Mom says "What do I do?" It breaks my heart...

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Mom is at her home with 24/7 care. I go in 3 times a week take her out shopping and get something to eat and on 3rd day my house to eat with me and my husband. When I take here home she is confused and just says, "What do I do?" I can't entertain her everyday. I feel so bad for her. Did I miss the boat on a memory care facility? She doesn't do anything on her own. Dad passed a year and half ago. No short term memory. She doesn't even bring up the old stuff anymore. Always calls me my sister's name. I'm at a loss as to what to do now.

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Ihave1now, what type of facility are you referring to when you say the home? Is this a Nursing home, Memory Care facility, or some other adult home care place? When you say that she can't do anything for herself, I take it that she is incontinent and needs help with all her daily activities. An assessment from a person who is authorized to conduct them would be helpful. In my state, someone who needs total care would need either Memory Care that is considered a Special Care unit or Nursing Home. I'd check with your state to see what their requirements are.
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My mom can't hear anything . Left ear is the best. She really doesn't do anything for herself. I make her feed herself, but I noticed this is changing. So is walking. The ladies in the home seem somewhat quite. Although will talk with me if I engage them. My mom rattles her walker, and hollers let's go, once she sees me.
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What is your concern about you mom "fitting"?

It's good to think about these things up front. Did the residents seem higher functioning? Lower functioning? Cliquish? Did you like the DON, or did she impress as Atilla the Hun? (no disrespect meant to Huns).

Our first attempt at moving mom was to a lovely AL where several family members resided. It was simply a poor fit. Mom didn't need the help they were offering (ADLs and Medication Management) and she DID need lots of reassurance. Which Attila didn't like giving. She thought mom was a whiner.

So when mom toddled into her office on day three with her BP meter which read 210/110 and mom, instead of just showing it to her said "I think my BP meter is broken" she told her to stop being so needy.

SIL found mom unresponsive in her room later that night and she was rushed to the ER. When the AL found out that we were moving mom, they demanded her deposit and a month's rent. We kindly offered not to sue them and they stepped aside.

It's SO hard to know when this is your first rodeo; I would move her (I'd have moved my mom into the original place again, because there was NO WAY to tell really that it wasn't going to work out); mom wouldn't visit the other family members "because she wears diapers".

Ultimately, mom ended up in a nice Independent Living Facility with nicer folks and more reassurance. And a doctor who gave her his cell phone number.
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I'm a little confused. Why would they want a deposit, if they haven't determined if they can meet her needs? From my experience, it might be good to have the aids available, so they can accurately report what mom can do, unless you know for sure. I know that my LO said she could prepare her meals, bathe, dress, etc., but, none of that was true. I had to supplement the info in a nice way that she really did need help with everything. Some places may say they assist those with memory issues, but, if the issues require a lot of additional support, they may not be equipped. I'd determine just how much assistance they are able to provide, their training, experience, etc. Some residents do fine with reminders, but, others need pretty direct supervision.  My LO would forget where she was going on the way to the dining room.  She needed someone to escort her there. Regular AL, just didn't have the staff for this. 
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You could try an adult day care before you put her in memory care. I'm not sure it would be a good fit, but it's worth a try. That would give her something to do every day. I would do that for my mom except she can't see well, or hear well, plus has dementia. In addition, there is no place nearby for us. Most of the activities require that you can at least see what you are doing.
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Letting go and entrusting our loved ones to others is HARD for sure but I'm glad you are moving forward on this.
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Well we went to residential house for initial meeting. We all liked it. Don't know if mom would fit. Next step say we want it, deposit and then lunch for moms evaluation. Now I was up all night worrying move mom or not. She was asking about her sister, and cousins(all deceased). If I knew it was a year away. I'd leave her home. But I also have the financial end of this and have to project that out. This is so hard, or am I looking at it wrong? Heart or Head.
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As far as what I looked at for memory care were first the basics.. how well the residents are cared for, lower staff to caregiver ratio, the facility..is it clean, homey welcoming (beware of smells unless someone had a recent accident), the activities .. do residents do activities or are they left to watch tv or sleep all day, how the staff treat the residents, having a nurse and doctor available, the food (eat a meal or 2 there), (I'm sure I am forgetting some)

The other thing I looked at was the outside area and how freely the residents are allowed to use it because my parents love to sit outside weather permitting. Their facility has a large backyard and patio that you would see in a home setting and the doors are open for them to freely go outside as long as the weather is ok. They also have a house dog and families are allowed to bring pets in to visit if they wish.

Also the facility my parents are in encourage residents to be outside their rooms during the day. Few residents stay holed up in their rooms.. they are always in the main areas during the day.
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Have your mom evaluated by the facility staff for placement. You don’t want her to go to assisted living if she really needs memory care. Look for a place that’s progressive, moves within a building, not across town.
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Thank you all for your feedback. I am going to make a lunch date for mom and me at a facility I kind of like. What are some of the drawbacks to look for? I realize cost will go up and down the road we will have to move to NH because of Medicaid. I don't like the thought of her door being closed , because I fear she would never come out. Sometimes I feel like I worry to much. We would be good for close to three years private pay. Thank you
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