maintain your current life. She will die one of these days and then what...if you moved?  Stand your ground, maintain your boundaries and as another reader says just reply with "we'll see"..this is called a therapeutic fib. Get the book and one for your sister. Extremely helpful and validating
I want to add that as a sibling you are being a great help to your sister. Far more than what most siblings are willing to do. You don’t say if your mom has dementia or not but I assume so at 108. Guess what..if your sister is sacrificing her time and health to care for mom...then mom doesn’t get to call all the shots!! Your sister has every right to hire help and mom will just have to deal with it. It’s amazing to me how we let parents think they can run the world and then ask favors as their children's backs are breaking. It’s about boundaries..what you will and will not accept.
(2)
Report

I’m on the NO-you’re-not-being-selfish team. Good grief, you and your sister are Wonder Women!

Such great advice here! I have started keeping a list of responses and reminders so they are readily available when we are asked again (demanded) to adjust our lives so my in-laws can continue to live their “independently “.

On a forum yesterday someone wrote “look after their needs, not necessarily their wants”. Great one, huh? Now I can ask myself, is this “request” a want or a need? I ask myself that all the time when I want to purchase something, so why not in these situations as well?

Am curious, does your sister have other family other than Mom? Husband or children or grandchildren? YES, enjoy your family and don’t feel guilty. Sounds like your mom is a bit wistful of the good old days.
(3)
Report

Don't let your mother and family do this to you.
(3)
Report

There is nothing reasonable about the selfish demands of the elderly. No matter WHAT you do, it won't be 'enough' anyway, so go on with your OWN life and 'yes' your mother to death. Tell her you'll be moving closer to her in 6 months. If she's still on earth after 6 months, extend it by another 6 months.
Best of luck!
(7)
Report

I see valid points on both sides. You do need to preserve your life and take care of other responsibilities. Your mom's worry about what if your sister gets sick is real. How about this. For a period of time, hire someone from an agency who will work only when you are there. Really screen for someone who is compatible with your mom. Allow your mom to become accustomed to this person while you are there to assess. Take it slow. This person can also work when your sister is there. Your mom will adjust to the new norm if the person is a good fit. Eventually, that aide will be able to be there alone with her. Be firm with your mom and be selective in the hiring process. Meanwhile, look into other living arrangements for your mom. There could easily come a time that a change of home address for her will be necessary.
(1)
Report

I will keep this short, since others have said most of what I would say. Here is the way I look at this:

Your Mom has lived a long, long life. Probably the way she has wanted. Now, it is your turn. This is how life goes. No reason to feel guilty or uproot your own family for her sake. Your turn to focus on your family and its well-being, while calling her (less visiting) and letting her know she is loved.
(2)
Report

Oh, this one is a no brainer: of course, you cannot pull up stakes. what you are already doing is heroic!!!!!!!!!!

One question: did your mom do this for her mom?


Your mom needs to be grateful that her two daughters have taken such good care of her at home. Asking for more is just getting things out of perspective--a malady of our culture.
(2)
Report

I not only think you should not do this, I would love to see you and your sister go on a cruise while mom learns to deal with hired help. Your mother is absolutely in the wrong here.
(7)
Report

lynina2 suggested what I would have - being 108 we here do not know what mom needs on a daily basis, but if it is mainly cooking and cleaning, yes, hire someone who comes in when one of you is there. Call this person a friend who is helping YOU or some other fib. Then your visit can focus on mom, not working your butts off! If she complains, simply explain that you/sister have health issues and you need the help. If she needs other help, such as personal care, perhaps if you can at least get the other help it reduces your load AND if eventually she accepts this person/people, maybe that can morph into helping her with her personal care.
No way on the move. Mom wants to be closer, tell her SHE needs to move closer to you! Guilt can only work if you let it. Sure, mom is way up there in years and may not have a long time left, but she has no business laying guilt on you. Wanting you there is one thing. Demanding is another. Tune it out and fluff her off, say what others suggested - house is up for sale, cannot move until it sells, looking for a new home, etc.
As for the will, whatever. If that's the way she feels, so be it. The hassle and stress is not worth anything she would leave. Sister also has the bulk of work, so I would be fine letting her get it all. HOWEVER, my former MIL always threatened to take my son off her will because she demanded more visits, etc from him (he was probably 20-something.) I cannot say for sure, but I think it was just a threat. Unless you've actually seen this will, you won't know for sure! You say you have been doing this for 5 years, which means she was 103 when you started - how would she get out to make that change? But again, is cowing to what she wants worth any monetary gain at her death? Probably not!
(4)
Report

What kind of help for your mother does your sister provide? Does she live with her?
What are your mother's ailments?

Is she very wealthy? Can she easily pay for help? Would she eventually be private-pay if she needed care in a facility?

Are there any other sibs?

Your mother is totally unreasonable. I feel especially bad for your sister...76 years old and the slave of a controlling 108 year-old on a daily basis? (Or is it not that bad?)
(3)
Report

My goodness - 108!!! Well God bless her - but of course she wants your attention 24/7. They all do! DO NOT under any circumstances give up your home/friends etc. You are doing more than enough. She is just going to have to accept some additional caretaking. They are all stubborn, want their own way and you have to think of it as they are reverting back to acting like a child. Did you cave to all the desires of your children? No - probably not. FIRM boundaries are needed - if not they will literally play on your guilt, complain, be difficult to get their own way. It's a hard game to play and a delicate balance but if you want to maintain your sanity, the sake of your family, and not be completely drained emotionally, physically and mentally - set boundaries. You are only ONE person. My mom is only 91 but I've had to stand firm. She would literally have me doing everything for her. And my health started to suffer...nope I love myself too much and want to enjoy my later years if possible. Not suffer a heart attack or stroke due to stress! God Bless!!!
(2)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter