Mom tried to gaslight me today.

The hardest part for me, extended family think I’m not doing my best. My mom hit me while I was driving. No surprise there... it had been coming during other visits. She tells the visiting nurse the next day, I hit her ...it’s amazing how much she hurt me by that..... I once told her ( I could see it coming out of the corner of my eye) if you hit me , I clock you back , her response .... you better make it a good one...
family blames me, I can’t do enough ,..... you could do more, move her by you, ( out of state ) ...
Boundaries.... so true

Gaslighting is the worst as elders with this trait age it becomes worse. The only thing you can do is set boundaries. By setting boundaries though can become vile and nasty and elders do not take kindly to this, but is the only way you can protect yourself from such abuse. It becomes worse when the elder lives in a facility where triangulation games take place, this can put you in a legal situation and the best thing to do is go little contact or no contact so that they cannot target you, only go little or no contat if there is someone else who can take over who you trust and can confide in. You will be the blame for everything because you are the closest love one and will be targeted out of frustration and sometimes confusion and nothing will be their fault, it is hard and very difficult to deal with. I dealt with this situation pretty much my whole married life. But I loved my MIL with all my heart but could never understand this behaviour.

Rbuser1,

I am there, too. Mom has been very good to me and I want to be there for her but there are days that the only way I can love and support her are by doing the minimum needed and then getting as far from her as possible. Especially when the ranting and yelling start. It is sometimes hard to love her. Sometimes I get stressed, then sad because I am watching her decline. I can't be responsible for her feelings about her marriage and her emotional (retaliatory) abuse of Dad. I have to take care of my own feelings and not get sucked back into the triangulation she set up when I was a kid.

She has done her share of gaslighting me over the years, but it has been fairly limited. Still frustrating. I am not a little girl anymore and she can't fool me. Nor to I claim to aspire to be an ideal daughter.

You know what? They are dang lucky to have me.

Stick to your boundaries.

Donyah

Snowfall, thank you for your input. It is something to think about. take care.

If your mom has been diagnosed with depression or another mental health disorder, just remember she is ill. I taught children with very high needs and I always had to advocate for the students who were physically healthy but had psychiatric disorders because people in the school environment would not make accommodations for them in the same way that they would for a child in a wheelchair. Try to make accommodations for her and remind yourself that she may not be able to control her behaviour in the same way that a child with Autism is unable to cope with certain situations. She may not be doing it on purpose as she may be unable to see it the way you do.

lilhelp, She has someone who will help her, but then she triangulates that friendship with me. It doesn't bother me like it used to. I used to not like this person, but she isn't bad but the more I get along with her the more my Mom talks smack about her. So sad.
Sad because she is probably back to doing that to me. Again, been there and done that.
Funny but now I know her MO so these 'problems' aren't new just how I look at them. Granted it still gets me occasionally but I know it's not me, it's her.
thank you and be safe

Sorry for what you went through.  That business with her being negative is enough to make you not feel well.  Her not being nice may be because she's ill, depressed, too.  Still, it hurts and ruins an otherwise nice day/visit. 

Sounds like she needs in home care and help (not always or only you!) based on the fact that she stopped doing her weekly pill dispenser.  Hope you can get some help for her Soon so you can get the breaks you need.

Take care.

lil

Oh BarbBrooklyn, I can take my own advice. :) Two steps forward, one back.
But it really is the worst feeling imo, insideous.
thank you and hugs back.

RB, I'm sorry for your troubles. Off the top of my head, I only recall that you have a fraught relationship with you mom and I think she recently moved into her own place. I'm going to quote YOUR answer to someone else on this site (very good advice, it seemed to me at the time, and still does):

"Yes, classic gaslighting. The sickest trick in the book. She has the problem not you.
I hope you find some peace while dealing with this situation. Maybe you can't physically get away from her now, but you can draw some boundaries in your mind.
One of my issues when dealing with my Mom was to stop engaging with her.
Stay here with us. There are varying degrees of the same unhealthy relationships for most of us. Stay safe and hug"

Stay safe and hugs to you too, dear!